My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “Ok, thanks. You aren’t one of the Russians…the Ukrainians…whatever they are. How did you join them and get to be their top enforcer then?” I didn’t really know anything about Dmitry. Except that he had really good taste in desserts.

  “It’s not a happy story. You sure you want it?” He asked hesitantly.

  “Yeah. Today seems like the day for bad stories. What’s one more added to the pile?”

  “Ok. I didn’t come from a happy home. My dad was a drunk who smacked my mom around and when he got bored using her for a punching bag, he turned on his kids. I’m four years older than Vasily and I did my best to step up and take the hits so that he wouldn’t have to. The older we got, the worse the abuse became. He started gambling as well as drinking. We never had any money and we often went without food. When I was sixteen, I got a part time job after school working for a butcher in my neighborhood. My father took almost all the money I got, but I managed to hide some away. I was trying to save for a new pair of shoes for Vasily. Well my dad found the money and beat the shit out of me for not giving it all to him. That was the last straw. I knew some of the local Russian gang members from when they came into the butcher shop. I went to the bar where they liked to hang out and I pleaded my case. I told them that I needed their protection, and as payment I would do any job they asked of me. They laughed at me at first, but they couldn’t ignore how bruised I was and eventually took pity on me. They sent me on my first job that day. I had to clean up after a mess someone made. There were no dead bodies, but there was blood everywhere. I was only sixteen years old. I gagged and got sick to my stomach, but I did not throw up. I did exactly as they instructed, as best as I could. I kept telling myself that I was doing it for me and Vasily so we could have a better life. I did two more jobs during the week. That weekend, my dad came home drunk and broke at three in the morning. He was in a bad mood and started screaming at my mom. I called the number that the guys in the gang had given me. Not more than five minutes later, they broke down our door and kicked the hell out of my father. He begged them for mercy but they showed him none. Once they were finished, they explained that Vasily and I were now under their protection and if he fucked with us, then he fucked with them. My father left that night and never came back. Once my mother realized he was finally gone for good, she went nuts. She started shrieking at me that I had destroyed her one chance at happiness and now her life was ruined. Instead of thanking me for getting rid of her abuser, she blamed me for it. I took the biggest butcher knife that we had and held it to her throat. I told her that from now on, I was the man of the house and she should treat me as such. I told her that she would continue to go to her job every day, not dare bring another man back here, and continue to be a mother to Vasily. Once I turned eighteen, she could go off on her own and I would take care of my brother. I kept working for the Russians, doing jobs more frequently and of greater importance. I proved my worth to them and did what was necessary to provide for my brother. My mom kicked us both out on the day of my eighteenth birthday. I managed to finish high school and made sure Vasily did the same. We’ve both worked for the Russians ever since. Irina’s father got me an audience with Ursula’s father, and that really moved me up in the ranks. We eventually started doing jobs with the Italians and that’s how I met Rocky.”

  “He said you left town not too long after he did because you got shot. Rocky told me that you were like a bodyguard of sorts, and if I thought that he was tough, it was nothing compared to you.”

  Dmitry laughed at that. “I wasn’t a bodyguard at all. He just said that to sugarcoat it for you. I wouldn’t say I’m any tougher than he is. We’re probably evenly matched. As for getting shot, Leo is the one who shot me. Right in the ass, actually. He tried to set me up and frame me. Everyone knew it was coming. I got fed up and left. I knew this was the only safe place to go. God Bless Pineville, home to all the ex-mobsters on the run.”

  “You got shot in the ass?” I laughed.

  “It’s not funny. That really fucking hurts,” he said with a grin on his face.

  “Thanks. I needed a laugh. Why are you being so nice to me?”

