My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “Maybe,” I offered, “Rocky didn’t want his face anywhere near your rotten pussy, you fucking skank.” That was taking it too far and I evidently crossed a line because she narrowed her eyes and spit on me. Literally. Like she took every ounce of saliva in her entire body and it landed on my cheek. Without thinking, I launched myself at her.

  Thankfully I didn’t get very far because she had a good six inches and twenty pounds on me and she would have beaten me to a bloody pulp. A strong arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me back behind him before Ursula could do any damage. With the other hand, Rocky shoved his gun in her face and she staggered back.

  “I was done playing your games years ago, Ursula,” Rocky said. “Next time you insult my girlfriend, you won’t walk away. Get the fuck out of my face, take these pieces of shit with you, and don’t come back. There will be no other warning.”

  I held on to Rocky’s arm around my waist, needing to feel his body on mine. Everyone was silent and a staring contest between Rocky and Ursula seemed to last an eternity.

  She looked at Rocky, zeroing in on the fact that he held me and not her. She had lost the prize to another woman. Someone was finally telling her no. Obviously she was not ready to admit defeat. “According to the old ways, as your jilted fiancée I get to challenge my rival who insults me and dares try and take what was mine. She can only have you if she wins in a fight against me. I throw down that challenge with all these witnesses.”

  What the fuck? Is this the 1700’s and we’re going to get pistols and have a duel in the backyard? I think not. Why was no one laughing at her? Son-of-a-bitch, I bet this was really a thing.

  “This finally got interesting,” Natalia chirped. “It’s about time.”

  Rocky shook his head and objected, “No. That’s not going to happen in any way, shape, or form. I will not allow it.”

  Ursula argued, “It’s not up to you, stupid. If she won’t fight me then she’s a coward and I’ll beat the shit out of her anyway. If she fights me and wins, like that would ever happen in this universe, then I’ll back off and leave you alone. It’s as simple as that. Either way, she fights.”

  “Fine,” I agreed, “I’ll do it. I’m not afraid of you.” Lie lie lie.

  “This time I know you’re lying, you sniveling hag,” Ursula said with a smirk. Wow. She really was a lie detector.

  Irina explained, “Violet, she threw down the challenge so you need to pick the time and place.” How did everyone know all the rules about this shit?

  Rocky again interrupted. “It doesn’t matter, Irina, shut the fuck up. She’s not fighting anyone. I won’t let her.”

  “Friday night, six o’clock. Be here or I’ll come and get you.” Again, it was my voice saying those things, but I’m pretty sure my head didn’t agree to that before the words came out. It was only Tuesday so that gave me roughly three days to come up with a viable alternative plan. No sweat.

  Ursula grinned and accepted my terms. “I look forward to kicking the hell out of you Violet. I’m going to knock out a tooth for every insult you threw at me tonight. You better enjoy fucking my fiancée for the next few days, because after I’m done with you, you won’t be recognizable. That’s a promise.”

  She blew Rocky a kiss, turned on her heels, and marched out the door. Natalia smacked her on the ass as she walked past, like a football player congratulating a teammate on a winning touchdown.

  Leo laughed and said, “It’s been a pleasure, gentleman, as always.”

  They exited as a group and casually made their way back to their SUV.

  Dmitry watched their progress as Rocky turned to me and demanded, “What in God’s name did you just do?!?” I think I was in trouble.

  Tuesday, 7:30 p.m. Week Three

  As I stood in shock waiting for my adrenaline rush to subside, I looked at Rocky and prepared to answer his question. The truth was that I hadn’t thought before I acted. That was the problem.

  “We have more company coming,” Dmitry announced as he kept one eye on the parking lot to make sure Ursula left. “Another black SUV is coming in at breakneck speeds.” Great. What could go wrong next? Rocky pulled me behind him, Sergio and Dmitry took positions on either side of the door, and Irina and Vasily stayed where they were.

  “The new guys are not with Ursula’s crew. Leo just tripped over his own feet running back to their vehicle. Moron!” Dmitry chuckled.

