Happy Pants Cafe

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “Enough!” Luci yelled. “You two are hopeless. I cannot believe my ears! Miss Happy Pants is sick, and you two are determined to bicker like jealous twelve-year-olds.”

  “What happened to Miss Happy Pants?” Harper asked.

  “Someone forgot to lock her pen, and she ate chicken feed, which is deadly to horses if they eat enough of it.”

  Oh no!

  “I left the feed out,” Austin admitted, “but again, her stall was shut tight when I left. Someone must’ve opened it.” Austin looked like he wanted to punch something.

  Ms. Luci growled. “It’s of little consequence to me, child. That horse is going to be dead by the end of the day if we don’t flush out its system.”

  “Okay. What do we do?” Harper had a horrible image of horsey parts flying everywhere.

  “Get out of my sight! That’s what you should do.”

  Ouch.

  Luci looked at Sebastian. “You go to the veterinarian in Calistoga and buy the linseed oil.”

  “No,” Harper said. “We’ll go, Luci. Please, just let us help.” Holy crap. If this lady’s horse died, she would feel awful. Not that it was her fault, but she could tell the old woman loved her horse.

  “Yes, let them go,” Sebastian agreed. “I will stay here with Miss Happy Pants and sing to her.”

  Luci nodded. “Fine. But no Enrique Iglesias. You know that that upsets her.”

  “I will stick to Shakira.”

  Just then, Juan came out of the house, wearing nothing but a pair of black jogging shorts. His hair was mussed like he’d just rolled out of bed. “Good morning, everyone.”

  “Nice of you to get your butt out of bed,” Ms. Luci seethed.

  “What’s going on?” Juan asked.

  Luci repeated the list of issues.

  Juan scratched his stubbly chin. “Well, I checked everything before I went to bed, and it was all locked up tight.”

  “Are you trying to tell me that those latches simply unlocked themselves?” Luci scowled.

  “Nope.” Juan smiled at Harper, seeming unconcerned about the drama. “Buenos días, Harper. Are you ready for a long day?” He winked.

  “Juan,” said Luci, “keep it in your pants, and start rounding up the damned chickens.”

  “I’m leaving for the vet,” Austin said curtly, starting towards his car.

  “You and Harper should both go,” Sebastian said. “Otherwise, Juan will be too distracted by his own cock to focus on the ones that need catching.”

  So, so inappropriate. I’m going to pretend he didn’t just say that.

  “I am really sorry about all this, Luci,” Harper offered. “But I promise we’d never do something so careless.”

  Ms. Luci gave her a look.

  “On purpose, anyway,” Harper added. “I’m sure there’s an explanation.” Just then, three little snickering faces peeked out of the barn.

  Oh, you little brats! You’re not going to get away with this.

  “Fine. Good. Just hurry back.” Ms. Luci walked back toward the garden.

  “Here’s the address of the vet.” Sebastian dug a card from his snakeskin wallet and handed Harper a card. “And tell Beatrice my rash is all better now. So if she’s free tomorrow, Señor Jalapeño and I are ready for action.”

  So, so, so inappropriate.

  Harper took the card from his hand and tried to hide her repulsion. “Mmmm…I will let. Her. Know.” Just as soon as I get a lobotomy to remove that mental image from my brain.

  “And be sure to purchase the organic brand of oil, because Miss Happy Pants is an all-natural, vegan horse,” Sebastian added.

  Huuuh? As opposed to an omnivorous horse?

  “Here’s my number in case you need to reach us.” She handed him a card from her purse.

  “Come back quickly,” Juan said.

  Harper nodded and flashed a little smile. That guy really was a flirty little horn-dog.

  “If you don’t mind, I’ll drive,” Austin offered with a short tone, already halfway to his car.

  “Sure. Go right ahead.”

  I can’t believe he’s still bent out of shape.

  Harper got into the passenger side, one hundred percent determined to keep silent and let Austin cool off so as not to start another fight. This day was already bad enough, and she needed to have a serious grown-up conversation with him about, well, a lot of stuff, frankly.

  Good luck with that. Harper fully recognized that their maturity levels instantly diminished when they got into the same room. Her only explanation was that neither had ever let go of that chapter of their lives.

  Maybe it’s time we do that, then. But how? They were both so hypersensitive around each other. Well, every bridge starts with one stone. Or steel-reinforced cement beam. Or…whatever.

