Storm

by Mankin, Michelle

  Keeping my voice calm, although I raged inside, I said, “It’s not your fault.”

  That asshole was an idiot to fire her. Anyone having Lotus in any capacity and then losing her knew that.

  “You’re a great bartender. He’ll soon realize what he’s lost. Let’s try this again.” I scooted closer. My hip bumping hers, I draped one arm around her slender shoulders and drew her into me. “I want to hold you.”

  A shudder went through her at the strain of holding her hurt inside. I knew that strain. I’d been doing it for nine years by myself. She lasted for three heartbeats before she shifted and threw herself at me.

  “Oh, Lotus.” I scooped her into my arms and deposited her on my lap. My heartbeats steadied once I secured her. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  There was no thought of leaving anymore. Lotus was it for me—the end of the road, no more journeying. She’d probably been it for me back when we were kids, but I didn’t go there. We were here now together. It was finally going to be the way it always should have been.

  She didn’t speak, but her body shook.

  “Let it all out, babe. I can handle it. I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”

  I stroked her back, but for some reason she cried harder, so I held her tighter. While she worked through her emotions, I stared at the ocean like she had the other night, vowing to do whatever it took to make this and my wrongs right for her.

  “You can let go of me now,” she said, her voice raspy from her sobs.

  “I could, but I don’t want to.”

  I lifted her chin, not commenting on her ravaged expression. Instead, I captured and tucked strands of tear-dampened hair behind her ears. She shivered each time the pads of my rough fingers grazed the sensitive shell of her ears.

  “Why?” she asked, her red-rimmed eyes searching my determined ones. “Why don’t you want to?”

  “Because I care about you.” More than cared, but I couldn’t tell her that. Not yet. Not until I removed the lie between us.

  When she nodded and bit down on her lip, my cock lengthened beneath her delectable heart-shaped ass, but I ignored it. That task wasn’t as difficult as usual. I was dismayed by the new tears filling her eyes.

  “What’s wrong, babe? Did something else happen?”

  “Nothing new.” She licked her lips. “Just more trials and growing up, things the universe thinks I need to do.”

  “I think you’re already grown up. Beautifully, wonderfully, admirably so, in my opinion.”

  I cupped her jaw, swiping my thumb over her soft golden skin, and her lids fluttered. She seemed to crave my touch as much as I needed to touch her. That deep feeling in my chest blazed brighter and hotter.

  “You’re lying to be nice,” she said softly, not meeting my eyes. “I look terrible when I cry.”

  “I’m not referring to your red-rimmed eyes or your splotchy skin, or your outward beauty at all, though you’re far from not pretty when you cry.” I brushed my thumb across her skin again.

  “What is it then?”

  “It’s what you’ve done with the adversity in your life that’s beautiful.”

  One slight shoulder lifted. “I just did what I had to do.”

  “I think there’s more. Like those planters and the gifts you create, you’ve repurposed every painful event. You lost your mother, but you found a friend. You lost one friend, and you found another. Your brother’s accident cost him his dreams and you yours, but you didn’t stop dreaming. You just modified your dream, and eventually, he modified his. You lead by example, refusing to let anything stand in the way of you making the best life you can for yourself and the people you care about. Beautiful. Wonderful. Admirable. Right?”

  “Journey, wow. I—”

  “Don’t discount what I just said.”

  “Okay.”

  “Being fired sucks. It makes you feel bad. But it’s what you do with those bad feelings that’s important.”

  “What should I do?” Her tears drying up, she focused intently on me. No matter my name, she still seemed to think my advice was valuable.

  “It’s best not to hold on to pain,” I told her, even though I had. I’d let it remake me into the harsh, lonely person I’d become before she stepped back into my life again. “Best to wish those who hurt us healing, not pain. The path to them finding that healing is ultimately up to them. The path for me and you transforming our own pain is to set it free.”

  “You’re right.” She nodded, her expression firm, and I admired her. When had she ever backed down from any challenge?

