On The Floor (Second Story)

by LaCross, Jennifer

  She would sit us down and have a conversation about how family is everything and no matter what we always need to put each other first. She would tell us that you never know when we may not have the opportunity to see each other every day. I’m pretty sure she would have been talking about me going to New York and Chad being on deployment. Not the type of permanence that comes along with death.

  Even though I am going through this thing (whatever it is) with Jake, I make a promise to myself that I won’t let it affect my time with my family. This is something that I need to do. That I want to do. I want to spend this day catching up with Monica, Chad, and Dad. I want to cook our favorite dinner together. I want to see the furniture Dad has been working on. I want to hear about Monica’s first boyfriend, Lucas Hatfield. I want to focus on the three people that I grew up with. The three people that knew and loved my mother as much as I did.

  That is my plan.

  What is that they say about the best laid plans?

  They never work out. That must be what the saying is because as hard as I try to put this thing with Jake on the back-burner, I can’t. With every passing minute that he doesn’t call, I go crazy. And crazier. And crazier. Until I am nearly about to break.

  Luckily, Jenna can tell what type of mood I am in and she leaves me alone for most of the ride up, only asking how I am doing. To which I reply with a shrug.

  We don’t hit any traffic and she drops me off at therapy twenty minutes early.

  ***

  Therapy went well. Mostly. Well, it went well for everyone else.

  Chad is great. Monica is greater. And I think Dad is as normal as he’ll ever be. I don’t think you ever fully recover after you lose the love of your life.

  It’s me that’s the problem.

  I can’t keep my knees from bouncing. I keep chewing on my fingernails. And I have to physically stop myself from checking my phone while we are in therapy. I do this by sitting on my hands whenever I get the urge to reach for my phone.

  Everyone notices how jittery I am. I’m pretty sure my Dad thinks I’m on something. And I know Dr. Green can tell there is something up with me. She tries to keep me after the family session, but her next client shows up early with an “emergency,” so she tells me to call her. I feel like I could hug that guy. If I had to talk about what is going on with Jake, I feel like I would lose it.

  Maybe I already have lost it.

  For goodness sakes, my Dad thinks I’m on drugs! I know for sure that he thinks I’m a tweeker after he asks me on the drive home: Are you a tweeker? Really, Dad? NO!!! I told him it was just a little school stress. Big project.

  But the way my mind is working, I feel like a tweeker. Well, what I think a tweeker feels like.

  We get back to our house at around four and I go to hang out with Monica before we have to make dinner. We’re sitting in her room and she’s showing me all the pictures of her and Lucas. If it were anyone else showing me hundreds of pictures of them kissing their boyfriend in different places, I would scream. But this is my sister and I am so happy for her. And by the time Monica finishes showing me the abundance of love filled selfies her and Lucas have taken together, my tweeker behavior has finally calmed.

  “Do you want to hear our song?” she says, a big smile on her face.

  “Sure,” I say smiling back. Young love. Sigh… So sweet.

  “Okay. So you know how I told you he asked me out after that dance at school?” she says as she starts searching through the music library on her phone.

  “Yeah…”

  “Okay. So he asked me to dance while we were both there, even though we both went with different people. But it’s not like we were boyfriend/girlfriend with our dates. They were just dates, you know?”

  “Uh huh,” I say my smile growing.

  “So he asked me to dance. And our song is the song that we danced to because he says that’s when he really decided he wanted me to be his girlfriend.”

  “That’s sweet, Mon.”

  “I know. He’s sooo sweet. Okay, here it is” And then she starts to play the song.

  I hear a guitar and it brings me back to that night at The Grove. The song hos and heys. And I lose it.

  Seriously? This is their song?

  Of course it is.

  The song stops abruptly and I open my eyes. Monica looks horrified. And scared.

  Oh. My. God.

  I just lost it in front of my fourteen year old sister.

