by M Andrews
“I will have your stripes, Sergeant, if the idiot who switch my son’s records isn’t court marshalled by the end of the month,” my father barks into the phone, as he paces back and forth in the kitchen. It feels oddly comforting watching my father lose his shit. I never thought I would actually miss that.
“Andrew, go to your office.” My mother pushes him out the door she just walked through with an arm full of photo albums. She set the albums down on the table and walked around to where I am sitting. Her hands cup my face and my eyes fall closed. God, how I missed the warmth and love of her touch. All the way home she sat next to me in the back seat, holding my hand and crying. When she first laid eyes on me in the airport she looked like she had seen a ghost. We stood in the middle of baggage claim for a good five minutes while she held my face in her hands and studied every angle of my face. The whole time she whispered, my son, my son is alive. I held my hands over hers keeping them in place, needing more of her touch.
“I’m sorry I keep touching you. I have to keep reminding myself that you are real and not a dream.” She lets out a solemn sigh. “There is a fear that if I close my eyes, you will disappear again.” The tears begin to well up in her eyes again.
“I’m really here,” I assure her and rub my cheek against her hand. The fear she is feeling, I feel it too. If I close my eyes will I wake up not knowing who I am again? Another hit to the head and I could lose it all again, and I may never get it back.
“I’m mad as hell that we lost you for ten years, but I am damn happy we have you back.” She leans in and kisses my forehead and the top of my head before hugging me. It feels good to remember that she used to do that at night when she would tuck me in. It always made me feel so safe. It’s making me feel safe now. She kisses the top of my head again before pulling away. “I’m going to make us some coffee, we have a lot of catching up to do.”
She walks over to the coffee pot, and I take the opportunity to ask the question that has been plaguing my mind since I woke up. “Mom, where are Lucy and Bailey?”
She adds a couple scoops of coffee in the machine and turns it on, then turns back to me. She takes in a deep breath, using the time to figure out what she is going to say. “After the funeral, Lucy packed up Bailey and moved back to Seattle to be closer to her family. Your father and I offered to let her and Bailey move in here with us, but it was too hard for her to be here without you. We understood she needed to be with her family. She lets Bailey come visit us during summer vacation, and we fly up to Seattle for Christmas and Easter.” It shouldn’t surprise me that Lucy would go home to Seattle. We were going to move there after I got home from my final tour of duty.
We had long talks about it. She was going to open her coffee and book shop. I was going to handle the business side while she made the coffee and desserts. Lucy was never the best at keeping banking records, or being organized, for that matter, but she could make one damn good cup of coffee. We were going to have a permanent home where we could raise Bailey and future babies. I was going to be home more than a few months at a time to make those babies.
“I want to go see her and Bailey.”
“Sweetheart, maybe you should wait a little while. Get your bearings before you rush off to see them.” She sets a cup of coffee in front of me then sits across from me at the table.
“Mom, I don’t care if she’s moved on and has a husband.” That is slightly a lie. After ten years, I can’t expect her to have not moved on, but it would still break my heart to see her with someone else.
My mom reaches over and lays her hand over mine. “Losing you almost broke Lucy. It was a very dark time for her, and if it wasn’t for Bailey, she never would have survived. It took her a very long time to pull herself out of that darkness. Seeing you again could destroy her.”
“I know what you are saying is true, but it still doesn’t take away my need to see her. Lucy is my wife, we have a child, and we started a life together. Even if she is remarried, I just need closure and to know that she is happy. I want to see my daughter and have a relationship with her.” I just need to see my girls, no matter how hard it is going to be.
“At least let me and your father ease her into the fact that you are home, then we can work on you going to see them. Until then, here, look through these.” She slides the stack of photo albums in my direction. “These are all the pictures we have of Bailey.”
