Love Me Crazy

by Camden Leigh

  “You are Cassidy fucking Beck.” She leans out the glass door. “You don’t give up. You don’t give in. You finish everything and you don’t accept anything but the best. So get in my car and finish the wedding. Finish breaking things off with my brother and don’t accept anyone else in your life because you and I both know Quinn is your fucking best.”

  I freeze, one foot on the road, one hovering above the curb. Can I live with never saying good-bye? Can I live with walking away? I grit my teeth. I don’t want to do either, but walking away means I can skip the good-byes. I’ve done it before. I close my eyes. But leaving Mom was different. She never comforted me the way Quinn does. And this time around, I don’t have hate pushing me out the door like I did back then. I have love pushing me away and that’s worse.

  What if the roles were reversed? Could I live with Quinn walking away without a word? And Ellie, she doesn’t deserve to be put in the middle. I came here for the internship. She was my job. If I leave now, am I failing? I shake my head. Grades are in. What does it matter? But am I failing myself if I don’t see this through to the final “I do”? These are the hiccups and the downfalls, right? The things that make my heart keep beating?

  I turn around and stare at Kat.

  “Just curious,” she says. “Are you leaving to avoid pain? Or are you leaving to avoid love?”

  Annabeth’s dress fits a bit too snugly. I scrunch it around my waist then lift my ass off the seat to pull it down the rest of the way. “Sure had a lot of faith in yourself.” I toss my shirt into the backseat and kick open the shoebox on the floorboard.

  “Faith in you, Cass.” She yanks a hard left into the driveway, then drives over an orange cone to cut across the field leading to the pecan grove.

  We bounce along, hitting God knows what, until she slams the brakes. We whip around, marring the ground with a crescent.

  “Quinn might kill me when he sees his car, but Ellie will make me suffer if I don’t bring your crazy ass back in one piece.”

  I shake my head several times, willing the nausea building in my stomach to stay put. “Are you sure you passed your driver’s test?”

  “Wait until we take the Jeep mudding, then you can tell me how awesome I drive.” She slams her door and comes around to open mine. “Hand me the bag.”

  I toss it to her and she offers her hand. I take it and she pulls me to my feet.

  “Makeup and hair while you and Ellie figure out what changes need to be made.” She points at her dad’s office through the tunnel of oaks.

  “Wait. Ellie moved the ceremony?”

  “You’re surprised? She changes everything at the last minute.”

  “When? I mean, we had the grove set up and ready.”

  “That’s probably the main reason Ellie’s gone loco. We’ve been moving stuff since yesterday morning. Didn’t even have the rehearsal dinner. If I ever get married, remind me to nix chairs. My shins can’t take another beating.”

  “She was so set on the grove.”

  “And like with everything else, she is now ‘so’ set on the oaks.”

  I follow her down the center aisle, maneuvering through the workers carrying huge hydrangea bouquets in the darkest, richest blue I’ve ever seen. The air, the sky, the whole atmosphere is like I’d imagined it could be. I peer overhead. Lights twinkle between the slow-swinging Spanish moss tendrils. Come nightfall, it will be a fairy dream, stars and lights colliding like the fireflies at Fire Swamp.

  “Why did she chose here?” It was my favorite location. Magical and mystical. Perfect for a wedding.

  “Quinn did, actually. He had a photo of one of your drawings. He said this was the perfect place to tell the person who turns your whole world upside-inside-out, that you love them.” She takes the stairs two at a time and holds open the screen door.

  I enter and she slams the screen behind me like a spanking, scooting me right into Ellie’s arms.

  Through the screen Kat adds, “Was he talking about Ellie and Dean . . . or you?”

  Ellie swallows me in her arms, pets my hair and chatters incessantly about changes and Annabeth and Quinn but I can’t take my eyes off Kat.

  Quinn had spoken the same words the day we got caught in the rain. The day I turned blue. The day he’d shoved a barbed heart inside mine and let the tines do his dirty work. The rusted tips punctured my fragile shell and let all my pent-up emotions—hate, fear, anger, sadness—leak. Most unexpected was discovering my need to love someone. And that someone was Quinn.

