Five Plays: Ivanov

by Anton Chekhov

  They walk away into the garden.

  Shabelsky enters, laughing heartily.

  ShabelskyI swear to God, he’s a genius, a virtuoso! They should put up a statue. He’s a walking compendium of contemporary venality – lawyer, doctor, huckster, confidence trickster – (Sits down on the step of the terrace.) And, you know, he never finished school, that’s the extraordinary thing. If only he’d acquired a bit of culture and picked up some science he’d be a master criminal! ‘You, ‘ he says, ‘you could have twenty thousand in a week – you’re holding the ace of trumps, your title: Count!’ (Laughs heartily.) ’Any girl with a dowry would marry you . . . Do you want me to set up Marfa for you?’ he says. ‘What Marfa?’ Oh, of course, it’s that widow whatsername, Babakina, the one who looks like a washerwoman.

  Anna opens the window and looks out.

  AnnaIs that you, Count?

  ShabelskyWhat is it?

  Anna laughs.

  (With a Jewish accent.) Oy, vy are you laughink?

  AnnaI was just remembering what you came out with at dinner. The thief, the lame horse, how did it go?

  ShabelskyA Jew baptised, a thief gone straight and a lame horse mended are all worth much of a muchness.

  Anna(laughs) Even your little jokes are spiteful. You’re full of spite. (Unsmiling.) No, seriously. Living with you is a bore, it gets one down. You’re always sniping, everyone’s a crook or up to no good. Tell the truth, have you ever had a good word to say for anybody?

  ShabelskyWhat is this, a cross-examination?

  AnnaIn five years under the same roof I haven’t once heard you speak of anyone without sneering. What have they ever done to you? Do you think you’re better than they are?

  ShabelskyNot at all. I’m as big a swine as any swine in a skullcap. I never have a good word for myself either. What am I? I used to be rich, I could do as I liked, I was quite happy . . . and now . . . I’m a leech, a buffoon. If I get angry people just laugh at me. If I laugh, they shake their heads and say the old boy’s past it. That’s when they don’t ignore me.

  AnnaThere it goes again.

  ShabelskyWhat?

  AnnaThat owl . . . screeching, it does it every evening.

  ShabelskyWell, let it. It can’t make things any worse. (Stretches himself.) Oh, Anna, if only my lottery number had come up – a hundred thousand, or two hundred . . . I’d have shown you . . . I’d have been out of here, no more of your charity, the Day of Judgement would have come before you caught me back in this hole.

  AnnaOh yes? – and what would you have done with the money?

  Shabelsky(having thought for a moment) First I’d have gone to Moscow to listen to some gypsy music. Then . . . then straight to Paris, taken an apartment, gone to the services at the Russian church . . .

  AnnaAnd then what?

  ShabelskyThen sat by my wife’s grave with just my thoughts, day after day . . . sat there till I snuffed it. My wife’s buried in Paris.

  Pause.

  AnnaWell, that’s cheered us up. Do you want to try another duet?

  ShabelskyYes, all right. Go and get some music out.

  Anna goes indoors. Ivanov appears in the garden with Lvov.

  Ivanov. . . Yes, but you only qualified a year ago, you’re still young – I’m the wrong side of forty, so I’m entitled to give you some advice. Don’t go marrying a Jewess or a neurotic or a woman with a mind. Find yourself a plain, ordinary girl who doesn’t make any unnecessary noise. Settle into a routine, the duller the better. Don’t try to fight the whole world, don’t butt your head against the walls. And stay clear of scientific farming, progressive education, and public speaking. Find a quiet corner and just get on with the task God gave you – it’s more comfortable, more honest and better for your health. Look at my life – I’m worn down by it, worn away by bad decisions, injustice, incompetence – (Catching sight of the Count, he explodes.) Oh, you again! – Why are you always hanging about and getting in the way? It’s impossible to have a private conversation!

  Shabelsky(plaintively) Or to find any peace around here, God dammit!

  He jumps up and goes into the house.

  Ivanov(shouts after him) I’m sorry! – sorry! (To Lvov.) Why did I have to do that? I’m falling apart. I must do something about myself, I really must.

