Five Plays: Ivanov

by Anton Chekhov

  Lebedev(to Ivanov) Throw the Judas out on his ear.

  Zinaida(alarmed) He’s right! I never even thought of it.

  Borkin does ‘physical jerks’.

  BorkinMust exercise, can’t get by without it. Mamasha, haven’t you got a new game we can play? I’m on top form, Marfa, I feel inspired.

  ZinaidaYes, organise something – we need you.

  BorkinWhy’ve you all got your tails between your legs? You look like a jury, sitting there. Let’s have a think. What do you fancy? Forfeits? Skip-rope, dancing, fireworks?

  Ladies(clapping their hands) Fireworks! Oh, yes – fireworks!

  They start hurrying out into the garden.

  Sasha(to Ivanov) Why do you look so unhappy?

  IvanovMy head aches, Sasha, and, besides, it’s all so boring.

  SashaCome into the drawing room.

  They go next door, while everyone follows Borkin into the garden except Zinaida and Lebedev.

  ZinaidaThat’s my kind of man – a young fellow who’s hardly here a minute and he’s cheered everyone up. (Turns down the large lamp.) No point in burning oil for nothing while they’re in the garden.

  LebedevZyuzyushka, we must give our guests a bite to eat.

  ZinaidaLook at all those candles . . . No wonder people think we’re rich.

  She puts them out.

  LebedevZyuzyushka, for goodness sake, we must give these people some food . . . young people get hungry . . . Zyuzyushka . . .

  Zinaida(leaving) The Count didn’t finish his tea. What a waste of sugar!

  Lebedev(following her) Yes, dear, but . . .

  Sasha comes in with Ivanov.

  SashaThey’re all in the garden.

  IvanovSo that’s how things are, Sasha. When I used to be working and thinking all the time, I never got tired. Now I don’t do anything and don’t think about anything, and I’m weary in body and soul. I’ve got a bad conscience awake and asleep, I feel everything’s my fault, but as to what’s my fault and why it’s my fault, I’ve no idea. And then there’s my wife’s illness, and money problems, the constant bickering and the rows and pointless conversation . . . and that fool Borkin . . . I’ve come to loathe being at home, it’s torture. I tell you frankly, Shurochka, even being in the same room as my wife, who loves me, it’s become unbearable. You won’t be angry with me for telling you. I came to see you to cheer myself up but I’m already longing to go home – Forgive me, I’m going to slip away.

  SashaNikolay – I do understand – it’s loneliness that’s making you so unhappy. You should be with someone who loves you and understands you. Only love can save you.

  IvanovWhat are you talking about, Sasha?! A love affair is all I need, a bedraggled old crosspatch like me. God save me from that! No, my little bright spark, a love affair is not the answer. I can bear anything – despair, ruin, losing my wife, feeling lonely and old before my time – anything but my self-disgust – that’s the thing I can’t live with. I could die of shame that a strong healthy fellow like me has turned into a sort of hangdog parody of a literary cliché – the superfluous guest!

  Sasha(lightly, on the brink of tears) Nikolay, let’s run away to America.

  IvanovI haven’t got the strength to run as far as that door, and you talk of America. (They go towards the garden.) It’s not easy for you being stuck here. When I look at who’s around, I worry about you – who is there to marry here? Your only hope is for some passing lieutenant or student to steal you and take you away . . .

  Zinaida enters with a jar of jam.

  You go ahead, Shurochka, I’ll catch you up . . .

  Sasha goes out into the garden.

  Can I ask you something, Zinaida?

  ZinaidaWhat is it?

  Ivanov(hesitates) Well, the thing is, the interest on the loan is due the day after tomorrow. I’d be awfully grateful if you could defer it, or let me add it to the lump sum. I have absolutely no money at present.

  Zinaida(alarmed) How can I do that, Nikolay? What sort of business arrangement is that? No, don’t even think of it, for God’s sake, don’t upset me like this . . .

  IvanovI’m sorry, I’m sorry . . .

  Ivanov goes out.

  Zinaida(aside) Dear God, he gave me a fright! I’m shaking like a leaf.

  She goes out.

  Kosykh enters, crossing the stage.

  Kosykh(aside) I had the ace, king, queen and seven showing in diamonds, the ace of spades . . . and one low heart, but she, God rot her, couldn’t declare a small slam . . .

  He goes out. Avdotya and First Guest enter.

