NORMAL

by Danielle Pearl

  I realize that it's me, not Robin, that my father is disgusted with. I'm losing my resolve. He doesn't believe me, and even if he did, like he said, it's my own fault. And he's not wrong, what message was I sending by wearing the dresses Robin liked? By going back to him every time he hurt me...

  "I told him no. I begged him to stop," I murmur, but even I can hear the defeat in my voice. My father sits back in his executive desk chair. He is literally looking down his nose at me.

  "I'm disappointed in you, Aurora. You can't run around throwin' about these kinds of allegations. Do you understand what could have happened if you'd said these things to someone who didn't know Robbie? Who hasn't had some opportunity to observe your relationship? Who knows how much Rob loves you? God, Aurora, he'd lose his scholarship! His career would be over! He could even go to jail! How could you be so irresponsible?

  "You are lucky that Robin chose you. Don't you dare forget that for a moment. You may think you're hot shit here in Linton, but you're still just a small town girl. You're a dime a dozen over at UFL and even more common out in the real world. Robin is goin' to play pro ball, do you understand that? He wants to marry you! Don't you dare fuck that up, do you understand me, young lady?"

  I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if I could speak even if I did. I don't think my father has ever cursed at me before.

  Any glimmer of hope I'd had earlier has been vanquished. I'm not even crying anymore, I'm just numb.

  My mother comes by to say goodbye before she heads to the office; she's been preoccupied lately with an underprivileged client. She kind of always is, but I don't blame her, her clients really need her. She asks if everything's okay. I don't know if she's noted my mood or if she just knows how rare an occurrence a conversation between my father and me is these days, but my father just waves her off and she leaves. He's still glaring at me and I'm still sitting frozen in my chair when the doorbell rings several minutes later.

  My father gets up to answer the door, but I don't move.

  Vaguely I become aware of Robin's voice. My father is greeting him and they're shooting the breeze when they walk into the study. Robin is here to retrieve me, and I'm sure I've made us late for school by not waiting outside on the porch like I usually do.

  Robin takes my hand and I rise from the chair and, like I'm on autopilot, I walk with him toward my front door.

  "So, you and my Sleepin' Beauty are headin' out to Gainesville this weekend?" my father asks Robin, who is a little surprised.

  "Um, yes, sir, if that's alright with you. Rory said you wouldn't like it, but I'd love to show her around campus," Robin drawls, the perfect gentleman.

  "Of course. I was just tellin' her what a wonderful idea I think it is. She's lookin' forward to it," he replies.

  My father shakes Robin's hand and gives me a look before he turns to return to his study and Robin leads me to his car. I know what my father's look meant. He wants me to know I'm not to repeat what I've told him to anyone else. He'd already made himself clear.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Present Day

  With Lily's intervention, Chelsea was blamed for the entire fight and I got nothing more than one afternoon of detention, which is the school's policy for anyone involved in a physical altercation regardless of who instigated the conflict. I served it Wednesday after school and since my mother was mostly just worried about me, I really got in very little trouble. When my NYU acceptance letter came that same afternoon, all else was forgotten and my mom and I went out for sushi to celebrate. She's proud, and honestly I'm just happy to give her pride when I've given her nothing but pain and regret for the past year.

  I'm really feeling good - at least for me - for the first time in way too long, and I try to convince myself that the fact that Sam is going to be at Columbia next year - just uptown from NYU's campus - has nothing to do with my improved mood.

  With spring break starting midweek, most people are more or less treating the three school days we have left as lame duck days and starting break this weekend instead, at least in spirit. It's Friday night and Andrew's is packed. Some kids who graduated last year are home from college and apparently reliving their high school days, or perhaps reconnecting with their slightly younger friends.

  I've just barely started to become somewhat comfortable around the usual crowd - the people I go to school with - and seem to be the only person here that is less than thrilled with the unfamiliar faces. Of course, they're only unfamiliar to me.

