Until The Last Star Fades

by Jacquelyn Middleton

  Riley and sweets—I’ve never seen someone so happy. Ben watched behind his sunglasses, her spoon about to dig in again. Two weeks in and she’s still here. I’m still here, haven’t bolted or ghosted—that’s a first. Riles, what have you done to me? Leaning in, Ben kissed her forehead. “Who’d have thought, eh? A fortnight of dirty sex and getting sozzled.”

  A wistfulness tainted her grin. “I wish! I’ve missed you, Ben.”

  Taking in her sundress and her long hair tied in a loose ponytail, his smile wilted. “Work’s a bugger for keeping us apart, and so are our flatmates for being home. Two quickies in two weeks?”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I’m frustrated, too.”

  “If only one of us had a bedroom…or a car, somewhere private.”

  Riley kissed him and laid her head on his shoulder, his Duran Duran t-shirt slightly damp. “There’s always public restrooms…”

  Wha—really? “Riles…?”

  The rise in Ben’s voice made Riley lift her head. “Well, needs must, right?” She sucked on her spoon. “And it checks dirty sex off that list—”

  “I’m always up for that!”

  “I bet you are!” Riley laughed, catching his naughty grin. “Oh! You’re not joking? You’ve had restroom sex?”

  “Ohhh yeah—several times.” His eyes curved into cheeky crescents. “Haven’t you?”

  “No, but I’ve done it on a boat.”

  “Really?! Blimey, the Staten Island Ferry?”

  “No!” She giggled. “At Josh’s family cottage, upstate. We did it in the water, too.”

  “Ahh, mermaid sex? Yeah, that’s hot.” He leaned in and growled in her ear. “God, what I wouldn’t do right now to slip you out of your wet bikini bottoms and take you in the sand.”

  Her eyes widened. “You’re really not helping.”

  “The beach…California, yeah? One day.” Leaving a kiss in her hair, he sat back, picking up the napkin-wrapped brownie from his thigh. He crossed his legs, hiding the growing ridge in his jeans. Aw, mate, don’t start what you can’t finish.

  “One day, yeah.” She smiled coquettishly, her gaze sweeping his crotch before returning to her spoon. “That’s it for me, though. No other exotic locales to speak of, just a bedroom at a house party, in a closet—once. Oh, a pool table, but that was in my first boyfriend’s basement. How ’bout you? Ever gone beyond the restroom?” She laughed.

  “Oh, a few places.”

  “Like?” She licked chocolate off her thumb.

  Ahh, Riles, what you’re doing to me! “You don’t want to know.”

  “Yeah, I do.” She leaned in. “You started it!”

  “Er, ooo-kay. Well…on the train from Windsor to London, in a TopMan changing room, an alley behind a pub—or two.” He caught her arched eyebrows. “All right, more than two.” Okay, time to shut this down. He nibbled his brownie and watched sweaty New Yorkers wilting in the shop’s long line. “You know, just horny teenage stuff.”

  Riley bit her lip. “I lost my virginity in a backyard shed. There was a weird garden gnome staring at us the whole time.”

  “Ugh. I lost mine on a playground slide.”

  “Seriously? With your clumsy balance?” She laughed. “Where else have you done it?”

  I like how she’s not judgy or embarrassed. He set down his brownie. “A stairwell at uni, in a tent at a music festival, backstage at a theater—in my Tempest costume—”

  “Ooh, did you finish with a standing O?”

  He chuckled. “Nearly went all the way on the top deck of a London bus. Oh, yeah, at the Imperial War Museum—”

  “A war museum? Not sexy!”

  “When the urge arises…” Ben sighed and shifted again on the bench. “Ahh, Hope, too bad there’s no restroom here.”

  Riley dug her spoon into her cup of peanut butter joy and left it there. Her shoulders deflated, disappointment in her eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to work tonight. It’s been six nights in a row.”

  “I know, it sucks.” Ben put his arm around her and left a kiss on her temple. I know she wants me to call her my girlfriend, and I want to, but I can’t…not yet. Being emotionally attached, relied upon for more than shits and giggles—it’s so new. I need to get used to it. I want to get used to it. He kissed her again. “At least we have thirty minutes together before I have to head in, eh? And I’ll call you on my break.”

  “I still feel bad about Thursday.”

