Becoming Calder

by Mia Sheridan

  He was silent for a second, and then nodded his head once and said, "Has Calder talked to you about his plans to get on the council?"

  I sighed. "Yes." I was quiet for a couple beats before I added, "I don't know how likely that is."

  Xander scooted back so he was leaning against the rock Calder usually used. "Yeah, I don't either. Tell me why you say that."

  I let out a breath. "It's just . . . the other council members . . . they're different than Calder. I don't see Calder fitting in. He's too—"

  "Good," Xander finished.

  I nodded and lowered my eyes. "Yes."

  We both sat silently for a few minutes until Xander finally said, "He's going to try as soon as Hector gets back, you know. And I don't see it working out well for him."

  "So what do we do?" I whispered.

  "I don't know there's much we can do. Calder's going to do what he thinks he needs to." He picked absently at the grass next to him for a minute. "Calder, he breaks the rules once in a while, but he'd never do anything he thought would hurt someone else. He’s so damned honorable."

  "Yeah, tell me about it," I said.

  Xander chuckled. "I should get back. I'm going to bring some holy water to Maya." He pulled himself up and so did I.

  "What can I do?"

  "Not much, Eden. Just pray for her."

  I nodded. "Xander, if I leave some candy for her under the bush on the right side of the main lodge's porch, will you retrieve it and bring it to Maya from me?”

  Xander smiled. "Sure."

  "Okay, thanks. And thanks for coming down here to let me know about Maya."

  "You're welcome."

  I thought he'd turn and leave, but he looked up at the clear blue sky for several beats before his eyes met mine and he said, "There's a storm coming, Eden."

  I nodded, not looking upward. "Yes," I said simply. He furrowed his brow and nodded, and then he turned and left me standing there, alone.

  **********

  Calder didn't show up at our spring for the next few days. I left the candy by the front porch diligently, though, and made sure to see if it was gone. It always was. Xander was doing the job I'd asked him to do.

  I did see Calder at Temple, but Maya wasn't with his family and even from far away, he looked so drawn and tired. I gave him a discreet smile, and he smiled back, but it looked like he did it with effort. I was screaming inside as I quietly and obediently went about my religious duties.

  I wanted desperately to ask someone if Maya was okay, if she was getting better, but who could I go to? Hector wasn't here. What if I just walked myself right over to Calder's small cabin and knocked on the door?

  I threw myself backward onto my bed and groaned. Someone, probably one of the council members, would drag me back in about seven seconds, that's what. And then they'd start watching me like a hawk again and I might not be able to meet Calder down at the spring. I couldn't risk it for either of us.

  I lay there contemplating what I could do when I suddenly heard the distant sound of an engine on the road. That wasn't too unusual. All the council members had vehicles they used to travel to and from work in the big community. But for some reason, I sat up anyway and went to my window to look out. I strained my eyes to see what kind of car it was drawing closer. It was a black jeep. I kept watching, disbelieving for a few minutes, but as it came nearer, it was unmistakable. Hector had returned. He had been gone for almost six months, and now he was back. Sadness and anxiety suddenly filled me. My access to the spring, to Calder, would now be practically non-existent. All these months, that fear had loomed, and now it was reality.

  **********

  Mother Hailey rushed into my room, saying, "Hurry, Eden, make yourself presentable. Hector's returned. He'll want to see you right away."

  I didn't reply, but moved to put on my lace dress, the one he favored. It was slightly tight on me now, as I hadn't had it altered in six months since he'd been gone. There'd simply been no need. I despised that dress. It was a symbol of everything I hated about my own life.

  Still, I pulled it on and then Mother Hailey brushed my hair and put a ribbon around it. I looked like a child.

  "Mother Hailey," I murmured as she ran her hands through my hair, "can I still call you Mother?"

  She was quiet for a moment before she said gently, "No, Eden. You'll be my mother in a few months now. You must simply call me Hailey."

