Then her health started to decrease rapidly. She looked sick and she acted sick. Those last few weeks were the hardest because sometimes it didn't even seem like she knew we were there, or what was going on around her.
I saw my dad's heart breaking, his mind shutting down. I saw my sister closing in on herself. And I felt Chad's distance every time Mom would mention if anybody had checked on baby Chad. I'm not sure what she was seeing, but it certainly wasn't the people that were there.
She died on a Tuesday afternoon surrounded by her family, even though she had no idea that we were there.
Things went downhill fast from there. Dad was lost in his grief. Monica was lost in herself. And Chad was in San Diego on base getting ready to deploy, so he wasn't there at all. I felt like I was the only one holding us all together.
I stayed strong. I was the rock. I took care of my family.
And when it was all too much, I’d close my eyes, and by the count of three I’d be at the beach. Then the numbness would set back in and I could be strong again. For my family.
A lot has changed in the past few years, but I still feel as though everything is fragile. Like at any point it could take a turn for the worst. One wrong thing said, and Dad could go back into his depression leaving Monica alone. Even though everything seems fine, I have seen how bad it can be and I don't want our family to go back there.
I try not to rock the boat or cause any issues in my family. If there is ever anything I can do to prevent our family from returning to the way it was, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter to me if it isn't the best thing for me. I always put my family first and so far, there haven't been any repercussions worth regretting.
So far...
***
The anniversary of Mom's death is on a Friday this year. And today is the Thursday before the Friday. I'm heading home to be with my family. On Friday we will be going to Mom's grave and then to a therapy session. I'm leaving this afternoon so I can be there in time for dinner tonight. Our family will cook Mom's favorite dinner, vegetable lasagna, together and then eat and reminisce.
This is something we used to do on everyone's birthdays when Mom was alive. We would make the "birthday person of honor's" favorite meal, and Mom would tell our birth story. Then while we ate, we would talk about all of our favorite memories of that person. After Mom died, we stopped with the birthday tradition and we only do it for Mom on the anniversary of her death.
I hate that we stopped doing this on our birthdays. I wish we still would. And even more than that, I wish we would keep doing it on Mom's birthday. Our birthdays were always her favorite days of the year. She said that every time she celebrated one, she was thankful for the day that we came into her life. Dad’s birthday was always the day he was born as her match. She said they were born to be together. He was born two days after Mom. And they met at that coffee shop two days after Dad's 22nd birthday that year. I have no idea what that means, but it seemed to mean something to Mom. She always said her lucky number was two.
I hate that we do her favorite thing on the day she died. I wish we still did it on her birthday. I've told the therapist about it privately. She encouraged me to talk to my family about it, but I didn't want to rock the boat. I don't want to disrupt one of the things that seems to bring our family together, since after Mom died everything feels so broken. Even if this isn't exactly right, at least it is something.
Jake and I are supposed to go to a late lunch this afternoon before I leave, but he is running twenty minutes late. Thinking that maybe I was supposed to meet him in his room, I leave to go find him, locking my door behind me. I walk across the hall to his room and knock on his door before testing to see if it is locked.
It's not, so I turn the knob and call out. "Jake? I'm coming in!"
I get no response, so I open the door all the way. Jake is sitting on his bed hunched over and supporting the weight of his upper body with one elbow on his knee. One hand is holding his phone to his ear, while the other in his hair, gripping at the roots.
He's nodding his head like whoever is on the other end can see him. I hear him sniff and say, "I know... I'll be there soon. She just walked in... Yeah. Love you too, Gramps." Jake hangs up the phone and stays where he is. Frozen in the same position.
"Jake? Is everything ok?" I say, moving to stand in front of him.
He slowly lifts his head looking up at me. His eyes are red and his face is covered in tears. He wipes his face, clearing the tears from his cheeks and slowly shakes his head back and forth. "It's Grams. She..." he says taking a shaky breath and covering his face with his hands. "She had a stroke."
I inhale sharply. "Jake. I'm so sorry. Is she okay?" Grams is like his mother. And I don't even need to ask how he is, because I can clearly see that he is a wreck.
He takes a deep, steadying breath before he continues. "She’s, uh, they're not sure yet. She was talking to Gramps, but it was all nonsense. They're in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. She's conscious, but..." he says, as the tears start to fall again.
"I know Jake," I say, sitting next to him and pulling his head to rest on my shoulder. I kiss his hair and rub his back, soothing him through his sobs. I know what it is like to lose my mom and I don't want him to have to go through this today, especially since I have to go home.
"They are headed to County General and I want to meet them there. Can you leave with me now?" he says lifting his head to look at me.
"Sure," I say. "We'll just take separate cars so I can leave for my dad's from the hospital."
"What? What do you mean leave?" he asks looking sad and confused. "You can't go to your dad's Rachel. My grams is on her way to the hospital."
"Jake… I've been talking about this for weeks. You knew I was leaving today. This is really important to my family. I need to be there for them. We have the dinner and then…"
"I need you!" he yells out of nowhere, startling me as he abruptly stands up. "You've been telling me how you don't even like doing the dinner around the anniversary of her death. You'd rather do it on her birthday! Just do it then! I need you right now..." he says, tears leaking from his eyes.
