Shadows of the Past

by Balik, Shea

  Kassian slowly nodded. He still felt that way. Each time Hudson held him, Kassian buried his nose in the crook of his neck and inhaled as deeply as he could.

  Hudson leaned in and pressed a brief, yet soft kiss to his lips, leaving Kassian a little breathless. “How when we kiss, something almost tangible passes between us?” They kissed again and that tingle that always happened when their mouths met sank into his lips and traveled through his body to land in his balls.

  Then Hudson laid the tip of his finger along Kassian’s cheek. “How just the barest of touches brings something deep within you alive?”

  Kassian opened his mouth but no words came out as emotions he hadn’t even known he’d had caused his throat to thicken. He cleared his throat and started again. “What you’re saying is that mating is a physical thing?”

  That finger traced a path from his cheek down his throat, causing shivers to race up and down Kassian’s spine. “Oh, it’s definitely physical, my mate.” Hudson’s voice was husky as he leaned back in and gave Kassian kisses. They were way too brief, but had Kassian’s dick throbbing as it tried to punch a hole in his pants.

  “But it’s far more than just physical.” Hudson pulled back, his lips curving up slightly. “I don’t know if all mates fall in love, but the ones I’ve witnessed do, in time. That is where the trust comes in. The knowledge that there is one person in this world who will always have your back.”

  The desperate need to believe Hudson spoke the truth had Kassian opening his mouth. “It started when Mila and I tried to catch Santa leaving us gifts.”

  CHAPTER 12

  The most mouth-watering aroma tickled Kassian’s nose, bringing him out of the fourth straight night with no nightmares. In the beginning, Hudson had slept on the couch. Each time Kassian screamed in his sleep, his mate would burst into his room and force him awake.

  More importantly, he held Kassian for the rest of the night, allowing him sleep without being plagued by nightmares. Four nights ago, Kassian decided to ask Hudson to go to bed with him. The feel of his mate’s strong body against him, holding him, gave Kassian the peace he needed to keep the nightmares at bay.

  Happiness flowed through him as he thought about what it was like to sleep next to Hudson. His body wanted more, but Kassian wasn’t sure what that was, exactly. During puberty his penis used to get hard all the time. Not sure what was happening to him, he’d bought a few books on the topic whenever he went to town to buy groceries.

  Those books had been eye opening for sure, but also informative. And he found he wanted to try some of it out with Hudson. He just wasn’t sure how to bring it up.

  More tantalizing scents wafted into the room making his stomach growl. Pushing back the comforter, he swung his legs to the floor and padded to the bathroom.

  It didn’t take long before he was padding down the hallway to the stairs. He wasn’t thrilled about whatever Hudson was trying to make for breakfast. Kassian had tried several of the dishes Hudson had created. All of them had been difficult to even swallow much less eat everything that was on his plate.

  Thankfully, Hudson never forced him to consume more than a bite before realizing just how bad it truly was. Because of this, Hudson had resorted to calling his friends to help. Each day Hudson drove to get prepared dishes either Jari or Harper made. He was only gone a very short time, which he assumed was so Kassian didn’t have to be alone for long.

  “Are you almost done?” Hudson’s voice came from the kitchen. At first Kassian thought he had been talking to him, but then he heard Hudson say, “Kassian will be down any moment and I don’t want him to freak out to find you here.”

  “No more than five minutes,” an unfamiliar voice said. “You know this wouldn’t be an issue if you’d just learn to cook instead of burning everything.”

  “Hey,” Hudson said. “I’ve tried. No matter how simple you claim the recipe was, it never turned out well.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m still not sure why you thought scrambled eggs should be cooked until they were brown. Have you ever seen the many platters of eggs I’ve served you end up brown? No. You haven’t.” The other voice sounded agitated.

  “Yeah, I know that, now.” Hudson sounded put off by the reprimand the other guy gave him. “Seriously. Could you speed this up? It’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t want it to start off on a bad note because Kassian isn’t ready to meet you.”

