Illicit Desires (The Illicit Series Book 1)

by Rose B Mashal

  After a while her steps slowed down and we walked awkwardly. I hated to follow her like a lost dog, but I couldn't fucking do any other thing.

  A few moments later we sat on one of the benches. She didn't acknowledge my presence at all, and I didn't say anything about it.

  I got up and saw her keeping an eye on me out of the corner of my eye. I thought she was somewhat afraid I'd leave, but of course I would never do that, at least not before the guys got off the fucking thing and we could go on with our fucking night.

  "I brought you cotton candy!" I said, smiling.

  Peace offering…

  Her eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning and she smiled brightly, murmuring a small, ''Thanks."

  Women!

  I watched her as she took piece after piece of the pink fluff and put it into her mouth. A few bites later, I figured it'd be better if I looked away, watching her all sweet and tender like that made my heart ache.

  "Do you want some?" she asked.

  "Not gonna eat girly stuff, thank you very much!"

  "C'mon, it's just sugar." She took another piece and held it in front of my mouth. I looked at her, then at her hand, and she nodded in encouragement with a smile.

  How can I say no to those eyes? I took it from her hand with my mouth, trying my hardest not to touch her fingers, but failing a little.

  Her eyes watched me as I did it, her lips slightly parted. Then in one second she shrugged away that expression, whatever was it, and just smiled.

  I reached for the cotton candy and took a small piece, then offered it to her. She took my hand that was holding the piece and smiled, her eyes watched mine watching her as she darted her tongue out and tasted the candy. Then her lips wrapped around my fingers, and ate the cotton candy off of them. I almost lost it when I felt her tongue touching my fingertips.

  I swallowed thickly when she backed away and offered me another fucking sweet smile.

  "Do you want to go for a walk?" she asked.

  "Sure,"

  I got up and tried awkwardly to adjust my hard-on through the material of my jeans, then followed her. We were far away from the rollercoaster, but we still could see it since it was so high and all. Lily stopped and looked at it.

  "I still remember the last time I rode one, you know?" she said.

  ''Yeah, me too,"

  "It was fun," she said in a soft voice.

  "It was, we could have joined them, you know?"

  "You know I can't, not without you," I knew very well what she meant. Lily still rode it every now and then, but not without me. Her only condition to ride it was for me to be with her in the same seat, beside her.

  "I would've still been there beside you,"

  "Yeah, and leave your girlfriend alone." She rolled her eyes and looked away, not believing me.

  "Who am I with right now, Lily?" I asked as I touched her chin and forced her lightly to look at me.

  She looked up at me, and just stared, not saying anything. I dropped my hand, but stayed close to her, never breaking my eye contact with her. She looked so fucking beautiful.

  "I always feel safe while you're beside me, Adrian," she whispered, moving a lock of her hair behind her ear, still looking at me with so much sweetness in her eyes.

  My eyes widened slightly as Ian's words came rushing back into my head.

  "When you are talking with a girl and she does this 'moving a lock of her hair behind her ear' thing, that means she's silently begging you to kiss her."

  Could it be true?

  "Yeah, trust me. Especially when she's all smiling and looking at you like the sun just rose up from your ass or some shit like that."

  Fuck!

  Without a second thought, I crushed my lips to hers.

  God! How much had I wanted to do that? How fucking long! I kissed her with all the passion I had for her, hard. I wrapped my arms around her body and pressed her into me.

  She brought her hand to my neck and I thought it was to push me away, but to my surprise she buried her hands in my hair and pulled me into her lips. I fucking died!

  I parted my lips slightly and tasted her lips, somewhat still afraid she'd pull away, but she fucking let me in! My tongue played with hers in a slow, sweet dance. She tasted like fucking heaven. My hand roamed all over her back, and I heard her moaning as I sucked on her bottom lip.

  When breathing was becoming much needed, we broke our kiss. I really didn't care if I suffocated; dying while kissing her would be the best way to go, ever.

