by Lisa Shelby
I glide my fingers up his back wishing I was touching his skin and bring my hands to his head where I guide his lips back to mine. A few moments later he pulls back and sits up. The excitement I was just feeling against my core is now visible and has me yearning for more. I remember what’s under those shorts, but I wouldn’t mind a reminder of what I’ve been missing.
“Emily, I am so sorry. I know you said that you just wanted to be friends and I’m trying. I really am. But you can’t deny that it’s still there. That connection between the two of us . . . it’s still there.”
“It is.”
“I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”
“You didn’t, I wanted it just as badly as you did. I did say I wanted to be friends. I have Ireland, school, class, threats . . . I just don’t know if I have enough to give. I also don’t want to hurt Ireland. If we try this and you leave or it doesn’t work out, it’s not just me that’s left behind to heal.”
I can tell that he doesn’t like my last statement but he checks himself before saying, “I don’t want to be an added stress to your life, Em. I know you have a lot going on but I’d like to be there to help you. I know you pride yourself on your independence and I don’t want to take any of that away. I would just love to be there for you and Ireland, but you’re already talking about when I leave. That’s not me, Em.”
Yep, I pissed him off.
“I know, but it’s what I know.”
“Emily, I think we should call it a night. I am going to sleep on the couch, after drinking that entire bottle of wine by myself, and you go to bed and think about what you are able to give and if you want to really try this. Just know that I’m all in but I don’t want to add stress to your life. Now please go to bed before I jump you again.”
He’s saying everything that I know to be true and everything I want to hear and all I can do is stand here staring at him. I can’t move and I can’t speak.
“Em?”
I jump at the sound of his voice and reply on auto-pilot. “Let me go get you a pillow and a blanket. I’ll be right back.”
In a haze of lust and with his admissions of wanting to try floating around my head, I walk in a daze to my room to grab a pillow and the extra blanket at the end of my bed and walk them back out to him.
He stands as I reach him and he grabs my face in his hands, closes his eyes, sighs and kisses my forehead.
“Goodnight, Gracie.”
“Night, Georgia.”
Someone Like You
Jonathan
I’m surrounded by my favorite scent of vanilla and coconut—and whatever it is that makes Emily always smell like vacation—as I start to wake up. But I’m not ready to open my eyes and leave my little dreamland. As I lay here in-between sleep and being awake, her scent surrounds me and the instant replay I have going on in my mind. On a constant loop, I keep reliving having her in my arms last night. I know I have to be patient and go slow, but it’s hard when all I want to do is throw her down and ravish her. Keeping my eyes closed and hidden from the morning sun starting to peek through the blinds, I think back to last night on this very same couch with her in my arms and her lips on mine. I’m afraid if I open my eyes I’ll be back at home alone in my bed and everything from last night will end up being just a dream that will disappear.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I feel a tiny little finger tapping me on the nose and am assured that I’m not at home alone in my bed and last night was thankfully not a dream. The smell of vacation is from the pillow I slept with that must be right off of Emily’s bed. And I have a feeling the tap on my nose is from a cute as hell little blond. I think I’m in Heaven.
“Good morning, Jonafon,” Ireland whispers into my ear.
I’m lying on my side facing her and I open one eye and whisper back, “Good morning, Princess.”
“You slept over?”
“I did.”
I sure hope this is an okay conversation for me to be having with her?
“Did the Wild Things make you sleepy too?”
“They did.”
“Well, if you stay over again tonight you can use one of my stufties to sleep with so you aren’t all by yourself out here on the couch,” she says as we both continue to whisper to each other. This little girl and her big brown eyes and her sweet little smile are quite something to wake up to. She is something else.
“Ah, thanks sweetie. Is your momma still asleep?”
“Yep, just me and Frank are up and now you!” she says loudly and then pops her adorable little hand over her mouth realizing she didn’t whisper that time.
“Shall we get up, let Frank out and then make your momma breakfast?”