  It was hearing Hudson that had Kassian realizing he was still in the hallway, at the top of the stairs, in a squat with his arms wrapped around his head to hide him. He may not know who it was in the kitchen with Hudson, he could guess since that person was cooking, it was either Jari or Harper. From all the stories Hudson had told him about both men, they seemed nice.

  So why was he hiding? Why was he cowering like that little kid from so long ago? He was a man. He needed to find the courage to meet Hudson’s friends. Maybe not all at once, but this guy was there to make them an edible breakfast. The least he could do was to thank him. Right?

  Taking a deep breath, Kassian stood up. His hand shook as he put it on the railing and took his first step down. At the halfway mark, his whole body was shaking so much he was having trouble standing, much less walking.

  “Finished,” the man cooking said. “Just keep the platter in the oven on warm until Kassian comes down.”

  “Thank you so much, Jari” Hudson said. “As great as your breakfast casseroles are, I wanted Kassian to experience my favorite breakfast.”

  The door to the kitchen swung open as Jari said, “No problem. I was happy to do it. I hope Kassian…” Jari stopped in his tracks as he caught sight of Kassian as he reached the landing.

  “Kassian.” Hudson rushed to his side and wrapped him up in a hug. “I’m sorry. I had hoped Jari would be gone by the time you came down. Are you okay?”

  He took some of Hudson’s strength, and nodded. “I think so. I would like to meet Jari and thank him if that’s okay.”

  Hudson leaned back, his eyebrows raised halfway up his forehead. “Are you sure? You don’t have to you know.”

  Kassian appreciated Hudson’s concern. “I’m sure.” To prove his point, Kassian took a step around Hudson and faced Jari, who was a little shorter than he was. “Hi.” He held out his hand to Jari. “I’m Kassian. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Jari smiled warmly and shook his hand. “I’m Jari. I’m can’t tell you how happy I am to meet the man who’s made Hudson so happy.”

  That was all it took for Kassian to feel at ease. “You think I make him happy?” It warmed his heart to hear that.

  Jari’s grin grew. “Definitely. Before you came along, the only time I ever saw Hudson smile was when he was chasing ghosts.”

  He couldn’t help but laugh at that. His sister had always had a way of putting a smile on people’s faces. “That ghost is my sister, Mila.” It still hurt to think about her, but Kassian was learning to remember the good times with her instead of dwelling on the end.

  Jari’s grin disappeared. “I’m sorry for your loss. I know it couldn’t have been easy to lose her so young.”

  A tear rolled down Kassian’s cheek. Just like every other time he’d needed Hudson, his mate put his arms around him and pulled his back to that broad chest. It was like being cocooned in comfort, safety and possibly even love. It wasn’t something they’d talked about, but Kassian felt it, as surely as he still felt Mila’s love when she was around.

  “Thank you for your kind words. And thank you for making all those delicious meals.” Kassian feared Hudson would have starved long ago if it hadn’t been for his friends. For him, eating raw vegetables was good enough in the winter when grilling became difficult. But for Hudson, nothing but vegetables didn’t do it.

  “Did I hear you made us breakfast?” he asked even though he knew the answer.

  Jari’s smile returned, although it wasn’t as bright. “I did. Hudson wanted me to make you French toast and bacon.”

  His mom used to make that
when he was a kid. His sister’s favorite was pancakes but Kassian had always preferred French toast. His dad liked waffles. They kept his mom busy with their different tastes.

  “Would you like to stay and eat with us?” He hadn’t intended to ask Jari to actually stick around longer, but with Hudson holding him, Kassian found himself having enough courage to do so.

  Jari seemed startled. “Oh, uhm, yeah. I would love to.” He pulled out a phone similar to the one he’d seen Hudson use. “Let me just make a call to my mate, so he doesn’t worry about me when I’m gone longer than planned.”

  While Jari spoke to his mate, Hudson pulled Kassian into the kitchen. “Are you sure you want Jari to stay? You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”

  If Hudson had asked Kassian last night, he would have said he hadn’t wanted Jari in his house. Yet, now that he’d met him, it hadn’t been nearly as scary as he thought it would be. He placed a hand on Hudson’s cheek and stood up on his tiptoes to give him a kiss.

