Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

“And didn’t tell you? I thought you told each other everything?” she asks, just as confused as I was when I found out.

  “Exactly! That’s what I thought anyway. But get this…apparently, she’s pregnant.”

  Kat gasps and nearly chokes. “Couldn’t wait to tell me that when I wasn’t takin’ a drink?” she teases.

  I chuckle. “Sorry. Put the cup down because there’s more.” She does and gives me her full attention. “He’s told me he’s going to propose because it’s the right thing to do.” The annoyance in my tone is evident, though I try to remind myself I should be happy for him even if I disagree with it.

  Kat practically picks her jaw up off the floor before she can form a sentence. “Wow. Did not see that comin’.”

  “I don’t think anyone did, or at least, I’m pretty certain no one would because one minute he was single, and the next, he’s having a baby and getting engaged. So yeah, I need to get over him because nothing is ever going to change between us now, and even if I did tell him my true feelings, it’d be too late. I’m not going to be that girl who tries to ruin a happy family.”

  “Geez, Mila. I’m so sorry.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand.

  I shrug, knowing I can’t do anything about it now. I missed my chance, and it’s something I’ll regret forever.

  “We haven’t chatted in a few days since he told me, and I’m still trying to process it all. I’m basically building that wall so I can let go and move on, but I’ll be there if he needs me. We’re officially at two different places in our lives at this point, so it’s only a matter of time before he pushes me out completely.” I take another sip of my coffee, needing to warm up my nerves.

  “Well, that happens in every friendship. One day, you’re both partying it up, and the next, your best friend has a husband and kids, and you have no idea where the time went. Before you know it, you’re nearly twenty-three, wondering how to even sort your laundry.”

  I chuckle, biting my lip because I know she’s referring to herself, but she’s good at making light of it.

  “Well, if I had someone to do my laundry, I wouldn’t bother to sort mine either.” We’re both laughing now. “Oh, I didn’t tell you the best part!” I slap my free hand on the table much louder than I meant to. “He told me she reminded him of me. Can you believe that shit?”

  “That rat bastard!” Kat says in a hushed voice between her gritted teeth. “There’s no way she’s as pretty, smart, sweet, and loyal as you are. There’s only one Mila Carmichael,” she states matter-of-factly, making me chuckle at how serious she sounds. Kat might have her flaws, but she really knows how to cheer me up.

  “I know I’m better off, honestly. I’ve had some time to think about it and soul search, and I want him to be happy. If he ever had feelings for me, he would’ve said something or made a move. It was probably nothing but a stupid crush that I held on to for too long. We never even kissed. How pathetic is that?”

  Our warm slices of pie are placed in front of us, and just the smell of the sugar makes my mouth water.

  “You know what you need?” Kat says while we both take a bite of our dessert. “To find you a nice Texas cowboy, get married, have a bunch of babies, and live happily ever after right here in Eldorado!” Kat laughs, but her tone is serious. “Or…” She pauses before continuing, “you just need to get laid right now.”

  I pinch my lips together, moving them side to side and not exactly hating her ideas. “All of the above?” I chuckle.

  “Deal. I’m going to help make this happen,” Kat says once she swallows a large bite.

  “No matchmaking, please. That never works out for me. Actually, relationships don’t work out for me, period. They either put me safely in the friend zone and treat me like ‘one of the guys’ or they introduce me as their friend, who’s ‘like a sister.’” I cringe at the dozens of times I’ve heard that. It’s like any chick who wears a football jersey can’t possibly have a vagina. I shrug, exhaling a deep breath of frustration. “Maybe I’m doomed. I’ll be a celibate cat lady who makes balloon animals for the neighborhood children, and then when I die, my cats can eat my corpse.”

  “Ew, gross. Why are you so morbid?” Kat laughs. “And depressing. Jesus. It’s worse than I thought. Mission: Get Mila Laid is in full effect immediately.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, my phone buzzes in my pocket.

  Cade: She said yes!