  Tears gathered in my eyes and Hailey turned me toward her and led me to the bed where we both sat down, and she grasped my hands in hers. "Eden, you don't need to be scared. Hector is a very kind husband. And if you're lucky, you'll be pregnant with Hector's child before the great floods come. And picture it now, the two of you leading us all into Elysium, a blessed child in your womb." She smiled warmly, squeezing my hands in hers.

  "A child wasn't part of the prophecy," I murmured.

  "No, but the gods can't send every detail, I don't imagine. That wouldn't be practical."

  I didn't try to imagine how all that might work, but the thought of making a child with Hector filled me with dread. And it made the reality of what I'd be expected to do with him even more vivid. I wasn't sure what "that" was precisely, but I knew it involved things I had no desire whatsoever to do with Hector. He had raised me, for all intents and purposes. I thought of him as my father. I tried to swallow down the bile that rose up in my throat.

  "Hailey," I finally managed, keeping my eyes cast downward, "are you happy? Don't you ever want someone just for you?" I brought my eyes to hers.

  She was quiet for several beats, but I swore I saw sorrow in her eyes. "Sacrifice is what makes us the blessed people of the gods," she answered. "It's human nature to be selfish, but we must fight against that sin. It's what sets us apart from the people of the big community." I let out a breath. She was simply paraphrasing from Hector's Holy Book.

  "What sacrifices does Hector make?" I asked boldly.

  She tilted her head and took a deep breath, and reached out to bring my hair over my shoulder. "Hector makes many sacrifices. His life is lived with all of us in mind. Everything he does is for us. None of it is for him. For over twenty years, he's built Acadia, built our family, kept us strong and balanced."

  "What if . . . what if I loved someone other than Hector? What if I wished to marry someone else?" I asked softly.

  Hailey let go of my hands and put one finger under my chin, tilting my face up so she was looking into my eyes.

  "That's not what the foretelling says, Eden. You must obey the foretelling."

  I looked away. "The gods can't send every detail, I don't imagine," I repeated, picturing Calder bursting into the Temple to interrupt my marriage to Hector, scooping me up, and carrying me away. To where? That was the problem.

  "Eden—" Hailey started, a warning sound in her voice.

  "Don't worry, Hailey," I interrupted. "I'm always very obedient."

  She narrowed her eyes at me. She knew better than that. "Where do you go while I'm schooling the boys? I know you leave the lodge."

  I stood up and went to study my hair in the mirror, pretending to smooth it into place. The truth was, I couldn't care less what my hair looked like. "Just up into the hills to lie in the sun." I turned to her. "All my life, I've felt like a china doll sitting up on a dusty shelf. The sunshine makes me feel half alive."

  Hailey studied me for a minute. "Eden, I moved to the main lodge with Hector when I was nineteen years old. He's the only man I've ever been with. He's given me four boys and a life of peace. I have a role here, too. If a meaningful life is a measure of happiness, then yes, I'm happy," she said, answering my earlier question.

  "But who judges whether your life has meaning?" I asked boldly. "You or Hector?" I had never asked Hailey what her life had been like before she lived in Acadia and she had never offered that information.

  A door slammed below, and Hailey smiled and stood up. "He's here. Come, put a smile on your face and come downstairs to greet him. All your doubts w
ill melt away when you see the adoration on his face." Hailey smiled reassuringly and took my hand, and together we walked down the main staircase. If Hailey herself felt anything other than adoration, she didn't show it.

  We turned into the large two-story foyer and there he was. He turned toward us, and although he was still the same large, broad-shouldered man he'd always been, something about him looked older, more haggard than when he'd left. And I noticed that he looked softer around the middle, his shirt stretched over a small paunch. His smile was radiant, though, when he saw us.

  "Eden, Hailey, my loves," he greeted us, opening his arms wide and walking toward us.

  "Hector—" Hailey said.

  "Father—" I said at the same time.

  We looked at each other and smiled.

  We walked into Hector's embrace and he kissed the tops of our heads.

  "My girls," he said. "Now I finally feel at home. Eden, please, play something for me. It will do my heart good."

