by Naomi Niles
Then she stood up and returned to the mirror where she could get another good look at herself. She couldn’t help but grin at her reflection as she saw the way that the dress moved around her. It curled and swished as she walked, as if it had been tailored to her body perfectly. It probably had, for the money that Brad had forked out for it, but if that was the case, then it was definitely worth it.
“I just hope that it doesn’t take you as long to find happiness as it has me,” she said in a breathy, dream like voice. “I hope that we’re back in a shop like this, picking out a wedding dress for you to marry the love of your life soon enough.”
Her words had my stomach churning round and round in knots, until I felt like I could be sick. Why would she just assume that I wanted that for myself? Especially at this age–I am still in college, for crying out loud! There was no way that I was even considering finding my future husband, the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. That was a crazy lifelong commitment that was too far out of my grasp to even see.
But all of a sudden, I found my eyes scouring the racks of dresses, just wondering which one I would like for myself. Mom’s wide, curvy dress was perfect for her, but I felt like something sleek and close fitting might be more me. I wasn’t the fussy, over-the-top type, and I would want my dress to reflect that.
Then Mom turned to face me once more. “While we’re here, would you like to see your bridesmaid dress?” she asked, sending a shiver racing through my body.
I was consumed by a thrilling chill at the idea of seeing what I would be wearing. I’d only seen my dress in a photograph on her phone, so I knew that it was navy blue with a sweetheart neckline, but that was about it. There was nothing like seeing a dress in the flesh and being able to try it on.
“Oh my God, are you serious?” I squealed.
She shot me a smile, then called the shop assistant back. As the woman wandered off to find the gown I would be wearing, I found myself hopping from foot to foot in excitement, and before long, I was holding the silk between my fingers.
“Wow,” I gasped happily. It was even better than I’d even been expecting.
“Well come on,” Mom laughed. “I want to see it on you!”
I raced into the changing room and put in on quicker than I’d ever dressed before. I just couldn’t wait to have the opportunity to see myself–especially in the really flattering mirrors. It didn’t matter how I actually looked on the day; that would be how I remembered myself.
I stepped out back into the bright lights, where my mom instantly burst into tears. “Oh, Danica,” she cried. “You look beautiful. My gorgeous daughter.”
I couldn’t help but think that she was right. The material hugged my curves perfectly, making me look elegant, but also a little sexy–in a very understated way, of course.
“I love it, Mom,” I replied, suddenly more excited than ever for the big day to arrive.
Chapter Twelve
Rhett
Urgh.
When I thought back over the last few days, it was absolutely depressing. It was safe to say that my life since I’d returned from Camp Woodtree had gone from bad to worse. I’d been expecting to have a long, fairly lazy summer, but now I had to go and spend my days with my idiot father and my soon-to-be step-family. His new wife and her kid–probably some spoiled brat who would piss me off by spending all of my dad’s money. Cash that I never got to see a penny of when I was growing up.
I didn’t want to go, not one fucking bit, but I couldn’t see what other choice I had.
When I told Mom about Dad getting remarried, she wasn’t as upset as I thought she was going to be. In fact, she took the news surprisingly well and actually insisted that I should go and see the nuptials taking place. She said that made her points even more valid, and I would regret it if I didn’t see the wedding for myself.
Fucking regret it? The only thing I regretted was allowing her to talk me into it. I was pretty damn mad about that.
“So can you come?” James asked me excitedly. He was planning another trip away, white water rafting somewhere along the coast, and much as I really wanted to go, I just couldn’t.
“Sorry, dude,” I replied glumly. “I’m going to see my dad.”
“Really?” He replied warily, a reaction which I could understand. Until the other day, he’d not heard one word about my father in all the years that we’d been friends, and now all of a sudden, he was all I seemed to talk about.
“Yeah, really.” I was trying to act like none of this bothered me, like I didn’t even care, but I wasn’t sure how much I was getting away with it. James knew me too well to be fooled. We’d been through far too much together for me to be able to pull the wool over his eyes.
“Why? That seems a little…random,” he wasn’t normally a curious guy–he certainly never stuck his nose into other people’s business if he could help it–but this was obviously a step too far.
“He’s getting remarried,” I tried to offer as an explanation, but clearly that wasn’t enough for James because he stayed frustratingly silent. “Mom has this crazy idea that maybe he isn’t an asshole anymore, and that I’ll regret it if he dies and I haven’t given him a chance…or some bullshit like that.”
For some reason, this felt really uncomfortable to explain. It was probably because it was an emotional subject and something that I would normally choose to keep inside.
“Well, maybe she’s right.” James was so obviously thinking of his own father, a very caring man who’d been nothing but good to his son. There was no way I could explain to my friend something he had no chance of understanding, but I wanted to at least give it a go.
“Look, man, this guy left me when I was two and left me with nothing. He’s got freaking loads of money, but he left me and Mom without a penny.” I could feel the rage coursing through my veins as I spoke, remembering all the damage that he’d done to me.
