My mouth actually watered with every step she took, and I snapped my lips closed to avoid drooling. I barely contained my groan, unsure of what was sexier—Rachel’s perfect body that I knew fit mine like a damn puzzle piece, or her I-don’t-give-a-fuck confidence as her hips swayed down the hall.
I should have known that a bathroom door was no match for her tenacity.
Point made.
My heart sank when I looked closer at her lower back. There was a vague, silvery mark, but no tattoo. She’d had it removed. Erased it. Erased us.
She slammed her bedroom door, and I followed until my head rested against the wood. “Fuck, you are so stubborn,” I whispered, but it came out as more of a compliment than a measure of my frustration.
I heard a small thud where her head would be if she were in the same position, and some of the fight drained from me. If she didn’t want to talk to me, there was nothing I could do to make her.
“Okay. You win. There’s nothing I can say to make you talk or give me a chance to explain. The truth is that I don’t deserve it, anyway. I fucked up two years ago. Hell, two years, four months, two weeks, and three days ago. I know, because there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you. And I know that doesn’t count for anything, that it’s all just bullshit, but, Rachel, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to just have a simple conversation with you. I’ve missed you so damn much.”
There was a sliding sound and another thud.
“So I’m going to stoop to bribery,” I said. “I know how much you loved this lifestyle, and I’m going to use it shamelessly. We’re doing a hang gliding stunt off the Lion Rock the day after the Pacific Cultures trip. If you agree to one conversation with me, just to let me explain, I’ll take you with me, tandem.”
My heart sank a little every second she didn’t answer until I was sure that my last-ditch effort wasn’t going to amount to anything. Finally, I conceded the battle and started to walk away.
I was halfway down their hallway when her door opened.
“Landon?”
I turned so fast I nearly smacked into the wall…again.
She stood there, a white towel wrapped around her, and it was somehow sexier than when she’d challenged me with her nudity. The swells of her breasts rose above her crossed arms, and even without makeup, her face was startlingly beautiful. God, I’d missed her eyes—missed everything. The years I’d missed had taken her teen beauty and turned her into a magnificent woman. I tucked my thumbs into my pockets again to keep me from foolishly reaching for her as our eyes locked. That connection between us that a twenty-year-old kid hadn’t understood was still there, and now I knew what chemistry was—and how rare the intensity of ours was. “Rachel?”
“I’ll do it,” she said, brushing a strand of wet purple hair from her eyes and tucking it behind a delicate ear. It had always astonished me how such a fierce attitude could be contained in such a petite package. If her body matched her personality, she would have towered over me in height.
“You will?”
“I just said I would.”
“Right.” Where the hell was my game? My smooth lines? My ability to charm the panties off any girl?
She’s already not wearing them…
“One thing, though. We’ll talk in Sri Lanka. I worked really hard to put you behind me, and I’d like a couple days before you go and rip me apart again.”
“God, Rach—”
She shook her head. “No. Not yet. There. We’re stuck together all day anyway.”
I nodded. “Okay. Sri Lanka it is.”
She turned to go back into her room but paused just before she entered. “One more thing.”
“Anything,” I promised. The girl could have my balls in a vise if she wanted them. Hell, they were pretty much there anyway.
“If I’m signing that media release, I want my own hang glider.”
A slow smile spread across my face. “Of course you do. When’s the last time you were up?”
Her eyes narrowed. “About six months ago. And I bet I’m still better than you are.”
Without another word, she shut the door. I’d never been so happy to get so little out of someone.
I couldn’t hide my smile as I walked out past Penna. “Thank you for the idea.”
She glanced up then back down at her book. “No problem. And funny, I thought you said it wasn’t sexual?”
“What?”
She pointed at my shorts without looking up.
Fuck. I was sporting a hard-on that could have knocked on Rachel’s door itself. “It’s not only sexual,” I said, covering myself with a pillow so I could get back to my room without getting shit from half the Renegade crew or the cameras in our suite.
