My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Rocky sighed in frustration. “I have to spell everything out for you and you still don’t believe me. I like you. I am your boyfriend. You are my girlfriend. We are in a relationship. I want to spend all my time with you. I think you’re beautiful. I want to have lots of sex with you for a very long time. I want you to know that. There is no one else for me, only you.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered as I touched his chest and ran my fingers up and down, gently stroking. I was too ashamed to look at him when I explained myself. “You’re so far out of my league that I can’t even put it into words. I’m amazed that you’re here with me now. It still hasn’t sunk in yet. I want to keep pinching myself to make sure this isn’t simply the best dream I ever had. I don’t want to be the clingy girl that needs constant reassurance of how you feel. I’m doing my best to be cool to keep up with you. That’s why I make jokes. I’m trying to be nonchalant on the outside, but on the inside, every time you look at me it’s a struggle not to giggle and do a happy dance around the room. When you laugh at something I say and your eyes light up...it’s the best feeling in the world to know I’m the cause of that. When I took a wrong turn two weeks ago and got lost at your place…it wasn’t wrong at all because I found you. It was the best detour in the world.” I dared a glance at Rocky to see how he was handling my confession. He was staring at me speechless. I shyly smiled and he pulled me into his arms.

  “Violet, this isn’t a dream. You’re the realest thing I’ve ever had,” he whispered. We stayed there for a moment in silence. I rested my head on his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. The only other sound was our breathing. In and out. In perfect sync. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. I could get used to having all these perfect moments. I’ll be damned if the phone didn’t ring again. This time it was my mother.

  “Shh, it’s my mom!” I exclaimed while starting to panic.

  “Hello!” I tried to sound as awake as possible and not like someone still in bed with her conquest from the night before.

  “Good morning, Violet. Am I waking you up?” she asked in an odd tone.

  “Nope, I am wide awake and ready to start my day. What’s up?” Shit, too cheerful. I better tone it down a notch.

  “I was just wondering how the party was last night and what plans you have for today?”

  “The party was very nice. I ate a lot of shrimp and danced with Stella and Rocky. Marjorie was surprised and she certainly seemed to enjoy herself. We had a great time. As for my plans today, I’m really not sure. Just the usual grocery shopping and doing laundry.”

  Rocky started sucking on my breast and I had to give him a hard whack to the chest. He let out an “Oof” and I gave him a dirty look and waved my hand at him to shut up.

  “Well dear, I won’t keep you from whatever it is that you have going on today. I was just checking in. Have a good day, ok?” That was almost too easy. “By the way,” she added, “I really hope you used those condoms that I saw on your kitchen table yesterday. Tell Rocky I said hello and I hope he didn’t mind your snoring too much.”

  I started to sputter and Rocky erupted in laughter. She hung up the phone and I yelled at him. “What the FUCK was that? Have you no decency? I can’t talk to my mom when you’re sucking on my tits!”

  “It’s obvious that she knew what was going on. Who puts condoms right on the kitchen table when they know their mom is coming over? You did it to yourself, miss stealthy!”

  “I’m surprised she didn’t yell at me and try to give me a lecture. If I’m not allowed to go ice fishing because I’ll fall in and drown, then how is sex with someone I’ve only known for a few weeks totally permissible?”

  “She’s your mom, why the hell are you asking me? Speaking of having sex with someone you’ve only known a few weeks…for being an uptight neurotic Violet-y girl, you seem to be holding up pretty well. Are you really ok? I mean I did share your bed last night and I probably got my germs on it.”

  “Yes, Rocky. I’m fine. I tend to freak out about little things, not the big ones. As for your germs in my bed…I’d rather your germs be in MY bed, then some other person’s bed. I don’t like to share my boyfriend with anyone else. We ARE in a relationship, you know. Your germs belong in my bed.”

  He grabbed me and smacked me on the ass while hollering, “Damn right!”

  After I caught my breath, I suggested, “How about pancakes for breakfast? I can make a pretty decent pancake. Are you in?”

