by Sarah Biglow
“Oh.”
“And you have money to pay for…everything?”
“Of course, young lady. We are well aware of the obligations placed upon us,” Mr. Hilliard answered.
“If you had foster kids before, why didn’t you adopt any of them?” Erika questioned.
“They…were returned to their parents,” Mr. Hilliard said, still looking through her.
“So you want my kid because then, they can’t take it back?”
Arlene interceded before they could say anything else.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Erika for a moment alone.”
Erika swallowed and tried not to look guilty or freaked out as she followed Arlene into the hallway.
“You don’t seem to like them.”
“I don’t know. They’re kind of stuffy, and I don’t want my kid to grow up stuffy. And I don’t think he likes me. He keeps staring at me.”
“They do have experience with special needs children.”
“Yeah, I heard them, but I just…something about them bugs me.”
Arlene held up her hands and nodded. “Okay. No problem. We’ll keep looking.”
“I’m sorry,” Erika mumbled.
“You don’t have to apologize. You need to be comfortable with this process.”
They walked back into the room, and Erika watched as Arlene broke the news to the Hilliards. They didn’t seem too pleased. Then again, Erika couldn’t blame them. She’d be pissed if she was on their side of the table. They didn’t look at her as they left the room, and she sank into her chair. Arlene patted her shoulder.
“We’ll keep looking. I’m sure we’ll find someone.”
Erika gave a half-hearted nod. “Yeah.”
“I’ll be in touch,” Arlene promised.
Erika left the conference room. She wandered around outside for a few minutes before getting back on the T and heading out to Brookline. She needed to think, and she knew if she wasn’t at least in the general vicinity of her meeting, she’d miss it. Erika ended up sitting outside the church for nearly an hour before anyone arrived. Nate walked up and sat down beside her. Even in early November weather, he looked cute.
“You’re here early,” he said.
“Yeah. Just…thinking.”
“About what?”
“About how life sucks sometimes. And how much I could really use a drink.”
Without saying anything, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “We all have days like that.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Seriously. I wake up every day, and a little part of me wants a drink. But I have reasons not to now.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I’m going overseas after Christmas to do some mission work. I told myself I have to be sober to do that work.”
“That’s good. When will you be back?”
“It’s only a couple months. So probably March.”
“Cool.”
A tiny voice in the back of her head told her it was not in fact cool that the guy who understood her was leaving for months when she probably needed him most. Sure, they were only friends, but she wasn’t sure she could handle that kind of loss.
“You are coming back, though, right?” she said.
“I am.”
“I’ll miss you,” she blurted.
“I’ll miss you, too.”
“Can I be honest?” Erika asked.
“Sure.”
“You’ve kind of been what’s gotten me through the last few weeks. Well, I mean, my friends have too, but…you really get it. And I’m probably being a complete idiot, but I don’t know if I can handle you not being here.”
Nate pulled his arm away and took her hand in his, wrapping it in warmth. He didn’t say anything for a while. Just held her hand and smiled.
“You are stronger than you think. You can do this without me.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“You have to.”
She wanted to believe he had that much faith in her.
“So what’s got you so stressed?” he said.
Erika shrugged. “Maybe I should save it for meeting.”
“You can, but you’ve got a willing ear right now.”
She smiled. In a strange way, he reminded her of Dane. “I just had this meeting today, at the adoption agency.”
“I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”
“Not at all. The people were stuffy and rude. I didn’t like them. I didn’t want them raising my baby. But…part of me thinks I won’t get another shot at this. Like…no one else is going to want my baby.”
“Did the agency say anything about you not liking these people?”
“Just that they understand. And that I have to be comfortable, since it’s going to be an open adoption so I have to stay in touch with them. But it’s what they’ve been saying from the beginning.”
“I think that is important. But you shouldn’t let it stress you. You just need to have a little faith.”
Erika tried not to appear annoyed. “I keep forgetting you’re all about God and stuff.”
“Yes, I am,” he said. To her surprise, he didn’t look offended by her comment.
“Come on, let’s go inside.”
Erika followed Nate inside the church and up to the second floor for the meeting. They were the first to arrive, so they set up chairs and settled in to wait for everyone else. Erika busied herself with her phone, playing a game and texting Renee to tell her she’d be in late. She almost texted Dane but stopped mid-message. Maybe it was better to call him.
“Hey, I’ll be right back,” Erika said.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Nate replied.
She ducked out of the hall and dialed Dane’s number. Her footsteps echoed on the polished stone floor as she paced.
“Hey,” Dane said. It sounded like he was outside near traffic.
“Hi. Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Sure. I’m just meeting some of the guys for dinner. What’s up? Haven’t talked to you in a while.”
“I know. I’ve been crazy busy with work and doctor appointments and stuff.”
“Yeah. And you know I’m totally up for taking you if you need it.”
“Maybe my next appointment. I got a call from the agency today. They had a couple who wanted the baby.”