  Sergio peeked out the window and cheered, “Fucking A! The cavalry has arrived!” He did a fist pump and opened the door, ignoring the protests of Rocky and Dmitry. Dmitry followed, which led to all of us going outside. I guess the floodlights were on to illuminate the parking lot and the Russians had cleared out, so there was no threat of friendlies getting hit in the crossfire.

  Another black SUV had taken the place of the retreating Russians. This time three Italians climbed out. Sergio ran to up to one of them and gave him a giant bear hug, lifting him off the ground.

  Rocky ordered me, “Stay here and don’t move.” He walked over and warmly greeted the guys, “Welcome to Pineville, fuckers! You have no idea how good it is to see you!”

  The five guys started pounding on each other’s backs in manly half hugs. Dmitry spit on the ground next to me and muttered, “Cock-sucking Italians.” Apparently not everyone was happy to see them. I turned to see how Irina and Vasily were handling the situation, but they were busy wrapped up in a steamy embrace. Evidently tense showdowns made them horny. That left me with Dmitry as my only chance to get any information.

  I edged over to him and asked, “Can I get a little intel over here?”

  He smiled and said, “Rocky gets mad when I try to tell you anything.”

  “No one ever got killed from having too much information,” I explained.

  “Fine. What do you want to know?”

  “Who the hell ARE all these people? Obviously Ursula is Rocky’s ex and Leo is your old boss. Who’s the assassin looking chick?” I did figure out some of it.

  “How did you know Leo was my boss?” Dmitry asked, sounding surprised I knew this.

  “Rocky finished the story you started to tell the other night. He said Sergio went to collect on a bet but you all got jumped and they got their asses beaten. You couldn’t step in to help because your boss, Leo, was handing out the punishment.”

  “Rocky cleaned the story up for you a little bit, Violet. They were trying to collect on a bet because Sergio was something of a bookie. The guy who made the bet was under the protection of the Russians. Sergio didn’t know that because he’s not very thorough and doesn’t bother to check things out. Leo’s guys started to beat the shit out of Rocky and Sergio, but the Russian’s didn’t win. Rocky took out three of them, breaking arms and legs until they didn’t get back up. Sergio handled one guy. That left Leo. He was screaming at me to do something, but I just stood there and didn’t help him. He couldn’t stand me to begin with, but he really hated me after that.”

  “Why couldn’t he stand you to begin with? And why didn’t Rocky tell me that he broke people’s bones?” I forgot all about Rocky and his Italian friends having a hug fest. I wanted to know more truth from Dmitry. Rocky never told me that he won the fight, or that he had to break bones to do it. What else wasn’t he telling me?

  “Leo hating me, that’s a story for a different time,” Dmitry said, shaking his head. “Rocky didn’t tell you he broke bones because he didn’t want you to be afraid of him and think he’s a monster. He cares what you think of him.” I looked over at Rocky happily chatting with his friends. He didn’t even know I existed right now.

  “The assassin looking girl, as you accurately described her, is a top level fighter for the Russians. Her name is Natalia and she’s also Ursula’s friend and bodyguard. She’s very dangerous. By the way, Leo is Ursula’s brother,” Dmitry added, finishing his explanation.

  My full attention snapped back to Dmitry. “What? I would NEVER have guessed that. They look nothing alike!” That was an interesti
ng piece of information right there. However, there was more I needed to know. “Who are the three Italians over there?”

  They were about six feet away from me and not paying any attention, so I took a moment to assess them. They were much shorter than the Russians. The one in the middle looked like the oldest. He was wearing black dress pants, suede loafers, and a black jacket over a burgundy sweater. His round face was covered in a neatly trimmed beard, while his thinning hair was combed back tight against his scalp. The other two gentlemen were dressed identically in light gray suits with black T shirts underneath. That was the end of their similarities. One of them had dark hair cascading past his shoulders, thin lips, a perfectly straight nose, and crystal blue eyes. He looked half asleep or stoned, I wasn’t sure which. He was extremely hot, but had an emptiness behind his eyes. It was creepy. The other dude looked majorly arrogant. I had a feeling he was well aware of how completely gorgeous he was. Perfectly smooth, tan skin created a backdrop for well-defined model cheekbones and plump pink lips. His short dark hair was blow dried and gelled to perfection. A light layer of facial scruff added to his appeal. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses so I couldn’t tell what color they were. Yes, he was wearing sunglasses at night. That’s what led to my conclusion that he was a bit narcissistic.