  “You said the ocean is infinite and unchanging,” I said. “I think it can handle your hurt and mine if we release them to it.”

  Giving me a curious look, she said, “What did you have in mind?”

  I captured her hands and brought them to my lips. “I’ll breathe mine into your hands, and you can release them for me. Then you can breathe yours into my hands, and I’ll release them for you. We’ll set it all free right now. The wind seems to want to carry everything far out to sea tonight.”

  “Like the bad stuff is seeds? But I need to let them go, not for them to grow, but for me to?”

  “Yes, exactly.” I glanced up at her through my lashes, realizing that I needed this cathartic process as much as she did.

  “That’s more like a pruning.” She withdrew her hands and climbed off my lap. “I can’t do that right now. I feel too vulnerable, and my hurts are too fresh.”

  Standing just beyond my reach, she returned her gaze to the churning ocean.

  “Maybe another time then,” I said, but I was disappointed. It almost seemed like she knew that I wanted her to do this, hoping she could find a way to let go of the hurt I’d caused her. “I’ll wait to do mine until you’re ready. Seeds, pruning, whatever you’d like to call it, I have a few things I need to cast away too.”

  “Things with your estranged parents?”

  “Yes.” And my brothers, but mainly my disappointment with myself for failing Lotus.

  I bumped her shoulder with mine like I’d done when we were kids, but unlike then, she didn’t smile. She only looked sadder.

  “What can I do to make things better for you?” I asked softly.

  “Take me home.”

  “I can do that. I drove the Scout here.” I swiveled around, put my feet on the sidewalk, and stood.

  “Oh, right. Your errand.” Moving to walk beside me, she gave me a long glance. “Did everything go well?”

  “Yes, it did, actually. Better than I expected.” I stopped at the passenger door of the Scout and opened it for her.

  “That’s good,” she said and climbed in.

  I closed the door and rounded the hood. Lotus watched me like she usually did, but when I got in, she moved something out of her seat and quickly glanced away. Seeing what it was—my mom’s purse—I fumbled as I tried to get the key in the ignition.

  “You don’t owe me an explanation,” Lotus whispered, her gaze straight ahead.

  I did. I so owed her one, but we had our agreement. Even if we didn’t, with her how sad she was right now, this wasn’t the right time to tell her. That would make tonight about me, and right now, I needed to put the focus on Lotus, get her back to herself.

  I folded my forearms over the steering wheel and let out a sigh. “It’s not what you think.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.” She turned to look at me and held my gaze. “But if you’re ready to move on, or if you feel like you need to leave, just tell me straight out, okay? No matter what happens, I won’t try to tie you down if you don’t want to stay.”

  I didn’t want to leave, but there was a possibility if I didn’t play this right that she would want me to go. “That purse belongs to Saber’s mom.” I had one secret I was obligated to keep, and I didn’t want to add any more to it.

  “Oh.” Lotus’s eyes widened. “Saber was with you tonight. I had a lot on my mind and forgot that part. Is she okay?”
/>
  “She left my . . . her husband tonight.”

  “Graham is controlling and borderline abusive to her.” Lotus’s eyes narrowed. “He treated my friend Storm the way he treats her. He’s awful to his entire family. Trying to force them to conform to his will, he only set himself up to lose all of them in the end.”

  “Yes, you’re right,” I said, then cleared my throat.

  Lotus was exactly right. Why hadn’t I seen it? Back in the past, I was too young and caught up in my own shit.

  “She’s filing for divorce but is staying with Saber and Shield until she gets stuff straightened out.”

  “That’s a good place for her to be, with her sons. She loves them. All of them. She always has.” Lotus stared at me a long beat, like she wanted to allow time for her words to sink in. “She just couldn’t always show how she felt because of her husband.”

  “Ex-husband.”

  “Yeah. She tried for a long time to make it work, but sometimes the best option is leaving, not staying. Sadly, we don’t always heed the warnings up front like we should.” Her expression darkened. “Do you need to drop her purse off before you take me home?”