  “I feel bad about you getting told off.” Ben picked up his brownie again. “I shouldn’t have dropped in on you. You can’t blame your boss.”

  “No, but I can blame the new girl in skincare and her loitering boyfriend. Now, none of us can have visitors.”

  “Well, if you stopped in the diner mid-shift, I’d have to ignore you, too. It’s tourist bloody central. Fuck, it’s nuts, and I reckon it’ll get more bonkers as summer rolls on.” He gnawed the brownie’s edge. “But they’ll have to make do without me on July 27th…”

  Riley’s eyes brightened. “You…?!”

  “Yep, got it off.”

  “YES!” Riley dove in for a kiss, sending her spoon falling to the sidewalk.

  Ben held her close before pulling back slightly, his lips brushing hers. “Happy early birthday,” he whispered and kissed her again.

  “When did you find out?”

  “Last night.” Smiling, he tilted forward, pulling an extra plastic spoon from his back pocket, handing it to her. “So, I’ve got two weeks to work my magic! Come on, then, what would Ms. Hope like most for her birthday?”

  She sucked in her bottom lip, her face reddening.

  She’s gonna cry. Oh, Fagan, what are you like! Ben’s heart ached. He dropped his brownie on the napkin surfing his lap. “Aw, Riley.” He pulled her in. “I’m sorry! Stupid question.”

  “No, it’s not—”

  “It is—what you want most, I can’t give you…”

  Her shuddering breath warmed his neck. “It’s just…Mom hasn’t been feeling great, and birthdays always make me think…”

  “Think…?” He gently stroked her hair.

  “What will they be like if…?” A sob stuck in her throat. “M-My mind keeps going there.”

  “Yeah, I did that when Mum was in hospital”—Ben kissed the top of her head—“I would play this awful game of ‘what if’: What if she got sicker? What if Mum didn’t make it to my birthday?”

  Riley nodded, understanding in her tearful eyes.

  “I’d get so angry and upset—sometimes, so upset, I’d throw up, and then I’d feel even worse—guilty like, for not being positive and hopeful…almost like I was letting her down.”

  “Exactly.” Riley wiped her cheek.

  “One time, I was crying by the elevators and a male nurse came over.” Ben rubbed his nose. “God, nurses are so underrated. He sat me down, bought chocolate buttons and milk, and let me ramble. He said, ‘That’s completely normal, son. It’s anticipatory grief.’ That was a bit of a mouthful for a twelve-year-old, so he broke it down, said I was grieving for the potential loss of my mum and my life as I knew it, but those thoughts didn’t mean I was giving up on her and he said I shouldn’t feel guilty about them. Amazing, eh? He saw this wee kid in bits and took a half-hour to sit down with me. I felt understood. I still had moments of ‘what if’, but I wasn’t so hard on myself for having them anymore.” Ben lifted his sunglasses to the top of his head, the plastic frames sweeping his hair back from his face. “Riles, you’re grieving, fearing for your mom and the life you share.” He brushed a loose wisp of hair from her eyes. “You are allowed to feel this way, and when you do, remember you’re not alone, okay? I’m here for you, and so are Piper and Casey—and Maggie. From what you’ve told me, if anyone can beat this thing, it’s her.”

  A tear slipped down her cheek as she shifted, finding the sweet spot in the nook of Ben’s neck. “Thank you.” She sniffed. “You just being here, holding me, makes me feel less sad.”

  Ben gave h
er a squeeze. “I’m guessing Maggie really celebrates your birthday big?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, but not this year. Her last chemo treatment is that morning.”

  “Oh, really? That’s a huge deal, yeah?”

  “Yeah. I’d like to mark the occasion for her, but from past experience, I know she won’t want a fuss.” Riley sat back and looked at her spoon. “She’ll be tired after being prodded and poked, so drinks and lots of people around are out, but that’s the thing—she’ll still want to throw some over-the-top birthday thing for me. I don’t want her to overdo it, staying up late, but there’s no telling her. When her mind’s set…”

  This is what you can give her—give them both. A soft grin tweaked his cheeks. “Well, I could organize something for you and Maggie that afternoon if you’d like?”

  “Oh, Ben! That’s really sweet, but you don’t have to—”

  “I know, but I want to. I mean, if Maggie’s okay having me ’round after her treatment?”

