He's right. I do have dinner with her most weeknights, and I've used this as an excuse many times to avoid social events. "We're all each other has," I explain with a shrug. "She gave up her whole life for me. I'm the reason they got divorced - my parents I mean - the least I can do is have dinner with her."
"We have that in common then," Sam replies quietly after a pregnant pause. I turn to him, perplexed, which he notices when he peeks over at me. "My dad left because of me, too."
I shake my head. "No, I mean it literally. I'm the only reason they broke up. It was completely my fault... she was on my side, he wasn't. She gave up her career, her home, her marriage, all of it, just to get me the fuck out of there."
Sam stops at another red light and turns his whole body toward me. He licks his bottom lip, distracting me. He has fascinating lips. Full. Pink. I blink a few times to stop myself from thinking such things about someone who is supposed to be my friend.
"The last time my dad hit my mom, he broke her nose. I was thirteen. Big for my age. For the first time, I hit him back. A lot. And then I told him to pack his shit and to leave, and if he ever came back the whole town would know what a piece of shit he was, including the cops." Sam's voice is deathly quiet. "So yeah, he left because of me. I'm the reason they got divorced."
I swallow nervously. I'm struck by Sam's confession that his father was physically abusive to his mom. Elaine seems so normal, so put together. I would never have pegged her for a victim. It also kind of explains a little more about Bits. Her seeking out an older guy to date, and her extreme reaction when he abandoned her. God, it all must have been so hard on her. And on Sam, too. I wonder how many times he had to witness his own father hurt his mom, and he was only a child.
"I'm so sorry," I murmur.
Sam shakes his head. "Don't be. We're better off without him," he echoes my own words back to me.
I nod. I'm still reeling from the fact that Sam is confiding in me. I've spent so much time feeling like I was a burden to him, and wondering what it is that he's getting out of this friendship at all. Like when he told me about Bits, this confession about his father gives me a chance to be there for him. To give back to him.
"Can I ask you something, Ror?" he asks quietly. I look at him warily, but nod. "Did your dad... hurt you?"
I take a deep breath and shake my head. "Not in the way you're thinking."
"How then?"
I'm silent for a few moments. The car is in park, in the middle of the street, empty at night on a weekday. "He didn't protect me. He didn't help me. He blamed me..."
"Didn't protect you from who, Rory? Blamed you for what?"
I glare at Sam. I don't know how we got here. He knows so much, but he also knows nothing at all, and I'm not sure I want him to know. Once he does, he'll look at me differently, that's a fact. So what if he's already deduced that I'm a victim of something? He probably thinks someone hit me, like his dad did to his mom. And I think it'd be best to let him think that.
"Calculus," I whisper, aware that my eyes have welled up. Sam looks hurt, and I don't know if he's upset that I still won't confide in him or upset for me.
Suddenly the sound of a car horn blares from behind us. The light has turned green and we hadn't noticed. Wordlessly, Sam shifts gears and resumes driving me home.
When he pulls up in front of my house, the front door is open and my mother is standing in the open doorway. She may trust Sam to drive me home, but she isn't going to give him time alone with me in a parked car, that's for sure. Sam stops me before I open the passenger door.
"I'm sorry, Rory. I don't mean to pry, I just... You know you can talk to me right? If you want to, I mean. You can tell me anything, I won't repeat it, I swear. I just want to be here for you, okay? I care about you."
He's staring at me intently as I process his words. They've surprised me, and I don't know why, because I think I already know them to be true. The thing is, I have talked to him. I do talk to him. More than anyone else who isn't my mother or isn't paid to listen to me. And I know I can trust him; I know he hasn't repeated anything I've told him. I know this without him having had to tell me.
I think it's hearing him say he cares about me that's gotten to me. I remember hearing Robin say those same words. I remember wondering exactly what they meant, and believing them simply because he'd spoken them. I'd believed a lot of things simply because Robin said them, not only about his feelings, but about my own. But I'm not the same naive girl I was a year ago. Not even close.