  A picture of Kristi smiling so happy with the ring on her finger comes right after the text. Another is sent where he’s sitting beside her with his arm around her. They both look ecstatic, which is good I guess. I don’t know anything about this chick, but if he likes her—loves her—then I want them to work out.

  I turn my phone around and show the photo to Kat. By the look on her face, I can tell she’s not impressed either.

  “I really want to be happy for him, but man, I can’t help feeling a tad jealous and maybe even a little bitter. Where did this chick come from, and why is she better than me, especially since she apparently reminds him of me? How does that even make sense?” I’m rambling now, so I shove the rest of the pie in my mouth to shut me up.

  “Because you’ve been friend zoned since the day you met him and feeling rejected is hard considering you’ve had feelings for him for years. It’d be easy to understand your feelings of jealousy, Mila. They’re completely valid, but you have to decide if you’re going to let yourself wallow and be depressed or get yourself back out there and find your own happy.”

  “You know, for a relationship-phobe, you hit the nail right on the head.” I smile, thankful that I have someone like Kat to talk to about this. I suck in a deep breath, pick up my phone, and type ‘congrats’ with a smiley face and tons of exclamation marks before hitting send and locking my phone. There’s a reply, but I don’t rush to read it. Kat’s right. Rejection, jealousy, being put into the friend zone…it’s like I set myself up to feel this way without even realizing it.

  “Tonight, I’m staying at Gigi’s too. After they go to bed, we’ll sit by the fireplace, drink the bottle of whiskey I’ve been saving for a rainy day, and talk all this shit out like we used to do each summer when we were teenagers.”

  I snort and refill my coffee cup. “When we use to underage drink.”

  She chuckles and nods. “Yeah, but we both turned out just fine. You think Gigi ever knew?”

  Nodding, I laugh. “Without a doubt. Our breath, bodies, everything smelled like whiskey. I didn’t drink for years after that summer. Just the thought makes me deathly ill.”

  “Being teenagers in love is hard. We had to drink and talk out all our woes,” she admits as she places her credit card at the edge of the table. The waitress picks it up and gives me a smile before walking away.

  “Being an adult in love is hard,” I mumble.

  After our check is paid for, Kat stands and stretches.

  “You know what? Fuck love,” she says matter-of-factly.

  We make eye contact as we exit, and I grin. I think that might be my new motto for the rest of the year. Hell, the rest of my life at this rate.

  Chapter Four

  JOHN

  Oh my God, what the hell is this? I hold up the contraption and rotate it back and forth, trying to make sense of what it does. It has a bunch of pointy sticks and holes. This can’t be safe for anyone.

  “It’s a bottle drying rack, John,” Emily tells me after she watched me for a good minute trying to figure it out. “Goes by the sink so when you wash the bottles in hot water, you can put them on the rack and air dry them.”

  “Why not just throw them in the dishwasher?” The words roll out of my mouth before I can stop myself. “Never mind. Dumb question.” I shake my head, feeling frustrated with all these new gadgets that have quickly taken over my house. The kitchen, living room, and my bedroom. I have no idea how I’m going to do this.

  As soon as I called Mama, she rushed over to the B&B and nearly had a stroke when I told her the news. I exp
ected her to chew my ass out or hit me upside the head, but she took Maize into her arms and cried. Knowing Mama, she’ll gladly accept anyone into our family, and my baby is no different. I let her read Bailey’s letter, and then she started crying all over again, which then made Maize cry.

  After realizing she needed to be changed and was probably hungry, I found a few supplies in her diaper bag that was left to the side of her car seat. Bailey left me a note in there as well, explaining her current schedule and how often she needs to be changed, bathed, and fed. And then I nearly had a stroke when she wrote that Maize wakes up every two to three hours during the night to eat.

  Shortly after, Emily volunteered to go into town with Evan to buy everything I need. Since they’ve been preparing for their own baby to arrive, I trusted they knew exactly what to buy, so I handed them my credit card and thanked them for helping me out. I wouldn’t have the first clue of what to get or where to even start.

  Luckily, Mama let Maize and me stay at the main house for the first few nights since she had everything set up for Riley already. She helped me with swaddling, changing, and making and checking the temperature of the formula, and although the first night was rough, we made it through.