  “Of course! But you’d have to come out to Staten Island, take the ferry…”

  “Ooh, Riles—you inviting me for a sexy boat ride?!” He raised an eyebrow. “You filthy minx.”

  Riley laughed. “That’s me!”

  He grinned. “So, who should I invite to your party?”

  “Keep it small, Piper and Casey. I wanna cheer Pip up—she’s been bummed ever since Cicely moved to London. You can skip Erika. She’s in full-on wedding mode—oh! I knew there was something I meant to tell you: she invited you, right after I told her about us.”

  “Aw! Was she happy?” Ben’s eyebrows rose gleefully.

  Riley scratched her nose. “Um, yeah…”

  She’s fibbing. “Erika doesn’t think I’m good enough for you.”

  “What?” She squinted. “Nooo!”

  “You saw the look she gave me when we arrived at her party.”

  “No, I didn’t—”

  “Riley! C’mon, Erika’s face gives everything away. She’d be shite at poker.” He frowned at his sneakers. “Is it because I’m a waiter? Because of Leia? My clothes?” He looked at Riley quizzically. “I’ve always been nice to her—”

  “It’s because you’re not Josh.” Riley huffed.

  “Oh. Well, thank Christ for that.” His chuckle gave way to a concerned squint. “But why is that a bad thing? Doesn’t she want you to be happy?”

  “No, she does, it’s just…Erika didn’t want anything to change. If I married Josh and became a hockey wife like her, all the things she and I had in common the past three years would still be there. Josh and me breaking up meant I’ve broken that bond with her. I’m moving on and I think she’s having a hard time with it.”

  “But you went to high school together. You’ve got other things in common, right?”

  “I don’t know if we do, to be honest…” Riley shrugged. “Not anymore.”

  “Aw, that’s a shame.” He pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. “Well, see how things are after the wedding and take it from there? Maybe it’s wedding stress making her weird?”

  “God, I’m dreading going.”

  “Why? Because of Leia?”

  Riley nodded slowly. “Not only her, but yeah.”

  “Hope, you have to talk to her sometime—you’re both bridesmaids.”

  “Not by choice. Leia and I have never been close, so why start now? Especially now.” Staring at her cookie dough, Riley retreated into silence.

  This is my fault. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, change the subject. Ben kissed her forehead again. “Sooo…birthday plans. Do you want me to order in or play Jamie Oliver? Jamie’s not a stretch—he’s dyslexic.”

  Riley’s expression perked up. “Really? But he can cook!” She snickered. “Could we order in? Is that okay? It would feel like a treat.”

  “Fine by me. I’ll get whatever you want: pizza, wings, burritos…?”

  “Burritos…and cake?”

  “Hell yeah! Can’t break the Hope family’s nonnegotiable birthday rules.” He bit into his brownie and squeezed her closer.

  Forty-Seven

  Two weeks later

  A cutting from a Gerbera daisy stalk pinged across Maggie’s kitchen. “Well, that’s a work of art—not!” Piper snickered and wielded the pair of scissors again, poised to attack another stem.

  Bollocks, it’s lopsided. Ben slapped another spoonful of cream cheese frosting on top of his two-layer birthday cake. “What are you saying? Blokes can’t bake?”

  “No, just you.” SNIP! Another slice of stem shot across the counter, landing somewhere in Ben’s perilous stack of dirty dishes. “In the past month, I’ve seen you make toast, cereal, and peanut butter sandwiches—you cook like a twelve-year-old boy.”

  “Says the lass who lives on Chef Boyardee.” Taking his time, he smoothed the frosting across the cake. “Granted, it’s not the prettiest cake, but it’ll be a nice surprise.”

  “Oh, it’ll surprise her all right! It looks nothing like Maggie’s cakes.”

  “It’s Maggie’s red velvet recipe.”

  She scrunched up her nose. “It is?”

  “Careful, Pip, your face might stay that way.” He leaned across the counter, checking his phone. “What time did Maggie say they’d be back?”

  “Around four.”

  “We better get our asses in gear, otherwise Maggie will catch us in the act and try to help. When you’re done with the flowers, can you hang the sign and then fill the chip bowls?”

  “Yup.” Piper adjusted the burst of blooms in a tall vase. “Thanks for suggesting Gerberas. I had no idea smelly flowers might make Maggie queasy.”

