My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  After a few minutes of everyone shoveling food down their throat and no conversation, I had to speak up. “You know what happens when we’re all together?”

  Dmitry looked confused and said, “This makes twice now, so I guess I’m at a loss for how to answer that…”

  “STORY TIME! Last time we were all eating I heard the story of how Dmitry got drunk and accidentally made out with a dude. I want another story,” I demanded.

  “What? Is this bedtime and you’re a nine year old?” Sergio asked.

  I flipped him off and Dmitry took the opportunity to share a memory.

  “I like story time too, Violet. This one will be about Sergio, since it’s his fucking turn.” Dmitry narrowed his eyes at Sergio and cracked his knuckles.

  Rocky shot him a warning look and said, “You better be careful about what you say, if this is the story that I think it is.” Ooh, that sounded juicy!

  Dmitry ignored Rocky’s warning and dove right in. “One day Sergio was feeling like a badass and decided to go and collect some money…from a guy who lost money betting on sports. There was a big football game and Sergio won two hundred and fifty bucks from someone named Pete.”

  “I don’t like this fucking story,” Rocky interrupted. “TELL A DIFFERENT ONE.”

  Dmitry again ignored the warning. “So Sergio went to this guy’s restaurant to collect on the bet. Pete promised he would have the money later that night. When he went back, Sergio got a nasty surprise from Leo and his buddies---”

  “Dmitry…outside, NOW,” Rocky growled and stormed away from the table. When he noticed Dmitry was not following him, he raised his voice even louder. “I SAID RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND.” Dmitry rolled his eyes and walked toward his friend. They went through the secret door and then nothing could be heard except for silence.

  “That’s pretty sound proof, huh?” I asked. “Do you know why Rocky freaked out?”

  “Yes,” Sergio replied.

  “And would you care to share the reason?” This was like pulling teeth!

  “Nope.”

  “That’s NOT fair at all. I’m the only one who doesn’t know what everyone is talking about.”

  “Violet, think for a second. Did you see the way Rocky reacted when Dmitry started the story? He tried warning him twice, but Dmitry didn’t listen. There was a reason that Rocky did not want him to continue. File it away under ‘unsolved mysteries’ and go on with your life.”

  I did not care for that answer at all. I continued eating and looked down dejectedly into my plate. I liked hanging out with the guys, but I was intimidated by the fact that they all had a shared history and I was an outsider.

  “Ok,” Sergio sighed in defeat. “I can’t tell you THAT story, but I can come up with a better one. It’s not your fault that you don’t know what you don’t know. Do you remember when we were on the way to the food festival in Coral City and I told you to ask Rocky about wearing women’s underwear? Well, one time when we were fourteen we got totally drunk on a bottle of cheap vodka that we stole from my dad. I don’t know why he even had it to begin with, because he always drank the best of everything. Anyway this shit was nasty. It was like one step above paint thinner. Keep in mind that we were only fourteen, what else could we get our hands on? So I had a few swigs of this shit before I decided I was done. It was just disgusting. I handed the bottle over to Rocky and he chugged that fucker. I guess his tastes were not as highly developed as mine. Anyway, he got totally wasted and passed out on the sofa in our den. I took this as an opportunity to have some fun. I took off his shirt and dressed him in one of my mom’s bras. She liked to wear fancy clothes and the occasional wig to complete her outfit. So I grabbed a wig, some of her lipstick, and a pearl necklace and added that to Rocky’s new look. Fate was not on my side, as I couldn’t find one single fucking camera that had any film in it. That’s one of the greatest disappointments in my whole entire life. However, Rocky didn’t know that the camera was out of film. I kicked him in the leg to wake him from his drunken slumber. He was so out of it that he didn’t realize the ‘click, click’ of the camera was me actually saying ‘click, click.’ He started yelling at me and I told him to go look in the mirror. Once he found a mirror, he really started having a fit. I blackmailed him for a whole six months before the dumb fuck figured out that no picture existed, except the one in my mind. Best prank EVER.”

