Paper Wishes

by Jennifer M. Eaton

  Jack took my dirty plate, and my inner housewife rebelled. I reached for my empty milk glass. “Let me help you.”

  “Nope. I got it.” Jack snatched the cup out of my hand. “Sit. This is your night, remember?”

  I eased back down into my chair, tucking my ankle beneath me. “I don’t know how to have a ‘my night.’”

  He kissed my forehead. “Just sit and relax. You can’t do everything for everyone all the time, Slugger.” Jack placed the dishes in the sink and pulled up his white sleeves.

  Maybe not, but I can sure try… and I feel so ridiculous just sitting here. Then again…

  Leaning against the back of my chair, my gaze trailed his hairline to his ear where a little curl flipped beside his cheek. Adorable. Following down his torso to his rear, I enjoyed the slight shake caused by his scrubbing of the pie from my plate. How did I never notice that cute butt until now?

  Jack dried his hands on the towel. “Okay, there’s more.” He took my hand, helping me to stand.

  “More? Really? Careful or you’re going to spoil me.”

  He sat me down on the couch and grabbed something from atop the television. “Yeah, well, lucky for me you’re a cheap date.”

  He held up a DVD case with a picture of Annette Bening and Michael Douglas dancing on the front.

  I snatched it from him and pressed it to my chest. “The American President! That’s my favorite movie.”

  Jack bowed with a flourish. “I know.”

  Don’t cry, Jill. Don’t you dare cry!

  He slipped the box from my grasp and popped the disc into the player. “Do you need anything?”

  What else could I possibly want? “Nope. I’m good.”

  He sat beside me, and I snuggled into the crook of his arm as I had so many times before. Tonight, though, it felt strangely right. I allowed the comfort of his warmth to permeate his shirt and sink into me.

  Nothing could ruin the perfection of this moment.

  ****

  “And I am the President!” Michael Douglas shouted, slamming his fist on the podium. I dabbed a tear from my eye as Annette Bening ran into the Oval Office.

  “Yay!” I clapped my hands as the credits started to roll.

  “It doesn’t matter how many times you see this movie, does it?”

  “Nope. It never gets old.”

  “Well, I keep waiting for Michael Douglas to punch Richard Dreyfuss in the face.”

  “Now, now. The President can’t just go around punching people, you know.”

  “Oh, well, he could at least have the secret service do it for him, then.”

  “Yeah, that would be a great use of the taxpayers’ money.”

  Jack smiled. “You are so hot when you’re talking politics.”

  “Is that what we’re doing?”

  “Not anymore, I just changed the subject.” He ran his finger under my chin.

  The sudden switch from frivolity to intimacy startled me, and I perused my fingernails to hide my discomfort. “Ummm…”

  He turned my cheek back toward him. “Kiss me,” he whispered.

  His mouth closed over mine. The sweetness of his lips entranced me, sending a flood of heat through my body as I slipped more deeply into his embrace.

  Jack’s arms slid slowly down my back, fingers circling, learning the curves of my spine. I skimmed my hands down his strong shoulders, luxuriating in the comfort of his touch.

  Don’t do this, Jill.

  I shook away my thoughts and drank in his kiss. So long, too long since I’d been held. Too long since I’d been loved.

  Jill, stop.

  Jack pulled my blouse from my skirt and slipped his hand beneath, trailing his fingertips across my skin. The warmth of his touch drove me mad, but the voice in my mind screamed, demanding to be heard.

  I released the kiss. “Jack, stop.”

  Concern touched his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “Ummm, I…”

  He caressed my cheek. “It’s okay. I have a condom.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. What a gentleman.

  His eyes searched me as his hands ran down my shoulders. His concern melted away, and he leaned in for another kiss.

  I accepted, relishing the sensation of his warmth passing between my lips. I trailed my tongue around his, applying suction, demanding, and claiming his mouth as mine. Jack’s sigh sang through me, and I answered with my own, before the voices in my head demanded attention.