  She looked at Austin, but his body language made her retreat. His square, stubbled jaw flexed with tension, and he frowned at the road ahead.

  Maybe I’ll wait.

  But once on the back road heading toward town, the silence grated on Harper’s nerves. Don’t be a wuss. Start by clearing the air. She could begin by letting him know that if he liked Jodiann, she wasn’t going to stand in his way.

  Great idea. See. Lay down the first stone.

  “So. How was your night last night?” she asked.

  Austin glanced her way. “What do you mean?”

  “Well,” she said in her best I’m-really-happy-for-you tone, “it was pretty obvious that Jodiann is into you. Think she’s the one?”

  Her question only seemed to make him more upset. “Don’t be ridiculous, Harper,” he grumbled.

  “I’m trying to be open-minded. You’re the one who said that you believed in true love.”

  “You make it sound like some pathetic line from a movie or a mystical creature from another planet.”

  “Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I feel about it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t respect your beliefs.”

  He scoffed.

  “Why do you care what I think, anyway?” she asked.

  “I don’t. I just think it’s pretty damned strange your dream job entails reporting about engagement parties and weddings.”

  She shrugged. “I get that it might seem odd to other people, but when I first started, it fed my curiosity. I got to see couples on their happiest day, surrounded by friends and family. And then, after a while, I began trying to find the similarities between the couples who lasted versus those who didn’t. I even came up with a list of questions—did they eat breakfast together? What common interests did they have? Etcetera.”

  “What did you find out?”

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” But now she was beginning to wonder if her fascination with the topic had something to do with that pea under her mattress.

  “But, obviously, some couples do stay together,” he pointed out.

  “Yep,” she admitted.

  “And you still think they’re faking being in love.”

  “Yep.”

  He shook his head.

  “What?” she asked.

  “It’s sad, that’s all.”

  “I don’t think so. I think it’s realistic and practical. And if I ever get married, I won’t be going in with false expectations of fireworks and heart palpitations for the next forty years. He’ll have his life, I’ll have mine; we’ll coexist peacefully and help each other.”

  “Lucky man,” Austin said sarcastically.

  “Go ahead and poke fun, but he will be a lucky man. He’ll have a woman who is a loyal and devoted best friend. And he’ll get to have sex with me anytime he wants without the headache of having to get me in the mood or woo me.”

  Austin swallowed something stuck in his throat. “So you don’t believe in foreplay?”

  “Nope. Well, not every time. I think sex is a biological need. Like eating. So if you’re in a relationship, it’s your job to feed the other person what they want.”

  “You are a very strange woman.”

 
She looked at him curiously. “You’re just realizing that?”

  He shrugged, eyes on the narrow road that cut between several vineyards.

  “But you know what’s stranger?” she said. “That you think you’re going to find Mrs. Right by the end of the week.”

  “God, no. I don’t think that. It takes time to determine if the other person is the right one. Not everyone is who they say they are when you first meet them.”

  Bringing this up again, was he? “Austin, I said I was sorry. How long are you going to hold it against me?”

  “I wasn’t talking about you.”

  “Oh. Then who?”

  “Never mind.” He started to fiddle with the antique, silver radio knobs.

  Never mind? Never! It wasn’t in a reporter’s nature to let anything go. She’d simply need to wait until the right moment to pry the lid off of that little comment. In the meantime…

  “All right,” she said, “since you won’t be declaring your undying love for anyone this week, I need to ask you a favor.”

  “Yes?”

  “Basically, the paper’s owner was so upset that—”

  “Uh-uh. I gave you a chance. I was willing to walk away from this story, but you insisted I stay.”

  “Austin, you don’t under—”

  “It’s too late. I already called my editor last night and told him about the story. It’s going full page as soon as I deliver it.”

  “You can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Is there a way for us to share the story? Each take turns interviewing Luci on different topics?” The moment those words left her mouth, she realized how stupid that idea was. Newspapers didn’t share or collaborate on stories. They competed.

  Austin flashed her a look. “Really, Harper?”

  “No. You’re right. Not gonna work.” But she didn’t want to go up against Austin. That said, what if losing wasn’t that big a deal to him. Maybe he really didn’t care as much as she did. “What if I get the story first?”

  Again, he shrugged. “Doubtful.”

  Smug ass! “I know in your mind no one could ever beat you at anything, but humor me. What happens if I win?”