  I nodded and hurried to the piano. As I played, I pictured myself at the spring, lying on the grass with Calder, our hands grasped together, the noontime sun above us, warming our bodies. I let the melody surround the vision of us in my mind, the notes dancing over our skin.

  When the last note was played and I came back to myself, the room was quiet. I looked up to see Hector and Hailey staring at me.

  "Eden, your playing is even more beautiful than it was before I left. You must have been practicing very diligently."

  "Yes, Father," I said.

  Hector stood and came to sit down next to me on the piano bench. I scooted all the way to the edge to make room for him.

  "Eden, you must call me Hector now," he said. He ran one finger down the side of my cheek. I kept staring ahead. "We'll be married very soon. I'll be your father no longer."

  I didn't speak, couldn't speak. Hector continued to stare at my profile. Finally after what seemed like hours, he let out a shaky breath and said softly, "So sweet. Just what I needed." And then he stood.

  I looked up to see Hailey still seated with her eyes downcast.

  "Where are the boys?" Hector asked.

  "They're with Monica," she said. Monica was one of the council member's wives who helped Hailey with the boys once in a while.

  "Good," Hector said. "Come with me to my room. I'd like some time with you. Mother Miriam will be home later today and she can help me unpack."

  "Yes, Hector," Hailey said.

  They both turned and left me standing there. I wasn't sorry for the solitude. I returned to my room and brought my notebook out from under my bed and filled my head with the algebra I'd been learning with Calder.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Calder

  "Better?" I asked Maya, taking the glass of water from her lips and placing it on the table next to her. She nodded, her eyes sleepy. "Good."

  I smoothed her hair back from her face and she smiled at me. "Are there any more butterscotch candies?"

  I smiled at her. "No, you ate them all."

  She frowned slightly. "Maybe Eden will leave more for me today."

  "Maybe. You remember that's our secret, right? Eden would get in trouble if anyone knew she was giving you candy."

  She nodded. "I know. I can keep a secret."

  "I know you can."

  Maya closed her eyes for a minute and then opened them. "When I get to Elysium, Calder—"

  "Maya, you're not going to Elysium anytime soon."

  "I know, but when I do get there . . . well, will I be beautiful like Eden?" She looked up at me with her simple, trusting gaze.

  My heart squeezed as I looked down at that beloved face. "You're already beautiful, Maya."

  She shook her head and pursed her lips as if I was purposefully being difficult. "Will I be beautiful like Eden?"

  I knew what she was asking me and it broke my damn heart.

  I was quiet for a moment. "I think in Elysium, we'll get to be whatever we want to be, anything our hearts desire."

  Maya smiled softly at that. "Then I'm going to look just like Eden, and I'm going to be able to run as fast as a cheetah."

  I couldn't help but smile. Maya's heart was one of the sweetest and most wonderful things in my life. Who else would want those things? I could go with that. "Okay, then, I'm going to be as strong as a hundred oxen and I'm going to be able to fly."

  Maya laughed softly, but then it turned into a cough. Sometimes it sounded like she couldn't catch her breath. I gave her another sip of water and she leaned back on her pillow, smiling. "I think Elysium is going to be wonderful."

  I nodded. "As long as we're there together, it will be."

  Maya smiled again and then closed her eyes. "You get some sleep," I said quietly. "I'll be back in a couple hours."

  She nodded, but didn't open her eyes. I could hear her quiet snores as I ducked out of the healing tent, a large tented "room" close to the Temple. Maya's cough was markedly improved this time after the holy water and I said a silent prayer of thanks to the gods, most specifically the God of Mercy. I smiled to myself.

  My parents and I had been taking turns sitting with her night after night so she wouldn't be alone, but they were older than me and staying up all night took its toll on them, so most nights I volunteered. As a result, during the day I felt like the walking dead. I hated missing my time with Eden, but if I was going to be any good to Maya, I needed to sleep during my midday break. Maya didn't like the dark and I'd never let her stay alone in that small, unlit space in the evenings and through the night. She slept well with me there. But she was sleeping quite a bit during the day now, too, so she must have needed extra rest.