“I would hope so. Plenty of girls have had your only sexual lately, and if I were you, I’d make sure that shit ended before you even tried to get back with Rachel.”
“Who said I’m getting back—?”
Penna’s look silenced me. Having lifelong best friends was annoying as hell sometimes.
“Okay, you’re right, but FYI, I haven’t fucked anyone since she crashed back into my life.”
“Too much info,” Penna said, gagging. “Now go before she sees me conspiring with the enemy.”
“I thought you said you were Switzerland?”
“Just because they stay neutral doesn’t mean they don’t have an opinion.”
“Traitor,” I teased.
“Out,” she said, pointing to the door.
Hard-on happily suppressed, I tossed the pillow onto the couch and left. I had two days to figure out what the hell I could say to Rachel to make her understand what had been the hardest choice of my life if I wanted a chance at having any kind of relationship—friendship or otherwise—with the only woman I’d ever loved.
No pressure or anything.
Chapter Eight
Rachel
Sri Lanka
Was it possible to instantly fall in love with a place? It had taken a two-hour bus ride to get to Gal Viharaya, and even though I’d been aware of Landon watching me from a few rows behind, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the countryside. It was lush, green, and, I kid you not, there had been elephants wandering through the streets a while back.
We made our way as a class up the ruins of the Buddhist temple and listened to our teacher explain the details of the weathered structure. Every time I glanced at Landon, I found him watching me, and I ripped my eyes away.
It was like we were sneaking around again, scared that our glances would give us away.
His baseball hat was missing today, his hair in a sexy disarray that my fingers itched to run through. Those hazel eyes pierced straight through me as he headed in my direction once our professor was done and we were dismissed.
He held out his hand, and I glanced at it briefly before looking back up at him.
“Here?” I asked, knowing my stay of execution was over. As much as I’d blocked off my heart, my head, everything that had to do with him, I was about to have to listen to him make stupid fucking excuses for shredding me.
“Maybe somewhere a little more private?” he asked, motioning to a side of the ruins currently unoccupied by our class.
He checked back at least five times to make sure I was following him as we crossed the small distance, passing a giant Buddha, who looked so peaceful. I envied him that.
“Okay,” Landon said and took a deep breath. His mouth opened and closed a couple times while we stood there, eyes locked. “God, I had this all planned out, and now it’s all just…gone. I’d almost forgotten the effect you have on me.”
“Had,” I corrected, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “Everything about us is past tense.”
“I know I hurt you,” he said softly.
“You did,” I agreed, trying to block out the imagery those words brought up—the tears, the devastation, the groveling to get some semblance of my life back.
He rested his hands on top of his head
, the tattoos on his arms rippling with the motion. For a brief moment I wondered if he still had it, the one token we’d given each other…the one I’d immediately altered. “I don’t think there’s anything I can say to take back what happened with us.”
“There’s not.” That sounded strong. Good. Keep it up.
“For fuck’s sake, Rachel. Could you make this just a little easier? I’ve been trying for a week to get you alone—to get you to listen to me.”
“Why?” I asked. That familiar ache rose, a burning acid in my throat—the hurt I’d worked to lock away. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why did he have to chip away at the wall I’d struggled to build? Couldn’t he see how hard this was for me?
“Because I want you to understand,” he pleaded.
“Why is it so important to you? It’s been years. Years, and you never once tried to contact me to explain. Hell, I’m only here now because Wilder arranged it—not because you had some crisis of conscience or change of heart.” Because if he’d come back once—hell, even called or sent a freaking carrier pigeon—I would have melted. But there was zero chance in hell I was going to give him some kind of convenient absolution just because he didn’t want things to be awkward.
I could handle awkward. I couldn’t deal with heartbroken again.