  “Thank you, but I promise, I’m fine.” The weirdest part was that he meant it. He felt good. Even a little excited.

  He’d thought the new year ushering in some sort of new beginning as the world seemed to believe was nothing but a hoax. For the first time in seventy-three years, Kassian felt that anticipation of experiencing a new beginning. One with a mate and maybe a few friends.

  If nothing else, he now knew he could have a life outside of his past. Oh, it was still there, but it wasn’t all there was. He had Hudson to thank for that.

  His scalp stung as his hair was pulled again. He rolled his eyes at Mila’s demand for the credit. She probably deserved it. If it hadn’t of been for her, he would killed himself long ago. She saved him. For that, she deserved to be celebrated, for he would have never have met his mate or discovered that happiness was something he could have.

  CHAPTER 13

  Hudson was so proud of his mate for not only asking Jari to stay, but for carrying on a conversation with him during breakfast. “Thank you again, Jari for making us breakfast,” Hudson stood with his mate tucked against his side as they said good-bye to Jari.

  His little body shook slightly, but he didn’t appear ready to fall apart. Still, it was time to have Jari leave so Kassian could have some alone time. Well, alone with Hudson.

  “It was my pleasure,” Jari said as he walked out the door to the porch. Then he looked at Kassian, but didn’t try to hold out his hand or hug him as Jari normally would have done. It was obvious his little bunny wasn’t up for that much contact just yet. “I enjoyed meeting you, Kassian. I hope we can do it again soon.”

  Kassian only nodded as if words were a bit too much at this point. Thankfully, Jari wasn’t the kind of person to take offense when someone clearly had reached their breaking point. He just gave a wave, turned on his heel and headed to the SUV Lucca and he had bought. It was small enough not to overwhelm Jari’s smaller stature, yet tough enough to keep him safe in an accident.

  The moment Hudson shut the door, Kassian sank into his side as if his legs wouldn’t hold him any longer. Hudson didn’t hesitate to scoop him up in his arms and carry him to the couch. The fire, which Hudson had lit when he’d gotten up needed more logs or it would go out soon.

  Reluctantly, Hudson lay his mate onto the cushions and turned to stoke the fire and add a few more logs. Then he lifted Kassian back into his arms and sat down with his mate securely ensconced on his lap.

  Hudson smiled when he heard Kassian inhale deeply as he buried his nose in the crook of his neck. “I am so proud of you, Kassian. I know how hard that was for you, yet you did it and I could tell Jari really liked you.” His mate didn’t speak. “You okay, little bunny?”

  For several minutes Kassian didn’t say anything as he curled up against Hudson’s chest. The slight tremble had stopped after Kassian had taken three deep breaths but he remained silent as they stared at the fire.

  Hudson didn’t mind. His mate could take as much time as he needed after what he’d just accomplished. Slowly, Hudson stroked Kassian’s back, hoping his touch conveyed how much he loved the man who had somehow found a way to break down the barriers Hudson thought had surrounded his heart.

  He’d felt nothing for so long, there were times when Hudson wondered if he even still had a heart. But it had just taken one look into those haunted gray eyes for the first crack to appear as his heart beat with emotion for the first time in decades.

  He was in his late forties, a baby in the shifter world. However, he’d been forced to hide any and all feeling from the world and it had felt like eternity. He hated his parents for essentially turning him into a robot. Even more he hated himself for allowing them to do it.

  Kassian’s head came off his shoulder. Those gray eyes he loved so much stared at him with curiosity. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” It was an automatic response, one Hudson had learned to use to deflect talk that might reveal he wasn’t as unfeeling as he tried to be. That he blamed on his friends. For if it hadn’t of been for them, Hudson was sure he would have turned into a callous bastard who didn’t care that he killed people for a living.

  His mate stared at him for another moment, refusing to allow Hudson to look away. “I’m the last person to force anyone to talk about something, but as a wise man once told me, sometimes sharing the pain of the past helps, especially when you do so with the one person who will always be on your side.”