  Carl introduced me to a few girls she knows from the volleyball team, and they all seem nice enough. There is also a group of guys I don't know, some of whom stand around scanning the room for girls like predators stalking their prey. No one has said anything out of line, but my line and other people's line don't exactly fall in the same place. No one has outright propositioned me or anything like that, but if one more strange man asks to "get to know the new girl" with a cocky smirk, I'm going to lose it.

  I sneak out to the back yard, which grows more and more popular as the season progresses and the air becomes more mild. It's no longer an escape, but just the setting of another faction of tonight's party. I spot Dave and Lily chatting with a few people I know and go over to bum a cigarette from Dave, knowing he always has some on him.

  "Thanks," I murmur, as he lights it for me, and turn to walk away when Lily stops me.

  "Rory, can I talk to you a minute?" she asks tentatively.

  "Sure."

  We walk a few paces for some semblance of privacy before I turn to her to ask what's up. Since Chelsea has been suspended/ grounded, she hasn't been around, but I assumed her friends still saw her. Then I remember that Lily was the one who told the dean the truth, and Chelsea probably saw that as a betrayal.

  "I just wanted to apologize for what happened on Tuesday. I swear I had no idea what she had planned. She just told us to follow her because she had something for us to see, and of course, like idiots, we did," she explains contritely.

  "She's not talking to you, is she?" No, Queen Bee would expect more loyalty from her subjects, she wouldn't let this transgression go lightly.

  Lily shrugs. "Honestly, Rory, I wouldn't know. I haven't tried. She's been kind of out of control lately," she admits.

  This surprises me. I wouldn't have expected the two girls to wash their hands of each other, I'd have thought it would have gone only one way.

  "Look, I never thanked you for talking to the dean. I really appreciate it, I could have gotten into a lot of trouble," I murmur. Lily smiles, and it's a surprisingly warm, sincere smile. Maybe this girl isn't all that bad.

  "All I did was tell her what happened."

  Yes, that's true, and while I shouldn't have to be grateful that she simply told the truth, I know better than anyone how rare such a simple moral choice is, particularly in high school, and grateful I am.

  "All the same, thanks."

  Dave interrupts us by coming up behind Lily and kissing her neck lewdly. It makes me uncomfortable, but I mentally shrug it off. She giggles and halfheartedly tries to push him away, but it's clear to me that they're just one more pair that will undoubtedly couple off for break.

  "You ladies talking about me?" he slurs playfully.

  "No!" Lily replies.

  "We were just talking about break," I lie. Dave's eyes light up with excitement

  "It's gonna be slammin'. Drinking all day, partying all night, you all in bikinis..." He sighs dramatically. "A dream come true." Something tells me he'll be seeing Lily in even less than a bikini. Me? Not so much.

  I roll my eyes and excuse myself as I smoke my cigarette down to the filter and embrace it's calming effect. One cigarette a week, that is all I allow myself. Though in my internal negotiations I consider making additional allowances for vacations with friends - and several virtual strangers - that will undoubtedly include uncomfortable situations riddled with potential triggers for me.

  I'm still on the same prescription bottle I got when I first moved h
ere, and I still have seven pills left. I'm a little worried that this trip will require me to rely on them more than I've needed to as of late, but I've decided that the experience will be more positive than negative, and I'm truly looking forward to spending quality time with Carl and Tina, and perhaps now Lily too.

  And, of course, Sam.

  I put my cigarette out in an abandoned beer cup that's been used repeatedly for the same purpose, and head back into the house. I look around for Carl or Tina, but it's Sam I spot first.

  He's standing in the far corner of the crowded living room, off on his own with one other person - a girl I've never seen before. Her long strawberry blonde hair hangs loosely down her back and her fair skin is almost luminous. Sam says something with a smirk and her head hangs back with laughter as she touches his chest. Sam smiles, pleased with her response.