  I rested my forehead on hers. We both were panting heavily, and I swore my heart was really trying to bust out of my fucking chest. Moments later, we parted. I hated it, but she pulled back.

  She stared at me for a second, her face now clear of any emotions. Then her eyes widened a little and a gasp escaped her.

  Her hand was suddenly in front of my face like she was ready to slap me. Are you fucking kidding me? I held her hand before it touched me.

  "Hold on there, little sister," I snarled," Enough with the denial! You want me just as much as I fucking want you!"

  It wasn't normal.

  The things I was feeling … they weren’t normal. It was shameful to even think about it, but every time I saw him with her, I felt that unfamiliar ache in my chest. I was jealous.

  Like really, really jealous. I never knew what jealousy felt like until the day I saw them together. I didn't know why, but every time I saw them kissing all I wanted to do was to jump on her and pull all her freaking hair out. One by one.

  I came to realize that it wasn't just the fact that it was Emma who was with him and not any other girl – since I didn't like Emma and all – no, I knew I would feel the same if it was any other girl, I acknowledged that. Not to mention, the reason why I didn't like Emma in the first place was because she always flirted with Adrian nonstop. I just didn't pay attention to that before.

  The jealousy had been eating me from the inside out for months now. I started to put two and two together, but part of me still didn't want to believe it—simply because it couldn't be. It couldn't be that I… h-had other feelings for him.

  It wasn't normal.

  Why on earth was I so freaking excited about the whole freaking carnival thing?! I knew it was supposed to be fun, but all I did there was walk behind the 'happy couple' and watch them as they laughed together, held hands and gave freaking stuffed animals to each other. I looked stupid walking alone like that, completely feeling like the freaking third wheel—or the seventh.

  It wasn't fair! They should've thought about my feelings, but who was I kidding, even my stupid, stupid brother didn't care.

  You'd think that I could at least walk with Ian since he was forever single and all, but of course not. He wasn't wasting any of his time; I swear I saw him flirting with about four different girls in a couple of hours, and making out with two of them in half of that time.

  Ugh! Such a man-whore!

  And then, to add more water to the dirt and make more of a muddle in my already messed-up head, they wanted to get on a freaking rollercoaster! A rollercoaster! Didn't they know what it did to girls? They were all a bunch of idiots.

  A few years ago I wanted to ride one, but I was too freaking short to be allowed to. I was crying and screaming my head off, desperately wanting to have fun, too, when an older girl with short red hair came to me and told me that I shouldn't get so upset like that. She said that I should consider myself lucky, and then told me a horrible story about her last time on a rollercoaster, when she was hanging upside down for hours and hours from her hair before they rescued her by cutting it.

  Well, I knew that it might be a made-up story, since she kept laughing when I almost peed my pants while I was listening to her, but you never know. I was freaking scarred for life.

  "Hold on there, little sister! You want me just as much as I want you!" he snarled. I just stared at him with wide eyes, parted lips, and a frown.

  Has he lost his mind?

  —It
isn’t true!

  Is it?

  —Of course not.

  Do I?

  —No… No, it couldn't be.

  His hand was still clutching my forearm, preventing me from slapping him. How could he do that? How could he kiss me like that?

  He'd lost his mind!

  He gripped my hand tighter and pulled me to him roughly; again our lips found each other's… uh, I meant his lips found mine. He kissed me so hard, so deeply, and so passionately. And, I kissed him back! What the heck was wrong with me?

  "Get a room!" someone said. His or her voice was clear, but it felt like I was hearing it from underwater. For some reason my legs buckled and I felt dizzy, but his hands held my body firmly and didn't allow me to fall.

  I heard a whistle from a passerby, and that was what woke me up. I pushed him away with all of my strength. He didn't want to pull away, but eventually he did after I told him: "Adrian! People are watching!" My voice was full of panic; it wasn't right.

  It wasn't normal.

  "They don't know us. I won't let go before you say it!" he growled. He wasn't kissing me anymore, but he was holding me tightly by the arms, his eyes holding hot fire.