“Erika, that’s great.”
“I didn’t like them. They creeped me out.”
“That’s not cool. So what happens now?”
“They keep looking for other people.”
“You need me to come over?”
“No. I’ll be okay. I’m at a meeting right now anyway.”
“Seriously, I can come if you need me.”
“Thanks. Go have fun with your friends.”
She hung up as a bunch of people, Nate included, walked into the next room. She turned her phone to silent and followed them. The meeting got underway shortly, and Erika listened to everyone’s stories. She felt embarrassed sometimes that her story was way more fucked up than the rest of the group. It was selfish, really. Nate cleared his throat and looked right at her.
“I think we should all take a minute and hear what Erika’s been through today. She needs our support.”
Erika blushed and suddenly felt a tear trickle down her cheek. She wiped it away and cleared her throat.
“I…I thought things were looking up when I got a call about a possible adoptive family. But it didn’t work out. And I’m kind of scared. And I hate that my first thought was that I wanted a drink. That I needed one.”
The people on either side of her gave her gentle pats on the shoulder and a hand squeeze. She tried to keep it together, but the tears fell anyway. People gave her words of comfort and understanding. Nate even got up and gave her hug.
Half an hour later, they walked out of the meeting and to the T stop. Nate stood at her side as they waited for the same train out of the city. Just as Nate was about to step on the train, Eri
ka leaned over and pressed her lips against his cheek. He pulled away.
“Sorry,” she said and followed him onto the train.
“It’s okay. I just…you know I’m leaving next month.”
“That’s still a long way away,” she said.
Nate reached a hand out and brushed a stray piece of hair from her eyes. Even in the cool evening, his hand was warm against her skin.
“I like you, Erika. But there’s kind of a rule against getting involved like that.”
“You’re not my sponsor. Not like officially or anything. And besides, why would we have to tell anyone?”
“Erika. I want to be there for you. Just not like that, okay?”
He leaned over and pulled her into a hug. Somehow, even his rejection didn’t sting as much as it should have. They broke apart, and the train continued to trundle along.
“See you next week,” she said and got off at her stop. Erika tried not to think about the stirring in her stomach. She couldn’t have feelings for a guy who was going to be halfway around the world for a long period of time. He’d made that pretty clear. Still, he understood her on a level no one else did. She got home as Renee put a kettle on the stove for tea.
“How’d the meeting go?” Renee asked.
“Okay…met with the adoption people. The family wasn’t right.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie.” Renee pulled Erika into a hug.
“And um…Nate kissed me.”
“Really? He kissed you?”
“Well, okay, so I kissed him. We caught the same train after the meeting. It was nice, even though he told me that he’s not really interested.”
“Well, is he single?”
“I guess so. But he’s leaving for this big mission trip thing next month. I won’t see him until March.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a great catch.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Cleaver.”
“Give him a chance.”
“I want to. I like him. And he gets me. But…it’s just weird with him leaving.”
21
November 25th
Shannon stood over the stove and stirred the pot of thick brown gravy, strengthening the scents of roasting turkey and other Thanksgiving staples. Her gaze flitted to the clock every few minutes. She’d been up cooking since six that morning and still couldn’t push the worry out of her head that everything wouldn’t be done when their guests arrived. Meghan wandered in, carrying her penguin from the aquarium. She never went anywhere without it these days.
“Mama, what are you doing?”
“I’m making dinner.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s Thanksgiving, and we’re having lots of people over.”
She bent over as best she could to turn on the oven light and motioned Meghan closer. She pointed to the huge turkey inside.
“The turkey has to cook for a really long time.”
“That’s really big. When can we eat it?”
“Soon.”
“Can I help?”
Shannon looked around the kitchen at the disarray of dirty dishes and the neat stack of clean plates sitting on the kitchen table ready to be carried into the dining room.
“Sure. Can you help Mama by putting the plates on the dining room table?”
“Okay.”
“Be very careful. Take one at a time.”
“Where do I put them?”
“Put one plate in front of each chair.”
She watched Meghan take a plate from the kitchen and set it in the dining room. She gave her daughter a nod of approval and went back to stirring the gravy. A timer went off, and Shannon opened the oven. The heady smell of stuffing wafted over her, and she pulled the dish out. She quickly set it on a cooling rack and stuck the meat thermometer in the turkey. Not quite long enough. It would have to go at least another hour. She checked the clock on the microwave: two fifteen. She would have enough time before the girls arrived.
“Mama, I’m done.”
Shannon straightened up and glanced at the dishes in the sink. “Do you want to help Mama do the dishes?”
Before Meghan could answer, Tanner came tearing around the corner and slid to a stop in his socks, nearly colliding with his sister.
“Tanner, slow down,” Shannon scolded.
Tanner scrambled toward Shannon and wrapped his arms around her legs. Christian appeared seconds later.
“No fair. Mom isn’t base.”