  I took a quick trip to the river, shed my shirt, and then used my hands to bring water over my head and chest, and then scrubbed at my face. I used my shirt to dry myself as well as I could, and then draped it around my neck. Feeling a little bit more refreshed, I walked back toward my cabin to get some breakfast.

  Glancing at the main lodge brought a sharp ache to my chest. I would have given anything to walk up there, stride right through the front door, and up to Eden's bedroom. I wanted to wrap her in my arms. I wanted her clean scent and her gentle voice to soothe me. I wanted her.

  But Hector was back now and I couldn't risk it. I had walked up to the main lodge yesterday and made an appointment with Hector for later this morning. I needed to show him my irrigation system. Thankfully, Hector was always open to meetings and enquiries from the workers. I needed to play my cards right, as a spot on the council was at risk. The rest of my life hung in the balance.

  Xander jogged up alongside me and I looked over at him, surprised.

  "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

  I shook my head. "Nah, it's okay."

  "How's Maya?"

  "Better this morning."

  Xander nodded his head once. "I went down to the spring and hung out with Eden for a little bit yesterday. It was nice to get her to myself for a little while. I'm really hoping that phrase we use, 'whatever I have, you have half,' applies to her, too."

  I froze in my tracks. Rage, hot and wild, shot through me, turning the world red. The next thing I knew, I had Xander up against the side of a worker cabin. "You were alone with Eden?" I gritted out.

  Xander put his hands up against the cabin, a huge grin spreading slowly over his face. "Whoa, it's even worse than I thought," he said, his grin, impossibly, growing bigger.

  "What's worse than you thought?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him and shoving him harder against the wall.

  "You. You're in love, killer. Deep."

  I let him go and stepped back quickly, my breath coming out in sharp exhales. I couldn't deny it. I'd tried to deny it. I wanted to deny it. Instead I laced my fingers behind my neck and looked up at the sky. I walked in a slow circle, getting my breathing under control. Finally, I stopped and just stared at Xander. "What am I gonna do? What in the hell am I gonna do?"

  Xander pursed his lips and all amusement fled from his
face. "I don't know, Calder. I wish I did."

  "Why'd you do that?" I demanded, my chest still rising and falling as my heartbeat slowed. I'd been ready to pulverize him.

  "Because it was time you admitted it to yourself."

  I stared at him, trying to maintain some kind of anger, even some annoyance, but finally, my shoulders sagged in defeat. "I'd already admitted it to myself. I just didn't want to say it out loud. Anything but that." Misery washed through me.

  He stepped forward and put a hand on my shoulder. "Aw, geez, Calder, I didn't mean to make this worse. I swear I didn't." He studied me for a minute. "It already is what it is though. And . . . whatever happens . . . brothers," he said, solemnly and put his fist out. I let out a breath and bumped his fist with my own.

  "Brothers."

  **********

  When I got back to our cabin, I went straight to the room where I slept and started pulling on my one other, clean shirt. I willed myself to put what Xander said out of my head for now.

  My parents were already out in the fields, but they weren't expecting me. They knew I was meeting with Hector. My parents didn't necessarily agree with my ambitions, but there wasn't anything they could do about it. My dad wasn't much of a talker anyway, and he seemed perfectly content with the life he led. His belief in Hector was unwavering. I'd never confide to him my ambitions stemmed from a desire for more of life in general, not just more of life in our small community. He wouldn't understand. To be perfectly honest, I didn't exactly understand it either. What was it about me that made me want more? What made me stand in our doorway night after night, staring out at the distant city lights, with fear, yes, but also with a strange longing in my gut? Maybe I could compare it to the way I felt when I looked at Eden—terrified and electrified all at once. This spot on the council could mean more than just a means of going outside Acadia . . .

  You're in love, killer. Deep.

  I saw what looked like the corner of a piece of paper sticking out from under my bedding and frowned. I picked up the lumpy pillow and there was a folded note with two butterscotch candies on top. I grinned. I unwrapped one quickly and popped it in my mouth, that familiar buttery sweetness bursting across my tongue.