“Oh yes, let’s make breakfast!”
“Okay, let me get up and get dressed and then we’ll go brush our teeth and get breakfast started. But let’s be sure to be quiet so we don’t wake up your mom okay?”
“Okay!” She runs off down the hall as I throw on my cargo shorts from yesterday and meet her in the bathroom. I use my finger to bush while she uses her pink toothbrush and we whisper as we brush and rinse. She giggles at my improvised brushing method and I can’t help but think how adorable she is and that I know exactly where she gets it.
We head to the kitchen and gather eggs, bacon and some pancake mix since Ireland has informed me she does not eat eggs. Duly noted.
We have the bacon cooking when the most adorable sight—next to the little blond helping me cook—I have ever seen walks into the room. Emily walks into the room with her hair all a mess wearing a baggy t-shirt and those damn yoga pants. She is rubbing her eyes and looks confused.
“What is going on out here you two?”
“Mommy, we’re making you breakfast!”
“You are?”
“Yep, bacon and eggs but Jonafon is making me pancakes ‘cause I don’t like the icky eggs.”
“What can I do to help?” she asks still looking confused.
“Not a thing, there’s a pot of coffee on if you want some. I can pour it for you and you can take your time waking up. Food should be done here pretty soon. Sorry if we woke you up.”
Emily shuffles into the kitchen, gets a coffee cup out of the cupboard and pours herself a cup. As she sips her coffee, she walks over to me and steals a piece of bacon off the plate on the counter and says thank you.
“Mommy, Jonafon did a sleepover!”
“He did,” Emily confirms apprehensively looking at me.
“Can he stay over again tonight? I pwomised him he could borrow a stuftie tonight if he sleeps over again.”
“We’ll see, sweetie,” Emily says to Ireland. She’s looking at me but I can’t read her face. I don’t know if she’s trying to tell me something or not.
“How do you like your eggs?”
“Scrambled please,” they both say together. It’s cute to see Ireland answer for her momma.
“Comin’ right up.”
As I finish cooking, the girls set the table—Emily still not able to comprehend that I’m still here, cooking her breakfast and Ireland bouncing with glee to have me here—and then we all settle in at the kitchen table and eat up. Ireland talks the entire time. There is a lot that she’s talking about that’s going way over my head but I just play along. At one point Emily catches my eye and mouths ‘sorry’ to me but I give her a wink back because there is nothing to be sorry about. I haven’t felt this light in years.
Emily helps me clean up the table and then I kick her out of the kitchen.
“I got this. You go finish your coffee and figure out what we’re going to do today.”
“You don’t have to stay, Jonathan, you can get back to your own life. We don’t want to keep you.”
She really doesn’t get why I’m still here.
“Darlin’ there is no place I would rather be.”
I love the hint of pink that lands on her cheeks after my comment. Just knowing I have an effect on her is all I need to strengthen my hope that we can have m
ore.
Skeptically she asks, “You sure?”
“Yep,” I say to her and then louder to them both I say, “So ladies what are we going to do today?”
“Let’s go to the zoo!” Ireland yells jumping up and down.
“Baby Girl, we really shouldn’t be out spending money. Let’s just have another movie day here.”
Not this again, Gracie.
She starts to fidget with her necklace and it’s clear she’s uncomfortable. I guess I need to make things clear like I did back in the day.
“I know it’s been awhile, and maybe you have forgotten, so I won’t take offense this time. I will, however, remind you about something we talked about a long time ago.”
“What’s that, Georgia?” she says with just a touch of sass and I love it. Bring it, little lady. I’ll win this battle too!
I dry my hands off after putting the last dish in the dishwasher and walk over to where she’s sitting at the kitchen table. I grab the chair next to her that’s currently home to her sock covered feet, and turn it so that she has to put her feet on the ground in front of her. I face the chair towards her so that I’m sitting just inches away from her with my legs on either side of hers. My hands wrap around her legs and my thumbs rub back and forth just above her knee. Simply touching her makes me feel like anything is possible. Here goes nothing.
