Psych-Out

by Nova Nelson

  My friends were choking. Tanner was choking! They needed me to help them. If I gave in, I might not be able to save them.

  But, in the end, I didn’t stand a chance. I knew that. Whoever I was, this was how I died. Again and again and again, the visions had played out the same way. New person, new method each time, but it always ended the same: with death.

  There was no way around, then. Only through. I had to hope that on the other side I could escape the vision in time to complete the exorcism and save the people I loved.

  I stopped fighting it and gave into the blackness that closed in from the periphery of my vision.

  The darkness became complete, and so did the silence. It was like floating in outer space, but there were no stars, no planets, no galaxies.

  And then the world appeared again and I wasn’t alone. He was there with me. The man from my dreams.

  My sudden awareness of his presence made me feel like I’d been alone for longer than a few moments; I’d been alone for hundreds and hundreds of years, but finally I had company again.

  As the surroundings filled in, we stood at the edge of a green coastline plunging down hundreds of feet to the rocky ocean waters. But which ocean, I wasn’t sure. Twenty feet separated the two of us, and I closed the distance as quickly as I could because my soul simply couldn’t believe that I was here again, with him.

  He met me halfway, and while none of this made sense—how I was here, where I was, or even who I was—I didn’t care. I only cared about one thing.

  I crashed into his arms and the kiss came naturally after that. This couldn’t be a dream, not with the warmth of his lips on mine, the familiar way the contours of his chest fit against my body, the feel of his arms wrapped around me, gripping me like he might never let go.

  But finally, as the first salty taste of his tears met my lips, he ended the kiss, pulling back just enough to stare down into my eyes. Those sea-green eyes. How I’d missed them. Even the sparse freckles on his face felt like a familiar constellation that had hovered above me in the night sky for centuries.

  “My God, Diana, how I’ve missed you,” he breathed. The warmth of his breath and his Irish accent felt like home, like I hadn’t been gone from them a day. “I knew I would find you, just like I promised.”

  I blinked, trying to remember. It rang true enough, but …

  “You’ve forgotten,” he said. “You will remember soon enough. When they took you, I promised I would find you, no matter what happened. No matter how many oceans separated us or—”

  “How many lifetimes separated us,” I finished, remembering it now. That promise made in a lover’s bed the night before I was taken away, sold to another man to become his wife.

  “Do you remember my name yet?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry. So much has happened.”

  He cradled my head in his hand and brushed a thumb over my cheek. “It’s okay. I know. You’ve been through so much. I was starting to believe I would never reach you. I was so close to finding you so many times, but then you were gone, your light snuffed and another lit somewhere else in the world.”

  “How many lifetimes?” I asked.

  “Five with decades, even centuries between. I didn’t know where you went between each life, and so I wandered the astral plane, searching for word of you. There’s wisdom to be gained in death, hindsight that the living can never attain, and for that reason, it’s often the most useless wisdom of all. That’s the cruel jest of it, Diana. But I sought out the wisdom, learned the secrets of both the afterlife and the rebirth, and I knew I had a small window to find you before you disappeared again.”

  “I don’t understand. You waited for me?”

  He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. “Yes, my love. I waited for you. If both of us moved onto another life, the memory of our pact would have been lost to the ages. One of us had to stay behind. So I waited. I could sense your presence every time you were born, and I felt the dagger of loss every time you died. Each time born a witch, and each time murdered for what you are. And that’s how I knew how to find you. Fate put you on this strange path, and I only had to follow your tracks. First a witch of the water, drowned in your own element. Then a witch of the earth, beaten and buried alive. Next, a witch of the flame, burned as a public diversion. And lastly, a witch of the sky, the air stolen from your lungs by the hands of the one you trusted most. It’s a macabre recipe, but it’s the only one that can create a witch of the spirit. I learned the wisdom of the dead and found the pattern. All I had to do was wait until I felt your presence once more. And when I did, I began my search anew.”

  “And you found me,” I whispered, gratitude pulsing through every vein.

  “I did. And you, my love, opened the door, as I knew you would. Though you only peeked through, it was enough.”

  “Can I stay here?” I asked, looking around without knowing where “here” was in time or space.

  He exhaled, laughing gently with relief, and his turquoise eyes grew moist again. “Yes, Diana. You can. And I hope you will.”

  I nodded and he clutched me to his chest. I could hear his steady heartbeat, as alive as anything I’d ever experienced, despite the strange tale he wove. I steadied my breath, fighting off a nagging urge blooming.

  Just accept it, Diana. Don’t ask the question. Please don’t ask it. It doesn’t matter.

  But I asked it anyway. “Where is this, though?”

  “Does it matter?” he asked. “We’re together. Do you know how many strange realms and planes I crossed to find you?”

  “Is this real?” I asked.

  Why does that matter? Stop asking questions!

  “There’s no such thing as real, my love. What you think is reality is just another plane, like all the rest. Our love is the most real thing to me. It’s what drove me on through the darkness, after hope was lost again and again. Because even lost hope can be found, just as lost love can. Wherever we can be together, that is my reality.”

