So I did.
Cam was horrified that I'd tried to hide it. He grabbed my non-stung hand and led me back to his house where he immediately retrieved an ice pack and held it to my affected wrist while distracting me with some story he'd made up. He was always making up stories. He still is. He writes them down in his journal, and sometimes he lets me read them. He wants to be a writer, and he will. He'll be a great writer. I tease him about being a football player, tell him he's going to be stuck playing wide receiver for the Dolphins, but while he may ride football through school, I know he'll end up writing the next Great American Novel. I sincerely have no doubt. Cam's story distracted me from my pain that day. And he took care of me, when I'd been the one trying to take care of him. And the truth is, he's been doing it ever since.
I curl my right hand - the hand that was stung by that damned wasp all those years ago - and dig my nails into my palm as hard as I can. I must be drawing blood, but it's all I can think of to do to distract from the scorching pain between my legs.
I don't know how long it's been, I've lost all concept of time and it may have only been a few minutes, though it felt like hours, but eventually Robin stills and his mantra ends. All that is left is his dead weight on top of me and the sound of his panting breath as he starts to calm.
Before I even realize he's moved again, Robin is on his back and is pulling me into his side. He curls an arm around me until I'm lying on his chest. I lie limp and wordless and still can't quite catch my breath. Robin tenderly strokes my back, still oblivious to the endless flow of my tears. I can feel liquid seeping out of me.
Minutes pass. Finally, Robin sighs and kisses my hair.
"That was so good, sweetheart, so damn good," he murmurs.
I whimper and choke back a sob, finally causing him to look at my face.
"Oh, darlin', no," he whispers, brushing away my tears with his knuckles.
Robin rolls me onto my back, and part of me worries he might just do it again, but I'm boneless. I have no fight left in me. None.
Supporting himself on one elbow, he settles on his side and looks down at me. He pulls my tee shirt back down to cover me, but I don't lift to help him, and the hem bunches around my hips. I no longer care. I close my eyes as he wipes away more tears. I can't bring myself to meet his gaze.
"I know, sweetheart. I know," he says soothingly, like he's trying to console me.
What the hell is it he knows?
"It's supposed to hurt your first time. I tried to go easy, but you're so hot, darlin', you feel so damn good. You have no idea. So good," he says again. "I got carried away, but it's impossible not to with you, you know?"
I don't reply. I don't make a sound other than my sniffling.
"But it woulda hurt no matter what. Your first time. It'll hurt less next time, I promise. I'll make you feel real good, sweetheart."
He must register my horror at his reference to "next time", because he shakes his head with a chuckle. A fucking chuckle!
"Not now, darlin'. Don't worry, I know you need some recovery time. You'll feel sore, but don't worry, that's normal," he explains.
Normal.
None of what just happened feels normal. I'm so confused. What Robin just did was awful, so why is he acting like it's all okay? Like we're a normal couple who just had sex for the first time? Are we?
Robin kisses me softly on my lips. I just stare at him. He smiles.
"Let me get you cleaned up," he says, before hopping out of bed grinning like he's just won the lottery and practically skipping into the en-suite bathroom. He's pulled his pajama pants back up, and I realize he'd never fully removed them at all.
I hear him run the sink, and before I can gather even a single rational thought, he's back with a warm, wet, washcloth and he's running it gently between my thighs. And I let him.
"There, all better," he murmurs and kisses me again before going back into the bathroom to dispose of the washcloth.
All better? I think, incredulous. Robin rejoins me on the bed and gathers me back in his arms from behind.
"You okay, sweetheart?" he asks. Somehow, with my back to him, avoiding his eyes, I am able to find words.
"It... hurt," I breathe. Robin kisses my shoulder.
"I know, sweetheart, it's supposed to your first time," he repeats. I take a deep breath. It doesn't help.
"I... I wasn't ready," I whisper as tears resume streaming down my cheeks.
"Oh, darlin'. You were never gonna feel like you were ready. We've been seein' each other almost six months. I love you, Rory, you know that. You just gotta trust me to know what's right for us. It was time. I know it hurt, but when it stops hurtin', you're gonna like it. Trust me, alright?" he murmurs into my ear.