  “You’re a good person, Violet. You make Rocky happy. He’s changed since he’s met you. He smiles now and jokes around. I haven’t seen that side of him for a long time and I’m glad it’s back. But I don’t just tolerate you because you’re dating my friend. If you were some ditzy bitch then I wouldn’t be here right now trying to help you. I really enjoy how you give Rocky shit and put him in his place. I appreciate how you welcomed me to stay and have Sunday dinner with you two, and how you try to be a friend to Irina. But most of all, everyone usually avoids me because I have a bad reputation as being merciless and cruel. You never saw that side of me, so you don’t treat me as someone to be feared. It’s quite a difference to not be looked at with revulsion. I hope that doesn’t change now that you know who I really am.”

  I looked at him and considered his words carefully before replying. “I’ve seen Rocky get into physical fights at least three times, yet all I’ve seen you do is pull a gun on people. If you promise that I can say whatever I want without fear of a reprisal, then I won’t view you as someone to be afraid of. Deal?” He reached over and we shook on it.

  “Deal. Just promise me that you’ll keep being yourself and acting the way that you do. It amused me to no end hearing you call Ursula a cunt and seeing you give Carmine the finger. Good stuff, Violet.”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t so good when she spit on me. That was gross. Thank goodness that weird guy had baby wipes in his pocket.”

  Dmitry grinned wickedly. “Do you know why Gypsy carries those?”

  “Something tells me I don’t want to know,” I replied, certain that he was going to tell me anyway.

  “Gypsy is in charge of body disposal and clean up for the Italians. Ironically he has germ issues and can’t stand it when a speck of dirt gets on him. Go figure.”

  A voice from outside the bathroom door spoke up. “If you keep telling her stuff like that Dmitry, I’m ending this conversation.” Evidently Rocky didn’t want all the family secrets spilled.

  “At least someone is telling me SOMETHING and not keeping me completely in the dark!” I yelled into the bedroom.

  Dmitry sighed and shook his head. “Violet, go easy on him, ok? He cares about you very much and the fact that you’re upset is killing him inside. He didn’t keep this from you to be a dick. He knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. What did you want him to say? ‘Hi, I’m an enforcer for the mob and, while I’ve never killed anyone, I’ve badly fucked people up. I have a crazy ex-fiancée who will probably hunt you down when she finds out about you, thereby potentially starting a war between two families. Would you prefer steak or shrimp for our first date?’ That was not an option.”

  “I’m not mad about who he is or who he was.”

  “Then what’s bothering you? Get it all out. You’ll feel better,” Dmitry urged.

  “Several things are bothering me. I’m pissed at myself for not seeing the obvious warning signs. Everything he ever told me pointed to the mob. He wouldn’t tell me Sergio’s last name, I knew he ran away from something instead of just breaking up with the girl, he became part of an Italian family that always had people over who taught him how to fight, and he did odd jobs for the dad. He has too nice of an apartment and a car to be able to afford with a fledgling business. Not to mention the fact that he told me about the old ways and honoring your word and being respectful to him in front of his employees. Don’t forget the night we shot your AK-47 and you each whipped out an arsenal of guns.”

  “I suppose it didn’t help matters when I told you about the Barsotti family pasta recipe?”

  “It should have helped me figure it out, but it didn’t. Maybe I didn’t see it because I didn’t want to believe it. He was just so perfect. No guy that gorgeous ever looked at me before. I wanted to live in the fantasy a little bit longer before I crashed back into reality. That sure a
s hell happened today, and damn was it a rough landing.”

  “Ok. So you’re pissed at yourself. You’ll get over that. What else is upsetting you?”

  “I’m irritated at my naiveté and I’m upset that Rocky didn’t tell me everything sooner. While he never flat out lied to my face, it was a lie by omission. I’m extremely embarrassed that everyone – both the Russians and Italians – seemed to take one look at me and laugh and want to know what the hell Rocky was doing with me. I know I’m nothing like Ursula and Irina, but I’m not a hideous troll either. Not one person stepped up to defend my appearance, unless you count Irina saying I wasn’t that bad and Rocky punching Dante in the face for being an obscene pig. I’m not happy that I can’t go home, I can’t go to work, and my mom might not be safe. I’m also afraid to fight Ursula because she’ll wipe the floor with me. That about sums it up.”

