by Lisa Shelby
I’m tired and the dream is starting to fade again.
I never do find her.
Beep . . . beep . . . beep . . .
I can hear Emily again, and this time I can hear Devon too. I need to wake the hell up. I need to get out of this damn fog. They sound closer than before. I hear her telling him how stupid she is and that she’ll never forgive herself. Devon is reassuring her and telling her that I’m going to be okay and that the two of us will figure our shit out once I’m awake. This isn’t a dream after all, what’s happened to me? Why can’t I wake up?
Beep . . . beep . . . beep . . .
It’s quiet except for the loud beep that will not stop echoing in my damn head. My head still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and my neck feels hot as hell. It doesn’t hurt like the back of my head does though. It almost feels like it’s on fire. It’s so quiet that Emily and Devon must have left. How long have I been asleep? Did she give up on me? Did she leave again?
I give it everything I have and finally feel my eyes start to slowly peel open. What I see when my eyes finally do open makes the effort worth it, and takes my breath away. Sleeping soundly curled up in a small chair right next to my bed is my sweet Gracie. She didn’t leave . . . she’s still here . . . she didn’t fucking leave. Everything hurts, but the relief I feel seeing her here, curled up in that chair makes me feel like I might just be okay.
The feeling is somewhat short lived when I try to speak her name. Shit that hurts. What the hell happened to me? Every time I try to say her name I feel like I’m trying to speak through a throat full of gravel. I know that I can do this. I need to see her open those beautiful blue eyes of hers; those eyes that reach into my soul and take away all my pain. I need her to comfort me like nothing and nobody else can.
I try once, twice and then on the third try, I finally get her name out loud enough to cause her to stir. When she does finally open those captivating pools of blue and it sinks in that I’m awake she gasps and is out of the chair and holding my hand in a flash. There are tears streaming down her face, and she keeps kissing my hand, scanning my face for what I don’t know, and saying how sorry she is over and over.
“Oh my God, let me call the nurse.”
“Emily,” I grunt out.
“No baby, don’t talk. Just take it easy, and wait until they come in and check you out.”
I nod my head to let her know I will obey, and I don’t miss that she called me baby. Fuck that feels good.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Just to be hers and for her to be mine.
I don’t take my eyes off of her. She holds my gaze and my hand, and her tears keep streaming down her face.
“It’s so good to see those eyes that go with that handsome face of yours. It’s been two days, but it feels like two years. I got you baby, you’re going to be fine,” she says still holding my hand as the nurse comes in and starts to check me out. She’s an older, round woman who looks like somebody who gives great hugs.
“Good evening, sir. Well, I guess it’s good morning now. How are you doin’ Mr. Kelly? I’m Nurse Jackson and I’ve been looking after you.” I instantly feel comfortable with her, she has that mama bear thing about her.
“My throat and my head hurt.” I manage to grunt out.
“Well, that’s not a surprise,” says a man’s voice from behind Nurse Jackson.
A short, grey haired man with a comb-over steps into view, and pushes his glasses up on his nose with his forefinger. He leans over in front of me and lifts each eyelid while flashing his little light in each of my eyes.
“You had a close call, Officer Kelly. You were shot. Do you remember the shooting?”
“No, I don’t really remember much. I know it happened really fast. Truman called for backup. When I got there the passenger got out of the car with a gun in his hand. I heard a bang and then that’s it.”
Fuck that hurt! My throat is killing me!
Seeing the grimace on my face the doctor says, “I know that hurt, Officer Kelly, so let’s try not to talk too much more if you can help it. We had a tube down your throat during surgery, and that’s probably why it hurts so bad. Nurse Jackson, can you bring Officer Kelly some ice water, please?”
As if she was expecting his request, she is right there with a beige plastic cup of water complete with a straw. I start to try to lift myself to drink, but Nurse Jackson gently pushes on my shoulder, shakes her head and brings the straw to my lips.
Emily is still holding my hand on the other side of the bed. She’s squeezing it so hard I think she may break it, but you couldn’t pay me to ask her to let it go.
Once I have my water down, Nurse Jackson moves out of the way, and the doctor moves back in so he’s right in my face and pushes his glasses up again.
“Officer Kelly, my name is Dr. Green and I performed surgery on you last night. You were shot in the head on the right side, just behind your ear, and the bullet left your body through your neck. You are a very lucky man, and most certainly have a guardian angel looking out for you.”
Make that two. I think to myself.
“The bullet didn’t hit any vital organs or any major veins or arteries. During your surgery we made sure that all of the bullet fragments were taken out and that we closed up the entry and exit wounds. We’re going to need to keep you here for a few days to monitor you, but if you take it easy I think you will heal just fine in no time.”
Wow, I was shot.
I am in a state of shock at hearing that news. It all happened so fast that I don’t even really remember getting hit. I remember turning to yell at Truman, but I don’t remember getting hit.
“Do you have any questions for me?”
I hear him ask the question, but I’m still lying here trying to imagine how it is that I don’t remember getting shot. Shouldn’t I remember something like that?
