As Lost as I Get

by Lisa Nicholas

  He sighed. “I was already on their shit list before I came to Colombia—it’s a long story. Suffice to say, even Janet can’t convince them I’m worth keeping around.”

  “Because of what you did for me?” Zoe’s heart sank. How many rules had he broken for her?

  “Not just you. I can’t put regulations ahead of people. That makes me a liability.”

  “Would you be happy though?” Would she, if she gave up the career she loved?

  His smile could have lit the room. “To me, my job has always been about keeping good people safe. I can’t think of anything better than helping keep doctors like you safer. Especially if it means keeping you, specifically, safer.”

  She leaned over and kissed him, touching his cheek. “I won’t be in Colombia forever, though. When my time here is up, I could wind up anywhere.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He brushed his nose against hers. “And anywhere you go, they’re going to need a security director of some sort. I think we can make it work. If you wanted to.”

  “Yeah,” Zoe breathed. “Let’s do it.”

  ***

  “I just wish you’d let me host the wedding here,” Maureen Wheeler said, for about the third time that Zoe could remember. “The gardens would be absolutely beautiful in the autumn.”

  Zoe glanced sidelong at Lee and he flashed her a grin.

  “Mom, if we did that, you’d miss a trip to England, and Gwen has her heart set on marrying in the church she was christened in.” Lucas Wheeler was a mirror image of his twin, if the mirror added a leather jacket, longer hair, and what Zoe was almost positive was a touch of eyeliner. It was a little eerie.

  Gwen was a petite blonde with a no-nonsense manner, an English accent, and a fiancé she had completely wrapped around her finger. She smiled and squeezed Lucas’s hand. “He’s right, I’m afraid. And my mother would be heartbroken.”

  “Well,” fretted Maureen, “London is lovely in the fall . . .”

  “I’m just thrilled about the bridal shower,” Gwen said, giving Lucas a wry smile that Zoe recognized as a sign of humoring the parents.

  “Oh yes, there are so many people I must introduce you to tomorrow, Gwen—and you too, Zoe,” Maureen said. “My boys, finally settling down . . .”

  “Mom!” both boys protested, and Gwen and Zoe exchanged smiles.

  When Lee had mentioned his family lived near D.C., he hadn’t mentioned that they lived in an enormous seventeenth-century mansion that came with a name and its own docent, but fortunately Zoe and Gwen had been exchanging emails and Gwen gave her plenty of warning. “Neither of these two has any idea how damned intimidating that house is, so I thought I’d let you know.”

  Zoe liked Gwen immensely, and Lucas, once she’d managed to look past the rock star image she was used to from the tabloids. It turned out that Médecins International was one of Maureen Wheeler’s favorite charities, so they’d hit it off well, and she didn’t seem to have any qualms about Zoe’s skin color. Tomorrow, at a bridal shower full of the old-money families of Virginia, who knew how it would go, but Zoe trusted Lee, and that was the most important part.

  “I’m disappointed in you, big brother.” Lucas leaned over the table while Maureen was telling Gwen exactly who she’d be meeting at the bridal shower. “All that talk about serving your country, and you ditch the CIA as soon as a pretty face comes along.”

  “Hey, you’ve ditched a lot of things for less,” Lee said. “Besides, you’re the one getting married, so you get to be the respectable brother for a while. I’ll be the crazy one off living in sin in the jungle.”

  “Just . . . don’t aim for the same level of crazy as me, okay?” Lucas raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure Mom could take it. And I’m pretty sure Zoe wouldn’t put up with it.”

  “Not if half the stories I’ve heard are true, no.” Zoe gave them both a smile. “I love you,” she said to Lee, “but I have limits.”

  “Warning received.” Lee leaned down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll behave myself.”

  Lucas made a disgusted noise. “Look at us, man. We’re domesticated.”

  “Yeah,” Lee said. “Isn’t it great?”

  Zoe watched as Lucas glanced at Gwen, who shot him a “rescue me from this conversation” smile, then turned back to his brother. “Yeah, I think we’re pretty lucky.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  A second book is in some ways harder than the first. (“Second” only in the sense of “second published”; I have several finished books on my shelf that never, ever deserve to see the light of day.) There’s a question of how to top what you already wrote, but also how to do more of what your publisher (and your readers) liked the first time around. Hopefully I’ve done that! I knew after writing my first book, The Farther I Fall, that writing Lucas’s brother Lee’s story would be very different in some ways, since the two men are so different.

  Lee’s story, as it turned out, required a lot more research. I am not a doctor or a spy, nor have I ever been to Colombia, so I had a lot of ground to cover. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I was able to find a lot of sources I might not have been able to find otherwise, all from the comfort of my desk.

  For assistance with all things medical, I am indebted to my friend Katy Burgess, a nurse and writer. She helped me fine-tune some details and gave me ideas for common illnesses and injuries my medical team might come across on a regular basis. Any mistakes or inaccuracies are purely mine and are either accidental or a deliberate attempt to ignore truth in favor of story.

  Similarities between Médecins International and Médecins Sans Frontières (commonly known in the U.S. as Doctors Without Borders) are not entirely coincidental. Aside from the MSF name being trademarked, I learned quickly in my research that the way MSF works and the way I wanted Zoe’s organization to work were fairly different, so I created my own fictional organization and took some liberties with it. That said, I learned a tremendous amount about what it might be like to live as a doctor overseas from their material.

  In particular, I have to mention the extraordinary documentary by Mark Hopkins, Living in Emergency, which colored everything about how I approached Zoe and her coworkers’ experiences. Dr. Chiara Lepora, the Head of Mission depicted in the film, had a lot of traits I already knew I wanted Zoe to have. Zoe’s comment about viewing the world as a car wreck that needed her help originated with Dr. Lepora. I was also intrigued (and horrified) by the patient with the long-neglected hernia, who of course, inspired Tia Yana and her predicament. If you have any interest in learning about what the real MSF does, I highly recommend tracking this documentary down and watching it.

  I played a little more fast and loose with my research into the CIA. I didn’t want to delve too deeply into politics (Tom Clancy I am not), and mostly wanted a decent reason for Lee to a) have rescued Zoe in Mexico, and b) be in Colombia at the same time as her. In particular, I found Henry Crumpton’s The Art of Intelligence: Lessons from a Life in the CIA’s Clandestine Service helpful, although Mr. Crumpton would probably be horrified at the liberties I have taken here.

  For my setting, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the website Colombia Journal (colombiajournal.org), and every single tourist who visited Inírida and documented their travels online. In particular, YouTube videos of the town and of boat travel along the Rio Inírida were especially helpful, since I am a visual person, and seeing it helped me describe it more clearly. For the political end of things, I watched more documentaries than I can list here, on everything from the era of the drug cartels to all the nature documentaries I could get my hands on. And I would be entirely remiss if I didn’t mention the website My Colombian Recipes (mycolombianrecipes.com) for providing me with a truly mouthwatering collection of local foods, and giving me a determination to someday try and make my own arepas de huevos. (Hopefully no one will need to call the fire department!)

  Thanks to
Julia Tagan, who was a fantastic critique partner this go-around. And thanks as always to Kristine Swartz at Penguin Random House, my amazing agent Jennifer Udden, and to you, without whom none of this would have happened.

  Lisa Nicholas is the author of The Farther I Fall. If she’s not writing, she’s feeding her story addiction any way she can: raiding Netflix, pillaging her local bookstore and library, and (most recently) tearing her way through the comics archive at Marvel.

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