Monster Vice

by George P. Saunders

  In 1995 the project was transferred to the CIA and a retrospective evaluation of the results were to be done. The CIA contracted the American Institutes for Research for this evaluation. An analysis conducted by Professor Jessica Utts showed a statistically significant effect, gifted subjects scored 5%-15% above chance, whereas the noted long time CSICOP psychic debunker Ray Hyman concluded a null result. Based upon their collected findings, the CIA followed the recommendation to terminate the 20 million dollar project.

  The “viewers” themselves were from varied backgrounds, with what some described at the time as possessed of traumatized mental and emotional psyches. Arguably, when you’re a psychic, you’re probably out on a limb in terms of your sense of rational thinking and behavior. To go further, it might be fair to say that most self-proclaimed psychics are either frauds or just out of their-fucking-minds-delusional. Perhaps a small percentage actually possess genuine psychic capability, but to wander through the morass of human flotsam that proclaim they are gifted with these clairvoyant talents is not unlike experiencing the unimaginable enduring red-hot probing agony of mercury-tipped enemas. That being said, the effort is probably best left unexpended. Still, it should be noted that professing a talent for psychic ability in, say, a crowded bar filled with beautiful and gullible women who are either drunk or drug-challenged by hallucinogenic assets such as Ecstasy or GBH, such a declaration of psychic enhancement, is practically a certifiable guarantee that one has an excellent chance of getting laid.

  **Nina Kulagina, Ninel Sergeyevna Kulagina (Russian: Нине́ль Серге́евна Кула́гина) (1926 - 1990) was a Russian woman who reportedly had great psychic powers, particularly in psychokinesis. Academic research of her phenomenon was conducted in the USSR for the last twenty years of her life. During the Cold War, silent black-and-white films of her moving objects on a table in front of her without touching them, demonstrating her abilities under controlled conditions for Soviet authorities, caused excitement to many psychic researchers around the world, some of whom believed that they represented clear evidence for the existence of psychic phenomena.

  Nina claimed that in order to manifest the effect, she required a period of meditation to clear her mind of all thoughts. When she had obtained the focus required, she reported a sharp pain in her spine and the blurring of her eyesight. One of Nina's most celebrated experiments took place in a Leningrad laboratory on March 10, 1970. Having initially studied the ability to move inanimate objects, scientists were curious to see if Nina's abilities extended to cells, tissues, and organs. Sergeyev was one of many scientists present when Nina attempted to use her energy to stop the beating of a frog's heart floating in solution. He claims she focused intently on the heart and apparently made it beat faster, then slower, and using extreme intent of thought, stopped it. It goes without saying that this was a tremendous day for scientific observation – but a shit-kicker if you were a certain, unnamed frog in the cross-hairs of a large, surly Russian woman whose sole purpose for thirty minutes was to see how quickly she could consign you to Xenopus tropicalis chordata oblivion.

  [6] The cross-bow dates back to ancient Greek and Chinese times. It was more famously influential in European theater warfare from 800 to roughly 1500 A.D. The arrow-like projectiles of a crossbow are called "bolts." These are much shorter than arrows but can be several times heavier. There is an optimum weight for bolts to achieve maximum kinetic energy, which varies depending on the strength and characteristics of the crossbow. Modern bolts are stamped with a proof mark to ensure their consistent weight. In order to accommodate the groove that the bolt rests in, bolts typically have only two fletches, rather than the three fletches commonly seen on arrows. Crossbow bolts can be fitted with a variety of heads, some with sickle-shaped heads to cut rope or rigging; but the most common is a four-sided point called a quarrel.

  In the case of completely ass-buggering your basic vampire, turning its day or night into bad, bad picnic of pain and suffering, the cross-bows presently being displayed by Colonel Kellog could more than sufficiently do the job with any number of fangs … provided you had the time to reload, fire and reload. Cross-bows could be more quickly and efficiently reloaded, then say, a long-bow – which was also available in this Vampire Room of Impalement and Death. None of these weapons in the opinion of certain law enforcement officers, however, could be more demoralizing to Mr. Cocksucker Nosferatu than a blessed .357 Magnum and a Bishop-blessed stake, preferably of mahogany composition, and sharp as shit on a stick. This is a subjective opinion only, and it could be hazarded in terms of guessing that certain kilt-wearing USMC colonels would argue otherwise – or for that matter, coke n’ shit snortin’ priests with chicken-flavored beards.