It has been six months, I know that. But I wasn't ready. Maybe he's right, maybe I would never feel ready. But I never thought he would just go ahead and do it anyway. I tried to make him stop, I tried to fight him off, damn it!
I sniffle.
"I love you, sweetheart, you know that, right?" he whispers.
I nod.
"You love me too?"
I nod again, automatically. Right now I just feel confused and numb.
"I'm gonna sleep here as long as I can. God, I wanna stay with you forever, sweetheart. But I gotta sneak back downstairs before my parents get up, okay?"
I nod again. I don't want him to sleep here. I want him to go so I can think. But he doesn't, he just spoons me and whispers pretty things and plants butterfly kisses on my shoulder until he dozes off.
I don't sleep. I can't.
I can't believe that just happened. I figured I would lose my virginity to Robin, but not like that. I just don't understand why he didn't stop. He's warned me that when guys get worked up past a certain point, they can't stop. He certainly seemed like he wasn't in control. Is his attraction to me that strong? I don't get it, I just don't. And I know it was supposed to hurt my first time, but this was too much. Even with my lack of experience, I know that this was too much. It's not just that I'm sore, though I am, so damn sore. But, my wrists are a little swollen, my thighs hurt, and my muscles ache with exertion from the struggle before he forced his way inside me and I just gave up.
And that's what's bothering me most of all. Why did I give up?
Is this whole thing my fault? If I hadn't frozen, if I'd kept saying no until he heard me...
God, I messed up. I was kissing him and letting him touch me and I let him get too worked up. I know I asked him to stop, and I know I said no, but then I stopped fighting. I just let him do it. I wasn't even thinking about him, I was thinking about Cam. God, I can't imagine how he'd react if he knew that. He'd probably kill both me and Cam.
I feel guilty beyond comprehension. I'm supposed to love Robin. He loves me. He says so all the time.
When Robin starts stirring behind me, I glance at the clock and see it's nearly five in the morning. I pretend to be asleep. He presses a soft kiss to my cheek. "I gotta go, Sleepin' Beauty, I'll see you at breakfast," he whispers. I don't move a muscle. "I love you so damn much, sweetheart," he adds, his voice tight with emotion. And with one last kiss to my cheek, he climbs out from behind me and I hear the door quietly open and close.
With him gone, I finally fall asleep, but it's a wretched sleep, filled with nightmares of being held down, of being hurt, and of being completely at the mercy of some faceless someone who, for some reason, can't hear my desperate pleading.
****
It's already past ten when I awaken, and I wash up and get dressed, but can't bring myself to leave the room. My wrists are wrought with light bruising, as are my inner thighs, and there are small red marks on my palm where my fingernails cut into my skin. But the soreness between my legs is so fierce that everything else pales in comparison. Except for my heart. I've had so many conflicting emotions in the past eight hours that I have no idea where I've landed.
I'm sitting in the old wicker rocking chair in the corner of the room when I hear
a light knock on the door. I realize I should have been down for breakfast with the family over an hour ago.
Before I can respond, Lacey walks in. "Hey Rory," she greets me warmly.
"Hey."
"You okay?" she asks.
I nod, but don't say anything. I'm not sure I can manage the words "I'm okay". They'd be my biggest lie.
Lacey sits on the foot of the bed, facing me, and sighs. "Everyone's waitin' in the dining room," she explains.
"Sorry. I'm just not feelin' too well," I murmur, not quite meeting her gaze. Lacey nods, like she expected this.
"Look, Rob wanted me to come check on you," she admits.
"I'll be down soon, I'm just not feelin' well," I repeat.
She nods again. "Yeah, you said." Finally I meet her eyes. "Look he... he told me," she says.
I glare at her. He told her? He told her what? Surely not that he... made me have sex with him.