  I struggled to think about where I had just come from. Just as the memories from this life had formed, the others had disintegrated. But with effort, glimpses of Eastwind rebuilt slowly then gathered speed. “The attacks. The possessions.” I pushed away from him. “You did those. That was you I saw in Landon’s eyes.”

  “Yes,” he said, no sign of remorse to be found. “I couldn’t reach you until you’d passed through all the lives between us, and I knew it could be years before you did. I didn’t want to risk losing you again in the meantime. I needed you to revisit each of them, peeling back the layers of your soul until I could reach you, until you would recognize me.”

  “You visited me in my dreams.”

  He shook his head. “That wasn’t me as you see me standing before you. That was just your memory of me, pieces of our life together shining through the cracks once you opened the door and the layers of your lives began to fall away.” A chilly wind blew off the ocean, and he pulled me close to his body again. I was more than happy to fall into the embrace. “But I’m here with you now, Diana, and I’ll stay with you forever if you ask it of me.”

  “I already have.” And then it came to me. “Roland.”

  He nodded, but didn’t say a word. Maybe I would stay here, wherever this was. What I left behind, it was no match for this, for all the miles and lifetimes we’d traveled to be back in each other’s arms. We could have the love story that had been taken from us. Finally. Who cared how it happened?

  “But if it’s not real, couldn’t it end at any moment?” I asked. “And then I would go back.”

  Back? Wait, where was “back” again? I struggled to regain my grip on the memories. Eastwind. The diner. Franco’s Pizza.

  It was as if he could see the memories take shape in my eyes. “Your friends, they’ll move on to their next lives. It’s not as bad as you think. You don’t need to be there.”

  “You mean they’re still choking?” I tried to push away from him, but his strong ar
ms didn’t budge.

  “I’m afraid they are. Your friend will not release his spell over them.”

  “Unless?” I demanded. There had to be a way to fix this. The names started to return to me. Tanner. Donovan. Grim. Eva.

  “Unless you go back.”

  “Then I have to go back.”

  “Please,” he said, hardly more than a whisper. “I can’t lose you again.”

  “Then come with me,” I said. “Come out of the shadows.” I paused, remembering the hillside at Zilker Park. “I know how I can take you with me.”

  He allowed me to move away enough to stare down at me, but he didn’t say a word.

  “Cross over,” I insisted. “I’ll still be able to see you and speak with you.” I had so many questions to ask him, but I couldn’t linger here a second longer than I had to.

  “If I cross over, you won’t be able to touch me, and I won’t be able to touch you.”

  I felt my chest tighten. I took one of his warm hands in mine, pressing it to my cheek. Could I give this up? After so much time away, could I say goodbye to the feel of his skin against mine? The memories of our nights together came back in a flood, and I moaned, feeling suddenly lightheaded. I placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. “I can’t let them die, Roland.”

  He nodded sadly and placed a hand on mine, holding it to his chest. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

  “We can find a way,” I said. “I’m a necromancer in that world. If anyone can figure out how to bring you back completely, it’s me. I promise I will find a way, no matter how long it takes. If I have to read every book in Eastwind to learn the secret, I will. I promise.”

  I raised up onto my tiptoes, and he leaned down. Our lips met. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was a pledge. And Diana gave it freely.

  I gave it freely.

  I held out my hands. “Don’t let go.”

  He took my hands in his, then raised one to his lips and brushed a gentle kiss on the back. “I never will.”

  I gripped as tightly as I could, worried he might slip from my grasp, that I might lose him again, and then I closed my eyes and yanked him toward me …

  Chapter Fourteen

  I opened my eyes and the cacophony of Franco’s Pizza hit me like a slap.

  “Landon!” I shouted above the din. His eyes still contained the hint of green.

  I’d hoped that pulling Roland back with me would have done the trick, that he would be separate from Landon, simply another ghost that only a handful of people in Eastwind could see, and that would be that; the possession would be ended, and everyone would be back to breathing normally. But it hadn’t worked that way. Had I really been speaking to Roland’s spirit? Had any time passed while I was on that cliff by the ocean?

  There would be time to puzzle over it later. For now, I needed to clean up this mess.

  I breathed in deeply and drew the spirit—Roland—into me. Channeling him felt natural. I wanted so badly to step back, to let him take control, to surrender myself completely. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. But living that way could only last for so long. This town wouldn’t tolerate one of its only Fifth Winds remaining possessed, no matter how peaceful of a possession it might be. Roland would be exorcised, and then he would be lost, banished. And would I be able to call him back before I moved on to another life? Or would it be five more lifetimes before we could find each other again? Or perhaps we never would.

  I was the only one who could do this, to pull him free of me so gently so as not to send him beyond the veil where I may not be able to find him again, no matter how hard I summoned. I needed him to stay with me if I was going to keep my promise to him.

  So I kept him on the surface, his spirit like a blanket over mine until I could do what Ruby had taught me and not banish him, but expel him, ending the channeling, and setting him free into Eastwind.

  I’ll meet you, I promised.

  Where? he asked.

  I showed him. And then I untethered myself from him and could almost feel his hands, no longer warm, slipping from my grasp.

  And then he was gone.