  [7] Really, a point must be made for the sake of setting the record straight and for general edification. For anyone remotely confused, autoeroticism is the practice of stimulating oneself sexually. The term was popularised toward the end of the 19th century by British sexologist Havelock Ellis, who defined autoeroticism as "the phenomena of spontaneous sexual emotion generated in the absence of an external stimulus proceeding, directly or indirectly, from another person." The most common autoerotic practice is masturbation, and the two terms are often used as synonyms, although masturbation can also occur with a partner.

  Many people use dildos, vibrators, anal beads, Sybian machines, and other sex toys while alone. Autofellatio, the act of sucking one's own penis, occurs in less than 1% of the male population (is anyone surprised?). Autocunnilingus is the act of licking one's own vulva (now there’s a stocking-stuffer). Both acts are very rare because performing them requires great physical flexibility. There is a joke that the reason dogs lick themselves is that they can. As if this isn’t fucking obvious. Ask any dog, if you speak canine, and he’d tell you that in addition to the can-do dynamic of ball-licking, there’s the ‘shit, that feels real good’ element attendant to such testiticular-tongue-teasing. Further, he would no doubt add that since he’s a dog, there’s really very little else to do with one’s time aside from sniff another dog’s ass, when opportunity arises, sleep, eat, observe various obsequious behavior-patterns for the Master Human providing the Alpo, and then ultimately – irrevocably - taking a shit. Ball-licking comes under the canine category of recreational distraction in an itinerary otherwise crammed with meaningful activity. In any event, that aside, autoerotic behavior is considered to be a normal part of human development, beginning when children are able to stimulate themselves sexually.

  More germane to the current point, some people, for religious or personal reasons, believe autoeroticism to be wrong. For example, masturbation is considered sinful by the Roman Catholic Church because it does away with the procreative and unitive dimensions of the sexual act and only gives one pleasure, and is therefore an offence against chastity.

  To ram the proverbial point fully home (perhaps a poor choice of words given the nature of this defining moment in self-abuse), a few autoerotic practices are considered unsafe. These include autoerotic asphyxiation and self-bondage. The potential for injury or even death that exists while engaging in the partnered versions of these fetishes (the choking game and bondage, respectively) becomes drastically increased due to the isolation and lack of assistance in the event of a problem. Well, Christ. Is there confusion on the jeopardy factor regarding this issue? Questions? Thoughts? Feelings?

  All things being equal – if you’re a vampire-fighting priest who already possesses fetishes of, quite frankly, unfucking believable weirdness (such as snorting the immolated residue of your dead pet, and ‘cutting’ it with some high-priced narcotic like PCP and/or cocaine – not to mention the crystallized remains of your own fecal matter, well -) – chances are you don’t give two corn-dirty ass-nuggets how the Roman Catholic Church feels about whacking off. Further, when such a priest has devoted himself to massage-milking his compadre’s Little Friend Freddy daily to ensure his continuance on the planet … well, be damned to orthodoxy and o
ther trivial banalities concomitant to current religious rules and doctrine. Jerk me once, Father, for I have sinned – Jerk me, twice, and cum on you! This could be a correct inference to, as stated, ‘a little priest humor’.

  [8] This can be viewed as a who-gives-a-shit side note, but in due reverence to Chelonia, order of Testudines, all turtles have extraordinary anaerobic capacity – they have survived up to 33 hours in a pure nitrogen atmosphere. Most reptiles have a high anaerobic capacity compared to mammals, but even they can’t survive much more than 30 minutes without oxygen. Although basically air-breathing, many aquatic species have developed ways to pick up oxygen even when submerged. Of these, the most remarkable, which some turtles share with dragonfly nymphs, sea cucumbers, and certain televangelists, is the ability to breathe through one’s butt. We’ve all heard the expression “blow it our ass.” If you’re a kind of aquatic atramentous mollycoddle, with an asshole heavily vascularized to facilitate the uptake of oxygen, then this is no mere figure of speech.