  Nausea unfurls in my gut. She is absolutely beautiful. And it's clear for anyone to see that she and Sam are something more than friends - more than he and I will ever be. Their exchange is intimate without being necessarily affectionate, at least not in public. I feel my heartbeat quicken, but I'm not panicking. No, this is nothing more than your average, run of the mill, common jealousy.

  I know who she is without needing to be told. Kendall. His "regular" hook-up before she left for college. But she's home now, at least temporarily, and Sam seems pleased with this development.

  In fact, he probably knew she'd be here. He was probably expecting her. They don't look like they're catching up; they've probably been in contact the whole time. I wonder if she hadn't gone away to school if they'd be in a relationship. Carl made it sound like they were never serious or exclusive, and I wonder why not, when they obviously have a real connection.

  I feel a pang of pain slice through my heart and it's unfamiliar.

  It was somehow easier to accept that Sam and I could only ever be friends before there was a beautiful girl hanging all over him right in front of me. One with whom he has a history - an intimate history.

  I want another cigarette. Surely I can allow myself one more considering the extenuating circumstances.

  I'm about to turn to go bum another one from Dave when I see Carl run over to them and hug Miss Beautiful like they're long lost friends. They fall easily into conversation and I'm even jealous of that. Of course she's friends with my closest girlfriend, and right now, I feel like I don't belong. Like I've just been a deficient, temporary stand-in for this stranger, and now that she's back, I don't have a place.

  I want to go home, but I don't want to make a big deal about it. I should just text Carl that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't find her to say bye. I pull out my phone and am about to head out and do just that when she spots me.

  Damn.

  "Rory! Come here," she calls from across the room.

  Sam follows her line of sight and we lock eyes. He smiles, and I force the fake smile I mastered for Cam's benefit when I was dating Robin. Sam frowns in response and I wonder if he can't see right through it just as Cam had.

  With no other choice, I drag my feet to their corner, stopping to grab a beer on my way.

  "Rory, this is Kendall. She graduated last year, she's at Northwestern now," Carl introduces.

  I exaggerate my fake smile and murmur hello while I wonder if her being in Chicago is the reason she and Sam aren't an item. Chicago isn't more than a couple hours away by plane, surely if they wanted to make a go of a long distance relationship, they could have.

  "Kendall and her older brother Randy were a big deal in Port Wood. He's at NYU now, isn't he?" she asks Kendall, who had rolled her eyes when Carl described her popularity. "That's where you're going, Rory, right?"

  "Uh, yeah," I murmur.

  "Ooh, maybe you can introduce her, Ken. God, Rory, Randy is so hot. We all had crushes on him freshman and sophomore year, you know, until he graduated," Carl explains.

  Kendall smiles wryly, as if she's up to something, and I worry I might have another Chelsea on my hands. But of course, Chelsea lashed out at me because Sam didn't want her. Kendall doesn't have that problem.

  "Carl, that is an inspired idea. Honestly, Rory, you're just his type, and he was just telling me how he'd love to meet someone and settle down," Kendall replies.

  "Rory's not looking to date, she just got out of a relationship," Sam interrupts. I furrow my brow at him and he clams up.

  "Uh, yeah, I'm a little young for all that settling down stuff, anyway," I murmur. Carl and Kendall both laugh.

  "I didn't mean like marriage, I meant just to start taking someone seriously. But hey, if you're not looking for that, that's cool too. My brother's awesome, I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around campus, you know, as a friend. It's always good to know someone going into college."

  "My cousin Thea goes there too, she can show Rory around," Sam interrupts again. "She's going to be in Miami for two days while we're there, I'll introduce you," he offers.

  Kendall's smirk is back and I'm a little put off by the entire exchange. Does Sam think I can't handle interacting with men at all? That he's the only guy I can be friends with? Maybe that was true a few months ago, but I can't hide away from the opposite sex forever, I realize, and my feelings for Sam are clouding my judgment.

  "Yeah, well I guess it can't hurt to know some people. Why don't you give me his number and maybe I'll call him when I'm in the city," I murmur with false confidence.