"He told me you guys... you know, slept together for the first time last night. Don't feel weird about it, Rory. You know, I lost my virginity to some guy I met in the Bahamas when I was on vacation with my family. I'd only known him a week. You slept with your boyfriend of six months who you love. There's nothin' to be embarrassed about." Oh.
I'm still surprised that he talked to his sister about this, but his version of things is easier to swallow I guess. And she's right. Robin is my boyfriend of six months, we've exchanged I love you’s, he's clearly committed to me. It's okay that we had sex. No, not just okay, it's right that we did. I just wish I'd felt ready before he'd made the decision for me.
"Come on, Rory, you're still a good girl. Let's go down and eat, everyone's waitin' on us," she urges. She thinks I'm worried about my good girl rep. I never especially cared for that rep in the first place. I never wanted to be seen as a good girl or a bad girl. Hell, before this year I never cared about being a girl at all.
"Yeah, okay," I reply as I stand. I follow Lacey down the stairs and through the foyer.
"Robbie was real worried about you, you know. He really loves you," she says before we head through the French doors that lead to the dining room. Her tone is almost disapproving, like she hadn't expected him to fall in love with me - like maybe I don't deserve his affections. And maybe I don't. I sure never thought Robin Forbes would ever want to take me out, let alone love me.
The Forbes all greet me as I enter. Robin walks over to embrace me. He plants a chaste kiss on my lips before pulling out my chair for me like the southern gentleman his parents believe him to be. I dutifully sit and breakfast commences normally just as it has every other time I've spent the weekend here.
Mayor Bobby and Cindy Forbes go on and on about Robin's UFL contract. They couldn't be more proud of their superstar son. Mayor Forbes starts telling a string of stories about him and my dad back when they were undergraduates together. He asks what I want to study in Gainesville, and I tell him pre-law, but that I'd also thought of applying to NYU like my mom, and that draws surprised glares. When Mayor Forbes says that surely my father would rather I go to Gainesville, I ask if he's heard that directly from him, because my dad certainly hasn't given me any input about my college plans. Mayor Forbes shrugs and says "Not lately, I suppose." Yeah, that sounds about right.
Mayor Forbes brings up the father-daughter dance at the country club which is coming up in a little over a month. He will bring Lacey, of course, but my father hasn't offered to take me since I was eleven. This year, it will fall on one of the weekends when he's out of town anyway, so he doesn't have to make up an excuse why he can't go, and I can pretend that he'd want to take me if he was in town.
I'm stunned when Mayor Forbes glances at his wife, who smiles her reassurance, and he asks me if I'd accompany him and Lacey. He knows my dad will be unavailable and would be honored to stand in, so he says. I peek over at Robin who starts rubbing his hand up and down my back. This was obviously discussed by the whole family, and honestly, I'm touched. But when half the town is at this event, I always go down to the lake with Cam and usually he reads me one of his short stories. It's not a tradition I want to break, not when so much has changed this year, and after last night, I'm still feeling so conflicted about everything. I tell them I'll discuss it with my parents, but I worry that Mayor Forbes will just go to my dad, who will be relieved to have the chance to both avoid me and to please his friend.
Mayor and Cindy Forbes will be taking a trip to New York the first weekend in February, and Robin tells them he's going to have a bunch of friends over to watch the Super bowl. He doesn't ask, he just lets them know he will be throwing a party in their house. His parents lament over what a great idea that is. Then Mayor Forbes launches into the story about how he first fell for Cindy at a Super bowl party.
"She was Cindy Parker back then. I'd known her, of course, it's Linton, everyone knows everyone, but she was just a freshman and I was a junior and, you know, it was high school. I'd had a girlfriend the first two years, nothin' really serious, but it'd ended the summer before. My Cindy was just as beautiful then as she is now. Long blonde hair, bright green eyes... my buddy Teddy - you're dad knew him too, Rory - he moved away years ago, anyway, he'd invited her because he was hopin' to put the moves on her. That's the only reason she was a freshman at a senior's party." Mayor Forbes and his wife laugh and Robin and Lacey groan. I smile. I've never heard them talk about when they were kids.
