My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to jump down your throat. I just hate being judged based on my appearance, and that’s how it’s been my entire life. My sister and her friends were merciless because they were jealous of me. My parents divorced when I was seventeen and my mom stayed behind with Katja, while my father and I came to America. I was always a daddy’s girl. He was extremely protective of me after we moved here, to the point of nearly locking me in my room to keep me safe. He knew what the boys wanted from me. In order to make sure I ended up with someone he approved of, he tried to arrange a marriage. He sent me on a date with an evil pig when I was only nineteen. The asshole took me to a nice restaurant to show me off in front of all his friends. He was acting like the big important man with his new young toy. He reached out and squeezed my breast and I punched him in the face. Hard. His lip started bleeding and he raised his fist to smack me. He never made contact. Do you know why? My Vasily was also at the restaurant that night and saw the whole incident as it was unfolding. He stomped over and grabbed the man before he could touch me anymore. Vasily pummeled the son-of-a-bitch until he begged for mercy. Vasily calmed me down and offered to take me home. I didn’t want to go home. I had a shot at freedom and I wasn’t about to let it slip away. We walked all over the city that night and talked about ourselves. He was amazing. He didn’t try anything with me. He was so sweet. He told me I was brave and beautiful. Not sexy or any derogatory term. I felt a connection to him that I couldn’t ignore. When I finally arrived home, I explained the situation to my father. I demanded to be allowed to date whomever I wanted. I told him that I would NOT be pawned off on any of his pig friends and if I couldn’t be with Vasily, then I would run away and never come back. He had never heard me talk like this before and he didn’t know how to handle my rebellion. After he checked Vasily’s background and decided that he was acceptable, we were allowed to date. We eloped after three months, with Dmitry as the best man. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. Dmitry and Vasily started working for my uncle and that’s how we all met Rocky and Sergio. Where was I going with all this? Ah, yes. Appearances can be deceiving. I might have a pretty face but it’s come with a price. Men try to hit on me and women hate me. This car is from my father, trying to buy my love. The clothes are from him too. I have to keep them because Vasily wants me to have nice things but he can’t afford to give them to me. If he sees a full closet, then he doesn’t feel pressure to buy me clothes. I’ve told him a million times that all I need in this life is him, but I don’t think it sinks in.”

  Wow. I would never have guessed that Irina had it so tough. I can’t imagine having such a shitty family. Thank goodness she found Vasily when she did, or who knows what path her life might have taken. “I’m sorry to burden you with all this,” she continued, “But it’s just me and all these guys and I don’t have anyone to talk to sometimes. You’re a good listener.”

  She pulled up to a sub sandwich shop and parked the car. It was a tiny place at the end of a tree lined street. I could see about four tables in the window. Most of the orders must have been “to go” instead of “eat in.”

  “Hey, anytime you want to talk I’m here for you. I had no idea your life was so complicated. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to open up to me about it. I’m sorry for judging you based on a first impression and not taking the time to get to know who you really are. You’re very remarkable, you know that?” She was pretty brave in my opinion.

  “I’m not extraordinary at all,” she insisted, unwilling to accept a compliment. “I have a taste for a sandwich, is this place ok?”

  “This is fine,” I said, “but you should realize how cool you are. You don’t take people’s shit, you make your own choices, and the advice you offer is very helpful!” I hoped Irina knew that I thought she was a good person.

  She smiled and we walked in and looked at the menu board. We ordered sub sandwiches and I forced her to let me pay. I used the excuse that she drove so I should foot the bill. I promised that she could take care of the tab next time and she accepted that.

  “I’m happy that you would hang out with me again, Violet. I can be sort of intimidating to some people.” Really? Hadn’t noticed that at all! We sat at a yellow booth and chatted while we ate. She casually brought up a new topic. “How are things going with Rocky?”

  “If you don’t count the ass I made of myself last night, they’re just great! I almost royally fucked things up with him.”

  Irina frowned and picked up her sandwich. “Tell me what happened.”