I take one of the books off the top of the stack. Inside, the first picture I see is the one of me holding Bailey on the day she was born. The memory of that day plays in my mind. Lucy and I were at the grocery store picking up dinner and the gallons upon gallons of rocky road ice cream that Lucy had been craving, when her water broke in frozen foods. We barely made it to the hospital in time before Bailey made her grand entrance. Bailey wasted no time coming into this world, she was almost born in the parking lot outside the emergency room. That was one of the happiest days of my life.
My heart sinks when I get to the picture of Bailey after her second birthday, after I was in their world dead. She looks so much like Lucy. The same sweet vibrant smile and bright blue eyes, but she has my nose and my dark hair. She is a perfect mix of me and Lucy. The further I get into the albums, seeing her grow up right before my eyes, the more it pains my heart that I missed it. I missed birthday parties, her first day of school, getting to tuck her in at night, and hugging her. I’ve missed everything and it’s killing me.
I know my mother wants me to wait, but I can’t wait another day to be in my daughter’s life. I’ve missed ten years already, and I don’t want to miss another second of her growing up.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lucy
This can’t be happening. I’m not seeing him standing on my doorstep. This isn’t real, it’s a dream, and any minute now, I am going to wake up in bed with Hunter. My eyes squeeze shut, and I silently pray that when I open them again he will be gone. I will them open and let out a squeak of a sob when I see Colton is still standing just a foot away. This isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare, like the ones that plagued me after he died. Every night he would come to me in my dreams just like this. When I would go to hug him, he would fade away, and I would wake up heartbroken again.
“Lucy.” His deep voice sends a chill down my spine and my eyes slamming shut again. “Lucy, it’s me, Colton.” I shake my head at his words. No, it’s not him. This is all in my head. My eyes open again and he’s still there, looking back at me with those soulful blue eyes.
I stumble back, the broken glass cracks under my feet. “No, no, no, no.” The words ball up in the back of my throat. “You’re not real.” The tears stream down my face as I step further away from the door. “Wake up Lucy, please wake up.” No matter how hard I try to wake myself up its not working.
My legs hit the side of the chair in the living room. I lose my footing and collapse onto the chair with my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably. “Wake up, wake up,” I chant the words over and over. The air around me fills with a familiar warmth. Fingers wrap around my wrists and lower my hands away from my face. My eyes squeeze tighter.
“Lucy, open your eyes, please,” Colton softly pleads with me.
My eyes slowly flutter open and focus on his face. It’s Colton. My Colton. The laugh lines around his eyes are a little deeper, and there is a touch of gray in his hair. He’s older now, but he is still my Colton. Living, breathing, and sitting in my living room. “Colton.” His name feels foreign on my lips. I haven’t said his name out loud in so long.
“It’s me, Buttercup.” Hearing him call me Buttercup sends a knife straight through my heart. He called me that the first night we met. I was wearing a sun dress with yellow buttercups on it. I had barely taken my first drink of the night when he came over and asked me to dance. As we danced, he leaned into my ear and whispered, “My sweet buttercup.” It’s him, it’s really him.
He brings my hands up to his face. The stubble along his jaw tickles the palm of my hand. “How? Ho
w are you here?” My fingers rub along his warm skin. His eyes fall closed as he savors my touch.
“During all the chaos after my convoy was hit, my dog tags were mixed up with another soldier’s. When I woke up in the hospital, I couldn’t remember who I was. For the past ten years, I have been living as Sergeant Christian Ryan, in Charlotte, North Carolina.” He presses his cheek against my palm.
“Don’t they have protocols for situations like this? You know, to keep from ruining people’s lives.” I pull my hands away and climb out of the chair. The anger now taking over. “Didn’t they check names on uniforms or finger prints. How could something like this happen?” I pace back and forth in the span of the living room. My face growing hot with rage. For months I lost sleep, walked around like a zombie, and cried to the point of dehydration because my husband was dead. They told us he was gone and delivered his body home in a white box. We had a funeral and said our goodbyes. Years of living in a dark haze, not knowing if I was ever going to be able to dig myself out from that hell. All because of some asshole’s mistake.