  Lvov(agitated) Nikolay Alekseevich, I’ve heard you out and now, forgive me, I’m going to tell you plainly: your voice, your very tone, never mind the words, it’s all so unfeeling. Someone close to you is dying, in fact she’s dying because she’s close to you, and you don’t show her any consideration, all you do is walk around ordering everybody about, throwing fits . . . I don’t know how to put it, but, well, I just find you appalling.

  IvanovYes . . . you could be right. You’re in a better position to judge. Quite likely you see me for what I am. (Listens.) It sounds as if the horses have been brought round. I have to go and get changed . . .

  He goes towards the house and stops.

  You don’t like me, Doctor, and you don’t bother to hide it. I respect you for that.

  He goes indoors.

  Lvov(aside) Oh, damn my cowardice! I had another chance to tell that charlatan to his face he’s a selfish, despicable hypocrite, and I didn’t take it! I can’t keep my wits when I talk to him – I hardly get a word out before something in here – (Indicates his chest.) – stops my breath. I’m churning inside, my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth . . . There he goes – off out again when his wretched wife’s only comfort is to have him by her – he says he can’t stay – he’s suffocating here, you see, can’t stay in even for one night – he’d put a bullet through his head just to relieve the monotony. Poor devil, he needs his freedom, doesn’t he? – freedom to find another way to torture her. Oh, I know why he goes to Lebedev’s every evening – don’t think I don’t!

  Ivanov, in hat and coat, comes out of the house with Shabelsky and Anna.

  ShabelskyReally, Nicolas, it’s inhuman of you. We go to bed at eight o’clock out of sheer boredom. It’s monstrous – it’s no life! Why should you be allowed to go out and not us?

  AnnaOh, leave him be, let him go.

  Ivanov(to Anna) How could you go anyway? – You’re a sick woman, you’re not allowed outdoors after the sun’s gone down. Ask the doctor. You’re not a child, Anyuta, act your age. (To Shabelsky.) And why do you want to go to the Lebedevs?

  ShabelskyI’d go to hell on a crocodile – anything rather than stay here. (Shouts.) I’m bored! I’m stupid with boredom! You leave me at home so your bored wife isn’t bored on her own, and I’m boring her to death.

  AnnaLeave him alone – let him go if he wants to go and enjoy himself.

  IvanovDon’t say that – you know I’m not going there to enjoy myself. I have to talk to them about the money I owe.

  AnnaI don’t know why you’re bothering to make excuses. Off you go! No one’s stopping you.

  IvanovCan we not squabble like this? There’s no need.

  Shabelsky(in a tearful voice) Nicolas, my dear boy, I beg you, take me with you! I just want to give those frauds and fools a look-over, it might even be amusing. I haven’t been out since Easter!

  Ivanov(irritated) Oh, come on then! I’m so tired of this.

  ShabelskyCan I really? Oh, merci, merci beaucoup. Can I wear your panama?

  IvanovAs long as you’re quick.

  Shabelsky runs into the house.

  I’m sick of the lot of you! Oh God, what an awful thing to say! It’s not how I used to talk to you. I’m sorry, Anna. I won’t be back late.

  AnnaKolya . . . please, darling – don’t go out!

  Ivanov(agitated) My sweet love, my poor unhappy darling, I implore you, don’t stop me going out in the evenings. I know it’s unfair, but let me anyway! – I can’t bear being here. The moment the sun goes down, I’m in misery. Don’t ask me why. I’ve no idea. Honest to God, I don’t know why. It’s misery at home, misery at the Lebedevs, misery when I get back – and so on all night long –
I don’t know what to do.

  AnnaThen you might as well stay at home, Kolya. We’ll talk . . . like we used to – have supper together, read . . . That old moaner and I have learned lots of new duets for you . . . (Puts her arms around him.) Do stay!

  Pause.

  I don’t understand you. You’ve been like this for a whole year now. Why did you change?

  IvanovI don’t know . . . I don’t know . . .

  AnnaWhy don’t you want me to come with you any more?

  IvanovI’ll tell you why if you really want to know. It’s terrible but better said. When I get into one of my states, I begin to stop loving you. I’m in such misery I have to get away even from you. I have to get away from this house.