  The people all around me began loudly sucking in air, desperately filling their lungs and making up for lost time.

  I looked around. Everyone seemed to have survived, and Landon blinked, his irises blue again as he looked around, undoubtedly grasping for memories that weren’t there, that he would never recover.

  I dropped to the floor next to where Tanner kneeled, hunched over and clutching at his throat as his body heaved. I’d almost lost him. How close had I come? His bloodshot eyes told of a close call.

  “Slowly,” I said. “Take it slow.”

  He nodded, staring intensely at the ceramic tile floor.

  “Thank God you’re okay,” I said, rubbing his back. The warmth of his body reminded me of where I’d just been. Who I’d just been with.

  And what I’d just promised.

  But was that me? Had I done that, or had it been someone else? The glow of it was already starting to fade. I was more Nora than Diana, wasn’t I? This was what was real. A promise made in another time, another place, possibly another realm couldn’t be binding here, could it?

  “Are you okay?” he gasped, and I nodded.

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  As he straightened, still on his knees, I crawled forward and threw my arms around him. I needed to say it, needed to feel his heart beating against me as I did. And he needed to hear it now. So I broke my own rule.

  I leaned in close, pressing my head against his chest, and he rested his chin on top. “I love you, Tanner.”

  He pulled back, a slight wheeze accompanying each inhale, and placed a crooked finger beneath my chin, gently raising my face up toward his. “Look at me,” he whispered. “You don’t have to say it yet.”

  “But I mean it. And every moment that slips by where I haven’t said it, where I know you might be wondering, breaks my heart. I’ve been stupidly putting it off, and I almost missed my chance completely. I love you, Tanner Culpepper. I was scared to say it, scared that once I did, it would only hurt more whenever it fell apart.”

  “It’s not going to fall apart, Nora. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

  And then, rather than saying, “wanna bet?” and coming clean about Donovan (there’d be time for that later), I did what I should have already been doing. I pushed him onto his back, climbed on top, and kissed the beautiful fool the way he deserved before Grim could recover enough to tell us to get a room.

  Tanner walked me home, and we paused on the porch at Ruby’s front door. I knew the steps to this dance, though I’d never performed them myself.

  We’d both said I love you. We were two adults in love. What came next was obvious. It required me inviting him inside, him following me upstairs, me kicking Grim out of the bedroom, obviously, and then the two of us finding non-verbal ways to express ourselves. Except I absolutely could not invite him up to my room. I may know the steps, but in that moment, I had two left feet.

  Or rather, two men. And one of them was already upstairs.

  I don’t know much about tango, but I know three’s a crowd.

  Unless …

  Nope. Not happening, Nora.

  “I think I need some rest,” I said. “It’s been a long day.” That part wasn’t a lie.

  “Okay,” he said, nodding. “We can just rest.” He stepped closer, gazing down at me as he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “I don’t know what happens next. I’ve never … You’re the first woman I’ve ever felt this way about.”

  What I should have said was, “Let’s go back to your place.” Problem solved. But the story I’m going to stick to is that my head wasn’t on straight after such an exhausting display of my powers. Instead, I said, “I don’t know either. Can we talk about it in the morning?”

  He whispered, “Sure, but I have to say it again.”

  I smiled. “Okay then.”

  He said the words and then k
issed me, and when the kiss ended, I said the words back.

  And I need you to understand that I meant them. I truly meant them. Because what happens next might make you doubt that.

  I opened the door, and he stepped forward to follow me in.

  “Oh,” I said, taken aback. “No, I, um. I thought you were just going to go home.”

  “Oh.” He blinked and nodded minutely. “Yeah, sure, I just figured you’d want me to come up. Not, you know, do anything. But maybe just to be with you.”

  In other circumstances, I would have taken him up on that offer, and I trusted that when Tanner said he wouldn’t push it, he would stick to his word, rather than trying to pressure me into anything.

  “I think I just need some space.”

  Oh yeah, it was the absolute worst way to say it. I just need some space? That’s what you tell someone you’re breaking up with, for fang’s sake!

  “I mean, not from you specifically,” I added hastily, “just in general.”

  “Ah,” he said, holding his hands in front of him and bowing slightly. “Makes perfect sense. The energy, right? You’re a little sensitive to it after the channeling?”

  Totally not the case, but sure. “Exactly. I just need to recharge.”

  “Right. Got it. Definitely not rejection. Noted.” He forced a smile and, slightly hunched, turned as he said, “See you at work in the morning.”

  “Tanner…”

  But he was already down the porch stairs and on his way back home.

  I closed the door with a sigh and headed to the bathroom to clean up before bed. After all, rolling around on the floor of Franco’s Pizza wasn’t much of a step up from rolling around on the floor of Sheehan’s Pub, which even Grim wouldn’t do.

  The magical shower washed away the grime on my body, cleansed my hair, and fixed my wrinkled clothing, but as I stared at myself in the mirror, I still felt covered in residue from the evening.

  The mystery was solved. I’d assured Stu Manchester of that when he arrived at the restaurant before Tanner and I had left. He seemed to believe me, but he did demand that I explain it to him more fully in the morning, once I’d gotten some rest.