I did tell him about the tradition and how I wish we could change it, but today is not the day to change it. I am hours away from leaving to be with my family on the anniversary of my mother's death. "I can't change plans on my family right now, Jake. They would need more notice. This is a very sensitive thing with my family. I don't want my dad to backslide. I need to be there for them," I say, my eyes starting to water. I hate that he is making me feel bad for wanting to be there for my family. I want to be there for him, but I can't be in two places at once.
"Like I could give more notice for a fucking stroke, Rachel! Be fucking real! Don't make any plans next month because Gramps is going to have a heart attack! Hope you don't have plans to go braid your sister's hair!"
"Jake! Stop being cruel. You know that is not what I meant when I said I need more notice."
"Go up tomorrow then, after we know what is going on with Grams. She loves you too, Rachel. You can go to the gravesite with your family. Just be here with me today. I need you... I've never needed anyone like I need you now," he finishes, his voice cracking.
"Don't make me choose between my family and you, Jake. I want to be both places, but I can't... I just... I don't know what to do." I love my family and I love Jake. It feels like they both need me equally right now. But maybe he's right. I can go up tomorrow...
But before I can make a decision, Jake makes it for me.
"You know what, Rachel? Never mind! Go fucking home and be with your fucking family and make fucking dinner and tell fucking stories," he says walking to the door and grabbing his keys on the way. When he gets to right in front of the door, he stops and turns around. "I changed my fucking mind. I don't need you here. I don't want you here. This is a mistake,” he says quietly, almost calmly.
“Jake…”
“You've just been one big fuckin
g mistake…” he says with a hard, blank look on his face. He turns back around and opens his door, leaving his room and slamming the door behind him.
Slamming the door on me.
I sit in complete shocked silence for a whole ten minutes. What just happened? And then I start crying. This day has turned into utter shit. It's the anniversary of my mom's death. I already have enough going on emotionally for the whole month. And then Grams has a stroke. The sweet, kind, loving woman who welcomed me into her home and her heart. And wormed her way into mine as well.
And then this with Jake. What even happened? Did he break up with me?
The tears become sobs and I curl up on Jake's bed while I ride out this wave of total misery.
I lie there for around an hour, before I get up and make my way down the hall to the bathroom. I have to leave soon if I want to make it home in time for dinner. I go to the sink and wash my face before going to my room. I grab my phone and try calling Jake. He should be at the hospital by now and I want to see how he, Grams, and Gramps are. But the call goes straight to voicemail. He probably had to turn off his phone when he got into the hospital, so I decide to leave a message hoping that he'll check it and call me back.
"Um... hey, Jake. It's Rachel. I just... I hope everything is going okay with Grams. I'm leaving to drive home in a few, so I won't be in the dorms." I take an audible breath before I continue. "Just please call me so I know everything is okay. I wish I could be there for you and I hate the way we left things. Just... I love you," I finish, hanging up before I start crying on the message.
I call Jenna right after I hang up with Jake and her phone goes to voicemail after it rings through. I don't bother leaving her a message where I am crying and she can't understand anything I say. It would probably freak her out. Instead, I send her a text letting her know that I am leaving to drive home and I'll call her when I get to my dad's safely.
I put my phone in my purse, take a deep breath, dry my eyes, and grab all my bags before I leave my room headed towards my car. I try Jake once more before I leave the parking lot. Straight to voicemail again. I leave him a simple message. One that conveys more than I could say with a long one. One that means more to me than anything else I could ever say.
"I love you, Jake."
I sit in the car for a few minutes thinking about everything we said to each other back in his room. I've been putting my family before myself since before my mom died. I haven't told them how I feel about certain things, afraid that I would rock the boat too much. I haven't taken time to express how I am feeling at family therapy sessions because I don't want anyone to worry about me.
Jake's right. Why haven't I told my family that I feel like Mom would want the dinner to be on her birthday? Why can't I go up tomorrow, after we know everything is okay with Grams? I know it is kind of short notice to change plans like this on my family, but it's not like I'm going to a concert or on a date.
Grams is in the hospital. And I barely took a second to see things from Jake's perspective.
I pick up my phone and dial my dad's number. He picks up on the third ring.
"Hey, Rachel. Are you leaving now?" Dad asks.
"Actually, Dad, I wanted to talk to you about something really important before I head up there.”
"Sure, Rach. You don't want to wait and do it tonight when you get here? In person?"
"Well, that's kind of what this is about." I pause, thinking about how I want to word this, but instead I just blurt it out. "I think we should be doing the dinner on Mom's birthday. Not the anniversary of her death."
Real smooth, Rachel.
Dad takes an audible breath before he says, "Okay. Why can't we talk about this when you get here?"