  AnnaI know something about misery, Nikolay. Let me tell you, Kolya – what you have to do is be the way you used to be – sing, laugh, let off steam. Don’t go. We’ll have a laugh, have a drink, we’ll chase away your misery in a minute. Do you want me to sing for you? Or we could go and sit in your den in the dark as we used to and you can tell me all about your misery! There’s such suffering in your eyes! – I’ll look into your eyes and cry and we’ll both feel better. (Laughing and crying.) How does it go? ‘Flowers return with the spring, but happiness lingers behind.’ Is that it? Oh – all right, go then, just go!

  IvanovSay a prayer for me, Anya!

  He moves off, hesitates.

  No, I can’t!

  AnnaThen go . . .!

  Ivanov leaves. Lvov approaches her.

  LvovAnna Petrovna – you must make it a rule: when the clock strikes six you must come indoors and not go out till morning. The evening air is damp, it’s bad for your chest.

  AnnaVery good, sir.

  LvovI’m serious.

  AnnaI don’t want to be serious. (Coughs.)

  LvovYou see?

  Shabelsky comes out of the house in hat and coat.

  ShabelskyWhere’s Nikolay? Are the horses brought round?

  He walks quickly over to Anna and kisses her hand.

  Good night, light of my life! (Pulls a funny face.) Gevalt! Exscushe pliz.

  Shabelsky hurries out.

  LvovIdiot!

  Pause. Distant sounds of an accordion can be heard.

  AnnaHow unfair! Even the coachmen and cooks are having a party over there. I’m not invited to the ball . . . Yevgeny, what are you marching up and down for? Come and sit down.

  LvovI can’t sit down.

  Pause.

  AnnaThey’re playing ‘The Little Finch’. (Sings.) ’Little finch, little finch, where did you go? Tippling vodka out in the snow.’

  Pause.

  Do you have a mother and father somewhere?

  LvovMy father’s dead, but I have a mother.

  AnnaDo you miss her?

  LvovI have no time to miss people.

  Anna(laughs) ’Flowers return with every spring, but happiness lingers behind.’ Who taught me that? . . . Can’t remember . . . It must have been Nikolay. (Listens.) There goes that owl again.

  LvovLet it.

  AnnaI feel I’ve been swindled by life. Most people no better than I am are happy and haven’t had to pay for it. But I’ve paid for absolutely everything . . . paid all I have . . . and I’m still getting final demands. Oy vay. Do you know any funny stories?

  LvovMe? No.

  AnnaNikolay knows lots. You know, another thing – I’m beginning to be amazed by how unfair people are. Why don’t they repay love with love? – instead of lies? How long do you think my mother and father are going to go on hating me? They live only a day from here. but I can feel their hatred even in my sleep. And what am I to think of poor Nikolay? He says it’s only in the evenings, when he’s at his lowest, that he stops loving me. I try to understand, I bear it patiently but suppose he stopped loving me altogether? Of course I know he won’t, but suppose suddenly he did? No – no I mustn’t . . . (Sings.) ‘Little finch, little finch, where did you go?’ (Shudders.) I have such terrible thoughts sometimes . . .

  LvovExplain something to me – explain how a decent, honest, almost saintly woman like you let herself be taken in for so long, and dragged into this miserable mare’s nest. Why are you here? What have you got in common with that heartless – no, leaving aside your husband, what is a woman like you doing in this dead end among these no-hopers? – Oh, my dear God! – that endlessly droning, decrepit, crazy old count, and that crook Borkin with his ugly face – just explain it to me. Why are you here? How did you get here?

  Anna(laughs) That’s just how Nikolay used to sound . . . exactly like that . . . and when he got worked up his eyes would blaze like coals! Go on talking, don’t stop!

  Lvov(stands up and makes a dismissive gesture with his hand) What’s there to say? Please go indoors . . .

  AnnaYou say Nikolay is this, that, and the other, but how would you know? Can you know all about someone in six months? What you have to understand is that Nikolay is a great man! I’m only sorry you never knew him two or three years ago. Back then, oh, he was so attractive! I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. I took one look and – snap! – I was caught. He said, ‘Let’s run off . . . let’s go!’ I stripped my life away just like you’d strip the dead leaves off a stem, and I went.

  Pause.

  How different everything has turned out. He disappears off to the Lebedevs to amuse himself with other women, and I . . . sit in the garden listening to the screeching of the owl . . .