  Now it’s been a week, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever get the hang of this. Emily’s been in the nesting mood lately, and since their new house and nursery are all set up, she’s claimed my house to clean and organize.

  Not that I even mind.

  Evan and Alex come walking into the kitchen from my room wearing scowls on their faces. Alex’s shirt is off, and Evan is unbuttoning his.

  “Why the fuck is it so hot in here?” Evan removes his shirt.

  “I don’t want her to get cold,” I tell them. Maize’s so tiny that I can’t imagine her body being able to stay warm.

  “She has like thirteen layers of blankets on her,” Evan remarks.

  “I’ll go turn it down,” Emily offers. “And check on her quick.”

  My brothers came over to help set up the crib and rocking chair. I don’t want Maize far from me at night, so I had them set everything up in my room since Jackson occupies the other bedroom. Emily told me about co-sleeping when she brought over a co-sleeper that stands next to the bed, so I’ve been using that for now. I like being able to roll over and make sure she’s still breathing. I had no idea I’d be so paranoid. Every sound sends me into a panic, and I find myself just staring at her to make sure she’s all right.

  Hell, I had no idea what it took to be a dad. A single dad, at that.

  “She’s fine. That swing is a miracle, I’ll tell you that.” Emily smiles proudly. I didn’t even know what a swing was—shocker—but I have to agree with her. It’s been a godsend for when I need to take a quick shower or put her down so I can eat something. She loves to be held, so anytime I lay her down, she’d start crying, but she definitely loves her swing and new vibrating chair. Alex found Riley’s old one and brought it over for me to use.

  It’s truly amazing how wonderful my family’s been, and it makes me think about Bailey, wishing I could’ve been there for her during those early days.

  “Well, everything’s set up,” Alex announces. “We left the mattress raised so you can move it down once she gets older,” he explains, knowing I wouldn’t know.

  “But you can still use the co-sleeper,” Emily interrupts. “Lots of parents do for the first six months or so.”

  “Then why did I just spend my day off sweating my ass off to put it together?” Evan retorts, giving Emily a look.

  “Because I said so.” Emily flashes him an over-the-top grin. She has about two months to go before my niece is here, which means her hormones aren’t one to mess with at the moment, and by the look on Evan’s face, he knows it, too.

  Alex snickers, covering his mouth with his hand as he tries to hide his smile. Even though he’s the youngest brother, he has more fatherly experience than Evan and me combined.

  “The mattress sheets and blankets have all been washed and are ready and so are all her new clothes, bibs, and receiving blankets,” Emily informs me, and I’m already lost. She sees the concern on my face and before I can respond, speaks up again. “I’ll go put everything away and make sure the crib is ready.” She pats my cheek like a mother would to their clueless child.

  Yep, that’s me.

  As if on cue, Maize starts crying, and I bolt between my brothers to get to her. The swing is no longer moving, and I figure the timer must’ve stopped. It’s been a couple of hours, so I take her out and immediately smell her.

  “Dang, girl. You put your uncles to shame.” I scrunch my nose and walk us toward my room where all the diapers and wipes are stocked. Emily’s eyes light up as soon as she sees Maize’s awake.

  “Hey, pretty girl,” she coos, and Maize immediately stops crying.

  “You’re never leavin’,” I tell Emily, only half-joking. “I think she thinks you’re Bailey,” I say sadly at the realization that she misses her mama and is too young to understand why she’s not here. I’ve been so busy and tired that I hadn’t even thought of how confusing this must be for Maize even if she’s only ten weeks old. She spent nine weeks with her, feeling her touch, smelling her, being held by her weak arms. I imagine the day when she’s old enough to ask questions, and I’ll have to explain this all to her.

  “Let me help, John,” Emily says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “I can tell your mind is spinning.”

  I brush a hand through my hair and sigh. “When hasn’t it been this week? I think I’m still in shock, honestly. I haven’t had time to even really think about the next day, let alone years from now. What am I going to tell her? How? What do I even say?”