"It was like magic, I swear - I give her one glance and I'm hooked. No way was I gonna let the prettiest girl in town end up with someone else, especially not Teddy Smith. So I just walked over to her and started talkin' and we talked all night - through the whole game. My box won in the pool and I didn't even know until the next day. She was my girl after that, I proposed right after her graduation and we were married before she started at Gainesville."
"How did you know?" I blurt out. "I mean, that she was the one." Mayor Forbes grins widely. Under the table, Robin laces his fingers through mine.
"You know, I just looked at her that night, and I knew I couldn't let Teddy get near her. He was a bit of a dog, that one, and then after spendin' the night talkin' to her... I was already in love. I just knew I'd never want another girl, and I'd never stand it if she dated anyone else. We called it goin' steady back then, and I asked her right that night." They both chuckle. It's a happy memory and sweet story. Robin lifts our linked hands from under the tablecloth and kisses the back of my hand. It doesn't go unnoticed by his family. I think I even hear his mother sigh.
****
Robin and I go for a walk around their property after breakfast. I'm still reeling from the events of the last twenty four hours. I wish I had my jeep with me so I could get away and clear my head. Maybe go home, or to Cam's. But I could never talk about last night with Cam. Not ever. Before Robin, there wasn't a single thing I couldn't talk over with Cam. Now I feel more on my own than ever before. Making love for the first time should have made us more connected than ever, but I couldn't possibly feel more lonely.
I think of all the things I could have done differently. If I hadn't forgotten my shorts, if I'd fought harder, or hadn't fought at all. If I'd been dressing like I used to - in jeans instead of that short sundress that Robin called sexy - that probably didn't help prevent him from getting too worked up. From losing control. That first time he'd touched me in his car, and I smacked him, he told me if I didn't want it then I wouldn't have worn such a short skirt. I've been wearing skirts and dresses all year. From the red dress I wore on our first date to my cheerleading uniform I wore to school every Friday during football season. And will have to wear again on game days once basketball season starts... I wonder if that's what people think now, that I want it.
Sex.
God, even Chip, my friend since little league, put his hand on my knee and made suggestive comments - something he never would have ever done before - all because of that damned skirt.
"You're awful quiet, sweetheart," Robin murmurs.
"Just thinkin',"
I reply.
"What ya thinkin' about?"
I shrug.
"I used to gag when my parents talked like that," he says.
"I think it's sweet," I mutter quietly. Robin stops walking and grabs my hand, he pulls me so that I'm right in front of him, facing him. I feel an involuntary pang of fear, but I know it's irrational and I push it away quickly.
"I used to think they were just a sappy old married couple," he continues, "but I get it now."
"Get it?"
"When I saw you last summer, at the pool, in that sexy little red lifeguard swimsuit- that was somehow hotter than all the slutty bikinis all the other girls were wearin'... it was like I was seein' you for the first time." He stares intently down at me. I had no idea he noticed me at the pool. I had no idea he'd ever noticed me before that day on his parents' front porch when he first asked me out. I'm surprised, and honestly, flattered, even though he's complimented me a hundred times since then.
"I even asked Lace about you, but then when I saw you that night, standin' at my front door in those tiny little shorts, lookin' like you were nervous about somethin'... I don't know, sweetheart, it was like I was struck by lightin' or somethin'.
"I tried to play it all cool, but I couldn't stop thinkin' about those big, brown, angel eyes. About that pretty hair that you hide behind when you're bein' all shy and sweet." He tucks the small curtain of hair that's hanging over my cheek behind my ear. "I ain't been able to stop thinkin' about you since. I ain't ever gonna stop thinkin' about you, darlin'. And I don't wanna."
Robin leans down and in complete contrast to last night, he kisses me slowly and tenderly. He lets the pretty things he's just said linger in the mild winter air. And they touch me. They really do. When he pulls away, his gaze is positively adoring.
"Robin," I breathe.
"Yeah, sweetheart?"
"I... Last night... I don't wanna do that again until I'm ready," I murmur, thanking God that I'm able to say the words out loud.
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