  Sergio and I were laughing our asses off when Rocky and Dmitry returned a few moments later. Dmitry looked somber and Rocky still looked pissed. Some of his anger dissolved when he noticed how hard Sergio and I were laughing.

  “What the hell did I miss?”

  “I was just sharing a different story with Violet, something way better then Dmitry could ever tell,” Sergio snickered.

  “Tell me what it was,” Rocky snapped. “I’m not in the mood for this.”

  I smiled and filled him in on what he missed. “Sergio was telling me about how you got drunk on cheap vodka when you were fourteen and he played dress-up. Sadly he has no proof of the momentous occasion.”

  Rocky relaxed and admitted, “Yeah, I’m still pissed about that. I can’t believe I was dumb enough to believe him for so long. If he really would have taken the picture, it would have been all over school the next day. He can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

  “Seems like he’s doing fine to me,” Dmitry mumbled under his breath, so low I almost missed it.

  Everyone finished eating and I got up to clear the table. “You’re not the waitress, Violet,” Rocky reminded me.

  “You were nice enough to cook, so I can do the dishes. I don’t mind.” I liked doing the dishes. It was the least demanding of all housework. I never washed floors though.

  “I have a dishwasher, don’t worry about it.” Rocky followed me to the kitchen to load the dishwasher and put away the leftover food.

  “Do you want to take some of this to Vasily and Irina while it’s still warm?” Rocky asked Dmitry.

  “Are you trying to get rid of me already? I can’t imagine why.” Dmitry raised his eyebrows at Rocky in a challenge. Things were getting very uncomfortable. I politely excused myself to go to the bathroom. I shut the door to the bedroom and then the door to the bathroom to give them some privacy to get the bug out of their asses. I took a leisurely pee, washed my hands, and checked to make sure no pasta sauce was stuck to my face.

  --------------------------------------------

  Meanwhile in the living room, a hushed conversation was taking place between Rocky, Dmitry, and Sergio.

  “What the fuck are you doing, jackass? Why don’t you drop some more hints, or better yet come right out and tell her who we all are?” Sergio snapped at Dmitry.

  “Fuck you, Sergio. I got this one already riding my ass,” he pointed to Rocky. “I don’t need you putting your two cents in. It has nothing to do with you,” Dmitry snarled right back.

  “Yeah, it is his business, Dmitry. Literally. So why don’t you keep your comments to yourself and back the hell off. I’m not going to tell you again. You should have shut your mouth after the first warning,” Rocky threatened.

  “I’m only trying to help, you stubborn son of a bitch. Don’t you realize that the longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be for you once she finds out? Rip off the band-aid and get it over with. Don’t come crying to me when it’s too late and this blows up in your face. Mark my words, she is not going to handle this well. Not well at all, Rocky,” Dmitry shook his head, clearly upset that his attempts to warn his friend were being ignored.

  “Don’t tell me how to handle my business. I can take care of myself. Stay out of it,” Rocky cautioned.

  -------------------------------------------

  I slowly walked back out of the bathroom after I flushed the toilet again for good measure. I coughed really loudly before opening up the bedroom door and returning to the kitchen. All three of them stood around the island, as if they had not a care in the world. Good. Enough bullshit for
one evening.

  “Thanks again for letting me stay for dinner, Violet. I’ll get going now,” Dmitry said as he started to make his exit.

  “Wait, we have a bet. I have to try your dessert. If it blows, I get a new toy. You didn’t forget that, did you?” I didn’t forget because I was a winner either way. I got to eat a great dessert or was the proud owner of an AK-47.

  “What bet? Can I get in on it?” Sergio asked with excitement.

  “No, the bet was that I get his AK-47 if I don’t like the dessert he brought. It’s a Russian honey cake,” I explained.

  “Pfft, anything Russian is shit,” Sergio scoffed.

  I highly object to that comment. “The AK-47 is Russian, dumbass. That is NOT shit.” Score a point for team Violet!

  Dmitry smiled, clearly agreeing with me, and pulled the honey cake out of the big brown paper bag. “I have these delivered once a month from a bakery that specializes in Russian desserts. They are not cheap. Take a bite, Violet, and tell me what you think.”

