Sweet Beginning

by V. M. Holk

  I get into the shower, hoping it will wake me enough to work this morning. The hot water helps loosen my muscles and gives me some relief from my emotions. I quickly ready myself for the day ahead.

  As I walk downstairs to the shop to start making donuts, muffins and other assorted baked goods. I hear Jaylah unlock the front door and yell out, "Good morning, sunshine!"

  I smile and yell, "Back here!" Jaylah puts all her belongings in the office, before she comes in the back to help me get started on the donuts. "Mornin' JayJay," I say.

  "Good morning," she smiles at me.

  We get into our routine for the morning.

  I look around the shop and fall in love with it all over again. I never get tired on how we decorated it. It has large windows along the whole front of the shop with the door in the middle with the bell above it. We have a table with two comfy chairs on the right. To the left of the door we have a couch against the wall, with a coffee table and comfy chairs. Along the sill of the window, are books for the customers to enjoy. There are table and chairs scattered around the rest of the shop. There is an L shaped counter with a bakery case, our cappuccino machines and coffee pots, in the middle against the left wall. There are windows on both sides that let in so much light, it's so inviting. Our kitchen is in the back and the smells are always amazing. The walls are painted a pale pink with brown accents on the couch and chairs.

  I shake myself and get back to work. Once we have our sweets baked, we start on the front of the shop, making coffee and filling the bakery case. When I hear the bell above the door chime, I turn to see my dad walk through the door.

  "Good morning, how are my two favorite girls?" he asks with a smile.

  "Good, dad. How are you?" I smile back at him. Jaylah smiles at my dad and goes off to finish filling inventory.

  "I can't complain, baby," he says.

  "Do you want the usual?" I ask.

  My dad buys donuts for all his employee's every Monday morning. He feels it's better to start the week with a smile, instead of treating at the end of the week. I couldn't agree more.

  "Yeah and my coffee please," he replies.

  "So anything new going on?" I ask, as I fill his order.

  "Not really, I do have a new guy starting today, his name is Wyatt. He moved down here from up north. So I better not be late."

  I bag up his order and make his coffee. I ring him up and he hands me his money. "Well good luck, I love you."

  "Thanks, love you too," he says. Jaylah walks out from the back and waves.

  As I watch my dad leave, I wonder why he didn't mention before that he hired someone. Before I can ponder more on that, another customer walks in.

  The rest of the morning went quickly, with a steady stream of customers. We finally had a lull so I was able to make fresh pots of coffee. I heard the bell over the door ring. I turned to see Kyle, waving as he walks up to the counter.

  "Hi, Anne, how are you?" he says softly, I almost couldn't hear him.

  I stand there for a moment, frozen. He looks tired; maybe it's the new job. We haven't seen much of each other. He is a handsome man, always was. He is tall with black hair, always cut short, with brown eyes. His dimples use to make me melt. Oh how things have changed. Before I could even say anything, I hear from behind me...

  "Well hello, asshat!" Jaylah says, as she crosses her arms across her chest.

  He sighs and shakes his head. They have been more like siblings than friends. She hasn't liked how things have been between us, and girls have to stick together.

  "Hey Jay, do you mind if I steal Anne for a few minutes?" he asks.

  She looks over at me than back to him, "As long as Anne is okay with it," she replies. She glances back to me, to see if I want her to save me from whatever this might be.

  I touch her arm and smile, "That's fine, I'll grab us a couple cups of coffee and some muffins," I reply. I look back at Kyle and he nods.

  As I get a tray ready for us, I steal a look at Kyle. He grabbed the table by the window and is fidgety. I wonder what he wants to talk about.

  Jaylah looks at me, "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah. I thinks so. I wonder what he wants," I reply.

  She shrugs her shoulders, "I'll be right here. Yell if you need me."

  I nod, wipe my hands on my pink flowered apron and take a deep breath. I carry the tray to the table and sit across from him.

  "Thanks," he mumbles, as he continues to looks outside onto Main Street.