  “It was so stupid that it pains me to even discuss it. Are you sure you want to hear this? I can’t make any story short, you know.” I couldn’t. I have a good memory and I tend to repeat things in great detail.

  “Yeah, I’m good at solving relationship problems. I like to watch daytime TV. What’s the story?”

  “I have issues. I tend to obsess over every little aspect and freak out about meaningless things instead of just relaxing and being normal. I don’t have a big family. It’s just my mom and I. We’re pretty close. I’ve been telling her about Rocky and how I really like him. She lectured me about not rushing into things and getting too involved with someone I only met a few weeks ago. That’s also her polite way of advising me not to have sex too soon. I’m actually divorced and I wasted quite a few years of my life on someone who fucked me over. I don’t want to get hurt again. There’s some saying about ‘those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.’ I freaked out that maybe things were moving too fast with Rocky and I didn’t want to make reckless choices. My ex-husband was the first guy to pay attention to me and I jumped in without thinking, blind to the kind of person he really was. I was young and let him walk all over me and make every decision. I’m older and wiser and won’t allow that to happen again. That probably makes no sense. I just want someone who is an equal partner, not someone who’s going to tell me what to do.”

  “Ok, I think I follow you so far. Why did you make an ass of yourself?” Irina questioned.

  “My date with Rocky got put on hold so we could help my best friend Stella with a plumbing problem. Stella had also cautioned me to slow down with Rocky until she actually met him and realized how awesome he is. She asked me why the hell we hadn’t had sex yet. I told her that she was on one side preaching at me to do it, while my mom was on the other side warning me NOT to. Rocky heard our whole conversation about ‘to fuck or not to fuck, that is the question’ and he did not take too kindly to the whole thing.” I sighed in frustration.

  “Do you think subconsciously you might be worried that you’re not good enough for Rocky? You’re sabotaging things so he’ll push you away and it will end before you get hurt? We all have insecurities Violet, the key is to squash them before they take over.” I can only say I did NOT see that coming. She should be a psychiatrist.

  “Whoa, Irina, that was really deep. You would make a great counselor.”

  “No, thanks. People are annoying. If I was forced to hear their whining all day, I’d punch them in the face. I don’t mean you, I mean strangers. I like your problems. They’re easy to solve.” I’m glad she clarified that. “So your main problem is whether or not to fuck Rocky, right? Or is it about getting serious too fast? Which is it?” she demanded.

  “I would like to have him as my official boyfriend. I just had a minor freak out over it but now I’m good. It takes me a minute to warm up to new things. The major issue was WHEN, not IF, to fuck him. I slept on it and I solved the problem on my own. I’m going to do it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. How long did you wait to have sex with Vasily? Was he your first?” I wondered about that.

  She started laughing pretty loudly and I guess that was my answer. “I waited two dates to have sex with Vasily after my father gave him permission to court me. My father would have murdered him if he knew. Our first official date was at a restaurant and I had my period that day. Otherwise I would have fucked him on the first date. Our second date was a
movie. We went pretty far in the theater and finished it off at his place later. It was absolutely perfect. He was not my first. I got experience with boys in school back in the Ukraine. When my parents were married, they were focused more on their fights and less about managing their daughters. It was wild back then. I got into lots of trouble and they were clueless to most of it. So there is no right or wrong answer on when to fuck. If it feels right, do it. Easy, huh?”

  “You make everything so plain and simple. I like that! You’re really good with advice. Thank you.” I appreciated her words of wisdom.

  “Thanks for buying lunch. We’re even. What do you want to do now? Do you have plans with Rocky later?”

  “Yes. There’s a surprise birthday party for someone I know. Rocky’s my date. He’s not due at my house until six tonight,” I explained.

  “Great. Then I think we’ll go shopping this afternoon. We can buy you some lingerie for WHEN, not IF, you decide it’s time with Rocky. I’m always dressing up for Vasily so I can use some new stuff too.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Do you mind if we stop and buy condoms at some point today?” I suggested with a devilish grin. She nodded her head and smirked. Yeah, just a normal day…eating sub sandwiches with my new supermodel friend and taking her corvette to go shopping for lingerie and condoms. Holy hell, who WAS I?