  It looked really impressive. I counted eight layers of something that looked like a pancake, with a tan crème filling. If it tasted as good as it looked, I would have to eat my words for bitching about it. I grabbed a fork and a knife and took a slice out of the cake. One bite and I was a goner. “This is amazing! How have I lived thirty-four years on this planet and never tasted this Heaven?”

  Dmitry and Rocky both smiled at my uncontrolled glee. “This is better than sex!” I exclaimed as I took another bite to see if it was as good as the first one.

  “Gee thanks, I’ll remember that,” Rocky muttered, not looking pleased at all.

  “Oh shit, sorry. I just meant that sex is really great, so this is really really great?” I tried to make excuses while swallowing a mouthful of cake. I was not doing very well.

  “Looks like I get to keep my piece of shit Russian gun after all. I’m leaving now.”

  “Wait, take this with you, Dmitry. If you leave it here I’ll just eat it all. Thanks though!” I might have cut another giant chunk off the cake for later and put it in a container in Rocky’s fridge. I handed the rest to Dmitry and thanked him again as he walked out. That was fucking awesome cake, right there.

  My phone rang with an incoming call from Frankie. “Sorry, this is my mom, I have to take it.” Sergio nodded his head at me and told me he was leaving anyway. Rocky walked him to the door and made sure it locked when he left.

  “Hey, mom. What’s up?”

  “I’ve been trying to call your house all day, Violet. Where are you?”

  “I just finished eating dinner with Rocky, Sergio, and Dmitry. We’re at Rocky’s house. He cooked fancy pasta and Dmitry brought the most amazing dessert. I have some leftovers so you can try some!”

  “Who the hell are Sergio and Dmitry?”

  “They’re Rocky’s friends. Sergio is the one that went to the Coral City food thing with me. Dmitry is Russian. He’s the one that had the AK-47. He’s nice too.”

  “Did you spend all day with Rocky?”

  “Yeah. We went to the grocery store and the video store and made dinner. We had a really nice day.” Rocky came up behind me and kissed me on the neck under my ear.

  “Whatever, it’s your life. I never see you anymore because you’re always with Rocky. Come over tomorrow after work. We need to talk.” That didn’t sound ominous at all.

  “Ok. Tomorrow after work. Your house. Got it. See you then. Bye mom!”

  I sighed with resignation. I hope nothing was seriously wrong. I wonder what my lecture would be about. It could really be anything. Moving too fast with Rocky, having sex with Rocky, global warming. Okay, probably not the last one.

  Rocky took my phone from my hand and put it on the kitchen table. “Let’s go relax and watch the movie.” He led me to the couch and put the movie in.

  He sat behind me and started to rub my shoulders. Any intention I had of asking about all the drama with Dmitry went right out the window as all thought ceased to exist beyond, “Oh yes, rub me right there.” He had magic hands and I was so relaxed and full after that fantastic meal that I fell asleep and did not see more than one minute of the movie. I’m pretty sure I snored on Rocky’s lap through the whole entire film. He didn’t have the heart to wake me until it was over.

  “Violet, wake up a little. It’s getting late. Do you want to stay here tonight?”

  “Hmm? What time is it?”

  “It’s nine o’clock, baby. Why don’t you sleep here? You’re half asleep already.”

  “I can’t sleep. My contact lenses are in.”

  “What kind? I wear them too. You can borrow a case and some stuff to soak them in.”

  As fate would have it, we had different types of contact lenses. The solution was multi-purpose and would work for mine too. I popped out my contacts and became immediately unhappy that I had agreed to this arrangement.

  “What’s wrong? You’re looking kind of Violet-y,” Rocky noticed.

  “Violet-y is NOT the new word, damn it! I don’t like that my name is synonymous with a freak-out fit. It just happens to be a coincidence that I’m panicking a little bit.”

  “Why? What’s the matter?” Rocky asked as he came up and put his arm around me.

  “I have extremely poor vision and it’s going to be creepy to wake up somewhere new and not be able to see jack shit.”