“When you are with me, you don’t pay. If I offer to take you somewhere, I will pay. I don’t want you to offer to pay or ever even think about paying me back.” She tries to open her mouth to speak, but I simply shake my head slowly telling her now is not the time to protest. Quieter, so Ireland can’t hear me, I lean in even closer and say, “Again, I know you know this but like I said it’s been awhile so I think a reminder is in order. I take care of what is mine and before you freak out . . . I know you aren’t really mine. But when you are with me and we go places, you and Ireland are mine and I will take care of things. No talk of feeling obligated to me and no expectations, understood?” She nods her understanding. “Good, now I’m going to go home, so that I can take care of Frances, take a shower and then I’ll be back. You ladies get ready for the zoo!”
I stand and get ready to leave while Ireland jumps all around the room singing about going to the zoo. Emily continues to sit motionless, seemingly in shock. I wish I knew what was going on in that pretty little head of hers but I learned long ago—growing up with just me and my mom—that women are a mystery we men will never completely understand. No matter what she’s thinking I hope she is starting to understand that I meant what I said last night. I am all in. The ball may be in her court, but I’m certainly going to be playing some offense to get her to come around.
Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You
Emily
Jonathan leaves and only a few seconds later I hear a knock at the front door. I walk over and throw it open to see Jonathan standing there with his arms crossed over his chest not looking too happy.
“Lock the door behind me, Emily,” he says gruffly.
“Okay,” I reply while I stand there and stare at him like he is a crazy person and he looks at me as though he’s about to ground me.
“Now shut the door and lock it. I’m not going to move from this spot until I hear you lock the door.”
I shut the door, lock it and then giggle as I hear him yell, “Thank you.”
It appears Jonathan is making a point to push his way back into my life and that both excites me and scares the hell out of me. I feel so torn. One part of me is soaring and beyond happy that the love of my life is here and wants to try again, but the other part of me is scared as hell and doesn’t want it to go any further so that Ireland and I don’t have to deal with the aftermath.
I haven’t been able to think like a rational human being since our kiss on the couch last night. It was just as good as I remembered, if not better. Feeling his thickness press into me filled me with a lust I have never felt with anybody but him. It was as if he wanted me to feel what I was doing to him to prove to me that he still felt the same way.
And now . . . we’re going to the zoo. I am taking my daughter to the zoo with Jonathan Kelly. Who would have thought this would ever happen? It is happening though and I should probably get in the shower so that he doesn’t find me still standing in this same spot day dreaming about him when he gets back.
“Ireland, grab your crayons and a coloring book. I need to get in the shower and we both need to get dressed.”
I don’t like the thought of Ireland in the house by herself while I’m in the shower, so when we’re home alone I have her come into the bathroom with me. We lock the door and she colors on the floor. We actually have some of our best chats while I am in the shower. It may be overprotective, but she is all I have and it’s what I need to do to stay sane when half the time I feel my sanity is slowly slipping away from me.
While I wash my hair, I take this time to talk to my sweet little girl happily coloring on the fluffy bath mat that I luckily brought with me from California. Mick’s new house is great, but he sure doesn’t have much as far as decor and it helps that I did have a few things to add here and there.
“Ireland, sweetie, please make sure you aren’t asking Jonathan to stay the night again or to stay for dinner and things like that, okay?”
“Why? He’s our friend.”
“I know baby girl, but we don’t want him to feel like he has to. He is our friend, but we don’t want to ask him to stay the night or take us places just in case he’s just doing it to be nice.”
“But mommy, he asked us to go to the zoo.”
How do you explain to your daughter at such a young age not to get attached or to expect people to stick around?
“He did, you’re right. Just . . . don’t invite him to stay over or to stay longer unless he offers okay?”