  “Yes, I was in last night. So in payment for that, you should definitely make me pancakes.” Fucker! “But I want to see you make them while naked,” he clarified.

  “That’s not gonna happen in any way, shape, or form.” I got out of bed and put on an oversized T shirt and underwear.

  “Fine, then,” he said, “I’ll eat them naked. You’ll be the one who’s over dressed for breakfast and you’ll have to live with that embarrassment.” I shook my head and proceeded to go to the kitchen to start breakfast. True to his word, Rocky came out stark naked to sit at the kitchen table and watch me. I have never laughed so hard while cooking in my entire life. I almost burned the pancakes. Especially after he came up behind me and dry humped me while I flipped them over. Never a dull moment with this one.

  We sucked down the pancakes in record time. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was. That was a lot of work last night. What are your plans for today?” Rocky asked.

  “Exactly what I told my mom that I do every Sunday. I go to the grocery store and do laundry. What are you doing?”

  “I have to go back to my place to shower and get some fresh clothes. I was hoping you would come with me. Then we can do what you already have planned. We can go to the grocery store and you can do my laundry.”

  “Go fuck yourself! You can do your own laundry,” I loudly protested.

  “Oh no, no, no. After your performance last night, there’s no way I’m going back to fucking myself. You earned yourself that job from now on. Congratulations!” Rocky beamed at me. I shook my head. What had I gotten myself into?

  “Here’s the deal,” I explained. “You have to go to the grocery store in your clothes from last night. Consider it your walk of shame. Then we can go back to your place for you to shower and change. I want to see what your apartment looks like anyway. Sergio told me about the secret door. I still don’t believe him. I need to find out for myself.”

  “As a matter of fact, Sergio was not lying. I do have a secret door. I’ll show it to you if you go to the store like that,” he bargained. “Exactly like you are now with just a T shirt, panties, and no bra.”

  “So you want other dudes checking out your girlfriend’s sagging tits? I didn’t know that turned you on. I’m finding out so much today.”

  “Touché. You win. Go get dressed and we can get the hell out of here.”

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  The trip to the grocery store was pretty uneventful. Unless you consider the fact that every single female, and even a couple guys, had to stop and stare at Rocky the whole entire time. It’s not every day that tantalizing bad boys show up in the bakery department dressed to the nines and wearing a Rolex. He wore his exact outfit from the night before, minus the underwear. After informing me that he would never wear briefs again because of my mocking, he mooned me to prove he was going commando today. This happy-go-lucky version of Rocky was starting to terrify me.

  “Are you so happy today because you just got laid, or is there some other reason?” I inquired as we strolled down the pasta aisle. I was dressed casually in jeans, a t-shirt with the logo of our state football team, and a baseball hat to hide my hideous uncombed hair. Rocky argued that it wasn’t fair if I showered since he didn’t get to change his clothes, and there was no managing my mop after the sweaty workout from the previous night.

  “I’m happy for several reasons. I’m dressed very flashy, which is my preferred style for the grocery store on Sunday. I had a sizzling date last night, which c
ould have not gone any better in my opinion. I’m in the company of not just any girl, but MY girl. Most of all, I’m overjoyed at the liberating feeling of not having any underwear on to constrict me. If I want to bang you down the frozen food aisle, there’s no layer of underwear to come between us. I’m free as a bird, baby!” Did I say Rocky was starting to terrify me? Consider me completely horrified.

  “I’m pretty sure there are more than a few legal issues with you banging me down the frozen food aisle, but thanks for the offer.” I shook my head and asked, “Do you need anything since we’re here, or are we just getting the items on my list?” Maybe I could get him to focus on the task at hand instead of wild escapades in the freezer case.

  “I need to find some ingredients for dinner. Would you like to come over tonight? I’m not a bad cook and I can make you ‘Pasta ala Rocky’ to pay you back for breakfast. How does that sound?” Rocky looked at me hopefully, pushing the cart with one hand while the other rested on the small of my back.