  I pushed him away. “Jack, I can’t do this.”

  His wide eyes startled me more than the severe tone of my own voice.

  “Are you serious? What’s the matter?”

  Tell him. “I…”

  He reached back toward me. “It’s okay. It’s me.” His words burned against my cheek and the side of my neck. “I need you, Jillsy,” he whispered.

  The gentle glide of his lips across my collarbone sent my head reeling back with a sigh. He held me firmly, placing delicate kisses at minute intervals down my chest as he undid my blouse. My body trembled, yearning after three years away from a man’s touch.

  “Jack, I…”

  “I know,” he whispered.

  No, you don’t!

  His breath tickled the tender skin exposed by the release of each button, and I trailed my fingers through his hair. I inched him ever so much closer to the softer, concealed flesh. He complied with abandon, trailing his warmth just under the satin edging of my chemise.

  The heat erupting within sent me into a shudder, and I tightened my grip on his hair. I need this.

  You have to stop.

  I don’t want to.

  You need to.

  I clenched my teeth, fighting with myself and no longer able to feel the small steps to the wonder Jack promised. I had to end this. I pushed aside my desire, shifting away from him.

  “Jack, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

  “You can’t what?”

  “I can’t do this.” I pulled my blouse together, fumbling with the buttons.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Tell him.

  I gulped. He won’t understand.

  Tell him.

  My lips trembled. “Bill is the only man I’ve ever been with.” Okay, that didn’t sound so bad.

  Jack tilted his head, staring. “Okay — I’m all right with that.”

  “No, you don’t understand. He was my husband.”

  Jack brushed the side of my cheek lightly. Concern furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I remember the cheating pile of horse crap. Not really wanting to discuss him right now, though.” He paused, running gentle fingertips down my cheek. “Slugger, it’s okay. He’s behind us now.”

  “I know, but…”

  He placed his finger on my lips. “No more Bill.”

  His mouth closed over mine once more. A tremor ran through my body. Flooding electricity engulfed every part of my being and screamed for more. Jack’s fingers slipped back beneath my shirt, caressing me with adept, warm fingers as he gently drew my tongue back into his mouth. I allowed a moan to slip free, and Jack’s kiss grew harder, obviously enlivened by my positive response.

  My skin tingled as he massaged my back, gently worshipping with every loving stroke. Never had I been touched with such love. Never had I been held with such maddening tenderness. I threw myself toward him, biting at his cheek and digging my nails into his shoulders.

  Jack giggled playfully and pulled me onto his lap in a single fluid movement. His excitement startled me, and I drew back on our kiss with a gasp.

  His gaze held mine, his eyes full of need and promises of pleasures I’d been denied for far too long.

  Stop!

  No, I need him.

  “Oh, Jillsy, I want you.” His deep, intimate voice swept over me like dark satin. He sucked my earlobe between his lips.

  Stop.

  Reason took hold, slapping me with the intensity of a freak storm. I pushed him away. “No!” I cried.

  Jack’s face
twisted into several different forms of confusion. “Wha… What’d I do?”

  Just tell him.

  I took a deep breath. “Jack, I don’t believe in sex before marriage.”

  The ticking of the wall clock permeated the room as his jaw fell open. “You’re kidding.”

  His expression tugged at my heart. I wished I could pull my words back, but they were already spoken. “No, I’m not kidding.” I shifted off his lap, embarrassed I’d let such a huge indiscretion go so far.

  Jack made no move to stop me. He ran his fingers through his hair and laughed. “Come on, it’s not like it’s the fifties anymore. No one waits until they’re married.”

  “I did.”

  He sighed. “It’s not like you’re a virgin or anything. You have a kid for Pete’s sake. The whole white dress thing is over. You’re a woman now. Not some stupid kid.”

  “Stupid kid?”

  He rubbed his face. “You know what I mean.”

  “I’m sorry, Jack.”