“You’re right. I have a shit ton to apologize for. I left you. I chose the Renegades because if I didn’t, they would have lost the sponsors they needed to put on the Renegade Open that day. We were a package deal, and the sponsors threatened to pull out unless I came back. That would have left Pax, Penna, and Nick covering over two million dollars in prize money, plus the vendors that hadn’t been paid yet—all because I walked away. I made a split-second decision when Penna called because, though we’d already fucked over Pax’s heart, I couldn’t do the same to his career—my career, my family. So I tried to do what I thought was the right thing.”
“Right for everyone but me.” His explanation served up a fresh slice of pain. They’d all been so happy up there on that television screen while my world had slipped out from under me.
Never again. It didn’t matter how sincere he sounded, or how much regret shone from those gorgeous eyes of his, my heart couldn’t afford to go through that again. I wouldn’t survive it intact.
“Yes. I was a stupid fucking kid. I didn’t understand that what we had was something that doesn’t come along twice. I didn’t know enough about life—about love—to comprehend what I was doing. I. Was. Stupid. And I’m so sorry, Rach. I don’t expect you to forgive me—”
“That’s seriously the best you have?”
“What?” He blinked.
My chest burned with a tight pressure that made it nearly impossible to breathe. I sucked in a breath slowly while I debated the merits of walking away. No. This was something that had to be said. “You destroyed me, and the best you have is that you’re sorry, you were a stupid kid?”
He pressed his lips in a firm line. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping for alien abduction. Body snatchers, the donation of a kidney to a dying girl. Something, anything that would excuse what you did—that would give me a reason to stand here and listen to your bullshit.” How could that be all there was? How pathetic was I for even wanting an excuse that could justify his actions in my eyes? I was already slipping.
“How many times can I say I’m sorry? I’ll say it a thousand times.”
“Right. Okay. Let me start with the hours I spent in the ER, waiting for you to answer my text. Then we’ll move on to tucking my tail between my legs and going back to my parents, who, if you’ll remember, pretty much disowned me when I turned down Dartmouth to go live with you in the apartment that…oh, wait, that’s right—the apartment I had to liquidate my savings for so I could pay the deposit when you didn’t show up to sign the lease. I should have known then, but I was so naive. So stupid.”
“God, Rachel.” His shoulders fell.
It wasn’t enough. Maybe it was wrong, but for just that moment, I wanted to peel myself open and show him the scars he’d left on my heart. I needed him to know.
“Then there was the joy of listening to my father beg his friend in the admissions office to give me my spot back after I’d declared that true love was more worthwhile than an Ivy League education. And you know who was apologizing then? Me. Apologizing for you. You didn’t just break my heart—you annihilated it. You pulverized me and then went on your merry way like nothing had even happened.”
My heart ached with the emotions I’d done my best to lock away since he walked out, but they were now screaming to be acknowledged and set free. But I couldn’t let them out. It was like Pandora’s box in there, and the minute I let any of them slip, the slivers of me that wanted to believe him—the ones yelling the loudest that this was the man I’d loved—would run amok and then I’d be right back where I was two years ago. Destroyed, angry, and loving the man I desperately needed to hate.
I saw a group of girls from our class come toward us but didn’t pause. If I was going to allow myself this one moment to let it go, I wasn’t holding back.
“You went back to the Renegades and left me to pick up the pieces you shattered. Maybe I was the whore for cheating on Wilder, for falling in love with you. Maybe I am your curse. But I didn’t deserve to bear the entire weight of what we’d both done.” My throat tightened, and I blinked quickly, fighting back the prickling sensation in my eyes. I would not cry over him. Never again.
“You’re right.” His fingers tugged at his hair momentarily in obvious frustration. “But I wasn’t undamaged. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you, wonder where you were.”
“Hey, Nova,” one of the girls said, eye fucking Landon as she waltzed by, swaying her ass.
“Yeah.” I laughed. “Good thing you had tons of girls to soothe that hurt, Nova.”