  "Let go of me, please!" My voice was low, and my throat felt tight all of a sudden. It felt like I was choking.

  "Not before you admit it!" he roared. "Tell me that you want me, too!"

  "Let go!"

  "Say it!" he demanded. "Loud and proud!"

  "No!" I yelled and pulled myself away from his hold.

  "Is everything okay here?" some guy asked. I looked up and saw that he was one of the security staff.

  "Everything is fine," Adrian replied.

  "I still have to hear it from the lady. Miss? Are you okay?"

  "Yes, I'm fine," I choked out. "Nothing is wrong."

  The security guard eyed us suspiciously, but then he nodded and left, and I sighed in relief.

  "Let's go!" Adrian said, and gripped my hand as he started to walk.

  I shrugged my hand away, I was confused as heck. I didn't even know what I was doing or what I should do, all I could think about was what I actually did, and I was disgusted with myself. "Don't touch me, okay? If you touch me again, I swear I'll fucking scream and I won't say I'm fine when they ask."

  Adrian still had a hard time believing I was able to curse, but it seemed like it was the only way I could make him believe I was serious. He let go.

  I need a ride, I'm outside. ~L

  "If you'd just tell me what's going on!" Ian said.

  "I just wanna go ho-ome!" I sobbed.

  "Adrian was being a dick to you again, wasn't he?" he asked.

  I replied with another sob.

  "Means he was …" he sighed.

  "Do you guys do anything but fight?" he asked again after a moment.

  Yes, actually, we do. He goes down on me when I'm asleep, and I have sexual dreams about him like all the time… Oh, yeah, and we make out sometimes. I wept harder at the thought and started the ugly crying, with loud sobs and all. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with us?

  "God! Come here, sweetie," he offered me his arm, keeping his other hand on the steering wheel. I moved a little so I could rest my head on his chest where I cried some more as he rubbed my back soothingly.

  When Ian dropped me off at my house, I went to my room right away, changing into some shorts and a tank top. Then, I cried myself to sleep.

  I turned in my bed to find my pillow, I hugged it tightly as rubbed my cheek over it slightly. It felt so soft and warm. I hummed in comfort and hugged it some more, but something felt abnormal about my pillow … it had a heartbeat?

  I jerked away immediately to hear him chuckling and it kinda pissed me off. He was lying down on my bed with his arm behind his head, his hair was slightly damp, and he was looking all ho— … ahem … he looked stupid.

  "Sweet dreams, little sister?" he asked with a stupidly beautiful grin written all over his face.

  I panicked, thinking I had talked in my sleep, but then I whipped the concern away from my face and tried not to freak out; maybe I hadn't said anything and he was just asking.

  I didn't say anything… I didn't say anything… I didn't say anything…

  "What are you doing here?" I asked in annoyance.

  "I brought you breakfast," he said with a crooked smile. He reached for the small tray on my nightstand and brought it in front of me, where I saw a glass of milk and some pancakes on it.

  I gave him a questioning look.

  "What? I can't bring my sweet little sister breakfast?" he smirked, and I didn't reply. "Eat."

  Before my breakfast, I asked him politely to hand me my purse that was on my desk. My insulin pen was in it, and used it before I took the glass and drank some of the milk, which was a tiny bit sweet – just the way I liked it. I wanted to smile at him for the nice gesture, but something in me refused to allow me to do so. I mean, c'mon! The last time we'd talked, it was actually kind of a fight, and I didn't even want to think about it.

  "Please eat some, little sister." He offered me one of the pancakes. It was really close to my mouth, like he wanted to feed me, but I took it from his hand and ignored the sigh of disappointment that he let out – what was his problem?

  He watched me as I ate, and I flinched when he moved a stray lock of my hair behind my ear, which caused a frown to appear on his handsome features… Uh, I meant his features—just features.

  "Was it okay?" he asked when I finished eating and drinking my milk.

  "It was really good, thank you." I offered him a small – slash – awkward smile. I just couldn't help but feel that there was a very big pink elephant in the room that kept staring and sticking its pink tongue out at me.