  The best laid plans…

  I should have known that I couldn’t put Jake on the back-burner. How did I expect to be normal while I am having this weird sort of fight thing with the man I’m in love with? I need to talk to him.

  After consoling Monica and assuring her that I will be okay, I go and try to call Jake. No answer. Three times. And each time I was sent to voicemail after two rings.

  I’m sad. I’m pissed. I’m losing it.

  I need to talk to him and if he won’t talk to me on the phone, I need to go talk to him in person.

  I walk into the living room where Dad and Chad are watching something on ESPN. “Hey sweetheart,” Dad says as I walk in. “Is everything okay?” He can tell I’ve been crying. He probably heard me crying. I wasn’t quiet. When I say I lost it, I mean... I really lost it.

  “Um… yeah. Kind of. There’s this thing going on with my boyfriend. He won’t answer my calls, and I just… I need to talk to him.”

  He mutes the TV. “This is the boyfriend you were telling me about last week?”

  “Uh huh,” I say sniffling.

  “Sweetheart, I know you’re upset, but I don’t like that he’s not answering your calls. That’s not a good way to treat the person that you care about.”

  “Dad, I don’t need advice. This was my fault. I said something to his dad that I shouldn’t have. They have a very complicated relationship. I don’t want to lose him and I feel like if I can talk to Jake before this goes on for too long, I can fix it. And Dad, I feel like it’s almost been too long,” I start to say tearing up again.

  “You love him, huh?”

  A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye as I nod my head.

  “You want to drive back tonight?”

  I nod my head. “I want to stay, but I think I need to go back.”

  “Of course, sweetie. Do you want to call Jenna or do you want one of us to drive you?” he says, gesturing between himself and Chad.

  “I’d be happy to drive you,” Chad says, a small smile on his face. “That way I can beat this guy's ass for treating you like this.”

  “Chad!” I say.

  “Chad,” Dad scolds.

  “Sorry. Just want to protect my little sis.”

  “Thanks guys, but I’ll call Jen.” Even though we aren’t on the best terms right now, I don’t want my brother beating up my boyfriend.

  Jenna is happy to come and get me. She was kind of bummed that we had the overnighter at home planned during one of Second Story’s shows anyways. We leave within the hour, hoping to make it home before Jake leaves for the show.

  She tells me she thinks that going back to campus is a good idea. Apparently, Nate let slip that Jake wasn’t in the best mood last night. I don’t really know what that means. Was he mad? Sad? Glad?

  I’m rhyming. I must be going crazy.

  I never thought I’d be the girl losing it over a guy. But here I am.

  And since when does Jenna talk to Nate all the time?

  After I talk to Jake, I need to make time to talk to Jenna about Nate. They seem to be a lot closer than she has let on.

  Unfortunately, by the time I get back to the dorm Jake is already at The Grove. Jenna waited down by the car, already knowing that they were at The Grove setting up. The idea that Jake might still be here was wishful thinking on my part. I text Jenna, letting her know that he isn't here and to just go without me.

  Thirty seconds later, my phone rings. It's Jenna. "Hey, Jen," I answer.

  "I really think you should
go, Rachel. Who knows when he'll be back after the show. If he sees you there, he'll know just by looking at you what a wreck you are about this. Maybe then he'll realize what a dick he is being and finally talk to you," she rants.

  "I don't want him to feel sorry for me, Jenna. And thanks, by the way, for the compliment on my appearance," I add sarcastically.

  "It's true, Rachel. You've been a mess since yesterday when I came to your room. I think you should go, but it's your relationship. You're sure you don't want to go?" she asks giving me one last chance to change my mind before she leaves without me.

  "I'm sure."

  "Okay. If you change your mind you can always drive yourself. But either way, please make sure you talk to him tonight. Don't let him avoid you anymore. It's bullshit."

  "I will."

  "Love you, girl."

  "Love you too, Jen."

  ***

  Four hours later, I'm lying on my bed revising my apology to Jake for the hundredth time. His show ended about an hour ago and I have no idea when he'll be back. Will he go out with his friends? Will he hang out at The Grove? Will he ignore my voicemail and my text letting him know that I am home and I want to talk?