  “Kat, don’t leave.” My heart shrinks in fear. I push Ellie’s arms away and lunge for the door, but Kat’s halfway down the steps. “I don’t know how to do this!” I yell at her.

  “You don’t have to know how to do everything. You just have to trust someone else does.” She points at her sister. “Ellie, she looks like she’s been steer wrestling. Fix her up right, ’kay?”

  Ellie grabs my arm. “Come on Cassidy.” She pulls me away from the screen. “Time to get you ready for a wedding.”

  Chapter 29

  Quinn

  “Calm the fuck down, man.” Wes presses his hands into my shoulder.

  I’ve got to keep moving. If I stop, all this shit will catch up with me. Cassie. A kid. Annabeth . . . Cassie.

  “Where the hell is she?” I ask for the billionth time. Why won’t he tell me?

  “Kat’s got this. Chill.”

  “Don’t tell me to fucking chill.” I smack his hand away from my tie and walk toward the temporary mirror hanging on the kitchen door. “Lose Kat, then tell me you can chill.”

  “Can’t lose what I don’t have.”

  “And that’s supposed to help?” I glare at Wes through the mirror.

  Damn asshole hasn’t left me alone since I blurted out I had a kid. Best damn asshole I could ever call a friend. Without him steering me in the right direction, I’d be long gone right now. Still out there looking for Cassie. Least he could do is tell me she hasn’t left.

  “You need to get your ass down there for Ellie and Kat. You leave now and it will be the second worst day of their lives. You want that on your shoulders?” Wes folds his arms over his chest.

  The seams pull at the shoulders. The kid must be benching twice his weight. When did he grow up? Everyone changed while I feel stuck on repeat. Wanting to leave again. But he’s fucking right. Leave again and they’ll never forgive me. What’s that saying, Fool me once, shame on you . . . ? I shake my head and growl, punching my hand into the door, missing the mirror by a fraction. Shame on fucking me for leaving the first time.

  “I’m good. I’m good.” I wave Wes off. I inhale and trap air in my lungs, pulling as much energy in as I can. Exhaling through clenched teeth, I nod. “Let’s do this.”

  We take the four-wheelers down to the oaks and meet up with the other groomsmen and Dean. I can’t figure out how Ellie fell for the weirdo. Said it was a sorority mixer or something. I study Dean, then roll my eyes. He’s as boring, plain-Jane-Jim as they get. As long as Ellie’s happy and he’s not an asshole, I guess I approve.

  Ready to get this over with, I move toward the center aisle and peer toward the front. What if Kat can’t persuade Cassie to stay or what if she left and I can’t find her? Damn Annabeth for telling her first. It should’ve been me breaking the news. Me telling Cassie, insuring her a kid changes nothing. A kid. Damn. I’m a father.

  A blast of hot, sticky air whooshes into my lungs. I run my hand across my chin. I turn a circle and stare at the setup between the oaks.

  “Wrong direction.” Wes steps in front, blocking my view.

  I nod. “Right. You’re right.”

  “I know you’ve been dealt the worst and best news, but you aren’t the only one it affects. Take it a person at a time. Ellie first.” He points down the aisle. “Cassie second and you . . . last.” He looks over my shoulder, then back at me. “Don’t fuck this up. Here.” He reaches behind him, flips up his vest, and pulls out a flask.

  Best advice I
’ve ever gotten. Put myself last.

  I nod and take the flask. One, two gulps later, the burn marks my throat. My empty stomach. Heat like fire. I deserve to burn for what I did to my sisters. I deserve to burn for leaving a boy without his father. When the warmth subsides, I nod thanks to Wes. “Life’s a motherfuckin’ bitch.”

  He laughs and takes a swig before handing it off to Dean. “Yep, till you make it your bitch.”

  Feeling somewhat better, I follow the guys to our spot. Dean shakes out his arms and clears his throat several times. I feel no sympathy for him. Marrying into our family should scare the piss out of him. Since he’s still here now, he’s either stupid as shit or maybe, just maybe, he’s decent and knows how to hold his own around a bunch of crazy women. I’m praying for Ellie’s sake it’s the latter. I pat him on the back and give him my blessing. I think it stuns the happy right out of him because he turns whiter than his starched shirt.