“Believe me, I am just as enraged as you are. I lost ten years of life with you and Bailey. I missed out on everything.”
“My head is spinning.” I slump down on the couch. My mind can’t keep up with all the information. This still doesn’t seem real. Colton takes a seat on the coffee table in front of me. For years, I would have given anything to have him this close to me again, but now that he is here, I feel claustrophobic. I need some space to process all of this. “Colton, could you please give me a little space.”
There is disappointment in his eyes, but he gets up and moves around the table to one of the chairs on the other side. I know it’s killing him not to touch me again. In the past, there wasn’t a day that went by when he was home that he wasn’t touching me in some way. Whether it was hugs, kisses, or having me sit on his lap while we watched movies, he was always close. It was something I grew to crave, and it made me feel safe. When he deployed it would take weeks before I could fall asleep without him. I would cover his pillows with his shirts just to at least have his scent around me. After they told me Colton was gone, it took a good year before I could go a day without feeling lost without his touch. Eventually I forgot what his touch felt like. Having him in the same space again feels so foreign and strange.
I sit staring at him for what seems like hours, trying to remember the man I fell in love with. Is he still there in this man that is sitting across from me? What does this all mean for me and Hunter? Colton’s alive, and technically he is still my husband. The big question is, do I even still love Colton the way I did when we were together.
“Lucy, please say something.” Colton breaks the silence first.
“Colton, I am barely hanging on here. My head is spinning so fast I can’t grasp the words. My husband came back from the dead, were you expecting me to just welcome you home with open arms and act like nothing happened. What were you expecting Colton?”
“All I was expecting was a chance to be in Bailey’s life and in yours. I know we can’t go back to being what we were before, but I just want a chance to here for the two of you again.” He runs his hands over his face. He looks exhausted and drained. I can’t imagine what he has been going through. I know all he wants is for me to open my arms and tell him everything will be okay and that we will be okay, but I don’t even believe that is possible or will ever be possible.
“I can’t make any promises right now, Colton. I still need time to process all of this. There are people in my life now that I have to think about, and I have to find a way to tell Bailey her father is alive. I don’t know what to do right now.” Just an hour ago I was ready to have babies with Hunter. A single knock on the door has blown that dream up.
“Holy shit.” My head whips around to the sound of Brooke’s shocked voice. She is standing frozen in the doorway with Hank behind her.
“Wow, it is true,” Hank says, as he steps around Brooke. “I’ve been trying to call you all morning Lucy. When Joan couldn’t get a hold of you, she called me and told me Colton was on his way here. I thought she was bullshitting me. I can see now that she wasn’t.” Hank just stands there wide-eyed and mouth gaping open. I was so distracted by Hunter this morning, I haven’t checked my phone. I always check my phone on my mornings off, incase Connie has an emergency. The one time I needed to check my phone is the one morning I don’t.
I get up from the couch and walk over to Hank and Brooke. “He is actually here, and it’s abundantly clear this is not a dream. I’m freaking out, and I need to get out of here before I lose it. Hank, can you take Colton to your place, I need him to not be here while I have my freak out.” Hank nods yes and looks at me with a knowing eye.
Hank and Lucky were my saving grace when Colton died. They took turns making sure I got out of bed, showered, ate, and took care of my kid. They helped me and Bailey move back to Seattle, and Hank gave me the money to open my first coffee shop. I don’t know where I would be today without them. So, Hank knows that I need this moment to breakdown.
I turn my attention to Brooke and say, “Brooke, I need you to call Lucky and get her over here. And I need you to hold me up right now, because I’m losing it.” All the emotions that have been running through me since I saw Colton at my doorstep are bubbling up, ready to explode into a mess on the floor. Brooke envelops me in her arms. Her strength is what I need to keep myself together.
“Colton, I’m sorry but I need you to leave right now.” My voice cracks under the weight of my sadness.