“Then, when I was eight years old, he showed up again. I was too young then to know that he was a dickhead, so I got excited to have him back. We were going to have weekly visits and everything–it was supposed to be the start of something new.” I could practically hear James holding his breath.
“But then that was it–I never saw him again. I spent every Sunday sitting by the door, waiting for him to come, even though he obviously never was.”
“I never knew any of this,” James mumbled sadly. Of course he hadn’t; I was too humiliated to tell anyone.
“Then when I was fourteen-years-old, he reappeared. He promised that he’d changed and said he was willing to prove that. He offered to buy me a guitar, to help me get music lessons, then he told me that he would help me with some issues that I was having with my part-time job. He told me that he wanted to make things up to my mom, to get back with her, and I was stupid and naïve enough to believe it.”
Sadness consumed me as I remembered that awful time. “Then one morning, as I was out for a jog I saw him coming out of another woman’s house. He was kissing her and his hands were all over her body. He lied over and over again, and although I never confronted him, he still vanished from my life again. He’s just a dick, James.”
“Then why the hell are you going?” he asked, clearly exasperated. “Why put yourself through all of that again?”
“I want to prove to Mom that he hasn’t changed. I need her to understand that I’m right,” I sigh deeply, deciding to be truly honest about my feelings. “I also want to prove to myself that all the years that I’ve spent hating him haven’t been for nothing.”
I also knew that I was more grown up now, that it was much less likely that he’d be able to hurt me. I wasn’t the insecure child that I once was; I’d toughened up my emotions, so I felt ready to face him.
“Right,” he sounded suspicious of my intentions, which was fair enough.
“Look, I don’t trust that man at all and I want to use this opportunity to find anything tangible against him.” It might not have made sense to my fri
end, but I knew exactly what I was up to. “People don’t change, James. There is no way that this guy is better.”
“That probably isn’t the case,” he tried once more, but I wasn’t going to be shaken. “But I hope things go…okay.”
“Yeah, and I hope your trip is awesome.” I hated feeling so distant from my friend–this was the first time ever that I’d felt a separation about anything, but it couldn’t be helped. I knew things would be fine as soon as all of this was over. As soon as I was proven correct, our friendship would be right as rain, that’s just the way we were. “See you soon.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I couldn’t help but shake my head. That boy really didn’t have any idea about my life at all. I wouldn’t have been able to make him see my point of view if we’d talked for hours.
After that, I started to pack, unable to find any excuse to put it off any longer. I grabbed t-shirts and shorts idly, without even really looking at what was going into my bag. It was hardly going to matter what I looked like, anyway; I wasn’t exactly going there with the need to impress anyone. I almost made the decision not to pack my suit, just to be stubborn, just to prove to myself that I wouldn’t even consider actually going to the wedding ceremony, but I decided against it at the last moment, just in case.
It seemed that maybe there was a small part of me that doubted myself, after all.
But just imagining that prick becoming a better man was something my mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
I’d only told James the outline of my complicated relationship with my father because the truth of it was much more painful. Being constantly picked up and dropped, brought up then let down, it absolutely crushed me and it had turned me into an untrusting person. It had formed negative traits, and I hated that he’d managed to have that much control over me.
Then I thought of Danica, just for a second, and the emotion swelled up inside of me once more. She was the one person that I’d let in for a very long time, and I’d really opened up my emotions to her. It had been wonderful and liberating, but then even she’d blown me off in the end. She still hadn’t contacted me, and it seemed like she was never going to.
I was slowly convincing myself that it was time to forget about her, to pretend that she never existed, to act like our romance was a dream. But I couldn’t quite bring myself to delete the one photograph I had of her.
Maybe it was me, maybe I was completely unlovable.
Knock, knock.
I knew that tentative knock on my bedroom door: it was my mom and she was feeling guilty.
“Come in,” I sighed, desperate to see her before I left. Mom had always been the one constant in my life–the one who hadn’t let me down–and I loved her for that.
Her face peeped around the corner, and she shot me a little smile. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” she asked me. “Are you all ready to go?” The fear was emanating off of her, making me feel awful.
“I think so,” I nodded, trying to keep my feelings inside. I didn’t want her to feel bad, even if she was really to blame that I had to go. I knew that she only had my best interests at heart and wouldn’t be doing this if she didn’t genuinely believe it would be good for me.
Okay, she might be wrong, but that wasn’t important. I would come back with evidence of that, and then we could put this whole issue to bed forever.
“Just be strong, son. I know this isn’t going to be easy.” She rubbed my arm in a comforting gesture, so I pulled her in for a hug. I wanted to cheer us both up, and this felt like the best way to do that. “Just remember that you’re a good person, and that there is nothing that he can do about that.”
Ah, so maybe she wasn’t quite as certain about Dad as she’d been before. There was a definite wobble in her voice, which showed that deep down she knew exactly what he was like.
I knew it!
“Thanks, Mom, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” I paused for a moment, before making a joke to lighten the mood. “Except the wedding–that part’s going to suck.”