“Okay, well it’s a lot to take in, but if you do come up with any questions just let Nurse Jackson know, and she can page me. Or press the call button and somebody can come get me. You take care now, and we’ll step out and give you a moment with your girlfriend before we let anybody else in. If you don’t want guests, you just let us know and we can keep visitors out for you.”
Girlfriend? Did he just say my girlfriend?
Once we’re alone Emily asks, “Are you okay?”
I start to open my mouth to answer her, but she stops me and starts rambling. But it’s a ramble I will never forget as long as I live.
“Wait, don’t say anything. I need to get this out before you have a chance to kick me out. So, please just listen to me. Please hear me when I tell you that you are so much more to me than a good time. I know what you heard me tell Mick, but that was bullshit. Jonathan, I don’t know why I said it, well I do. I was scared and stupid and didn’t want to deal with Mick yet. I told him everything, Jonathan. I told him our entire story from the first day I met you until now. He gets that I am completely in love with you, and that he will just have to deal with it. I may not have fought for you before, but, honey I am here and I am fighting for you now. I beg you to forgive me. You are the last person on earth I would ever want to hurt. You mean so much to me, and I will do everything in my power to never hurt you again. I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes. But will you forgive me? Can there still be a you and me?”
I am awe-struck by this phenomenal woman standing before me. My scared little Gracie just told me she loved me. At least I am pretty sure that’s what I heard.
“Emily?”
“Yeah?”
She looks scared to death as she replies.
“Did you just say that you loved me?”
Her face lights up with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
“I did! I love you! I know this is the worst place to say it, and it is so selfish of me with everything you have going on right now, but I couldn’t go another minute without you knowing. I’m in love with you, and last night was just another reminder that life is short
, and Ireland and I don’t want to miss another minute with you. That is if you still want me . . . us?”
“I really can’t believe you, Emily. Do you really think there is a chance in Hell that I wouldn’t want you? I have been in love with you since the first time I laid eyes on you. You’re it for me. You always have been. I love you right down to your bones, baby.”
My beautiful Gracie stands before me with tears streaming down her face.
“So, you forgive me?”
It hurts like hell but, I need to be perfectly clear how I feel for her right here and right now. No more pussy-footing around. I just need to keep it short and sweet, but crystal fucking clear.
“Gracie, I love you and I forgive you. You are mine and I am yours. And I want the whole world to know it. No more hiding. If we dance in the dark again—and I hope we do—it’s not because we’re keeping our love a secret. So, I hope it’s clear, and I mean crystal clear, that we belong to each other and nothing is going to come between us again.” She gives me a nod as tears continue to stream down her face. With one last scratchy sentence, I seal the deal. “Now, come give me a kiss.”
Lost
Emily
I find myself nearly skipping through the hospitals doors when I return after Jonathan sent me home to clean up.
He loves me!
Jonathan Kelly loves me and forgives me!
I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him walk back into my life. Not only did he walk back into my life, but he fought for me. He had to shake sense in to me, but he did it. Even after I let him down he’s forgiven me, and he’s mine. I’ve been his since I walked away from him years ago, but now he’s mine as well. Now it’s time to get him on the road to recovery and home as soon as possible so I can help him get back on his feet.
He didn’t want any visitors when he woke up in the middle of the night last night. His throat hurt, he was exhausted and he wanted some alone time with me before others started invading our space. Of course there were nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room, but our eyes rarely left each other’s even when they were talking to him or checking his vitals. He finally sent me home early this morning so that I could get cleaned up. After only being gone a couple of hours, I feel like I haven’t seen him in days and can’t wait to get back to him.
As I walk off the elevator and enter the waiting room, there is still a big crowd of people, our people.
I’m realizing more and more now, that my entire life the police department has been my family, and they are Jonathan’s family too. As a kid I didn’t appreciate the family that comes with your father being a police officer. As scary as the job is, I’m so glad that Mick and Jonathan both have such a big support system; people that would do anything from help you move to give their life for you. I didn’t think I wanted this life after watching my parents’ marriage crumble, but now it’s something I plan to embrace and appreciate.
I notice as I get closer to the group—many of whom were here when I left—that they all seem a bit more down than they did when I left. Mick sees me, and heads my way, he also lets out a big breath like he’s preparing himself for the conversation he’s about to have with me. My heart rate picks up speed and I can feel myself start to panic.
“What Mick? What’s happened? Tell me he’s okay? He was fine when I left!” I ramble as he approaches me. I can feel eyes watching me but trying not to be obvious. What the hell is going on?
“Emmers, he’s okay. He uh . . . just doesn’t want any visitors.”
“What do you mean, Mick? What are you not telling me?”
I can tell that he’s trying to be quiet and not cause a scene. I’m the one raising my voice, but I am so confused.
What is he trying to say?
As I wait for him to answer, he takes me by the arm and we move to the back of the room away from everybody else.
“Em, they finally told him about Bob not making it and he isn’t taking it too well.”
“Oh my God, he has to be so upset right now. I need to get back to him. He needs me, Mick.”
“Em, he doesn’t want any visitors.”