And yet with Sam, the words seem extraneous. His actions have already proven that he cares about me - that he's a good friend. And I realize that I care about him, too. Very much.
"I know," I finally whisper.
Sam nods once and then I follow his gaze behind me where my mother is waving from the doorway, obviously wondering what's holding us up. Before I know what's happening, Sam has gotten out of the car and walked around to open the passenger door for me. I climb out and am about to tell him goodnight when he starts leading me up the walkway to my house.
"What are you doing?" I breathe.
Sam smiles wryly. "Walking you to your door, of course. You got to meet my mom..."
Oh, Jesus.
Sam holds out his hand to my mother and introduces himself.
"Hi, Mrs. Pine. I'm Sam Caplan, Rory's friend, it's nice to meet you," he says politely. I roll my eyes at his formality.
"Oh, hi. It's Ms. Pine, but you can call me Amy anyway," she replies. She seems a little flustered and I narrow my eyes at her. If I'm not mistaken... is my mother blushing? I look back at Sam and allow myself to really take him in. He really is gorgeous. His midnight blues sparkle in the dim evening light, that incredible dimple ever present with his charming smile. Okay, fine, I don't blame her.
"I hope you consider letting Rory come with us on Spring Break," he says, and I throw him a death glare. I haven't even brought this up to my mother yet. My mom's eyebrows practically shoot into her hairline and she turns her gaze on me. Great, here goes nothing...
"I'd be going with Carl and Tina. Sam and his friends are just going too," I explain. My mom doesn't say anything, I can see her turning this over in her head and imagining all of the awful things that could happen, none of them any more awful than the things that have already happened.
"My uncle works in hospitality. He's getting us a great deal on the hotel. Flight too. It'd be no trouble to include Rory," Sam offers, but my mother is glaring at him with hostility, any effect of his charm having been obliterated by her concern for her daughter. Sam's smile falters. "She'll be fine. I'll look out for her. I, uh, won't let anything happen," he murmurs, his voice turning hesitant.
My mother's eyes narrow. "With all due respect, Sam, the last boy who made such promises to my daughter wasn't exactly sincere," she says sternly.
"Mom!" I admonish. "Can we talk about this later?" I hiss. My tone says it all. What the hell is she doing referencing Robin to Sam? She doesn't know he knows anything at all, and really, he doesn't.
The house phone rings and I'm grateful for the interruption.
"Can you grab that, Aurora?" My mother asks, more a directive than a question. I huff and turn to head back to the kitchen where the nearest land line phone is.
"Don't fucking call me that," I mumble under my breath.
"Rory!" my mother chides.
"Sorry," I grumble.
It's my mom's friend, Karen, who's coming to visit tomorrow. She's a talker, and she keeps me on the phone for nearly ten minutes despite my attempts to blow her off. After finally telling her I'd have my mother call her back, she lets me go. I'm surprised when I go to head upstairs and find Sam and my mom still in the small front hall, talking. I shoot them both a confused look and my mother excuses herself.
"What was that about?" I ask Sam.
He shrugs. "I was just trying to soften her up about Miami."
I laugh. "Good luck with that."
"I'll pick you up at 8:10."
"Okay."
And with that, he turns and leaves.
I close and lock the door, ensuring the deadbolt is tightly secure. Not a minute later, my mother calls me into the living room where she's watching The Daily Show and going over a legal brief.
"So what is this about Miami? You haven't even mentioned it..."
"What were you and Sam talking about?" I counter.
She considers me a moment. "How much does he know?" she asks. I don't say anything. "Rory?"
"More now that you said that thing about the last boy who made me promises."
My mom sighs. "I'm sorry, Rory, I was just thrown by the whole spring break thing, and him saying he'd look out for you..."
"What did you say to him?" I ask, worried now.
She shakes her head. "It's not what I said, it's what he said..."
I give her a look to say "go on", and she does.