“Is too.” Tanner stuck his tongue out at Christian.
“Guys, what are you doing?”
“Playing tag,” Christian answered.
“Not in the house, okay?” Tanner didn’t let go. “Tanner, you need to let go of Mama, please.”
“But he’ll get me.”
“He won’t, because you aren’t going to play tag anymore.”
Meghan ignored her brothers by dragging a chair to the sink and turning on the water.
“Christian, why don’t you go play on the computer for a little while?”
His features brightened, and he immediately turned to the computer. Tanner stayed latched to Shannon’s leg for a minute before taking off into the living room.
“Mama, I need help,” Meghan said.
Shannon gave the gravy one more pass before she set the burner to low and stepped to the sink.
“Don’t put so much soap in, sweetie.”
Meghan giggled as the suds foamed up over the pans. “The water’s really hot.”
“Yes, it is.”
Shannon turned on the cold water to even out the temperature. They stood together and scrubbed cookware until it sparkled.
“It smells great in here,” Mike said as he walked into the room.
“I’m helping Mama,” Meghan said.
“Yes, you are. You’re my perfect little helper,” Shannon agreed.
Mike kissed Meghan’s forehead and wrapped an arm around Shannon’s waist. “Are you doing all right?”
“I’m fine. Why?” she asked in confusion.
“You’ve been on your feet all day.”
Shannon glanced down at her stomach. They’d know the sex of their baby on Monday, and she was a little nervous. Once they were sure whether it was a boy or a girl, they’d start pulling out the old crib and buying new baby clothes. And she still hadn’t mustered up the courage to tell Mike how stressed she was with all the extra work.
“I’m okay. The dishes are almost done.”
He smiled and went to stir the gravy a time or two before disappearing out of the kitchen. Shannon picked up a dishtowel and took the utensils and pans as Megan finished dousing them with soapy water. As soon as the dishes were dried and put away, she headed for the living room. Tanner sat on the floor, playing with his trucks and knocking down towers of Legos. He seemed content with his toys until she sat down on the couch. He abandoned his spot on the floor and scrambled to sit in her lap.
“Ooh, Tanner you’re getting too big to sit in Mama’s lap,” Shannon said as he knocked the wind out of her.
“I’m not too big. Mama’s too big.”
Shannon laughed a little. “I think you’re right. Mama is getting big.”
“Baby takes up too much room,” Tanner said and pressed his face her stomach.
Shannon scooted Tanner over so he wasn’t right in her lap and cuddled him. She missed being able to rock him to sleep. He really wasn’t her baby boy anymore. Sitting there listening to the vague fighting sounds on Christian’s computer game, she lost track of time. Meghan finished with the dishes, and the water shut off. Only the doorbell ringing snapped her out of her daze. Shannon followed Tanner when he slid off the couch and ran for the door. They greeted Renee and Erika.
“Sorry we’re a little early,” Renee apologized.
“Don’t be silly. Come in.”
As they went into the kitchen, Mike took the turkey out of the oven to check the temperature.
“Looks really good,” Erika said.
“We shou
ld be almost ready. Probably another twenty minutes,” Mike answered and picked up a mixer. He finished the mashed potatoes. Surprised, Shannon gaped at him and tried to cover her shock with a faltering smile before leading their guests into the dining room. She supposed the holiday was the exception to the rule, especially since their guests were her friends.
“Chris, time to turn off the computer. We have guests,” she said.
Christian gave her a pleading look but shut the game down. Erika bent down to look at the design on the plates.
“You’ve got such beautiful china,” she said.
“It was a wedding present from my parents,” Shannon replied as they moved to the living room.
They sank into chairs and watched as Meghan colored and Tanner peered over her shoulder. He tried to make suggestions, but she swatted his hand away.
“So how have you been?” Shannon asked, looking at her guests.
“Good. I’m handling the news from last week better,” Erika answered.
“That’s great. How many months has it been since your last drink?”
Erika blushed. “Um…two.”
“That’s wonderful. I know it’s a constant struggle, but you’ve got a lot of strength in you.”
“A friend of mine said that, too. What about you? How’s work and stuff?”
“Oh, work is work. I’ve got a few extra clients right now, but I try to take it a little at a time.”
Renee and Erika nodded their understanding. Thankfully, neither suggested she share her concerns with Mike.
“What about you, Renee?” Shannon asked.
“Oh, work is fine. I get a lot of comments lately. You know, some people saying how brave I am to still be working and pregnant. I try to ignore the ones who aren’t so nice.”
“Mom,” Christian said, interrupting the conversation.
“Yes, Chris?”
“There are people at the front door.”
“Invite them in, and take their coats.”
“Okay.”
Moments later, Lisbeth and Candace walked in and joined them. Renee scooted over on the couch so they could sit.
“Did we miss much?” Lisbeth asked.
“We were just catching up,” Shannon answered.
Lisbeth gave them a sad smile. Shannon reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “How have you been?”