  "I wanna talk about last night." He took the tray from me with one hand and placed it on the nightstand. He then readjusted himself on the bed to sit facing me.

  "Uh, I…uh… I had fun at the carnival," I said, ignoring what I knew he really wanted to talk about.

  "Lily, you know very well what I want to talk about, and it has nothing to do with the carnival itself. It's about what happened there."

  "I… I, uh… I don't know what you're talking about."

  He drew in a long breath, then he slowly let it out as if he was trying to calm himself down or something.

  "Lily, last night, in case you didn't notice, we kissed," he said slowly, as if he was talking to a little kid and wanted him or her to get the words right.

  "It's okay, I— I forgive you," I said with my eyes fixed on the sheets that I'd been twisting in my hands since I finished my breakfast.

  He suddenly grabbed both of my hands in his, which made me look at him in shock. He didn't look as calm as he did when he first started talking, though he didn't look angry.

  "You listen to me, little sister," he said with a slight hiss. "The words 'I forgive you' are not what I'm looking for, okay? We kissed last night, that means I kissed you and you kissed me back. I didn't force you into anything, and I want you to say something else instead of 'I forgive you' – something like 'I want you' – now what do you say?"

  "Adrian, I didn't kiss you ba—"

  "That's fucking bullshit and you fucking know it!" he roared, pressing harder on my wrists. I didn't reply, again; I didn't know what to say.

  I heard him take in another deep breath. "Okay… Let's not talk about last night." His voice was a little calmer. He released my hands and smirked. "How about we talk about the fact that you've been having some dreams about me?"

  Oh, snap! How does he even know that? I did talk in my sleep, didn't I?!

  "Uh, I—"

  "Don't deny it!" he warned in a serious tone.

  "So what, Adrian?" I snapped. "I see you every single day and night, so it's pretty normal to have dreams about you."

  "Is that so, little sister?" he sneered. "All siblings in the world have wet dreams about each other then?"

  I felt the heat creeping all over my body as I flushed
what I was sure was a dark shade of red. "Adrian, I don—"

  "Just fucking stop with the fucking denial and let's have a fucking real conversation!" he spoke through clenched teeth.

  "Fine! I do have … those kind of dreams! So what?" I folded my arms in front of my chest.

  "So, you admit it?"

  "Yes!" I sighed in frustration.

  "You're such a hypocrite. You've been having wet dreams about me since God only knows when, and you're saying, 'So what?' after making me feel like shit because I touched you without 'your permission'." He made air quotes. "That goes the same way, little sister."

  "You're kidding me, right?" It was my turn to sneer. "You're seriously trying to compare dreams that nobody has control over to real actions? Are you even sane?"

  He frowned.

  "You've never had a dream where you did something stupid like walking naked in the street? Or hitting some old guy or stealing from some old woman? Any crazy dream about something you'd never do in reality? Any stupid thing you did in your dreams that you felt like hell because you enjoyed doing it when it's so wrong in reality?"

  "So you enjoyed it in your dreams?" he leered.

  "Adrian! I'm trying to have that real conversation you wanted!" I ignored his question. "How would you feel if people judged you based on your dreams? The bad ones? Would that be fair? You'd be stupid to compare what you did to me while I'm unconscious to the dreams I had while I'm unconscious, without any kind of control from me."

  He was silent for a moment, taking what I just said in, I guess, then he nodded carelessly. "Okay. I guess you're right," he sighed.

  I sighed too.

  "But …"

  Oh, no!

  "Don't you think that you had those dreams because your body wanted to give you some kind of a message?" The smirk was back on his lips again, and then he raised a hand and touched my cheek with the back of his knuckles softly. I absently closed my eyes and leaned a little into his touch. He reached down to my chin and pressed on it slightly with his thumb and the side of his pointer finger. I didn't know what he was doing until after he did it – he was trying to release my bottom lip from between my teeth. I didn't even know I was biting it.