"He told me about his sister. That she went through a tough time, too. Then he said that he doesn't really know any details about what happened with you, but he knows you've been hurt, but that you're doing better than you realize. He insisted that you can handle going away with your friends, and that he would look out for you since he's used to looking out for his sister. He seemed so sincere... he said that obviously someone betrayed you, and me too, but that we can trust him."
I sit down on the sofa, dumbstruck. "He saw me have a panic attack my first day of school," I whisper.
"You never told me that," my mother accuses.
"Then I slapped him when I thought he was hitting on me. At a party. But he was just... looking out for me. And I accused him of tricking me into being alone with him in the library. And I had another attack, but he stopped it."
"He stopped it? What are you talking about? You mean your medicine stopped it," she corrects me, but I shake my head.
"No. He said I didn't need a pill, and he just... hugged me... until I calmed down. And I did. I was... fine."
"You were alone with him?" she asks, both concerned and hopeful.
I nod. "A few times now. He's my friend. He's not gonna hurt me," I murmur, realizing how fervently I believe this.
My mom sighs. "Okay, Rory. Why don't you go to bed, we'll talk about this Miami thing tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay."
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Christmas break, Last year
I never confronted Robin about the perfume. I'm not sure why. The thing is, he never told me we were exclusive, and I still haven't found the courage to ask. I think I'm afraid of what he might say. On one hand, it feels like a ridiculous question. We've been seeing each other nearly four months, and now that Christmas is over and my parents have gone down to take care of my grandmother again, I'm staying at the Forbes' for four days. Lacey invited me, but my dad is the one who told me I'd be staying there. He said it wasn't right for me to sleep at another man's house when I'm seeing Robin. So it would seem obvious in some ways that he's my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll just laugh if I ask him if he is. I have no experience with this, and I definitely don't want him to laugh at me.
Or he could say that we're not exclusive. That we're just dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend. And I think I'm more afraid of that. And what right do I have to accuse him of stepping out on me when he's never even said he was mine?
I never told Cam what happened that night in the guest room. He'd have lost it.
Robin's been more subtle about pressuring me to move faster for the most part. Only when he's been drinking is he on the more aggressive side. Now that football season is over, we both have more time on our hands, and we have been spending a lot of it together. It also means he's been drinking more. We're not alone much, except in one of our cars, and last week when I drove him home after a party he got especially handsy. He made me cry again, but he spent the rest of the week making it up to me. I didn't tell Cam about that either.
Now we're all at another party down by the lake. The December night air is cool, and I've had two beers, the most I've ever had. I'm feeling a little buzzed, I guess, but I'm ready to get to bed. Lacey's driving so I look around to see where she is, but neither she nor Robin are anywhere in view. I walk back toward the dirt lot where everyone is parked, and though I don't see anyone, I hear voices so I follow them. I stop when I hear my name.
"Fuckin' Rory is lookin' so hot tonight, Forbes. You're lucky as hell," Robin's friend Mark slurs.
I hear a chuckle - his other friend, Tommy. "He ain't lucky. That girl's got the face of an angel, the body of a temptress, and the attitude of a fuckin' nun! He ain't even gettin' any! Lucky my ass!" More laughter.
"Temptress? Big word for you, Tommy," Mark cajoles as I blush bright red and tears prick the back of my eyes.
"That's enough!" Robin roars.
Holy shit, he's defending me.
"You motherfuckers don't look at her body. That's fuckin' mine. And she ain't no nun, she's just a good girl. A keeper. Not like your bitches who open their legs on the first fuckin' date. Ya'll think I didn't know what I was gettin' myself into with her? She's the kinda girl you marry."
Silence.
"You serious, Forbes?" Mark asks quietly.
There's no verbal response, but Robin must have made some expression or gesture because Mark whistles dramatically.
I'm about to walk around the truck and act like I just found them when Robin speaks again, but quietly. "Anyway, just cause I ain't gettin' any from her yet don't mean I ain't gettin' any."
There's a chorus of howling laughter and reverential male approval.