  We sit in silence for a while. Kyle staring out the window, obviously collecting his thoughts. I fidget with my coffee cup and pick at my muffin. I glance over at Jaylah and see her confused look and shrug my shoulders. I can't take the silence anymore.

  "SO, what did you want to talk about?"

  He looks over at me, I can see the sadness in his eyes.

  "I miss you," he whispers.

  I stare at him not sure how to respond. We haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. And when he was home, we hadn't talked much. I tried talking to him a few of times, he brushed me off. I figured he was mad at me, or trying to cope with our situation.

  "Sorry, I know we really haven't talked lately. I thought a lot about us, being with the girls all weekend. We always did vacations together, it was weird without you there. It made me miss how things used to be," he says.

  I look at him confused, "What are you saying?"

  "I know we're over. I wish things could be different," he says.

  I look him in the eyes and see something else there. Not sadness, but guilt. What would he be feeling guilty about? I shake myself from thinking too much. Instead, I decide to share how I felt over the weekend.

  "I know, it was a hard weekend for me too. I always want us to be friends. We were always so close, talked about everything. We grew up and I think grew apart. It's neither of our faults, it happens," I say.

  I search his eyes in hope of finding a better understanding of what he's thinking. His eyes drift outside again. I definitely saw guilt in his eyes. Why is he feeling guilty? Before I have a chance to ask, he looks at me. He pulls an envelope out of his inside coat pocket and hands it to me.

  "What's this?" I ask, with a smile. I don't open it, wondering if he is giving me a gift. From the look on his face, this isn't a happy thing. My smile fades as I wait for him to answer.

  He takes a deep breath, and looks away as he says, "My lawyer got the papers done for us to sign."

  My hands begin to shake. I look down at the envelope, then back at him. Anger buils with in me at the shock of his words. My eyes water, I will myself not to cry in front of him. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of affecting me in that way.

  "Wow, WOW, REALLY!??" I search his eyes for something, I'm not sure what. "THAT was quick," I spit at him.

  He looks out the window again. It's almost as if he is afraid to look at me. My anger builds, distraction me from collecting my thoughts.

  "Why do you keep looking out the window? What are you looking for?" I sit there waiting for him to answer. "You sure didn't waste any time getting the papers done, huh?"

  I wait again for him to answer. He sits there staring out the window. He puts his face into his hands then runs them through his hair. He's always done this when confronted with something he doesn't want to deal with. He looks up and into my eyes.

  "Anne..." he pauses, searching for words. I'm too upset to sit here and wait for him to decide to talk.

  "What? For fuck's sake, fucking say something!"

  "Anne..." again he pauses. He looks over at me, I'm so furious at this point I could spit nails.

  "WHAT?" I yell.

  "I wanted to say I miss you. I don't understand why you're so mad at me right now," he says.

  "You don't understand? Are you fucking kidding me?" I say through clenched teeth.

  "NO, I am not kidding," he says.

  "This is the most you've talked to me in weeks, months for that matter. Then you mindfuck me with this shit."


  I see him getting mad, "What the fuck are you talking about? This is one thing I don't fucking miss!"

  "Of course you don't. You never liked to talk or fight with me."

  "Really, Anne? What the fuck?"

  "Forget it! It doesn't matter anymore, does it?"

  "Yep, there you are! I thought for a minute things were different, you were your old self. But we can't have that, can we?"

  "Fuck you."

  "No thank you."

  I am so mad, I actually can't talk. I feel tears trying to make their way to the surface. I sit there with my arms crossed over my chest. I use Kyle's tactic of looking out the window, trying to calm myself.

  "You wanted the divorce, remember?" he asks, as he runs his hands through his hair.

  I look over to see his hair sticking up in weird directions. This was always a sure sign he was stressed. I reply, "Believe me, I remember. What are we waiting for, let's sign them."

  I grab the envelope and fish out the papers.

  "Look, Anne. I didn't come here for a fight. I figured you moved out, what are we waiting for?"

  "Nothing," I spit back at him. I quickly scan the sheets to see where I have to sign. "Make sure you send me a copy," I say as I throw them back to him.