  His eyes opened wide, as if he’d finally comprehended that this wasn’t negotiable. “Wait a minute, you were enjoying it. I know you were.”

  I nodded. “Yes, I was. I want to be with you, Jack.”

  “Well, I’m right here.”

  I lowered my gaze. “I’m serious about this. If I’m going to start dating, I’m-I’m…” I shook my head. “Jack, I’m looking for forever this time. Not just some… oh, I don’t know. I need to worry about Nicole and what she needs.”

  His eyes widened. His lips formed words three times before he spoke. “Well how about looking for a man for yourself instead? You’re always thinking about everything else but what you want. A minute ago, for the first time, you were thinking about you.”

  “I know, and it was wrong.”

  “It wasn’t wrong! It was right. Incredibly right.”

  “It did feel good. I admit it, but I’m just not ready.”

  He muttered something under his breath. I didn’t get angry. I deserved it.

  Jack rubbed his fists down his pant legs before raising his gaze. “Well, when are you going to be ready?”

  Lie to him.

  No.

  The redness in his face cut a hole into my heart, severing the arteries and forcing a huge mass up into my throat. I closed my eyes to combat the tears.

  “I’m thirty-two years old. Are you telling me I can’t make love to my girlfriend?”

  “I’m asking you to wait for me.”

  “How long?”

  I bit my lower lip. “I told you. I don’t believe in sex before…”

  Jack stood. “This is flipping ridiculous.” His ears reddened to match his face. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I think you need to decide what you really want from our relationship.” No! Please tell me I didn’t say that!

  He looked to the side, pursed his lips, and walked into the kitchen.

  “Jack?”

  He continued down the hall, grabbed his coat, and slammed the door behind him.

  Chapter Four

  One Night until New Year’s Eve

  Nicky dropped a purple stone into an empty divot in the Mancala board and reached over to grab my pile of ten stones.

  “Now wait a minute. What are you doing?”

  “That’s the way the game’s played, Mom. If the cubby opposite is empty, and I drop the last stone in, I get all your pieces.”

  “Well, that’s not fair.” I smiled, knowing she was right. I’d been playing Mancala since I was her age. The distraction mulling through my brain had become overwhelming though. Playing games was the least of my worries at the moment.

  “Are you ever going to tell me what happened with Uncle Jack?”

  I picked up a pile of four stones and began counting them out. “It’s grown up stuff, sweetie. You wouldn’t understand.”

  She made a fist with her hands and leaned on it. “Try me.”

  “You’re twelve. I’m not discussing this with you.”

  “Then who are you going to discuss this with? Uncle Jack’s your best friend. You tell him everything. Now that he’s gone, I’m all you got left.”

  “I’m all you have left,” I corrected.

  “No changing the subject.” She grabbed two stones and dropped them in their respective slots. “I really like Uncle Jack. I want to help.”

  I rubbed my forehead. “Sometimes grown-ups have to make decisions that are hard to live with.”

  “Don’t you guys still like each other?”

  “Yes we do. Very much.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  Me. I’m the problem. Me and my stupid, archaic… I steadied myself with a relieving breath. “It’s complicated, honey.”

  She stared at me. Her eyes widened. “He tried to have sex with you, didn’t he?”

  My hand dropped to the table. My jaw fell wide. “What did you just say?”

  “Is that it? Did you say no? Why?”

  I placed my hands over my ears. “I am not having this conversation with my twelve year old daughter. And where did you learn this? You know… never mind. We are not having this conversation. Period.”

  “Sounds like I guessed right. Why didn’t you do it, Mom? Don’t you like him?”

  “I like him, sweetie.” I rubbed my face. “I’m just not ready to talk about this stuff with you.”

  “Mom, I’m in seventh grade. I already know about this stuff. Kids at school are…”

  I stood. “No, they are not!”

  “Kissing, Mom. I was gonna say kissing… and not me, anyway. I don’t even have a boyfriend.”

  I tried to settle my elevated heart rate and returned to my chair.