  AvdotyaI’d like to rip her to pieces, the old skinflint . . . It’s beyond a joke, I’ve been sitting here since five o’clock and she hasn’t so much as offered me a stale herring. What a place! What a way to keep house!

  First GuestI’m so desperate I’m about ready to start howling like a wolf and biting lumps out of people.

  Avdotya. . . rip her to pieces, the old sinner.

  First GuestI’m going to have a drink and then – off home! And don’t bother to line up those brides you promised me – I can’t think about love when I haven’t had a drink since my dinner.

  AvdotyaLet’s go and sniff some out, then.

  First GuestShsh! . . . I think there’s some schnapps in the sideboard in the dining room. Let’s get hold of Yegorushka . . . Shhh!

  They go out. Anna and Lvov come in.

  AnnaDon’t worry, they’ll be delighted to see us. There’s no one here. They must be in the garden.

  LvovI’d like to know why you’ve brought me to this vultures’ nest. Honest people like you and me can’t breathe in this atmosphere.

  AnnaOh you, Mr Honesty! If you’re going to keep a lady company, it’s really not nice to talk about your honesty the whole time – honest though it may be. Never tell a woman your virtues. Let her find them out. When my husband took me out, he’d sing and tell stories, and all the women would know what kind of man he was.

  LvovI don’t want to hear about your husband. I know only too well what kind of man he is.

  AnnaYou’re a decent man at heart, Doctor, but you don’t understand anything. Let’s go out in the garden. Nikolay never talked the way you do – he left the zoology out of it. When he lost his temper with someone, he’d say to me, ‘Oh, Anya, that was unfair of me, ‘ or ‘Now I feel sorry for him . . .’ But not you . . .

  They go out.

  Avdotya and the First Guest enter.

  First GuestIf it’s not in the dining room the only other place is the pantry. Yegorushka will know . . .

  AvdotyaI could rip her to pieces, really I could . . .

  They go out.

  Babakina and Borkin run in from, the garden laughing. Shabelsky minces in after them, also laughing and rubbing his hands.

  BabakinaWhat a bore! (Laughs.) Everyone standing around as if they’d swallowed a poker. My bones are stiff with boredom. (Jumps about.) I have to stretch them . . .

  Borkin grabs her around the waist and kisses her on the cheek.

  Shabelsky(laughs loudly and snaps his fingers) Devil take it!

  BabakinaLet go of me! You’re shameless! God knows what the Count will think. Let go!

  BorkinMy heart’s angel, my treasure! . . . Lend me two thousand three hundred roubles.

  BabakinaCertainly not. Say what you like, but when it’s money – thanks all the same – so let go of my arms.

  Shabelsky(minces round and about) My little pompom – She’s quite good looking in her own way . . .

  Borkin(seriously) Right, enough of that, let’s get down to business. I want a straight answer. No messing about. Yes or no. (Indicates the Count.) He needs money, three thousand a year, minimum. You need a husband. Want to be a Countess?

  Shabelsky(laughs loudly) He really takes your breath away!

  BorkinWant to be a Countess? Yes or no?

  Babakina(agitated) The things you come up with, Misha, really . . . You can’t deal with these sorts of things on the spur
of the moment . . . The Count can ask me himself if he wants to . . . and I don’t know – It’s all a bit sudden –

  BorkinDon’t confuse the issue. This is a business proposal. Yes or no?

  Shabelsky(laughing and rubbing his hands) Well, how about it? Damn me, do I have to deal with this sordid little business for myself? Eh? Come here, my little pompom . . . (Kisses Babakina on her cheek.) My charmer, my little cucumber!

  BabakinaStop it, stop – you’ve got me all upset . . . Get away from me! – No, don’t go away . . .

  BorkinHurry up! Yes or no? We haven’t got all night.

  BabakinaI’ll tell you what, Count. Come and stay in a day or two . . . It’s fun at my house, not like here . . . Come tomorrow . . . (To Borkin.) Is this a joke?

  Borkin(angrily) Would I joke about anything as serious as this?

  BabakinaOh, stop, stop – oh, I’m feeling awful . . . A Countess . . . I don’t feel well . . . I’m going to faint . . .

  With a laugh, Borkin and the Count take her under the arms and, kissing her on the cheeks, lead her out.

  Ivanov and Sasha run in from the garden.

  Ivanov(clutching at his head in despair) No, it’s impossible! Don’t, Sasha, don’t – you must stop this!