“I heard you, but that doesn’t mean me.” I say incredulously.
Mick just stands there staring at me and I finally figure it out.
“Mick, does it mean me?”
Hesitantly, he nods his head to confirm that I too am not wanted in Jonathan’s room.
“I don’t understand, Mick. Just two hours ago we finally said ‘I love you’ to each other and now he doesn’t want to see me?”
“It’s not you, he doesn’t want to see anybody. Devon is the only person he’ll let in, and he’s in there with him now. He gave strict instructions to the hospital staff and to the officer standing watch outside his room. He’s been through a lot. He’s coming to terms with the fact that Bob died when he was supposed to be his back-up. That would be hard for any of us to deal with. It’s not you, sweetie.”
I can’t believe he doesn’t want to see me. I hear what Mick is saying, and I appreciate that he’s upset and suffering, but I want to help him through this. I want to comfort him and make sure he knows it’s not his fault. I want to be there for him when he needs me most.
The high I was feeling when I walked through the front doors of the hospital has vanished, and I feel like my heart is being torn in two.
I need to pull myself together. Time. I just need to give him some time. I can do that. I’ll wait as long as he needs me to. With this mantra running through my head, I thank Mick, give him a hug and return to the group that is still gathered to support Jonathan. I give my hellos and thank yous for their support and find an open chair where I sit and wait with everybody else.
About an hour later Devon comes out of the room and addresses the group.
“Hey everybody. Um . . . so, J says he still doesn’t really want visitors right now. He knows you’re all out here, and he really appreciates it, but he wants everybody to go home, get some rest and get back to your lives. Again, he really appreciates you all being here, but he just isn’t up for visitors right now.”
Most leave but Devon, Mick, Chaplin Tom and I stick around.
“Devon, thank you so much for being there for him. He’s so lucky to have a friend like you,” I say as I give Devon a hug and then turn to head towards Jonathan’s room. Devon grabs me by the wrist to stop me and says, “I’m sorry, PDX, but J really doesn’t want any visitors. I am so sorry. It kills me to say it, but he doesn’t want to see you right now.”
He can see the tears in my eyes before they start to fall and pulls me into a strong hug. “He feels like this is Shell all over again, and isn’t doing so well. He doesn’t want you to see him like this. It’s a lot for him to handle, and he has a lot of guilt right now. He’s been through so much already, and I think this might be a bit of a setback for him.”
I wait all day.
I’ve been told more than once by the nursing staff that he still doesn’t want to see me, but I stay strong and stay there because when he’s ready to see me I want to be here.
I have somehow fallen asleep on the miserable bench in the waiting room when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Nurse Jackson is back and she gives me a sweet smile before she says, “Darlin’, it’s after visiting hours and he still doesn’t want to see anybody. I am so sorry, but you really need to go home and get some rest.”
I can’t believe the entire day has gone by and he still doesn’t want to see me. I really do need to get home to Ireland and give my mom a break for a bit, but leaving feels so wrong. I won’t quit on him though. I’ve waited five years to tell him that I love him. I am not going to give up now that we’re back together where we both know we belong.
“How’s he doin’, Nurse Jackson?” I ask as I stretch my aching neck.
“He’ll be okay, Miss Emily but he needs to get some rest and so do you.”
“Yes, ma’am, I’ll go. Will you please tell him I was here and that I’ll be back in the morning?”
“I sure will. You get some sleep and I’ll let him know.”
“Thanks.”
Against everything in me that’s telling me to stay I get up, grab my purse and reluctantly head to the elevators. I sit in my car for several minutes just staring up at the building that the love of my life is in, wondering how the hell I can help him if he won’t let me in. I hope he knows that I’m not quitting on him, and I won’t let him quit on me either. I will come back every day until he lets me into that damn room.
It’s now noon on day four after Jonathan’s shooting and I’m still sitting in the waiting room. I’m still texting him every day and he’s still not returning my texts. He still won’t let anybody but Devon in to see him. This morning when I arrived and the nurses wouldn’t let me in, I took up my spot in the waiting room and began my wait. Alex came and sat with me for a while but then had to leave for work. Not too long after, Devon came out of Jonathan’s room looking horrible.
He plops down in the seat next to me and weakly offers up. “Hey PDX.”
“Hey Devon. You okay?”
“I don’t know, Em. I’m worried about our boy, and I don’t know what to do to get him through this. I am at a complete loss.” He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and hangs his head looking completely overwhelmed. “I know that you are the thing that will snap him out of it. You’re his missing piece, Emily. You make him whole. I know that sounds crazy because it hasn’t been that long that you guys have been back in each other’s lives, but I saw it. I saw the old J returning. You were bringing him back to life. He’s been in love with you for years. He finally has you and he’s pushing you away. If I could just get you in that room. Emily, I know you’re what he needs.”
“I just don’t understand, Devon. He told me he loved me and he wanted to shout it out to the world that I was his. I leave for two hours and now he won’t let me be there for him. I know he’s going through a lot, but I just don’t get why I can’t be there for him.” I say, hoping I don’t sound as desperate as I feel.