  I start cleaning up the dishes. He stays cemented in his seat watching me. As I start to turn, he grabs my arm. I yank it from his grasp, almost dropping the tray.

  "You got what you came for. Go, Kyle!"

  I walk to the counter, dropping the tray. Jaylah takes one look at me and storms over to Kyle.

  "Really nice, fuck wad! What did you do now?" she yells at him.

  "I better leave," he says.

  "That's right. Leave when things get tough," she says.

  "Think whatever you want Jay. It's not all me."

  He looks over at me and I turn away. I see from the corner of my eye how, he shakes his head and leaves. Jaylah runs to me and envelopes me in a hug.

  "He had papers done already. Can you believe it, JayJay? He doesn't talk to me in weeks. He sits there and tells me that he misses me, then hands me papers," I whisper.

  I lean against the counter, defeated. "I know I asked for a divorce...." Jaylah interrupts me before I can finish my words.

  "But you wanted him to fight for you. And you ARE worth fighting for!"

  I smile weakly at her, yet feel defeated. I nod my head and start cleaning up my mess. I'm emotionaly exhausted and need to busy myself.

  The rest of the day passed by fast, thankfully. The girls are so excited to see their new room. I'm sure they ran here from school. It's the first time they walked with their friends.

  "Hi Mama, can we please see our room?" Katie asks, practically jumping up and down. Shannon stands next to her sister, nodding her head in agreement.

  "Of course, let's go." I look over at Jaylah and she nods her okay.

  They are so excited about how their room turned out. Ifelt good to see them so happy. We painted it a soft blue, and painted fairies all around the room. Then Jaylah and I hung up fairy lights around the ceiling. They picked out their comforters in bright colors with pillows to match. In the one corner, is all their toys in the bins with a rug for them to play on.

  Once we see everything, we go back downstairs. I tell them they can pick out a snack. After that, they go sit at a corner table to work on homework.

  I go back to cleaning up the shop.

  "Hey, Jay?" I yell.

  She comes out from the back, "Yeah?"

  "Why don't you go home? I'll finish up until Amanda gets here."

  "Okay. Thanks, toots," she winks at me.

  I smile, she can always cheer me up with the little things. She walks over to Katie and Shannon. I see them all talking and laughing together. I am thankful for these moments, it helps me forget my troubles.

  Shortly after Jaylah left, Amanda walks in for her shift.

  "Hello Anne," she says.

  "Hi Amanda. Everything is set for you. If you need anything, I'll be upstairs," I reply.

  "Okay," she says with a smile.

  I watch her put on her cupcake apron and get to work. I don't sew a lot, but I made a bunch of different aprons for everyone to wear. I remember having so much fun picking out the fabric and making them. I have had to throw some out and make more through the years. I finish cleaning up and look over to the girls.

  "Clean up your stuff girls, we are going upstairs," I yell over to them.

  They nod their heads and start cleaning up. I walk over to the table and make sure they have everything. We walk up to our apartment together.

  I start making dinner and the girls run off to play. I decide to make spaghetti, because it's fast and easy. As I cook, the afternoon keeps running through my head. Jaylah was right. I was expecting him to fight for me, or try. I have this feeling that something else was wrong with him. The more I think about our fight, I start getting mad again.

  I set the table and yell for the girls to come eat. As we sit down for dinner, I am still thinking about Kyle. I talk to the girls about their weekend in Memphis. Its hard for me to listen to them talk about all the things they did without me. I put on a happy face, for their sake. I pick at my food, as they talk.

  Once they are done eating, we all clean up the table. Katie runs in the bathroom to take her shower before bed. I finish putting the dishes away. When Katie leaves the bathroom, I help Shannon take her bath before bed. The girls can't wait to sleep in their new beds, so they decide to watch a movie in their room until they fall asleep. I sneak in about a half hour later to find them both sleeping. I kiss them softly, turn of the tv and shut the door.

  I throw myself on the couch, feeling emotionally drained. I hear my phone go off that I have a text.