  “Yeah, Gerberas tick all the boxes—no scent and they’re gorgeous. I hope Maggie’s all right. The last treatment is always a strange one. My mum was glad it was over, but felt too tired and sick to celebrate.”

  “Riley said your mom had a tough time, years back?”

  Ben leaned away to admire his handiwork. “Yeah, but find a cancer patient who doesn’t.”

  Piper frowned and transferred the vase of flowers for Maggie to the small table in the living/dining room where they joined a stack of board games and Ben’s pot of forget-me-nots, Riley’s favorite. She picked up the large HAPPY BIRTHDAY RILEY cutout, lovingly crafted from yellow construction paper. “How cute is this?! It must’ve taken Maggie forever to cut out the letters. Rye’s shown me photos of her kiddie birthday parties. Friends come and go, but this thing was always there!”

  “Tada!” Ben lurked behind her shoulder, a plate with his gooey cake proudly in his hands. “Icing hides a multitude of baking sins.”

  “Hey, I’ll never tell,” said Piper with a wink. “I know I’ve been teasing you the whole time, but if a dude baked a cake for me, I’d be blowing more than just his candles.” She stepped onto a small stool, the birthday sign and its ties dangling from her hands. “I’d say you’re getting lucky tonight. Good thing I’m staying at Casey’s.”

  “Yeah, thanks for that!” He did a double take, catching a flicker of sadness cross Piper’s face. “I’m sorry you and Cicely split.”

  “I really liked her, but doing long-distance…” She shook her head. “That’s what sucks about graduating and finding jobs. Everyone scatters.”

  “It’s your turn next.”

  Piper tacked one end of the sign above the entrance to the kitchen. “Yeah.” Her shoulders slumped slightly. “That’s what I’m most sad about. I miss Cicely, but it’s not like how I’m gonna miss Rye. Four years together, almost every day…she’s my heart.”

  “Riley will miss you, too.” Ben set the cake on the table. “Pip, you know her best. Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’ve been online, trying to read everything I can about depression but…what can I do to help her? I just want her to feel safe, you know? Understood and supported.”

  “Well, just keep doing what you’re doing—be there for her, and don’t try to solve it with a quick fix.
”

  “But that’s it—I just want to fix it so badly.”

  “But you can’t, Ben.” She pushed a tack into the string on the right side of the sign. “I don’t mean to sound like a textbook, but we learned about this in class. Depression ebbs and flows. Every day is different. Every person is different. Be patient and take your cues from her. If she seems distant or lost, ask what she needs and go from there. Depression can be really isolating. No one should have to struggle alone.” She hopped off the stool and popped her gum. “Just the fact that you’re asking makes you a superstar in my book. So many people think the depressed person just needs to snap out of it, you know? Cheer up and smile more, go exercise, and stop eating crap, like that will solve everything, but that’s bullshit! That’s why people like Riley end up with smiling depression in the first place—the stigma doesn’t allow them to be themselves.”

  “I want to do everything I can for her. Riley’s the first girl I’ve—” He caught himself. “Really been into.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Piper patted his arm. “I hate to say it, Ben, but you’re not that great an actor!”

  It’s the cutest thing ever! Sitting on the floor, Riley leaned into Ben as he closed the clasp on her bracelet. On her wrist, a small silver puffin charm dangled from a delicate chain. “Cake AND puffins!” Ben is just… Her heart pounded, refusing to slow down. It’s happening—I’m falling for him. Her eyes left the bracelet, finding Ben gazing at her. And maybe…he might be falling, too? She smiled warmly and kissed him then turned to her mom, who was curled up beside Piper on the sofa. “Isn’t this gorgeous?”

  “It’s adorable, sweetheart,” said Maggie, cutting into her slice of birthday cake. “So perfect—you did good, Ben!”

  Still grinning, he glanced back at Riley.

  “I’ve always meant to ask.” Piper swallowed the last bite of her butter chicken burrito. “Why puffins, Rye?”

  “Well, like me, they love cliffs, rocks, swimming, and islands. And they look like clown birds—”

  “You hate clowns,” said late-arrival Casey, sitting down with his plateful of cake.

  Riley laughed. “I know, but puffins are cute, and they look happy all the time.”