  Dmitry quietly told me, “The older one is Sergio’s brother Carmine. The other two are not worth mentioning. They’re low level goons who act as Carmine’s bodyguards. One of them is Sergio’s idiot cousin and the other isn’t related.” I wonder how he knew all this stuff?

  “Were you all friends back in New York? That’s how you know them all?” That would make sense.

  “No,” Dmitry sharply answered, “they are NOT my friends. I just like to know my enemies.”

  “But you’re friends with Rocky, right?”

  “Yes. I’m loyal to him to the death. I wouldn’t piss on the rest of them if they were on fire.”

  This was getting too cryptic and confusing for my taste, not to mention that I was getting annoyed waiting like a dork standing between the entwined lovers and angry Dmitry. After losing more patience every second, I noisily cleared my throat and hoped to be noticed. That didn’t happen. To hell with this!

  “Dmitry, watch my back. I’m going in,” I ordered as I paraded over to Rocky. Dmitry obediently followed.

  I tapped Rocky on the shoulder and said, “Ahem, introductions?” I was not in the mood for this crap. I had more important things going on. Such as how to process the scene that had just occurred with the Russians and to come up with a plan to avoid having Ursula pound me into next week.

  Rocky put his arm around me and said, “Violet, I’d like you to meet Sergio’s brother Carmine. This is Sergio’s cousin, Dante,” he pointed to the arrogant-looking one, “and this is Gypsy,” the one who looked half asleep. “Gypsy is Romanian and that’s how he got his nickname,” Rocky explained.

  I started to politely offer my hand, expecting it to be shaken in a warm greeting. That was not the reception I received. Carmine stood there and stared at me. Dante lowered his head, removed his sunglasses, and asked, “Rocky, who’s this? Is this a joke? Where’s the real Violet?”

  “This IS the real Violet,” Rocky irritably declared.

  “No way. Seriously?” Dante persisted, “She doesn’t look like much. She’s dressed like a nun, for fuck’s sake. What’s with the turtleneck? You’re just messing with me, man. Right? “

  I felt a low growl forming in my throat. Of all the nerve. This ass face was supposed to be on our side? “Listen here, you Guido douchebag---”

  Rocky put his hand over my mouth before I could continue any further. He spun me around and walked me a few steps away from the three Italians. “Hey, I know these guys. They’re on our side. They flew all the way out here to warn me. Cut them some slack.”

  I gave him a murderous look and we re-joined the group.

  Rocky nodded to Carmine and asked, “How did you find out they were on their way here?”

  “We suspected Natalia of stealing from us. A large shipment of…” Carmine looked at me, not knowing how to finish his sentence. “A large shipment of gummy bears was about to come in and we wanted to make sure Natalia didn’t help herself to some of the stash.”

  I gave him a middle finger salute. Gummy bears my ass.

  “Excuse me?” he asked in disbelief. “Did you just flip me off?”

  “Yes, you’re very observant. We all know it wasn’t a shipment of Gummy bears. I wasn’t born yesterday. Why don’t you just save us all some time and be honest. Drugs? Guns? What are you running?” I watched TV, dipshit. I know about organized crime!

  “Can you try to control her? Just a little bit?” Carmine snapped at Rocky, who in turn threw up his hands and admitted, “Not really. You should have seen her a few minutes ago. She called Ursula a cunt and flung herself at the bitch.”

  “She had it coming! She hocked a loogey right on me! Do you know how germy that was? I still need to wash her toxic spit off my face. She most likely fucked half of New York City. I probably have syphilis growing on my cheek RIGHT NOW!” I hysterically yelled.

  Gypsy smiled and dug in his pocket to offer me some baby wipes. I reached over to grab them and thanked him profusely. At least SOMEONE had some decency around here.

  Carmine continued, “As I was saying...we suspected Natalia of stealing. A large shipment of items, that are none of Violet’s fucking business, were about to be delivered. I had Gypsy tailing Natalia and he followed her to Ursula’s apartment. They loaded a bunch of suitcases into an SUV and headed for the airport. He watched what flight they boarded and saw it was headed to the capital of this nowhere shit state. Gypsy immediately notified me and I scrambled to get to the airport and find a flight. Sergio didn’t answer his damn phone, so I couldn’t warn you sooner.”