  Then he lay his cheek back on Hudson’s shoulder and said, “As for if I’m okay, I think so. It was hard spending so much time with someone else. At the same time, I liked Jari and I can see becoming friends with him.”

  Humbled by his mate’s ability to open up to him after being alone inside the horrors of his own past for so long, Hudson knew it was time for him to own up to his past. With Kassian having been mostly isolated since he was nine, Hudson started at the very beginning.

  “Did you know that up until recently it was illegal for a shifter to be gay?”

  Kassian snorted. He tilted his head to look up at Hudson. “How exactly did they stop someone from being gay?”

  Sadly, Hudson said, “By killing them.”

  His mate blinked at him. Then blinked again. Hudson could almost see his brain trying to wrap itself around that fact. Hudson had lived with that knowledge his entire life and he still hadn’t managed to understand it.

  “But you told me there are hundreds of people making Miracle their home and most of them are gay. How are there so many gays if they were killed?” Kassian asked.

  For all the pain and horror his mate had lived through, it was sometimes easy to forget how naïve he was to the way the world. “They hid their true feelings. We did whatever it took to ensure no one ever found out the truth.”

  Hudson begin his story when he was five and he and his friends were sworn to secrecy or risk being killed. It was hard to believe, but it had been that moment more than his parents berating him for showing emotion that caused that first layer of bricks to form around his heart.

  “When we were sixteen and starting to have stronger sexual urges, my friends and I made another pact. Several of us were out of the closet to each other. Lucca had been the last of us to admit it when we were twenty, but we’d all known the truth long before that.” God, they had been so damn naïve back then.

  “We knew, one day, someone would find out about one of us and we’d need to run.” Why they hadn’t done so before their pack ever knew, Hudson would never understand. It had been Edrick who had convinced them it was better to stay as long as possible so they could become proficient at protecting themselves.

  “For some unknown reason, my friends decided I would make the perfect lawyer.” He still hated law, almost as much as he hated killing.

  Kassian sat up on his lap, his eyes wide as saucers. “You’re a lawyer?”

  Hudson nodded. “I ended up going into the military first and becoming a snipper, but I also went to school to get my degree in law. P
lus studied shifter laws. There’s no actual degree for that as shifters don’t have a school, but it wasn’t hard to read all our bylaws after graduating from the humans’ law school.”

  Kassian’s brows furrowed, created a crease between them. “Did you say you were a snipper?”

  Hudson nodded.

  “Doesn’t that mean you kill people?” his mate asked.

  Hudson closed his eyes not wanting to see his mate’s reaction. Then he nodded again.

  His breath caught in his throat when he felt the softest lips in the world touch his. His eyes flew open to meet Kassian’s filled with so much love that Hudson felt tears roll down his cheeks as the impact of that simple kiss slammed into him.

  His mate hadn’t turned away in disgust. As much as his heart soared that Kassian didn’t hate him, Hudson wasn’t ready to trust that when he heard everything, he wouldn’t do just that.

  So he leaned back from those lips that he desperately wanted to get lost in and said, “In the military I mostly killed the enemy.” His throat thickened making it hard to get the next part out. “But my alpha, Edrick’s father, had me kill shifters whose only sin was to either disagree with him, or…” he stuttered, hating himself for this next part.

  Once more he closed his eyes. He didn’t think he could survive seeing the condemnation in his mate’s eyes as he said, “I also had to kill those who were believed to be…” he paused as he swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat. “Gay.”

  Tears were now falling freely down his cheeks as he thought about all those lives he’d ended, all because he’d feared his alpha finding out he was gay. Hudson might have been okay with his own death, but he couldn’t stand the knowledge that his friends would most likely be found out too.

  Everyone in the pack knew how close they were. They’d never believe his friends didn’t know he was gay. Even if they’d managed to keep their own sexual orientation secret, the fact that they hadn’t told their alpha about Hudson was enough to have them sentenced to death.