  “What are the ingredients in ‘Pasta ala Rocky’?” It really didn’t matter. If he cut up celery and put it on a cracker, I’d still come over. Who turns down an invitation when their boyfriend offers to make dinner? Not me! Unless it was tacos, sweet potatoes, or squash. I have limits.

  “I can’t tell you. It’s a Barsot...um…it’s an old family secret. I’d have to kill you if I told you,” he mumbled and walked ahead of me down the aisle. I wondered what a Barsot was? Is that an ingredient? I hoped it wasn’t spicy.

  Rocky started throwing ingredients in the cart and we had to double back and go down several aisles that we’d already been in. I grabbed a loaf of Italian bread and he added another one to the cart. “Sometimes on Sunday, all of us get together for a nice dinner. That was the tradition with our families back in New York and we try to keep it alive here too. It makes it easier here,” he explained.

  “Who comes over? Should we have salad and a dessert too? How much food do we need?” I could make dessert!

  “It’s usually Sergio, Vasily, Irina, and Dmitry. They don’t all come over every weekend. If they have nothing else to do, then they stop by. It doesn’t matter to me because it gives me leftovers for a few days. It’s always pasta of some sort and the Russians always complain because they get stuck eating Italian food.”

  “Why don’t they cook something Russian then?”

  “Have you ever eaten Russian food?” he asked.

  “No,” I admitted.

  “Yeah, there’s a reason for that!”

  With a full cart, we made our way to the checkout lines. Thankfully, there was only one person ahead of us. I started unloading my groceries on the conveyor belt and put the separator bar in between the items that were mine and the ones that belonged to Rocky.

  “What are you doing?” he objected and took the bar away. “This is ONE order, not two. I’m paying, don’t argue with me.”

  “You’re not paying for my fucking groceries. This isn’t like a date where you’re picking up the tab for a movie or dinner. This is a daily expense.” I was not letting him pay.

  “Do you hear yourself? You’re freaking out because I want to pay for your milk and some frozen French fries. What’s the big deal? Why are you so stubborn about it?” he grumbled.

  “I am a grown-ass adult with her own money. I don’t need anyone paying my way. I am not poor, thank goodness, and I have the luxury of being able to buy whatever I want. If you pay for stuff, I feel like you’re the one in control giving me an allowance. I don’t like that. Loss of control gives me major anxiety.”

  “It’s not like I’m ever going to hold it over you, Violet. Is that what you think? I’m buying you a three dollar jar of peanut butter so I expect you to do anal?”

  I laughed at that, even though I was mad at him. “First of all, I’m not doing anal because one of my rules was that nothing goes up my ass and that includes your dick. Second of all, I want this relationship to be equal. No one is the boss of anyone else. With my ex…he made all the decisions and he made all the money and we had to do what he wanted all the time. I’m not comparing him to you because he’s a cock-sucker and you’re not. I’m just saying that I wasn’t happy when he told me what to do and bought me stupid jewelry that I didn’t want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to buy me stuff. You don’t have to buy me shit. I’m here for YOU, not what you can give me. Unless it’s a pile of orgasms. I’ll take those.” I finished with a smile, hoping he understood me and he wasn’t offended. I looked at him expectantly for a response that never came. He simply stared down at me like I was an alien with three heads. He blinked a few times and shook his head very slowly, as if in amazement. I dug my credit card out of my purse and waited to see what came next. I honestly expected him to argue with what I just said, but instead he pulled me into a giant kiss and wouldn’t let go. The cashier started to cough, signaling that she was done ringing up our items and wanted payment. Or maybe she meant that this was the grocery store and not a hotel room. I’m not sure. I managed to break away long enough to hand over my credit card. Evidently I was buying all the groceries today. I pushed the cart out to Rocky’s Mustang while he continued to stare at me speechless.

  “You’re making me nervous. What the hell?” I asked in a worried tone.

  He hesitated before answering. “I have a history with people that...how can I say this...are only with me to see what they can get from me. The fact that you refuse to let me even buy you a can of peas…it blows my mind.”