  That's when I hear the knock at my door.

  "Rachel?" I hear Jake say through the door.

  I bolt up out of bed and race to the door, opening it. Jake's eyes widen when he sees me and I'm confused at first until I remember how I must look. I immediately regret my decision to answer the door without looking in the mirror first because I'm sure I look a mess.

  I move to the side to let Jake in and give him a small smile, hoping that he notices that and not my appearance. He moves to the bed and sits down. I take a second to look in the mirror and almost die of embarrassment.

  My ponytail is loose and falling out. And not in a cute way. In a you're a mess way. What is left of my make-up is smeared all over my face. I mean... seriously. I have mascara on my chin. My eyes are swollen and red. And all I'm wearing is a big comfy T-shirt that has a big hole in the neckline.

  I figured he would call or text before he came over and I would have time to change. Why I put this thing on in the first place, I'm not even sure.

  Now he's here and he looking amazing in jeans and a vintage Bob Marley concert tee, his hair messy and perfect. And all I want to do is jump on him, like I normally would. But I can't. Because of my big stupid mouth. Because of what I spewed at his dad. Because things aren't normal between us. Things are awkward.

  I take a seat next to Jake on the bed and start with my most recently revised version of my apology.

  "I'm sorry, Jake. I hate that I said all that to your dad. It doesn't matter how I feel about him, he's your dad. You asked me there as support and I made a mistake. Don't let this end us, Jake," I finish, tears running down my cheeks.

  There is a beat of silence before he finally looks up at me. "You don't need to be sorry, Rachel. I'm the one that needs to apologize. I'm the one who's been ignoring you and I just didn't know how to deal with this."

  "No, Jake," I interrupt. "I understand you needed space. I messed up, Jake. I..."

  "Will you just let me finish, Rachel?" he interrupts quietly, sounding sad.

  "Um... sure..." I say, my voice wobbling. Is he going to break up with me?

  He turns to me and takes my hands in his. "I'm not mad about Greg. After you left, he started to scold me about how rude you were and how much negative attention you had just brought on him. How he was ashamed that everyone there knew all of our business thanks to you." I cringe at the memory of my outburst. "But me? I thought you were brilliant," he says squeezing my hand. I look up into his eyes and see a small smile on his face. "And I told him so. Before I left the restaurant, I told him that you said everything I had been thinking. For years. And that not to call me again unless he wanted to make me a part of his family. His actual family."

  I give him a small smile back. "Wow, Jake. No wonder you've were preoccupied. That's a lot to think about."

  The smile drops from his face. "But that's not the reason I've been avoiding you, Rachel," he says, looking down at our joined hands.

  "Okay," I respond closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. The way he says it makes me nervous and scared. That's because he sounds nervous and scared when he says it.

  "Look at me, Rachel," he says quietly, squeezing my hands again.

  I look up at him and then he starts talking. "I have a lot to tell you and I just want you to listen. Can you do that?" he asks.

  I nod.

  “Even if some of the stuff isn’t what you want to hear? Even if it hurts?”

  I sniffle, but still nod my head.

  "You know how I told you that I was living with Nat before I got the job here?" he asks.

  I nod again.

  "Okay. So that Saturday afternoon, I got the call from Judy telling me that I got the job. I told Natalie, but she insisted I should stay there with her. That she thought we could try working things out between us. Try a real relationship. I wasn't into that, so I went to Sound looking for someone to take home, back to Natalie's. Then I saw you."

  I smile, but then I notice the look on his face and my smile falls.

  "I was going to use you that night to upset Natalie, so she would stop bothering me. I was going to take you back to her place and fuck you in the living room so she would walk in on us and throw me out."

  "Jake..." I say, starting to get upset. I thought we had connected on a different level. And he just wanted to use me. He’s right. This hurts.