  “I’ll keep you safe from anything that goes bump in the night,” Rocky vowed. He got serious and continued, “I’ll protect you from anything, Violet. I promise you that, ok? I mean it.” That was sweet.

  “Ok, thanks.” I kissed him softly on the lips.

  “I actually thought you were freaking out because this is the second night in a row that we’re sleeping together and I figured you’d get agitated about us moving kind of fast.”

  “I was half asleep so that hadn’t really entered my head until now, but I appreciate you giving me something else to worry about. I don’t usually have any dates, let alone ones that last over twenty-four hours,” I admitted while climbing into his bed. “Hey these are new sheets, right? I’m not sleeping on some other girl’s germs?”

  “No, you’re the only girl putting her germs in my bed. I left most of my stuff back in New York, dirty sex sheets included. Happy now?”

  “Extremely. Good Night!”

  I think it took me all of ten seconds to fall back to sleep. Rocky had really fluffy pillows.

  Monday, Two in the Morning, Week Three

  I woke with a start from a seriously weird dream. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it had to do with me leaving to go on a plane trip and I had the sinking feeling I was forgetting something. I kept checking my suitcase in a panic that there was an obvious item I was missing. I had no idea what that meant because I hadn’t flown anywhere in years and I had no upcoming trips planned. Strange.

  I looked around and immediately knew where I was. This was due to the fact that Rocky was two inches from my face and had his arm wrapped around my waist. I nudged him and asked, “Are you asleep?” I knew that he was from the sound of his breathing, but I was wide awake now.

  “Hmm? Not anymore,” he answered. “What’s the matter?”

  “I can’t sleep.”

  “That’s probably because you fell asleep at seven o’clock and you’ve already slept a whole night’s worth.”

  “I’ve only had seven and a half hours of sleep. I usually get eight.” This was true. I needed a lot of sleep. “I had a rough weekend. I usually read books. Now my life is like the books I read about. Shopping trips with Russian supermodels in their red corvettes, surprise birthday parties, wild hot sex with a muscled bad-ass, and dinner parties with crazy people who start fights. Speaking of that, what was the problem with you and Dmitry?”

  “I’ve got to give you credit, Violet. I honestly thought you’d ask me about that the second Sergio left. The fact that you waited until two in the morning is pretty impressive.”

  “That’s only beca
use you massaged me to sleep. If I had been awake, I would have asked immediately. So, what’s up with that? Sergio wouldn’t tell me. He’s pretty loyal.”

  “I know. That’s why he’s my best friend.” He took a deep breath, clearly trying to decide how to answer my question. “Ok, here’s the thing. I have a past that I’m not too proud of. I got in with the wrong group of people and I did some things that weren’t always…good choices.” If he kept tip-toeing around this, I would never get a straight answer. “Like Dmitry said, Sergio made a bet with someone on a football game and the guy was blowing him off and didn’t feel like he needed to make good on the bet. That doesn’t fly in our circle. So stupid Sergio went to get his money, by himself, and the guy promised he’d have it later that night. The guy owned a restaurant and Sergio figured maybe the guy was just waiting until he got some money from customers and then he’d be able to pay up. Well Sergio, Dmitry, and I had plans that night and Sergio figured we’d stop by the restaurant and he’d run in really quickly and the guy would just hand over the money. As Sergio’s filling us in on his genius plan, alarm bells are going off all over the place. When you know someone’s coming to get money, you could have a trap set for them. It’s on this guy’s turf, maybe he has his buddies come over and they’re going to intimidate Sergio into forgetting about the debt. You just NEVER know what you’re walking into, especially when the element of surprise is not on your side. I know this. Dmitry knows this. Sergio is a fucking idiot. He has no sense of self preservation. So Dmitry and I look at each other and we realize that we have to go in with Sergio to make sure he comes out all in one piece. We go around the back door, and the place is dark. Something just seems off. We go through the unlocked kitchen door and Dmitry starts to say that he has a bad feeling about this. As we make our way into the dining room, we see about five guys waiting for us in addition to the jackass who owes Sergio the money. The guys are…not guys that we wanted to mess with because it would have started all kinds of problems.”