  It blew my mind trying to piece together that sentence with all the pauses in it. I started to make a snappy comeback but I remembered that he got upset when he was being serious and I made a joke. With the expression on his face, it was perfectly clear that he could not have been more somber. Ok. I would go the solemn route too.

  “Rocky, I just want you to know that my intentions are pure. I’m only here for you. You don’t need to worry that I’m trying to get anything from you, ok? I’m not that type of person at all.”

  I put my hands on either side of his face and stood on my tippy toes to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed. This had gotten awfully profound. Where was the Rocky from twenty minutes ago who was trying to have a quickie in the frozen food aisle? I hope he would open up to me more and tell me what this was all about. “The people who used you to see what they can get...none of them are here in Pineville, are they?” I hoped he wasn’t talking about any of his friends. I liked them all.

  “No. I meant people from back East. We’re having a good day, I don’t want to talk about that life, ok?” He put the cart back and we dropped the subject. With as much as I thought I knew about Rocky, clearly there was more buried beneath the surface.

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  We were finally on the way back to Rocky’s apartment after stopping at my house to unload the groceries, taking a lengthy unproductive trip the video rental store, and hitting a quick drive thru for a late lunch. The video store took over an hour since Rocky had to hold up what felt like every movie in the entire place and ask me if I’d seen it. He liked action movies and scary movies, while I liked apocalyptic scenarios and comedies. We couldn’t agree on one single movie and the ones that were halfway decent…well one of us had already seen them before. I was growing impatient and made him choose since I didn’t really give a shit. I was always more about TV shows anyway. I had bad taste in movies. Anything that looked good from the previews turned out to suck if I rented it. I trusted his judgement. I let him pay for it too, to show what a good sport I was. I got a text from Irina while we waited in line to rent the movie.

  “How did it go last night? Did you do the deed? Did you fuck like wild monkeys until one of you lost consciousness? Sergio said Rocky never came home, so I’m thinking that’s a good sign. Irina”

  I love Irina. Seriously. Who else talks like that?

  “Hey, Rocky,” I whispered in his ear, “have you ever fucked like a wild monkey unt
il you lost consciousness?” I managed to say the whole sentence and only lost my shit on the last word. That’s quite an accomplishment.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” he demanded. I showed him the text and he shook his head. “I love how they all have to keep tabs on me and get in my business. Those fuckers gossip worse than ninety year old ladies.“

  He handed me a five dollar bill and instructed, “Please pay for the movie, I have stuff to handle here.” I looked at him quizzically while he began furiously tapping at his cell phone. With a satisfied grin, he showed me what he’d just sent to Sergio AND Irina:

  “You would NOT believe the night I had. I just regained consciousness after fucking like a wild monkey. I think Violet drugged me. I’m somewhere on the edge of town. I’m standing here naked. She took my clothes and my wallet. I don’t know where I am. Fuck. Come and find me.”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard! I took your clothes and your wallet but not your phone? Am I a moron? Why did I drug you? That story has more holes than Swiss cheese!” Come on!

  “Fine. Just a minute.” Tap Tap Tap. Send. “Is that better, miss stickler for details?” he asked as he shoved his phone at me.

  “In case you were wondering why I still have my phone, I found it shoved up my ass.”

  I burst out laughing. “Yeah, that’s so much more believable!”

  Irina immediately texted Rocky back:

  “I see you two are still with each other so Violet must be doing something right. Tell her good job.”

  We got halfway back to Rocky’s apartment before he got a reply from Sergio:

  “Ha Ha. Fuck off. For someone who just got laid, you should have a better sense of humor.”

  Rocky rolled his eyes and speculated, “I think half this fucking town knows we had sex last night. Between Stella, your mom, and all my friends, we might as well take out an ad in the paper.” I didn’t really care who knew it. In fact, I was proud of it!

  “We’re almost at the brewery. Are you going to show me your secret door?” I poked him.