  The watchman is heard knocking.

  Doctor, have you got any brothers?

  LvovNo.

  Anna starts to sob.

  What is it? What’s the matter?

  Anna(stands up) I can’t stand this. I’m going over there.

  LvovWhere?

  AnnaOrder the horses to be harnessed.

  She goes towards the house.

  LvovYou can’t go . . .

  AnnaLeave me alone – it’s none of your business. I can’t . . . I’m going to the Lebedevs. Get the horses brought round . . .

  She runs into the house.

  Lvov(following her indoors) No, I absolutely refuse to treat anybody under these conditions. Not getting a kopek is one thing but being turned into an emotional wreck . . .! – No, I refuse: I’ve had enough.

  End of Act One.

  Act Two

  The reception room in the Lebedevs: an exit into the garden, doors right and left, antique, valuable furniture. Chandeliers, candelabra and pictures – under dust covers.

  Zinaida sits on the sofa. Elderly lady guests sit on either side of her in armchairs; young people sit on chairs. At the back of the stage, by the exit to the garden, Kosykh, Avdotya Nazarovna, Yegorushka and others are playing cards. Gavrila stands by one door.

  There is a long moment of suspension, a tedium, a stasis disturbed only by stifled yawns, small shifts, a card played, a guest wandering in from the garden and wandering out again. A Maid entering to take round a parsimonious dish of nibbles (radishes, celery sticks) is a major event. A crunch of celery draws attention to itself. The hostess, Zinaida Lebedev, smiles and nods here and there. Someone starts humming a tune and stops. The situation – a party that isn’t working – is relieved by the entrance of Babakina.

  ZinaidaDarling Marfa!

  BabakinaA very good evening to you, Zinaida – many happy returns to your daughter – (They kiss.) – and God grant her . . .

  ZinaidaThank you, darling, I’m so lucky. And how are things with you?

  BabakinaThank you, I’m very well.

  She sits down beside her on the sofa.

  Hello, all you young folk!

  The guests stand up and bow.

  First Guest(laughs) ’Young folk?’ – you’re not so old.

  Babakina(sighing) I feel I don’t belong with the youngsters any more.

  First Guest(laughing respectfully) What are you talking about? You may be a widow but you can hold your own with any young woman here.

  Gavrila brings Babakina some tea.

&
nbsp; Zinaida(to Gavrila) What a way to serve tea – Bring some preserves – gooseberry or something –

  BabakinaDon’t worry about that, thank you so much . . .

  Pause.

  First GuestDid you come by way of Mushkino, Marfa?

  BabakinaNo – the Zaimishche road is better.

  First GuestYes, indeed.

  KosykhTwo spades.

  YegorushkaPass.

  AvdotyaPass.

  Second GuestPass.

  BabakinaLottery tickets are going like never before. The first draw is up to two hundred and seventy thousand, it’s never been known.

  Zinaida(sighs) All very nice for those with plenty of tickets.

  BabakinaDon’t you believe it, my dear. The prizes may be going sky high but lottery tickets tie up your capital. The insurance alone is a killer.

  ZinaidaThat’s as may be, but all the same, darling, one has to keep hoping . . . (Sighs.) Please God . . .

  Third GuestIn my opinion, ladies, there’s no point in holding capital in the present climate. Interest on securities is too low, and speculation too risky. If you ask me, anybody with capital today is in a more exposed position than someone who . . .

  Babakina(sighs) I dare say you’re right!

  The First Guest yawns.

  Is it quite polite to yawn with ladies present?

  First GuestPardon, Mesdames . . . Quite unintended.

  Zinaida gets up and goes out. There is a prolonged silence.

  YegorushkaTwo diamonds.

  AvdotyaPass.

  Second GuestPass.

  KosykhPass.

  Babakina(aside) Lord, if one died of boredom, one wouldn’t notice.

  Zinaida returns with Lebedev.

  Zinaida(privately) . . . Sitting out there on your own! Don’t be such a prima donna. Sit with your guests!

  She sits down in her former seat.

  Lebedev(yawns) It’s God’s punishment for something. (Catching sight of Babakina.) Oh, but my goodness, there sits my little sugar plum, my Turkish delight! How are you, precious?