  He tugs at the collar. “Thanks, man. You have no idea what a relief that is.” He claps hands with mine and we shake before hugging it out. “Thanks.”

  The music starts and one of Mom’s minions sends Dean’s parents down the aisle. Then Mom heads down. Luckily I avoided running into her before now, because not knowing Cassie’s whereabouts exacerbates my inability to restrain from biting anyone’s head off. And she has it coming. I can’t believe she kept the news from me, too.

  Cassie’s replacement taps her earpiece and cues the string ensemble. I’d hoped to see her standing there. Cassie heading the event. Cassie where she’s supposed to be. Here. Here. Here.

  The woman grabs each guy’s arm one at a time. She holds them from advancing, taps the beat to the music then releases them down the aisle. She sends Dean last. He skips the pacing shit and make his way to the front.

  I wait, hands fisted in my pockets to hide my aggravation, as Dean climbs the platform to stand beneath an arch covered in dark-green vines and syrupy-sweet flowers the color of summer. He bats away a bee as the string quartet shifts to a different tune.

  One by one, the bridesmaids walk past me and the coordinator, and down the same carpet. They do it better, of course, all dolled up in Covington indigo, their eyes bright and smiling, soaking up the limelight before Ellie steals it. Girls and their fucking parties.

  My cousin Lucy shoots down the aisle, then her sister.

  And then there’s Kat. The only female to possess a huge chunk of my heart other than Cassie. Kat latched onto me the moment she took her first steps. I was five and running around with my new pellet gun, pretending my sisters were bucks. I’d lined Kat up in the scope, ready to add her to my trophy deer collection. She pulled up on the coffee table and pushed the gun barrel out of her face and said, “Bad, Quinny. Bad.” Then she walked over to me and gave me a huge hug. I didn’t play with that gun the rest of the day.

  I smile at Kat as she walks straight up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek. “Thank you for not leaving.” She hugs me tight, breaking several flower tops off the bunch she’s holding. “Hold steady, okay?”

  Afraid if I talk, I’ll either fly off the handle, beg her for news or, the opposite, lose control and cry like a pussy, I scratch my chin with steel-fisted knuckles. That’s when I see her.

  “Cassie,” I breathe. I take a step forward but the coordinator grabs my arm.

  My heart marches quadruple time to the music. My head spins from the heat. From seeing her. From not running to her. I wipe my brow and then my lip, wishing away the heat to focus on one thing.

  Her hair swept out of her face, stacks on top of her head like a waterfall of Spanish moss, curls framing her beautiful face. Her eyes, cast down, sparkle with too much makeup. My sister’s doing probably, but I’d take her painted like a clown. I glance at Kat, then Wes, and issue self-control not to sweep Cassie away and shake answers from her. I rock back on my heels and heave a leaden breath.

  She looks up, stopping between the rows. The pink in her skin fades, then flushes bright red, hiding her freckles. My freckles. My girl.

  The flowers she’s holding drop to her side. She rubs her arm, looks over her shoulder to Ellie walking this way, then to Kat at the front. Her eyes question my sister, then they turn on me and question me with an even more intense need for answers, furrowing her forehead into parallel grooves.

  The coordinator clears her throat and Cassie snaps her head around to peer behind her. Ellie blocks her escape. Thank fuck for that. Cassie’s chest puffs up. Her chin raises as her gaze glues to the front.

  Her lips tremble as she bites on her cheek, something she does when she’s in deep thought or working her way through a problem. I imagine she’s done it her entire life. First with math problems. Then with parental problems. And now with me. My gaze drops. I don’t want to be her problem. I don’t want to be worked out like an equation. I find her face. I want to be her solution to everything.

  Cassie moves down the aisle and finds her space opposite of my mark. She keeps her eyes on her flowers, but her chin up. Ellie’s glowing presence moves into my periphery. I turn, and though I’m racked with impatience, time stops as my sister pauses beside me.

  Creamy white lace falls gracefully from her neck. Conservative like Ellie. Beautiful like Ellie. But the indigo sash, as piercing blue as her eyes, gives it a modern, fierce touch. She’s breathtaking, and it breaks my heart that Dad isn’t here to give her away. I could kick myself for being gone so long and almost missing this.