  "Here, give me your phone, I'll add him to your contacts," she offers with a grin and I hand it over. In truth, I doubt I'll ever call him, but considering it, or considering considering it anyway, is a step in the right direction, I think. "Cap can vouch for him, they played football together for years," she murmurs as she programs her brother's number and hands me back my phone.

  Wait, football?

  Sam played football?

  "So, Rory, I've heard a lot about you, I'm glad I got to meet you. Cap says you're from Florida, right?"

  Sam is scowling, and he looks cute as hell like that too, but... why has he never mentioned he's a football player? I know it's come up. I think I even once ranted about how football players are over-privileged, self-important, asshole jocks...

  "Yeah, northern Florida," I reply.

  "Cool. Well, have a good time in Miami. Look out for my friends, will ya?" she says lightly, and teasingly musses Sam’s hair. I want to touch that hair.

  "Uh, sure," I mutter, but then I turn to Sam, I can't help it, "you play football?" I ask quietly. He bristles, blinking at me, and it's Carl who replies.

  "Duh, he's the star of the team. He's been the captain of every team since pee wee league, he's the freaking quarterback," Carl says with a laugh, "That's why everyone calls him Cap. Because of his last name and that he's been team Captain like four times," she explains.

  This irks me deeply. Rationally I know that the fact that Sam plays the sport doesn't change who he is, but it's just one more thing he has in common with Robin to add to the list. Not to mention the fact that he played quarterback too and was the captain. And it can't be a coincidence that he's never brought it up. It doesn't make sense. Being the quarterback of the football team, the captain, the star... it's got to have been a significant part of his life, even if the season's over and he's not playing anymore.

  "Oh," I reply as casually as I can manage. I don't want anyone to realize I'm upset, because frankly I'm not sure I have a right to be. I'm just a stupid, jealous girl who's surprised to find out she doesn't know her crush as well as she thought she did. I just want to leave.

  "Anyway, I'm starving, we were just going to head to the diner for a late night snack, do you guys want to join us?" Kendall offers Carl and me. Why she would want us on her date with Sam, I can't imagine. If I were her, I'd want him all to myself, especially after being away from him for so long.

  "I'm actually kinda tired, I was, um, about to leave anyway. It was nice to meet you," I say to Kendall as sincerely as I can manage. "See you," I add to Carl and Sam, and th
en turn on my heel before either of them can stop me.

  I'm out the back door and around the side of the house before I can watch Sam and Kendall leave for their outing to the diner.

  "Lookin' good, Pine," Marshall drunkenly calls out from the front of the house. I ignore him - and the wafting scent of pot smoke - and keep moving toward my car which I parked just up the street.

  "Ror!"

  It's Sam. He's out of breath, but I don't stop. Instead, I pick up pace. Maybe he'll think I didn't hear him.

  "Rory, will you wait?!" he calls out, exasperated.

  I stop, and still facing away from him, close my eyes and count backwards from ten. Why did he follow me? Shouldn't he be with Kendall?

  I can hear him jog up behind me and stop to catch his breath, he takes hold of my arm to get my attention, as if he didn't already have it.

  "For such a star athlete I'd have thought you'd be in better shape," I spit, more maliciously that I'd intended, as I turn to face him. Sam winces and I feel instantly guilty. I take a deep breath and look down at my worn boots, contrite.

  "I'll have you know that I am in impeccable shape," Sam replies defensively through an adorable pout, and I can't help but rake him with my gaze to confirm what I already know - he's in incredible shape. My eyes land back on my boots as I wait for him to explain why he's chased me out here when his girl is obviously waiting on him. "Will you look at me?" he asks, his words drowning in frustration. I meet his eyes, and they're beautiful, but turbulent with uncertainty - so very unlike him. "What's up? You okay?"

  I shrug. "Why wouldn't I be?" I know it's a childish response, but right now I don't care. How I am is none of his business. I'm not his. He runs his fingers through his hair and I'm immediately assaulted with the image of Kendall playfully messing with it.