  Emily grabs Maize and gently sets her down on the bed. I hand her a diaper and the box of wipes and watch as she effortlessly unsnaps her onesie and gets her diaper off in less than twenty seconds. That would’ve taken me two minutes, minimum.

  “You’re going to tell her what a warrior her mama was,” Emily begins, making smiley faces at Maize as she continues to change her. “You’ll explain how brave and selfless she was and how her mama loved her so much that she gave up her own life so Maize could live hers. And then you’ll tell her it’s okay to be sad, but it’s also okay to be happy.”

  My eyes water without permission, and I look up at the ceiling to contain them. The less sleep I get, the more broken down I feel. Everything Emily just said has me wrapping my arms around her and thanking her.

  She turns toward me and rests her palm on my cheek with a small smile. “And then you’re going to tell her all about the day you became a dad. You’ll continue about how hard and draining it was and how you never thought you’d sleep again, and before the conversation is over, you’ll explain how she was worth it all. How happy you were to find out you had a daughter and how she changed your life for the better because John, there’s no better feeling than being a parent. And even though our little one isn’t here yet, I know I’d do anything for her. I see the same look in your eyes, and I know you’ll be a great dad. It’s hard right now, but you’ll eventually form a schedule and a rhythm, and you won’t even remember what life was like before Maize.”

  Hearing those words are like music to my ears, and I can’t believe Emily just poured her soul out to me like that. I know she’s extra emotional lately, but as I watch the tears fall down her cheeks, I’m not embarrassed that I’m crying right along with her. This has been the hardest and most emotionally draining week of my life, but Emily’s right. I’d do anything for Maize because my life is no longer just about me.

  “Do I need to get my gun?”

  We both snap our heads toward the door when we hear Evan’s annoyed voice. I quickly look down to wipe my face on my sleeve and wait for Emily to explain before Evan threatens my nuts with his shotgun.

  “Calm down, caveman,” Emily teases. “I was just giving John a good parent pep talk.”

  “Well, can you do that without touching him?”


  Alex snorts, and I hadn’t even realized he was behind Evan.

  “You’re just jealous I’m getting more action than you,” I taunt, knowing he’s been extra careful with Emily lately since he’s worried she’ll go into premature labor if they have sex. He’s a doctor, for God’s sake, yet he treats Emily like she’s made of glass and will break at any moment.

  “Don’t push me, John. You don’t get a pass just because you’re a new dad now.”

  “Yeah, we’ll see when things are vice versa in a month or so,” I mock.

  “Who’s gettin’ action?” Jackson barges in as per his usual. Only interested when the conversation is about getting laid.

  “No one,” I say, dismissing him. “And keep it down.”

  “Why? She’s not sleeping. She’s wide-awake,” Jackson states, stepping in and walking right toward Maize. “And she’s a happy girl, I see.” He smiles, which makes all of us laugh because Jackson doesn’t know shit about babies any more than I do, yet somehow, he turns to mush anytime he sees her. “Not that I’m surprised. Her favorite uncle is home now,” he gloats before reaching down to pick her up.

  “Be careful!” I remind him. “Hold her head.”

  Jackson brings Maize to his chest and rests his palm over her tiny head. “You don’t have to coach me every single time,” Jackson barks. “I may be a lot of things, but I know how to hold a damn baby. Isn’t that right, Maze?”

  I roll my eyes, not wanting to argue with him while Maize’s awake and currently not screaming her head off. This past week, I haven’t slept more than three hours at a time. I’m behind on my chores, my laundry, bookings and schedules at the B&B, and just about everything else. But I look at Maize who’s currently content in Jackson’s arms and wonder if I’ll ever get the hang of being a single dad.

  Bailey’s been on my mind nonstop, and I often wonder about her parents and family. We talked briefly about her childhood and how she grew up but never got into too many details about it. She didn’t like talking about it, and we only dated for about a month before things fizzled out. Regardless, it makes me sad because I can’t imagine trying to do all this without my family. Knowing she did it alone gives me the motivation to keep going even when I feel like giving up.