“I know,” she giggled. “Rather you than me. I can’t imagine anything worse.”
I couldn’t help but wonder what she really thought about that. Mom and Dad had never been married, which must have been weird for her. In a way, it was as if he loved this new woman more than her. I hated to think that, and I wondered how much it hurt her.
Luckily, she didn’t look too upset.
“Okay, well I better get ready to go in a minute,” I pulled away and smiled at her. “It’s a horrible drive and I’d rather get it done before it gets dark.”
“All right, Rhett. I love you, son.”
“Love you, too,” I said, then I grabbed my bag and I slung it over my shoulder. I needed some kind of distraction to stop the unexpected tears from falling down my face. I wasn’t sure why I was getting so emotional, except for the fact that it felt like the weird end of an era.
Or maybe the start of a new one.
There was certainly a weird set of emotions coursing through my veins as I stepped into the car, and as I pulled away and waved goodbye to the only life that I’ve ever really known. There was anticipation, a little bit of fear, and a whole load of anger.
All I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t be returning as the same person.
Chapter Thirteen
Danica
“Are you okay, Danica?” Mom asked me as I stirred my bowl of cereal around and around again.
“Mhmm?” I glanced up in a daze, suddenly remembering where I was. I’d been sitting like a zombie for God knows how long, and it was a bit of a shock to be brought back into reality with a bump. “Oh yeah…yeah, sure, I’m fine.”
I was lying terribly, and I felt awful for that, but there was no way in hell that I could tell her the truth. Not ever–and especially not with it being so close to her wedding day.
I was late. Three days late. And that scared the living shit out of me.
Normally my cycle was so regular that I could set my watch to it, so the fact that I was late was absolutely petrifying. It meant something and I couldn’t think of anything else. My brain was desperately trying to come up with possible reasons for this–stress, wedding planning, change of routine–but I knew the truth. I just didn’t want to accept it. I wasn’t ready just yet.
In the heat of the moment, neither I nor Rhett even considered contraception and now I was having to pay the price for that. A lifetime of payment for a short time of fun. However amazing that was, I wasn’t sure that it was worth all of this worry that I was now experiencing.
The worst thing was that I’d practically blown Rhett off by not communicating with him for a very long time, so there was no way that I could go back to him now. Not with this information; it was too much. I was well and truly on my own with this one.
“Are you sure, sweetheart?” Mum sat beside me and grabbed my hand tentatively. “You don’t look okay.”
The knot that had been sitting firmly in my stomach for days screwed itself up even tighter. As I looked up into her eyes, feeling mine shine with tears, I wondered if it would just be a good idea to wait until the wedding was over before I did anything rash. Who knew? Maybe my period would show up before that and put an end to all of this.
But if you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. No amount of waiting is going to change that.
“I’m fine, Mom.” I nodded seriously, acting like I was telling the truth. “I just have this horrible headache, and we’re out of aspirin.” I slid my chair backwards, ready to make my escape before she went to check the medicine cabinet to prove me wrong. “I think it’s all the stress. I’ll pop down now and pick something up. Do you want anything while I’m out?”
“No, I don’t think so.” She still had that concerned look on her face which made me uneasy. “You take it easy today; I don’t want you getting ill before the wedding.”
I let out a small sigh of relief, a day off from all the stress sounded absolutely amazing–whatever the result of the test
that I was absolutely going to have to buy. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you in a bit.”
As the cool fresh air hit my face, I felt my pulse rate kick up a notch. I gasped in some deep breaths, hoping that I might just calm down, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen any time soon. The closer I got to purchasing the pregnancy test and finding out the truth, the more worried I became.
I tried to picture myself with a baby, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to even begin imagining myself holding a child, being a single mom. Where would I even begin? I was in no place in my life to have a child–I had no home of my own, no job, and I was still in college, for crying out loud! I’d spent the last few years studying towards becoming a lawyer–to follow in my mom’s footsteps–and that was what I’d always thought I wanted. Sure, as soon as I’d started the course, my desire for that life started to wane, but I’d begun then and it was too late to change. I hadn’t ever considered having a different life, and that terrified me.
Now all of my futures were beginning to fade away as an empty black hole of God knows what took its place. The not knowing was almost worse than anything else.
I stepped into the pharmacy and grabbed a pack of aspirin, a pregnancy test, and some protein bars–just to fill up my basket. I knew that being discrete was pointless, but I wanted to try all the same.
“Thank you,” the man behind the counter grumbled as he scanned my items. I felt my face heat up as he got to the test, but he didn’t even blink an eye. He was obviously used to distressed-looking women coming in here and purchasing other random crap to disguise the one thing that they really needed.
Despite knowing all of that, I couldn’t meet his eye. Not even when I paid. I simply gave him the cash, grabbed the bag, and raced back out into the cold air. Then with the test between my fingers, I practically ran home, needing to be away from all the prying eyes that I was now convinced were looking at me.
Just do it, I tried to tell myself. Do the test as soon as you get in, don’t give yourself the time to talk yourself out of it.