My heart stops. I freeze. No, he never said we were exclusive, but this is a betrayal. I take a few steps back and then break into a run away from them, away from the party, into the trees that surround the lake.
I was right about the perfume, I knew it then, and I know it now. Robin went out, hooked up with some girl, and then came upstairs to make out with me. And he's just broadcasted it to all of his friends. My heart is in pieces and I can't catch my breath. I've never felt like this before. I feel humiliated, pathetic, betrayed. I am a joke to them. I am a joke to him.
I can't remember the last time I cried like this. I feel like such a fool. My phone buzzes, but I'm immobile. I sit next to a tree and hug my knees despite my dress.
It's a long time before I calm down enough to look at my phone. They're texting me. All of them. I ignore Lacey and Robin and hastily scroll through Cam's concerned texts. I hate that I've worried him, and he is of course the one I reply to. I direct him to where I am and ask that he please come get me and take me home.
Less than five minutes pass before I hear his footsteps crunching on the leaves and sticks of the forest floor.
"Ror?" Cam asks as he cautiously approaches me. My face is buried against my arms. "Rory girl, what happened?" He's horrified. I know seeing me upset hurts him deeply, and I've had some time now, so I rally to pull myself together and stand.
"Please take me home, Cam," I murmur. He steps forward and flings his arms around me, hauling me tightly to his chest.
"What happened, Ror? You need to tell me," he whispers into my hair.
I shake my head. "Please, please, just take me home."
"Aren't you stayin' with the Forbes?" he asks, confused.
I shake my head again. "Could I stay with you instead?"
"Of course, Rory girl." Cam takes a deep breath and let's go of me. "He do somethin' to hurt you?" he asks carefully, his voice deathly quiet.
I can't lie to him, but I can't have him going after Robin right now either. "Not in the way you think, Cam," I assure him.
"I'll fuckin' kill him," he growls.
I step up to him and clutch his tee shirt tightly, drawing from his strength. "I just really need you to take me home right now and stay with me. Could you do that? Please?" I look up at him through my lashes and his conflicted eyes undo me.
I don't deserve to have a friend like him. His arms wrap around me again and it occurs to me that he's prob
ably stronger than Robin. They'd be closely matched, but my money would be on Cam in a fight. He's probably an inch or so taller, and his muscles are lean but built, and something about him is just stronger I think. Maybe it's just the safety I find in his arms. Cam would never, ever hurt me. In fact, he'd kill for me. I know that inherently. I can't let him get into a fight. That would be awful.
"Yeah, Ror, let's go." Cam leads me out of the trees and to his truck. When I texted him where I was he must have driven to a closer access point to the woods. I'm so grateful I don't have to go back to that lot.
I take a deep breath and pull out my phone again. I need to text them to let them know I'm going home and I have a ride. I don't mention I'm going to Cam's, but if either of them know me at all, they'll know it anyway.
Cam stays quiet as he drives us home and leads me to his room. He knows not to push me to talk. He knows me better than anyone in the world.
I lie down on Cam's bed in my sundress since I don't have pajamas here and I don't feel like walking next door to get them. Cam offers to run over, but I don't want him to leave me right now. He's waiting for me to be ready to tell him what happened, but his jaw is clenched, his fists so tight they're turning white.
"He didn't touch me, Cam," I murmur, because I know that's what he's thinking. Not this time anyway. Cam exhales, like he'd been holding his breath, and comes to sit beside me on the bed and I turn to him. He strokes my hair.
"What. Did. He. Do." he grates.
I shake my head. Now that I've had some time to think it through, I'm not sure he did anything at all.
"Ror."
Reluctantly I meet Cam's gaze. He sighs and lies down next to me and I roll onto my back so we're side by side staring at the ceiling. We've had countless heart to hearts just like this. "I think I overreacted," I admit.
"Ror, I found you huddled in the middle of the damn woods cryin' hysterically. There's a million thoughts going through my head right now. Please just tell me what happened," he pleads.
"He never said we were exclusive. I never asked."
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