I can see the tears welling up in his eyes as he gets up and walks over to the door. He stops in front of me. My body shakes in Brooke’s arms when he looks down at me. “I’m the one that is sorry, Lucy. I should have stayed away.” He hands me a slip of paper. “I’ll be in town for a few days if you want to talk. I’m so sorry,” he says again before turning to leave with Hank.
I hear Hank whisper to Brooke to call him and let him know how I am doing. As soon as the door closes, I collapse to the floor in a flood of tears.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Colton
“You really don’t have to take me to your house. You can just drop me off at a hotel,” I tell Hank as we drive along the busy streets of Seattle. This isn’t the way I wanted my first trip to Seattle to be. I was supposed to come here with my wife and daughter to start the next chapter of our lives. Today, I find myself alone with a wife who could barely look at me. My mother warned me that this could happen. I should have eased Lucy into me being back, but I was too selfish in wanting to see her and Bailey now. Seeing the pain in Lucy’s eyes nearly broke me.
“The last thing you need right now is to be alone. We have a guest room you are more than welcome to crash in. Besides, I already told Nora you are coming, and I’m sure she has a feast waiting for us.”
“Who is Nora?” I ask.
“She is my wife.”
I have to keep my mouth from dropping into my lap from shock. When Lucy first introduced me to her cousin Hank, the only thing that was important to him was drugs and sleeping with any willing pussy. The road he was heading down…I would have thought he would have overdosed by now. Lucy always had faith that he could change. She would say it only takes one person believing in you to make you believe in yourself. He looks sober and happy. He’s not the same man I met all those years ago. This Nora must be a miracle worker.
“You’re married. Wow, I have missed a lot,” I say dumbfounded.
“A lot has changed since the last time we saw each other. About seven years ago, my daughter Colby was born. She was the product of a one-night stand. Her mother didn’t want her, so she left her at the hospital, telling them she was my responsibility. I was ready to give her up for adoption, because I was in no shape to raise a kid. But when the nurse put her in my arms, I was done for. There was no way I was going to give her up. I got clean and got my shit together. Four years ago, I hired Nora to be Colby’s nanny, but we ended up falling
in love, and now she is Colby’s mother.” His face lights up talking about his wife and his daughter.
“That is amazing Hank. I know Lucy always saw this life for you. I’m glad to see it came true.” Lucy was right, people can change.
“She helped me a lot when Colby was a baby. Lucy has a big heart, and I know she will come around.”
“I guess we will see.” In some way I was delusional in hoping that Lucy would just welcome me home with open arms. It was foolish and stupid of me to just expect life to start where it left off ten years ago. I made things worse by just showing up on her doorstep.
We pull up outside Hank’s house. The small bungalow is not what I expected someone from money to choose to live in. Lucy once told me that Hank’s mother was the heiress to a timber fortune. Maybe getting his life together also meant getting away from that life style. I follow Hank up the walkway. Inside we are greeted with the scent of fresh baked cookies. The house itself is warm and cozy. The walls are lined with family photos and children’s artwork. In the living room, there are toys scattered on the floor, cartoons playing on the television, and a fire burning in the fireplace. Reminds me of the house Lucy and I lived in on base.
“Nora, we’re here,” Hank calls out. Out of the kitchen walks a tall brunette with soft brown eyes and a welcoming smile with a child on her hip. This must be Nora. Her face beams when she sees Hank. I remember when Lucy’s face would light up like that for me. Hank gives her a kiss hello then turns back to me. “Colton, this is my wife, Nora, and our daughter Fiona. Nora, this is the famous Colton.”
Nora hands Fiona over to Hank then walks over to me and envelops me in a big hug. “You looked like you could use a hug,” she says, hugging me a little tighter. It might not be the exact hug I wanted, but I’ll take it. She pulls away, keeping her hands on my shoulders. “I’ve never hugged a dead man before. It was warmer than I thought.” She giggles. Her joke makes me laugh for the first time since I woke up. Even Hank chuckles and shakes his head at that one.