  Sasha(letting it all pour out) I’m madly in love with you. Without you my life has no meaning – no joy or happiness! You’re everything to me . . .

  IvanovBut what’s the use? Why are you telling me? Oh God, I don’t understand what’s going on. Sasha, you mustn’t . . .

  SashaFrom when I was just a little girl, you were the light of my life. I loved you body and soul, more than my life. But now . . . I love you, Nikolay Alekseevich. I’d go with you anywhere you like – the other side of the world – or to the grave. Only, for God’s sake, quick or I’ll stop breathing . . .!

  Ivanov(bursts into happy laughter) What’s happening? Can it mean I can start again? A new life? Is that it, Shurochka? . . . Oh, my blessed one! (Pulls her towards him.) Your’re my lost youth, my innocence . . .

  Anna enters from the garden and, catching sight of her husband and Sasha, stops as though rooted to the spot.

  IvanovDoes it really mean I can start to live again? – does it? To live and work as I used to?

  They kiss. Then Ivanov and Sasha see Anna.

  (Horrified.) Anna!

  Anna faints

  End of Act Two.

  Act Three

  Ivanov’s study. A desk on which papers, books, official packages and knick-knacks and revolvers lie in disorder; among the papers is a lamp, a carafe of vodka, a plate with salted herrings, pieces of bread and pickled cucumbers. On the walls, maps, pictures, guns, pistols, sickles, whips and so on. Midday.

  Shabelsky and Lebedev sit on either side of the desk. Borkin is in the middle of the stage, astride a chair. They sprawl, somewhat in their cups, like lords of the earth, ruling on the great issues of the world. Pyotr stands by the door.

  LebedevNow France . . . France has a clear-cut and definite policy . . . Your Frenchy knows what he wants. He wants to kick the tripes out of your German sausage-maker, simple as that. But Germany’s whistling a different tune, my friend. Germany has plenty of other geese to cook besides France.

  ShabelskyYou’re talking rubbish. If you ask me, the Germans are cowards, and so are the French. They’re pulling faces behind each other’s backs, but take my word for it, that’s as far as it will go. They won’t fight.

  BorkinBut what I’m saying is, there’s no need to fight. All these rearmament congresses and vast expenditure . . . it’s completely unnecessary. You know what I’d do? Round up every dog in the country, give ‘em a good dose of rabies and let them loose across the border. The enemy will be frothing at the mouth in a month.

  Lebedev(laughs) There’s a billion brilliant ideas swimming about in that little head, one for every fish in the ocean.

  ShabelskyHe’s a genius.

  LebedevGod bless you, Michel Michelich! You’re a hoot. (Soberly.) However, gentlemen, here we are jawing away and hardly a mention of vodka. Repetatur!

  He fills three glasses.

  Here’s to us.

  They drink and eat.

  Salted herring, Lord love it – greatest snack there is.

  ShabelskyNo – cucumber. The best minds have been thinking about this since the world began and they haven’t come up with anything to beat a pickled cucumber. (To Pyotr.) We need more cucumbers, Pyotr, and tell the kitchen to do four onion pasties. Make sure they’re hot.

  Pyotr goes out.

  LebedevAnother snack vodka’s good with is caviar. I’ll tell you what, though, it requires intelligence. You take four ounces of caviar, two spring onions, some olive oil, mix it well and serve with a squeeze of lemon. The aroma by itself is enough to make you swoon.

  BorkinTo follow a shot of vodka, fried gudgeon makes a nice little snack, I find. Only, you have to know how to fry it. You clean it, dip it in breadcrumbs, and fry till crisp – it’s got to be crunchy to the bite, crunch, crunch.

  ShabelskyThat was a good snack at Babakina’s yesterday – white mushrooms.

  LebedevOh, yes, indeed –

  ShabelskyBut to a special recipe, you know, with onion, bay leaf, different kinds of herbs . . . The steam when they took the lid off the pan had a fragrance that was pure joy.

  LebedevWho’s for another? Repetatur, gentlemen!

  They drink.

  Good health. (Looks at his pocket watch.) I’m going to miss Nicolas by the look of it. I must be going. So – white mushrooms at Babakina’s, is it? Is that why you’ve taken to calling on Marfutka all the time?

  Shabelsky(nods at Borkin) It’s him – he wants to marry me off to her.

  LebedevReally? . . . How old are you?

  ShabelskySixty-two.

  LebedevJust the right age for marriage. And Marfa’s just the woman for you.