  Rocky walked into the bathroom and looked down at me. “Violet, how many times do I have to tell you that I think you’re beautiful before you’ll believe me? Why do you care what Ursula and those assholes think?”

  “It wasn’t just Ursula. It was your Italian friends too, in case you already forgot that.”

  “And I punched Dante in the face for daring to treat you that way, in case YOU already forgot THAT,” Rocky responded. “I couldn’t tell you who I was because you would have freaked out. Little things make you go nuts. There was no telling how you’d react if I would have dropped these bombshells on you a week ago. Besides, who I was before is not who I am now. You know how I treat you and you know how important you are in my life. None of that has changed.” His eyes searched my face, desperate for some sign that I was taking this to heart.

  “What are we going to do about me fighting Ursula? She’ll kill me.” Everything else would work itself out. Ursula was the immediate threat that needed to be addressed.

  Dmitry had an answer for that one. “Violet, you’re currently in the same room as two of the most brutal members of the New York criminal syndicate. If we can’t teach you how to fight, then something’s wrong with the world. We have three days. How hard can it be?”

  “If memory serves, you were THERE when I told the story of how I got a D in gym class,” I reminded him as I stood up and stretched my legs.

  “That’s because we weren’t your teachers. No worries. We start tomorrow, bright and early. Go get some sleep. I’ll crash on the couch and take watch when Vasily gets tired. We won’t let you die,” Dmitry promised.

  “I guess if you two can’t keep me alive, then nobody can. Thank you Dmitry, for everything,” I said, professing my gratitude. His talk made me feel better, like I had a real friend in my corner besides Rocky.

  Rocky held out a hand to help his friend up off the floor. Dmitry got up and Rocky clapped him on the back and whispered, “Thank you. I owe you for this.”

  Dmitry shook his head and replied, “I’d say we’re even.” He left to go grab a few precious hours of sleep.

  Rocky and I went into the bedroom and I stared at the bed. “I guess I’m sleeping in my clothes and probably wearing them again tomorrow. Not only will I look like a librarian, but I’ll stink too.”

  I glanced at the small dresser next to his bed to check his alarm clock and see what time it was. There was a picture in a beautiful frame on the dresser. I’m positive that hadn’t been there the other day. I picked it up and immediately froze. It was the picture Rocky had taken of us on the night when Marjorie had her surprise party.

  “I picked that up at lunch today. I figured I wouldn’t be staying over at your house every night, so that would remind me of you when you weren’t here,” Rocky explained. That was so sweet.

  “How am I supposed to stay mad at you when you say stuff like that?” I wanted to be mad at him. I really did.

  “Maybe you could just not be mad at me,” he suggested.

  I shrugged my shoulders and went into the bathroom to take out my contact lenses and get ready for bed. I took off my jeans, sweater, bra, and shoes and went back into the bedroom. Rocky was sitting on the bed waiting for me. “I was sort of hoping you’d come out of the bathroom naked,” he admitted.

  “Nope. I’m going to wear turtlenecks every day for eternity, just for spite.”

  “That’s fine with me. I get off on the librarian look.” We were at a standoff. He was trying to make me laugh and I was trying really hard not to. I just stood there staring at him. He spread his arms wide open and said, “Come here.”

  “No,” I answered. I wanted the upper hand. Desperately. “You come here,” I ordered.

  He was up and closing the distance between us before I ended the sentence. Rocky picked me up and carried me to the bed. He threw back the covers and gently set me down. After stripping to only his underwear, he crawled in beside me.

  “Are we okay?” Rocky asked as he brushed some curls behind my ear and stroked my cheek with his hand. “I need to know we’re okay.”

  I raised myself up and turned to him with my chin resting on my hand. “I can probably never kiss you on the mouth again knowing that those lips touched Ursula’s.” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

  “Yes, but as you so eloquently shared with the world, those lips never touched Ursula’s rotten pussy.”

  I started laughing. “I can’t believe you were serious when you told me that you don’t usually do oral. I mean I didn’t really think you were telling the truth. I thought she would laugh and tell me that you had gone down there and call my bluff.”