He put up his hands in surrender. “Okay. Valid point made. I’m a dick, I did dick things, and then I overused said dick in what has been a failed attempt to get over you. Got it. But seeing you again—whether or not it was Wilder’s doing—I guess I knew we couldn’t start over, but I was hoping that we could at least be friends. You were my best friend, Rachel.”
I swallowed. “No. Wilder was. You chose him, and it took me a really long time to accept that as my reality. I waited the first few weeks for you to come back, for an explanation, for you to tell me that those promises we’d made to each other really meant something to you, because our plans, our future, our relationship meant everything to me, and I was so fucking stupid to love you like I did because you moved on like I was nothing to you.” My voice broke, and I took a steadying breath, fumbling over my stupid feelings to get a grip. “Yes, we’re stuck together for the next six months, but being friends? That’s too much. That Rachel—the silly eighteen-year-old you said was your infinity—you killed her. My heart stopped the moment I saw you on that TV screen, and that naive little girl in my soul didn’t die…she just ceased to be. So if I’m cold, callous, or unforgiving, then I’m simply what you made me.” I shook my head. “No, I’m what I made myself to make sure that I was never fooled again.”
“I’m not trying to fool you,” he said quietly, his eyes soft and warm—and everything I’d missed about him came rushing back in.
I saw him standing in the rain three years ago, waiting for me the afternoon we’d finally given in to our feelings. I saw the boy he’d been—so passionate, so protective—lying just under the surface of the man before me.
For a second I saw my Landon under Nova…and that was dangerous. My defenses started to shake, a vulnerability I hadn’t felt in years, and I scrambled for some kind of ladder to get me out of the pit of emotion he’d dragged me into.
“This is the only time you’ll bribe me like this,” I said, my tone stronger than I felt. “Thanks to Leah, Wilder has already told me that I can be in on whatever you guys are doing, and I intend to take him up on it. I’
ll never give up anything for you ever again. So let’s just be honest.”
His jaw tensed, those eyes a turbulent sea of blue and green. “Okay. Be honest.”
“I loved you. You broke me. No matter what connection we still have, I won’t ever let you close enough to do it again. That’s the place we’re at.” It was the only place I could afford to be, no matter how loudly my body sang when he was near, or how the deadened little lump of my heart had the nerve to flicker back to life at the sound of his voice.
He stalked forward until my ass hit the stone wall behind me and then caged me with his arms. “You got to be honest. My turn.”
“Okay,” I said, tilting my chin and hoping I looked unaffected by his nearness. Maybe if I quit breathing, stopped taking in his cedar-and-Landon scent, my body would forget that I knew his intimately.
Instead my own body went traitor and sent heat coursing through my veins, like it remembered every sensation he was capable of producing. The intensity in his eyes stole the air from my lungs and stripped me of my bravado when I needed it the most.
“I loved you,” he said, his voice low. “I broke myself—whether or not you saw it doesn’t change that fact. I’ll respect your wishes. I’ll keep my distance. But that connection you’re talking about? Yeah, it’s still there, still humming through my goddamned nervous system every time you walk in the fucking room, so as much as you’d like to, you can’t control my thoughts or what I want.”
My throat went dry. No! You’re stronger than this. “What do you want?”
He smirked, and my dry throat morphed into drool. Shit.
“Nothing you’re ready for. Hell, maybe I’m not, either. But I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not scared of what we could be—what we already are despite the pain we’ve caused each other. Six months together, Rachel. You can fight it all you want, but you and I both know we’re going to end up here time and again, because if there’s one thing our past has proved, it’s that you and I are inevitable, no matter who we hurt—even if it’s each other. I will never forgive myself for walking away from you. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s my fault, too, but I’m going to spend the next six months proving it to you. Because what I want is for you to look at me the way you used to, no matter how impossible that seems.” He pushed off the wall and walked toward where the teacher was gathering the students.
Nova (The Renegades #2) Page 8