  "Just listen, Rachel. That's what I wanted for you before I talked to you."

  "So that thing you said to me, about how I looked beautiful, was a line?" I can hear the hurt in my voice. I thought he was different than all the other guys. I thought he was being real. Genuine.

  He looks down, ashamed. "Um, yeah," he says standing up and rubbing the back of his neck. "It was true, but it was meant to pick you up. And that was my intention until we started dancing. Then everything changed. The way we moved together. I felt this connection. And when we locked eyes, I swear my heart stopped. And when it started beating again, it was beating for you. That's why I couldn't take you home. That's why I couldn't use you like that. I felt too much for you. Just the fact that I felt something for you."

  I pause. "So did you end up taking someone else home that night?" I mean, that was his plan. Maybe he found someone else to dissuade Natalie from pursuing a relationship?

  "No. And I haven't brought anyone else home since that night at Sound. With the exception of bringing Natalie back to my room the night you and I got together after the show at The Grove. You affected me so much, I didn't want anyone else. I tried to stay away from you. I've never had a relationship for a reason. I wanted you, but I wasn't sure I was cut out to care for someone in that way. I've always felt like since my parents didn't care about me, that I wasn't the type of person that could care for someone else. But now I know that I am and that's why I feel terrible about the way that I've been avoiding you."

  "It's not okay, but it's okay at the same time. I understand why, but I just wish you would have told me you needed some space to deal with your feelings about Greg and your mom. If something happens like this again, just tell me. We should be open with each other about stuff like that, Jake."

  He leans against my desk, half sitting and half standing, facing me. But his hand is back to rubbing his neck and he won't make eye contact with me.

  "Jake?" I ask quietly.

  "I told you it wasn't about Greg, Rachel. At least it's not directly about my parents. That's not why I was avoiding you."

  "What? Jake, I don't understand. Then what happened?" If the thing with his dad isn't what caused the freeze out, then what was? I have no idea what it could be. At least when I thought I knew the reason was for his behavior, I felt like I had some control of the situation. Now, it could be anything.

  Jake clears his throat. "We should be able to be open with each other.
You're right. That goes both ways. If you have something you need to tell me, you can tell me, Rachel."

  My brows pull together in confusion. "What are you talking about, Jake?"

  He looks up at me, and our eyes lock. "I saw the test, Rachel."

  That provides no clarification. I think I may be more confused after his response. "Test?" What is he talking about?

  "In your drawer. The, uh..." he pauses, clearing his throat. "The pregnancy test."

  "What do you mean?" Pregnancy test...

  "When I was looking for your calculator in the desk I saw the box. You could have talked to me about it," he says, opening the drawer and pulling out the pregnancy test box. And that's when it hits me.

  "Oh my god! Jake! That's not..." I start but he interrupts me.

  "Rachel," he says halting my explanation. "Can I say this stuff before you say anything? I just want you to know how I feel."

  "But Jake! It's..."

  "I love you," he interrupts, coming up to me and kneeling in front of me as I sit on the bed. "I love you, Rachel. I don't know if you've taken the test or not. I don't know what the results are. But I wanted you to know, before you tell me anything about it, that I'm here. I freaked out a little. I just had that thing with my dad. And the thought of maybe being one, fucked with my head. I wish I would have just talked to you. But then tonight while I was playing some of my new music at the show, it hit me. I finally realized that I love you."

  "Jake..." He needs to know that the pregnancy test isn't mine, but he keeps talking not letting me explain.

  "Remember when you told me you wanted to have a love story like your parents. Well, you do. We do. What we've both been through. How we met. How we got together. How we feel about each other. We have our own beautiful love story and it's being written every day.

  "I'm sorry that I couldn't see that and that I let you worry about what was going on with us. That I haven't been telling you that I love you since that moment on the dance floor when I looked into your eyes and felt that connection. Saw the future I could have with you. I'm sorry that I let us go through all that bullshit just to get here, where, deep down, I always knew we would end up."