  BorkinThis is not about Marfutka, it’s about Marfutka’s cash in the bank.

  LebedevIs that all you’re after? You might as well ask a goose for its liver.

  BorkinJust wait till he’s married, it’ll be goose liver galore and you’ll be licking your lips in envy.

  ShabelskyMy God, he’s serious. This genius here really thinks I’m going to do what he says and get married.

  BorkinWhat do you mean? You’re already sold on it, aren’t you?

  ShabelskyYou must be off your head . . . When was I ever sold on it?

  BorkinWell, thanks very much! You mean you’re going to back out? First he’ll marry her, then he won’t marry her . . . Let the devil work it out. And I’ve given her my solemn word. So you won’t marry her, is that it?

  Shabelsky(shrugs his shoulders) He’s serious. Extraordinary chap.

  Borkin(indignant) If that’s the case, what was the point of getting an honest woman all excited for nothing? She’s mad keen to be a Countess, she can’t sleep or eat. Is that your idea of honourable behaviour?

  Shabelsky(snaps his fingers) All right then, supposing I take the plunge into this dung-hill . . . eh? Just for the hell of it. Yes, all right. I’ll do it. Word of honour. What a lark.

  Lvov enters.

  LebedevAh, Aesculapius, we’re honoured . . . (Shakes hands with Lvov and sings.) ’Oh save me, Doctor, dear Doctor, I’m dying and scared to death . . .’

  LvovIsn’t Ivanov here?

  LebedevNot yet – I’ve been over an hour waiting for him, too.

  Lvov paces up and down the stage impatiently.

  LebedevHow is Anna Petrovna?

  LvovShe’s bad.

  Lebedev(sighs) Would it be all right to look in on her, just to show we –

  LvovNo, please don’t. I think she’s asleep now.

  Pause.

  LebedevShe’s a nice woman, I like her . . . (Sighs.) When she fell down in a faint that day on Sasha’s birthday, I took one look at her face and I knew she hadn’t got long. I never understood what made her faint just then. I run in, I take one look, there she is, pale as death, l
ying on the floor, Nikolay on his knees beside her, also gone white, and Shurochka in tears. It shook us up for a week.

  Shabelsky(to Lvov) Here’s one for you, as one of the medical priesthood. Who’s the genius who worked out that women with bad chests might benefit from frequent visits from a young doctor? It’s a great discovery. A breakthrough. Does it come under homeopathy or allopathy, would you say?

  Lvov makes to answer, but gestures contemptuously and goes out.

  What’s known as a withering look.

  LebedevStill, that was uncalled for. Why insult him?

  Shabelsky(irritably) Because he’s a liar. ‘Tuberculosis – no hope – death’s door’ . . . It’s just lies and I won’t have it.

  LebedevWhat makes you think he’s lying?

  Shabelsky(stands up and walks around) I refuse to accept that somebody all of a sudden and for no particular reason can just die. Can we drop the subject?

  Kosykh runs in, catching his breath.

  KosykhIs Nikolay Alekseevich here? Good morning, good day, everyone.

  He quickly shakes hands with everyone.

  Is he at home?

  BorkinNo, he isn’t.

  Kosykh(sits down and then jumps up) In that case, I’m off! (Drinks a shot of vodka and takes a snack.) Must get on. Things to do . . . I’m so tired I can barely stand.

  LebedevWhere’ve you come from?

  KosykhBarabanov’s. Been playing cards all night, just finished. Lost my shirt. That Barabanov plays like a blacksmith. (In a tearful voice.) Just listen to this. I was holding hearts from the off.

  He turns to Borkin, who jumps back from him.

  He leads diamonds – I follow with hearts – and he plays another diamond! I didn’t get a trick. (To Lebedev.) We play four clubs. I had ace, queen, five, and in spades, ace, ten, two . . .

  Lebedev(stops his ears) Spare me, for the love of Christ!

  Kosykh(to the Count) You understand. Ace, queen and five of clubs – ace, ten and two of spades –

  Shabelsky(pushes him away) Go away. I’m not listening.

  KosykhAnd then disaster – my ace of spades trumped in the first round –

  Shabelsky(grabs a revolver from the table) Go away or I’ll shoot!

  KosykhBloody hell, can’t one even have a conversation? It’s like living in Australia. No community spirit, every man for himself. Anyway, I’ve got to go – (Grabs his cap.) time is precious –