  “No. I’ll get it to her in the morning. I want you squared away tonight. You’re my priority.”

  I heard Lotus’s indrawn breath as I swiveled, laid my arm over the back of the bench seat, and backed out. I also felt her gaze on me. It was intense, like she was trying to strip all the layers away to what motivated the man underneath.

  I wanted to tell her she was my motivation, but she deserved actions, not just words. From here on out, I would show her in every way I could think of that she was it for me. When I told her the truth, I wanted her to know that I truly meant what I said. That I was here, that I was staying, that I was becoming a better person . . . for her.

  There was little vehicular traffic on Newport, and only a few pedestrians on the sidewalks. The weather seemed to be keeping everyone indoors.

  At the stoplight at the top of the hill, I turned right onto Sunset Cliffs Boulevard. After a short drive, I took another right on her street, our street.

  Fuck, I like the sound of that.

  Killing the engine, I got out, jogged around the hood, and let her out. She had my mom’s purse and handed it to me. Wrapping my free arm around Lotus’s shoulders, I escorted her up the stairs and to her door.

  “I’m good,” she said. “You can go. You don’t have to stay.”

  “I want to stay.” I ran my knuckles down her cheek, the word love tattooed on that hand.

  I was ready to acknowledge that it was Lotus I’d thought of when I had it done. She was the one who showed me what love could potentially be. She’d given me copious amounts of it, and her belief in me had given me the guts to pursue my dream. Now it was my turn to show and give her those things.

  “Can I come inside?” I asked when she had the door unlocked and open.

  “You were . . . you’re always welcome to be where I am,” she said somberly, her pretty eyes bright as she lifted her chin to look at me.

  “That means a lot to me.” Reaching for her hand, I squeezed it.

  “Why are you home so early?” Cork asked from where he was sprawled out on the same scratchy green couch I remembered from our youth.

  “I got fired,” Lotus said.

  “Fu—I mean, shit.”

  “Yeah, it sucks.” She exhaled and her shoulders fell. “I can’t ask Macari for a reference, but I’ll ask Ash for one and start looking for a new job tomorrow.”

  Her mentioning Ash gave me an idea. I made a mental note to talk to him about it.

  “Tonight, I just want to put up my feet, be totally lazy, and forget about all the rest.”

  “Why don’t you let us take care of you for a change,” I said, steering her toward the couch.

  “I don’t know.”

  “That’s a great idea,” Cork said, scrambling off the couch. “We’ll make you dinner.”

  I nodded approvingly at him and laid Mom’s purse on the old coffee table.

  When Lotus sat on the couch, I lifted her legs, placing her feet on the coffee table the way we’d done when watching cartoons in the old days, then slipped off her flip-flops. Dropping them on the floor, I caressed the arches of her feet before releasing them.

  “What are you in the mood for, babe?”

  “Honestly?” She gave me a grin. “Grilled cheese sandwich, a side of mac and cheese, and a big glass of milk.”

  “Dairy overload. You’ve got it.” Straightening, I turned to Cork. “Do you have that stuff in the kitchen, or should I run to the store?”

  “We have it,” he said.

  I figured they did. Those things had been Lotus’s go-to comfort food since I first knew her.

  There was barely room for Cork and me inside the small kitchen, but we managed it. I certainly liked the company, and that I could see my favorite person in the world through the cutout over the bar.

  I put water on to boil and poured the pasta in from the box when it started to roll. Then I gave Cork the job of monitoring the clock. I’d just laid out the ingredients for a grilled cheese when my cell rang. Digging it from my pocket, I saw it was Saber calling, and answered it.

  “Hello,” I said, propping the phone between my shoulder and ear.

  “Mom’s missing her purse. Do you have it?”

  “Yeah. Sorry, I should have called to tell you. Lotus found it when I picked her up. We have it here at her apartment.”

  “She okay?” he asked, his tone telling me that he knew she’d been fired.

  “Trying to get her there.”