  Sergio pointed to Rocky and ratted, “That’s because this wanker hid my phone!”

  “The next person who interrupts me is going to get a foot shoved up their ass,” Carmine promised. “Anyway, I have a few senators in my pocket and I found a private jet headed out this way. We made a pit stop at the same airport as Ursula, Gypsy broke every speed limit to get here, and that’s what happened.” Carmine hugged Sergio again and told him, “I missed you, little brother. Dad’s been crazy lately. He wants you to come back. You and I are all he has left now.”

  “What about the other brother?” I wanted to add, “The one who fucked Ursula,” but I figured that might be rude.

  Everyone froze and all eyes turned to me. Rocky shouted, “STOP,” before anyone could reply. He quietly admitted, “She doesn’t know. All she knows is that Sergio has a younger brother that we don’t talk about. She knows Ursula tricked him into fucking her, causing me to go on the run. She doesn’t know anything else. She doesn’t know.” I don’t know why he kept repeating that line. If it was so important that I didn’t know, then why didn’t someone just tell me?

  Carmine stared me down and replied in a deadly tone, “If you truly don’t know, then I won’t hold it against you for asking. If you had known and asked anyway out of spite…I would have backhanded you right in the face. I let you disrespect me once. I gave you a free pass because you belong to Rocky. You only get one. No one treats Carmine Barsotti with disrespect. Is that clear?” Shit. I forgot who I was dealing with for a second. I’m fucking a mob enforcer and talking back to the son of the mafia boss of New York. I’m about three seconds away from swimming with the fishes.

  I gave him a solemn answer. “I’m sorry. Please accept my sincere apology. I had no idea Rocky was a part of this life until a few hours ago. The signs were all there, plain as the nose on my face, but I didn’t put two and two together. I will give you the respect you deserve, Mr. Barsotti. You have my word.” I called him mister and gave him my word. I hoped that was good enough. Rocky took my hand and held it in his. I delicately removed it and hung it back at my side. Rocky deserved no respect. He could have been honest and wa
rned me about this whole situation and then I wouldn’t have looked like an uninformed idiot.

  Carmine nodded his head, temporarily appeased. “You’re lucky you came to your senses. I will answer your question so you can better understand who you’re dealing with, and why it would be wise to change your attitude.”

  “I can’t listen to this,” Sergio said as he covered his ears and started to walk away.

  Carmine grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “You WILL listen to this, you shameful coward. Your lack of courage is what got you stuck out here in shitsville in the first place.”

  “After you and Rocky blew town,” Carmine explained to Sergio, “we were stuck cleaning up the mess you left behind. Dad couldn’t allow things to carry on as usual. With his top enforcer on the run, his playboy middle son AWOL, and his youngest son a traitor….well, action had to be taken to restore order to the family. He understood why Rocky left. He admired him for not killing Luigi. Family comes before all else, especially that useless whore. Dad knew Rocky only agreed to marry her to bring peace between the Russians and Italians and he was appreciative for Rocky’s sacrifice. However he couldn’t overlook the fact that his youngest son was a complete fuck up. Luigi was coddled ever since mom died. He was never disciplined and taught the ways of the life we were in. He didn’t learn the most important lesson to never betray your family. Rocky, you were like family to us. Hell, you still are. That hasn’t changed. The fact that Luigi would fuck Ursula behind your back, knowing who she was and how you were like a brother….that was unforgivable. He knew better. If allowed to continue, he would have destroyed the family. The Russians were already talking behind our backs about how weak we were. Dad had to make a power play to prove that no one…NO ONE…was as ruthless as our family.”

  Carmine turned to face me and finished the explanation. “My father ordered a hit on his youngest son. Luigi’s body was found with a bullet to the back of his head. There was a massive turnout to his funeral. It was all over the paper. The cops were waiting for payback from the Italians in a massive war on whoever had committed such a foolish crime. The Russians, Latinos, and Asians all denied involvement. There was no retaliation and no war. That’s because it was an inside job. Do you understand that?”