  “Violet, I’ve never lied to you yet.”

  “Yes, you have. You told me that the Barsotti recipe was from someone who knows someone.”

  “Dmitry knows Sergio who knows the recipe. Not a lie.” Rocky leaned back with his hands behind his head and sighed. “I like talking in bed with you like this. At least something decent came from this fucked up mess. You’re staying over for a while.”

  “I could think of better reasons to get me to spend the night at your place. Ones that don’t include my impending cage match with a crazy whore. Speaking of which…if you hadn’t shown me that clean STD report the other day, then I would be having the panic attack to end all panic attacks right now. I bet Ursula fucked Enrique.”

  “I’m sure she did. She uses people to get what she wants. Now do you understand why I get so weird when you won’t take any money or let me buy you things? You’re the total opposite of her. It’s crazy. She always demanded more stuff but you get pissed if I try to give you five bucks to rent a movie.”

  “Yeah, a lot of things make sense now. I’m really sorry about what happened to Sergio’s brother. How he...how he ended up.”

  “Thanks. I still don’t like to talk about it,” Rocky admitted, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

  “I have a question.” I probably had more than one actually.

  “Of course you do. Lay it on me.”

  “Carmine got all pissy because I flipped him off. He said he would have backhanded me if I had asked about Luigi out of spite. What would you have done if he would have hit me? That really bothered me. Ursula wanting to beat me up as a spurned ex-lover is one thing, but some dude thinking he can smack me is another matter entirely.”

  Rocky answered without hesitation. “He wouldn’t have gotten that far. The best offense is a good defense. I’m constantly looking for threats. The second he would have raised his hand to hit you, I would have grabbed it and broken it. No one touches you. Ever.”

  I liked that answer. A lot. I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. He smiled, eyes still closed, and reminded me, “I thought I was banned from all lip on lip contact.”

  “I should go use mouthwash now. Ursula probably has more germs than the guy Dmitry accidentally kissed when he was drunk.”

  “You like Dmitry, huh?”

  “He’s very polite to me. After our conversation tonight, I trust him to have my back if shit goes down. This is more than I can say for Sergio. What’s up with him tonight? Aba
ndoning you to go get laid with his brother and douchebag cousin? It didn’t go without notice what happened after Dante’s pig remarks. You punched him, Dmitry pulled his gun, and Sergio didn’t do jack shit. He would have let Dante talk however he wanted to me.”

  “Yes, Sergio will be dealt with tomorrow.” Rocky paused and then asked, “Who do you trust, Violet?”

  “You, of course. Dmitry, a little bit. No one else,” I answered truthfully. “Well, except for my mom and family and Stella.”

  “Good. Keep it that way,” Rocky replied mysteriously.

  “Who do you trust?” I asked him. That was a good question and I wanted his answer too.

  “Honestly? No one but myself. If you knew the life I’ve lived, you would understand that answer. Go to sleep, Violet. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

  I rolled over but sleep didn’t come. I had all of two minutes to envision different scenarios of Ursula pounding my face, before Rocky’s phone rang and interrupted my thoughts.

  “What now?” he answered.

  “Another car coming in from the main road. Red Chevrolet. What do you want me to do?” Vasily asked.

  That was fantastic. This just keeps getting better and better. That red car belonged to my mother.

  “That’s my mom’s car, don’t shoot!” I yelled as I jumped out of bed and ran to throw on my jeans. Rocky told Vasily to stand down and not shoot. He also got dressed and we met Dmitry in the living room.

  “I’m not dealing with this,” I explained as we raced toward the main entry door to greet my mother and see what she had to say about the whole situation.

  Irina had come down from the roof and all four of us stood outside waiting for my mom to get out of her car. She wasn’t alone. She got out of the driver’s side and Stella exited the passenger side of the car.

  “What the fuck is going on? You have some explaining to do and you better get started!” My mom ordered, very angrily.

  Stella nodded her head in agreement and added, “It’s pretty late on a school night and I don’t have time for this! This better be important.”