  “You will.” He let out a long breath. “I never stood a chance with you back here. She’s always been yours.”

  I froze, noting Lotus’s gaze on me. “I appreciate you saying that.”

  If I were in Saber’s place, I wouldn’t bow out, no matter who stood in my way. I’d be doing everything in my power to make her mine. Actually, wasn’t that the primary motivation for me returning to OB in the first place?

  Swiping my hair out of my eyes, I said low, “But I can’t really talk about this right now.”

  “Right. You’re with her.”

  “Yes, I am.” In every way I could be.

  “So I need you to just listen.”

  “Saber, can’t this wait until morning?”

  I managed to butter the bread, placing it in a nonstick pan while pasting on a casual expression for Lotus’s benefit. But this wasn’t at all a casual conversation.

  “Nope, it can’t wait. You need to know I’m glad you’re back, and Mom is too. We thought we’d never see you again. She’s been jabbering my ear off making plans. I haven’t told Shield yet because . . .” Another long exhale came over the line. “Brother, I gotta hear it from you. Promise me that you’re staying for good.”

  “I am. I promise.”

  “Then I believe you. We made mistakes. Mom. Me. Shield was too little, and he has, well, that’s his to share, but I want you to know from me, for what it’s worth, that I’m sorry I didn’t step up more between you and the old man. I hated the way he treated you. You’re my brother.”

  The phone went silent for a moment, and I waited, giving him time.

  When Saber spoke again, his voice was rougher. “You will always be my brother. We’re family, no matter what. You hear me?”

  “I hear you, and it’s worth a fuck of a lot you saying that.” My voice was rough too, and my vision blurry. But I somehow flipped over the grilled cheese before it burned.

  “Last thing then, before I let you go. About Lotus.”

  I plated the grilled cheese and flipped off the heat on the stove before he spoke again.

  “Don’t fuck it up with her like I did.”

  “Not planning to.”

  The timer went off for the pasta. I flipped off that burner too and spun around to look for a colander, but Cork already had one. He handed it to me, his gaze intense. Knowing my secret and standing so c
lose, I think he heard, put all the pieces together, and got how significant this conversation was.

  “Don’t hold her too tightly like I did, like Dad did with Mom. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and with it, I see that you can’t force someone into a corner, force them to do what you want. You can’t make someone return your love the way you want them to.”

  “I know that.”

  “I’ll bet you do. You were in our house long enough to see Dad strangle the love he and Mom once had at the beginning. You leaving and him forbidding her to contact you was the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. All that remained after that was all his fucking bullshit and rules.”

  “I didn’t know. I thought it would get better for everyone me being gone.” My gut churned. “That sucks.”

  “We all had our own shit then,” Saber said, “and we have our own stuff now to sort out in the aftermath. You have Lotus to help you with that. I don’t think she’s ever forgotten you. Tricky situation with who you really are a secret between you. I don’t think you can rely on your shared past after keeping silent this long.”

  Probably true, but I hoped he was wrong. Surely, things could work with Lotus and me. I had to believe that.

  Saber sighed. “I know she’s right there within reach, and you want to grab and hold her tightly like I did, but don’t make that mistake. Don’t tell her, don’t force her. Give her the freedom to choose you.”

  I could almost hear the words he wanted to say but didn’t. Or I might lose her for good.

  “I know what I need to do,” I said softly. I knew Lotus, and I hoped that would be enough.

  “Good luck,” he said. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Lotus

  THE TELEVISION BLARED, playing some reality show I wasn’t interested in as Storm sat beside me on the couch.

  Storm. Not Journey. I could hardly believe it.

  His long muscular legs were stretched out on the coffee table next to mine. He had a grilled cheese sandwich on a plate of his own on his lap, and we’d split the mac and cheese.

  Cork had made himself scarce, hanging out on his day bed in the bedroom with the door closed. Before he’d gone back, he made it known that he was retiring for the evening, and that if he needed us in the morning, he would find us.