"Well, Jake's grandma got taken to the hospital. She had a stroke and he wanted me to go with him. I told him I couldn't because I had to go to this dinner with you guys. We had this big fight and now he thinks I don't care about him or his family," I say as tears start to fall from my eyes. "I mean, I want to go up there, but if things are serious with Grams I want to be here for Jake. Dad, I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I feel like I'm hurting someone either way."
"Rachel," he says, trying the calm me down. I'm near hyperventilating because this situation has stressed me out so much. "I think doing the dinner on Mom's birthday is a great idea. I don't know why you haven't said anything about it before, but that doesn't matter right now. Even though I want to be with you this weekend, Jake needs you. We have been grieving for years, Jake's pain is new and fresh. And, god forbid, if this situation with his grandma takes a turn for the worst, you should be there for him. With him."
Wow. My dad is right. "I love you, Dad."
"I love you too. Let me know how his grandma is when you can."
"I will."
I hang up with my dad and instead of heading home, I head straight to County General Hospital.
Chapter 23
I walk into the main entrance of the hospital not sure where I should be going. I know that they came in through the ER, but it's been a couple of hours and I'm not sure if they're still there. I called Jake before walking in, but his phone is still turned off.
I head to the information desk where I am met with a young girl in a candy striper uniform. "Hi! How can I help you today?" she asks enthusiastically.
"Um, I'm looking for someone that was brought here in an ambulance. Would you be able to tell me where she is?" I ask.
"Well, I can't give out any patient information, but if you head over to the nurse's station down the hall, even if she's not in that unit, they can help you. Unless the person you are looking for said that they don't want anyone to know where they are. Then they can't help you because if the person you are looking for said that she didn't want anyone to know which room she was in, or what unit, then they can't release that information. You know?" the girl says in practically one breath. Where does she get this energy?
"Um, sure. Down that hall?" I say pointing in the direction I think she told me to go.
"Yep. That's the one. Have a great day!" she says, once again very enthusiastically.
I head in that direction and quickly come across the nurse's station she was referencing.
One of the nurses looks up as she is picking up some files. "Can I help you?" she asks. She's not unfriendly, but I can definitely tell she is busy.
"I'm looking for someone. The girl at the information desk told me to come here."
She moves quickly to the computer, setting the files down before asking, "Name?"
"Patricia Price. She came in through the ER, but I don't know where she is now."
She starts tapping on the keyboard. "Third floor, room 328, bed B. Have a good day," she says barely glancing at me before grabbing her paperwork and heading away from the nurse's station.
I head back down the hall to the entrance and find the bank of elevators. I press the up button and wait. The elevator comes quickly and when it opens I step in and look to press three, but it is already lit up.
"Rachel?" I hear someone say from behind me.
I turn around and see Jake's grandpa in the back of the elevator with a cup of coffee and bag of food in his hand.
"Gramps?" The elevator dings and most of the other people exit, leaving just Gramps, me, and another woman. The doors close and we look at each other, the woman between us, as we come up to the third floor. We all exit when the doors open and the woman heads down a hallway at a hurried pace.
Gramps gestures to a bench near the elevator and we both take a seat.
"I didn't know you were coming. Jake said something about you going up to see your family...?" he says, as a sort of question.
"I was, but I called and let them know I wouldn't be able to make it tonight. I wanted to come and check on you guys. Make sure everything was okay. How's Grams?" I ask, my voice full of concern.
"Better than we thought. She had a stroke, but it was mild. She'll be in overnight, at least, to be m
onitored. But it could have been much worse. The doctors think she should be fine," he says. I can hear the relief in his voice. See it on his face. Feel it in the air.
"That's so good to hear. Is Jake in there with her?"
"I sent him home about a half hour ago. Visiting hours are over and she can only have one family member in there at a time. He was so tense he seemed like he was going to throw something, so I told him to go home. Hang out with his friends. Grams is fine and he can't do anything sitting here rubbing holes into the arm rests. Plus, he was making Grams worry with the way he was acting."
"Okay." I'm not sure what else to say to that. I tried called him less than ten minutes ago and his phone was still off. I assumed he was still at the hospital. "Can I come back tomorrow and see Grams during visiting hours?"
"You can see her now. She would love to see you," he says, a smile on his face.
"But only one family member is allowed at a time."
"She can see her granddaughter first," he says winking at me. "I'll wait out here until you are done."
I smile at him. "Thanks, Gramps."
I head down the hall, following the signs leading me to room 328. I knock and hear someone call "Come in," from the other side of the door.
I enter the room and see that, thankfully, Grams doesn't have a roommate. When she sees me, her face lights up with a brilliant smile. "Rachel! I'm so happy you came to see me," she says, as if she's welcoming me to a party instead of her hospital room.
I smile back and am a little surprised when my eyes get a little teary. Even though I know she is going to be okay, it's still hard to see such a strong woman in such a fragile state. "Grams," I say going over to her and moving into her outstretched arms to give her a hug.
"Not that I'm not glad to see you, but I thought you were going to your family's house today?" she questions, just as Gramps had. Even though I haven't known Grams for long, I instantly connected with this woman. And she is all the more special to me because of how special she is to Jake.
On The Floor (Second Story) Page 24