  I take her hand and give her a kiss. “You’re beautiful, Sis.”

  “Thank you,” she says, and laughs nervously.

  I smile and fix her flapping veil behind her. “Are you ready?”

  “Very.”

  “Then let’s get you married.” I wrap her arm around mine and escort her down the aisle. My heart, a slight bit more jovial than fifteen minutes ago.

  Once Ellie steps next to Dean and I’m in my spot, Cassie comes into focus. I can’t take my eyes off her, afraid she’ll be gone the minute I look away. It’s the longest twenty minutes of my life. Readings, vows, prayers.

  I fiddle with the ring in my pocket and say my own selfish prayer. I tug my tie, loosening it. Tightening it. Loosening it again. I’m so goddamn hot. Cassie never once looks in my direction. Eyes trained on Ellie, it’s like I’m not here. Wes taps my arm and points to the officiant.

  I move forward and hold out the gold band. Cassie moves in across from me and does the same. The officiant overlaps our hands to say a prayer over the rings. The heat from Cassie’s skin has me inching closer. Cassie’s eyes flash to mine. I grab her hand. She pulls. Ellie places her hands over both of ours, a begging smile for control on her face.

  My heart rattles like tools in the back of the pickup. I squeeze Cassie’s hand until she looks up. “Why?”

  Her eyes flit to Ellie, then back to me. She shakes her head.

  “Tell me why?” I whisper again.

  The officiant clears his throat but doesn’t break his recitation. He gestures for the rings but I can’t let Cassie’s hand go.

  “Leaving’s easier,” she whispers, and it’s a knife in my heart. Twisting and turning, bleeding me of all feeling until I’m numb.

  Cassie takes the ring from my hand and gives both to the officiant. She scoots back to her spot, just out of view.

  “Quinn,” Ellie whispers. “Go back to your spot.”

  I look at my sister’s eyes. Her nose. Her pretty little grin.

  I lean into her. “Is that how y’all felt . . . the day you realized I wasn’t coming back?”

  Dean shifts his weight.

  “Is it?” I ask again. “Because it hurts like hell and I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Ellie. To all of y’all.”

  She grabs my hand. “It’s okay. We don’t need a reason anymore. We just need to know you’ll stay.” Her hand rubs over mine, then pats me on the cheek. “You’re here now. That’s what matters.”

  I nod. That’s what matters. I move back into my
spot and Wes squeezes my shoulder. I’m here, that’s what matters. I glance up and catch Cassie’s eyes. Her small smile. Her wish for me to understand. She’s right here and she’s all that matters. Relief parts my lips in a quiet sigh.

  The officiant finishes the ceremony. The strings play the recessional, and Dean and Ellie head down the aisle. I’m up next, paired with Cassie. We meet in the middle, and I offer my arm. She slides her hand around it and I clamp my hand over hers, spreading her fingers with mine. Panic slides across her face in a wave of whitewash before returning her freckles to their normal amber hue. I can’t move, don’t want to. I just want everyone else to disappear so we can talk this out.

  “Y’all go,” Kat urges.

  I shake my head.

  She moves around us and down the aisle with Wes. Two-by-two, the wedding party leaves. We’re last. Me and Cassie.

  “We’ve got to go,” she says.

  I nod and follow her lead.

  “Annabeth talked to me,” I whisper.

  This causes her to turn. I smile and she squeezes her cute little plum lips together in a scowl.

  “I could’ve used you afterward.”

  “I’m sure she has plenty to give.”

  “Yes. Yes, she does. But I don’t want anything from her. I needed you. I had to settle for Wes.” I pat her hand. “Bawled like a baby.”

  She doesn’t say anything as we follow the other bridesmaids down the path and behind the oaks to wait for the crew to disassemble the chairs and ready the dance floor for our introductions.

  “Your mom warned me to stay away from you.” She tugs her hand but I squeeze my fingers around it tighter.

  “Because you’re so perfect.”

  “Because you’re her son.”

  “Because she knew you could steal my heart.”

  “Because I’m not Annabeth.”

  “Because I love you crazy.”

  She stops tugging and stares into my eyes. “She should have told me why. I would’ve stepped aside. She’s right to want you committing all your time to your son, instead of me. He deserves a father.”