“Okay, mommy. I really like him though. He’s fun and he calls me Princess.”
“He is fun,” I agree with her.
And he loves to use nicknames sweetheart. Be careful because he will steal your heart with that nickname. Been there . . . done that . . .
“Can I wear a princess dress to the zoo today?”
“No, it’s too cold for that. You’ll need a little jacket or sweatshirt and comfy shoes so that won’t really go with your princess dresses. Let me just get dried off and I’ll lay your clothes out for you and you can get dressed while I get ready. Don’t forget to make your bed too, little one.”
After getting out of the shower Ireland and I both get ready. She is so excited that she’s bouncing all over the place. I need to find a way to calm this girl down or she is going to be a little too hyper for Jonathan and he may rethink his plans for the day.
“Baby girl, let’s take Frank out for a quick walk before we go.”
“Ok, can we stay by the house though so we can see when Jonafon gets back? We don’t want to make him wait.”
“Sure baby.”
Yep, she’s a goner.
By the time Jonathan gets back and we hit the road for the zoo, it’s noon. Jonathan seems just as excited as Ireland does about our little outing. He tells us he hasn’t been since he was a kid and can’t wait for Ireland to show him around. Man, he really knows all the right things to say and do. If he is still the same guy I met years ago, then I’m pretty sure he is sincere. He does want more than just to get into my pants but he’s just too good to be true and That. Scares. Me.
Ireland has been talking and singing the entire trip but when we we’re about to drive through the tunnel she reminds us all to hold our breaths and we get about thirty-seconds of quiet.
“What?”
“We started this about a year ago, it’s our thing. We hold our breath as long as we can when we drive through a tunnel.” I lean towards him and whisper, “It gives you a moment of silence, enjoy it.”
“I see. Okay well, we’re almost there, Princess. Here we go . . . 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .”
And just like that Jonathan jo
ins in our little tradition and doesn’t bat an eye at our crazy little ritual.
“Woo hoo! Did you do it Jonafon? Could you hold your breath the whole time?” she asks the moment the truck is back in the daylight.
“I did, how about you?”
“I did and now that we are out of the tunnel that means we’re almost there!”
“How often have you been here in the couple of months you’ve been back?”
“Just once, but clearly it made an impact.” I say turning to look at my adorable daughter in the backseat. Ireland in her seat, looking like she and the booster seat are born to be in his truck. She is giddy and about to bounce right out of her seat with excitement.
The zoo is packed, but that’s not surprising. It’s the beginning of October and Portlanders know that this sunny weather that we’re still having won’t last long. It’s time to get all the fun outdoor things done before the rain arrives. The fact that it’s already 12:30 doesn’t help either. The only time this lot isn’t full is in the morning before the gates open and there will still be a line full of people waiting to get in. The Oregon Zoo is worth the wait and price of admission though. I grew up coming here and love that I get to see it again through a child’s eyes by bringing my own daughter back to a place I loved so much growing up. I can’t wait to bring her to Zoo Lights at Christmastime and to Concerts On the Lawn in the summertime.
We finally find parking and make our way to the line. The line moves quickly and just as he made it clear he would, Jonathan pays and hands us our tickets for entry and the train. When we first walk in the gates Ireland runs right to the Big Bear in front of the gift shop and begs us to take her picture. Jonathan pushes me to go with her and we take our picture with the ten-foot black bear. As we’re stepping away an older woman offers to let Jonathan step in with us and she’ll take our picture. He jumps at the chance and runs over to us, picks up my baby girl with one arm and puts his other around my shoulder and pulls me in to him.
The woman takes the picture and then just as we start to step away I feel his lips on my temple as he gives me a quick, yet innocent kiss. Just as fast as it happens, his arm leaves my shoulder and he sets Ireland down and goes to retrieve his phone from the kind lady that took our picture. I feel his lips on my temple the rest of the afternoon. It’s as if he’s branded me and deep down I want nothing more than to be branded his.