  Jaylah 8:02pm

  want some company? I've got wine :)

  Anne 8:03pm

  but of course :) <3

  Jaylay 8:03pm

  i'm on my way

  About fifteen minutes later, I hear footsteps on the stairs to my place. Jaylah comes in looks over at me and waves the bottle of wine at me. She grabs two glasses from the kitchen and sits next to me on the couch. After she pours us glasses, I grab one and take a long drink.

  "God, I needed this JayJay!"

  She smiles at me and waves a DVD in front of me. "I figure you needed wine and some Dirty Dancing."

  I chuckle, this is always our therapy in rough times. We know the movie word for word. She pops it in, we relax and watch. I love that we can do this. We don't have to talk about what happened, all I need is her sitting next to me.

  Chapter 5

  The next couple of months went by with what felt like lightning speed. We got a routine down, which has helped with my sanity. There were some sleepless nights. Once the newness of everything wore off, it hit the girls hard. We decided on joint custody, so they are with each of us equally each week. My heart breaks each weekend they are with Kyle, I don't get to see them for almost 4 days. He has the girls every other weekend. It made more sense with his schedule of four, twelve hour days.

  It always sounded great to have some free time, to be by myself. Yet when you actually get it, you wish you didn't. I sit alone a lot of times and cry. I have been doing more of my hobbies lately, I love to crochet. I have made a couple of blankets already. It helps to keep my mind off of being alone.

  I got a lawyer to go over all the paper work that Kyle gave me. Since we aren't fighting over anything, he told me the divorce would take about six months to finalize. So we should be divorced by Valentine's Day. Isn't that wonderful, I was never a big fan of the holiday anyway.

  Kyle and I haven't seen much of each other through all this. Since our fight at the shop, he doesn't really want to see me. That is fine with me, I not in a rush to see him right now either. I still can't believe he was so quick with the papers. I thought in the end that we could at least try to mend our marriage.

  So when he drops them off he waits in the car and I do the same at hi
s house. When we do need to talk to each other, we usually text. That does sadden me, we were best friends at one time. I do hope that gets better in time, especially for the girls sake. I don't want to have a bitter relationship with him, that we can't even handle being in the same room together.

  I don't have the girls this weekend, I sit on the couch to relax . I pull my new crochet project out, turn on the TV and start working away. I hear my phone ring and am shocked to see that it is my mother. We don't call each other very often, unless something has happened or to talk about the holidays. I only made a quick call to even tell her about Kyle and me when it happened. I set my project aside and answer my phone.

  "Hi, mom."

  "Hi. How are you doing, Anne?" she asks.

  I sigh and reply, "Not bad, its been an adjustment for all of us. But we are handling it."

  "Well thats good, I know its not easy. If you ever need to talk, you know you can call me," she replies.

  "I know thanks," I reply. I am surpised by the conversation, this is the most we have talked in a long time. I wish sometimes we had a better relationship, one like normal mother and daughters have. I use to get upset when I saw Jaylah and her mom together. I wanted that, my mom has that with Emma and Mia. My mom breaks my train of thought.

  "Well I wanted to also let you know that Stan and I are going to Florida early this year. I know we usually wait until after Christmas, but Stan feels better down there." she says.

  Well that makes the holidays easier for me. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but if it wasn't for my girls, I wouldn't go. It's always uncomfortable and we don't stay very long. "Ok, when are you leaving?" I ask.

  "Well we decided on next week and we won't be back until Easter. Emma and Mia are staying at the house and flying out for Thanksgiving and Christmas," she replies.

  "Of course", the golden children will be there, I think to myself. I shake my head, I shouldn't feel like that towards my half-sisters. My mom got pregnant with Emma shortly after she married Stan. That added to our bad relationship. I just couldn't believe she moved on so quickly! My poor dad was alone and miserable. My mom moved on, she gave up on our family. It made me moving to my dad's a much easier decision. She didn't even fight to have me stay, which made me feel unloved. First my mother, now Kyle. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me, am I unlovable?