  “I just don’t get what the big deal is.” Her eyes betrayed her concern. “As long as you both care about each other.”

  “That’s it! I’m pulling you from public school and sending you to Saint Rose.”

  Nicky rolled her eyes. “Mom, seriously. Think about this. It’s not like it’s your first time. Would it really be all that bad?”

  No. It wouldn’t be. I cringed, despite myself. “Sweetheart, you need to understand that sometimes you need to follow what you believe is right — not just what you want to do. I believe that you should only — ummm, do that with the man you marry.”

  She frowned. “Really?”

  I nodded. “Really.”

  “Even if it means losing Uncle Jack?”

  I dropped my head to my hands. “I don’t know, baby. I really don’t know.”

  Chapter Five

  New Year’s Eve

  Another commercial for a “New Year’s Day biggest sale of the century” screamed from the television screen. Wasn’t there a law about how many stores could say the same thing? The picture grew blurry before my eyes. I tightened my grip on the pillow in my lap. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

  “Do you want some champagne, Mom?”

  I loosened my hold on the cushion and checked the clock. Eleven twenty-two p.m. “Yeah, I guess it’s as good a time as any.” I tossed the pillow beside me on the couch and joined her in the kitchen.

  She handed me the glasses. “We can play another game of Mancala if you want… to pass the time.”

  I stifled a laugh, doing my best not to feel pitiful. “Look at you, being all supportive of your down and out mother.”

  “You’re not down and out, Mom.”

  “Okay, maybe just down.” I peeled the plastic wrap off the top of the bottle and twisted the cap until it popped. Reaching for a glass, I noticed Nicky writing on a piece of lined paper. “What’s that?”

  “Oh, nothing.” Grinning, she began folding the paper as I poured.

  “We’re going to have a great night. I don’t need a date to have fun when my best friend is already right here.” I toasted her and emptied the glass in one gulp.

  Nicky’s lip twisted. “Yeah, right, but thanks anyway.” She finished folding and held up a perfectly balanced origami star. />
  I handed her a glass. “You and your origami. Don’t you ever stop?”

  She took a sip of her drink. “Not when I have a good reason.” Walking around the half-wall, she tucked the star into the Christmas tree.

  “Hanging a special wish on the tree only works on Christmas day.”

  She folded her arms and smiled. “Who says?”

  Ding dong. The chimes from the doorbell rang through the house.

  Nicole’s eyes opened wide. “Holy crap that was fast!” She sprang toward the door.

  “Wait! See who it is first. Oh, and watch your mouth!”

  She pulled the door open and stepped through.

  “Nicole, who…”

  “Happy New Year, Nicky Bomb.”

  Jack?

  I ran for the door. Nicky and Jack stood on the front porch, hugging.

  Releasing her, Jack’s gaze found mine, and a smile half-formed before melting away. “Can I come in?”

  “Of course you can!” Nicole practically bounced with excitement.

  “I think that’s up to your mom, kiddo.”

  His lost expression sliced a hole in my soul, before a frigid breeze blew from the open door and slapped my cheek. “Yeah, I guess. Close the door. You’re letting all the heat out.”

  Nicky held Jack’s arm as they stepped inside. “You’re the one holding the door, Mom.”

  “Oh, yeah, well, whatever.” I pushed the door until it clicked shut.

  The three of us stood in the foyer, staring at each other. I’d never felt uncomfortable with Jack. Ever. What had I done?

  Ruined the best thing that ever happened to you. That’s what you’ve done.

  Nicky clapped her hands together. “Well, this has been real, but I’m gonna go check out New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.” She winked at me and headed back through the kitchen.

  I slipped my hands in my pockets and studied the floor.

  Make this good, Jill.

  “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

  Ugh. That sounded stupid.

  “Yeah, well, I made you a promise, didn’t I?”

  “A promise?”

  “To never spend New Year’s alone again.”

  I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. My reflection sparkled back at me from Jack’s wingtips. How did he keep those shoes so polished?