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  I was a bit surprised when we pulled up to an XXX Porn Erotica store. I actually figured we’d go to an upscale department store or something. “This is where you shop for lingerie?” I asked.

  “Yes, Violet. This is the only place in the whole town that has a decent selection. I could go anywhere and get a frilly negligee. That’s not going to do it for Vasily. His tastes lean more toward the exotic. We have a thing for role playing.” I so did NOT need to know that. Now I had to go inside because she was my ride, she was already OUT of the car, and I didn’t want her to think I was a prude. I guess I would be okay if I didn’t touch anything.

  Irina purposefully marched right over to the clothing section while I hesitantly following her. There were a handful of other people in the store. I suppose Saturday is one of the busier times for customers. The clientele consisted of two older ladies giggling by the sex toy section, a younger couple checking out the movie selection, and two other guys in different parts of the store. Irina grabbed some outfits and looked at me, waiting to see what I’d choose. I stared at her and admitted, “Um…I don’t think I’m ready for all of this yet.”

  She shook her head at me in disappointment and directed me to the condom section. “Well, at least you can get some of those since we’re here.”

  After meandering over and seeing a large array of novelty condoms, I was not impressed. There were condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and flavors. Some were extra-large, some were extra-small, and some were extra thin for maximum pleasure. There were ribbed condoms and bacon condoms and condoms with cartoon characters. I saw neon condoms and camouflage condoms. There was no way in hell I was using any of these. They were probably just jokes and not really trustworthy. All I wanted was something to prevent disease and pregnancy, not something that tasted like bacon. Although I did actually consider that one just to try it. I was impressed with the idea of a bacon condom.

  Irina came out of the dressing room and told me that only one outfit was even worth considering. She had me hold onto it while she took more into the changing room. There I stood, with a French maid uniform slung over my shoulder. I whipped out my phone and texted Stella.

  “I’m at a porn store with a Russian supermodel who’s currently trying on lingerie. Did you know bacon condoms are actually a thing?”

  Who else could I text while I wait? I know JUST the person. Let’s have some fun with Rocky.

  “Hey, is Sergio nearby? Irina and I are at the XXX store and she’s trying on lingerie. I told her my favorite but I need a second opinion. Do you want pictures?”

  It was only a matter of time to see who texted back first. Of course it was Rocky.

  “She took you WHERE?!?”

  I started laughing so loud that Irina poked her head out and asked me what the hell was going on. I tried to explain.

  “Sergio might think I have a thing for the ladies because I pointed out some hot ones. So I texted Rocky that you’re trying on lingerie and I have a favorite but we need Sergio to give us his opinion.”

  “I see. That would explain why he was trying to get us to kiss at the bar the other night. Do you like girls?”

  “I can appreciate a pretty one, but I don’t want to switch teams,” I clarified. “Have you ever…you know...with a girl?”

  “Of course I have. Everyone has to try out different things to know what gets them going. I explored my options when I went to an all-girls school for a while. It was good clean fun but I like boys better. I’m not going to ask you if you’ve ever experimented. The fact that you won’t even touch anything in this whole store pretty much answers that question. You have to lighten up a little, Violet. The world isn’t such a bad place. Think outside the box and free your mind!” She walked out of the dressing room wearing only a naughty nurse uniform. “Now you can say you saw me in a costume so you don’t have to lie about it. What do you think?”

  “It’s ok. Nurse and French maid are boring stereotypes. Don’t they have anything unique?”

  “I already have a closet full of clothes. There are no new ideas. How about you? Did you find some condoms?”

  “No, they look weird. I’m pretty sure some of them would give me a rash down there!” She rolled her eyes as my phone rang. It was Rocky. “Violet, where ARE you?”

  “Irina took me to the porn store to look for naughty outfits but it’s kind of skeevy and I don’t want to touch anything. Sergio keeps picking on me about liking girls so I figured my text would fuck with his head. Did you know they make bacon flavored condoms?” I blurted.

  “Put Irina on the phone RIGHT NOW.”

  I handed Irina the phone and she said, “Rocky, we’re having a ladies day out and you’re not a lady.” She promptly hung up on him. She then turned to me and said, “Violet, quit tattling on me. This store clearly is NOT for you. Let’s go somewhere geared toward your comfort zone.”

  We ended up at our local big box superstore where you could find anything and everything. Irina was oblivious to the stares of every single person who we walked past. No one in this town was used to seeing someone who looked like her, and certainly no one dressed like her. I led her over to the Halloween aisle. It was only September but all the decorations were out already. I got hit with an inspiration, like a bolt of lightning to the head.

  “Irina, I have an idea. You always dress up for Vasily, right?” She nodded her head. “And you like to role play, right?” Again she nodded. “Maybe it’s time that Vasily dressed up for you.”

  I pointed to a men’s sailor costume. “What’s that book you’re reading that has you all hot and bothered? ‘The Lusty Sailor’? Well, why don’t you buy this for Vasily and he can be your lusty sailor? Maybe you need to think outside the box and free your mind?” She looked at the costume and then looked back at me. Her eyes lit up and she began to jump up and down while clapping her hands.

  “Violet, my friend, you’re truly awesome. That’s a great idea. It’s about damn time that HE dresses up for ME. I’m sorry for thinking you were lame at the porn shop. Under that boring and prudish exterior lies a tiger waiting to strike.”

  I guess I could take that as a compliment. “It’s okay Irina, I like your problems. They’re easy to solve.”

  I fixed one of my own issues by taking a detour down the condom aisle. I chose a twelve count package of a brand that I was familiar with. They were safe and effective and not flavored. With a sigh of relief, I headed to the checkout.

  We were both very happy with our purchases and headed out to the car. My phone rang again as we were driving back to Grim Rock. This time it
was Stella.

  “Violet, I got a weird text from your phone. Is everything ok?”

  I laughed and responded, “Yeah, I’m in Irina’s corvette and we just finished buying sexy costumes and condoms. What’s up?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” she demanded.

  I put the phone aside and told Irina, “My friend Stella is on the phone and she thinks I’m on drugs. Can you talk to her and assure her that I’m not crazy?”

  Irina nodded her head and I put Stella on speaker phone so she could still drive with both hands. “Hello, Violet’s friend. This is Irina. I’m not going to lie to you, Violet is a bit crazy. She got totally weirded out at the porn store. How do you put up with her being so squeamish and strait-laced all the time?”

  “Some days are more trying than others, but what are you going to do? That’s just how she is. She said you guys are buying condoms. Please tell me that means you convinced her to finally put out for Rocky?” What the hell? Now they were ganging up on me?

  “Yes, I think she made up her mind about that. They could both use a dirty fuck to clean out their pipes. It’s been far too long for both of them.” Well I’m glad we’re all agreeable here.

  “Ok,” I interrupted, “that’s enough out of both of you. Stella, I’ll see you tonight at the party and we can discuss it later. Bye!”

  I hung up the phone as we approached the brewery and Irina pulled into the driveway. “Your friend seems fun, Violet. If she’s anything like you, then I’d like to meet her. I need a group of girlfriends to hang out with.”

  “She’s fun, but I don’t think there’s anyone quite like me. Stella is way more normal than I am. I’ll have to arrange a girl’s night out or something.”

  As we walked into the building, I saw Rocky talking to Sergio at the front desk.

  “There you are,” he greeted me. “I was getting worried that Irina corrupted you.”

  Before I got a chance to reply, she explained, “No, Rocky, it is SHE who corrupts ME. She picked out the costume that I ended up buying and she gave me a naughty little idea to go with it.” Irina put her arm around my waist and kissed me on the cheek. She winked at Sergio and warned, “You have to watch out for this one. Under the mild mannered exterior, she’s really wild.”