  “My editor would be pissed since I already committed, but he’d get over it.”

  Oh, good! So it wasn’t the end of the world.

  “But,” he added, “it will affect that promotion I’ve been pushing for.”

  Oh, crap. Well, at least it wasn’t as bad as her situation. Her good friend would lose her job, and both of their careers would be over. Harper would have to go back to writing freelance articles for magazines and scraping by month to month. She certainly wouldn’t be able to afford her apartment in the city. Sure, over time, she’d be able to find a steady paid position, but it wouldn’t be working for a paper. It wouldn’t be her dream job.

  She sighed.

  “Don’t even think about trying to manipulate me with some sob story, Harper; that crap doesn’t work on me.”

  She glared at him. So damned thick-headed.

  Just like you?

  Maybe.

  But on him, it’s irritating. On me, it’s normal.

  “You do know you are a bit of an ass. Right?” she said.

  “Why, because I don’t have the moral fortitude of a mood ring?”

  “What does that mean?” And why did she have the distinct impression that they were fighting over something else? But what? “Wait. You’re still mad because you think Juan and I hooked up. You’re jealous.”

  “Why would I be jealous?” he growled. “You’re not my girlfriend. We don’t even like each other.”

  She crossed her arms and looked toward the hills. “Shows what you know,” she mumbled. Because she did like him.

  “What was that?” Austin asked.

  “He didn’t see me naked,” she blurted. “I showered, borrowed some of your clothes, and went back to the B and B to get my own stuff. By the way, your underwear is really comfortable. I’m thinking of switching.” It was true. Those briefs didn’t ride up her crack. It was heaven compared to her usual no-panty-line thongs.

  They came up to a stop sign, only about a mile outside of town. Austin turned his entire body toward her. He opened his mouth to say something but then ended up staring at her lips in silence before turning his attention back to the road and continuing on.

  “That’s it? You’re not going to say anything?” she asked.

  His jaw ticked faster. “I don’t care who you sleep with. I’m not your boyfriend. I barely know you.”

  Which is why his agitation made no sense. Unless he really did like her. The thought flooded her with a strange sensation.

  “Then you need to know that your impression of me is wrong. I don’t sleep around. I never have, and I never will.”

  “I think you’re forgetting who you’re talking to.”

  Harper was mortified because she knew exactly what he meant. She’d almost slept with him the other night, and that made her a slut. “Pull over.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Pull the hell over. I’ll walk back to the farm and get my car.” It was only five miles.

  Yeah, but with the shape you’re in, that’s equivalent to ten.

  Shut up.

  “I’m not pulling over, Harper.”

  “Well, you should. Because I’m going to punch you in the balls, which will result in your swerving off the road and us crashing into a tree.”

  “What did I do?”

  “You insinuated that I’m a tramp because I almost slept with you. But I’m certain your perfect self-image isn’t tarnished for almost sleeping with me, even though if we were to compare notches in our belts and your multiple current relationships, the overwhelming vastness of your sexual conquests would far exceed mine.”

  The car pulled up to the stoplight just off the main road that would take them to Calistoga. Harper hopped from the car and slammed the door shut.

  “Harper, I’m sorry. Come back.”

  “Hypocritical sonofabitch.” Harper walked in the direction of the farm. Great. Now I have to walk five miles. Asshole. Where does he get off calling me a slut? And how can he be so insensitive? This job is my life. But he won’t even listen to what I have to say. Why did he have to come back into my—

  “Harper.” A strong hand grabbed her arm.

  She turned to see Austin, who’d evidently left his car running at the stoplight.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t think you’re a slut. And that wasn’t what I meant. Please get back in the car.”

  “What did you mean, then?”

  “I meant that…I meant that…Okay. You caught me. I was thinking that, and it was wrong. I should know better. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” He flashed one of those goddamned adorable smiles that instantly melted away every ounce of anger she felt.

  How does he do that? And how in the world does this man continually keep reducing me to the maturity of a thirteen-year-old? I am a grown woman, for fuck’s sake. And nobody’s opinion matters but my own. She blew out a breath, shaking her head at herself. Pathetic. Grow the hell up, Harp.

  The cars stuck behind Austin started honking.

  “Will you get back in the car, please?” he begged.

  “Yes.” Now she felt embarrassed. What was it about Austin that turned her inside out? They were so, so bad for each other.

  They walked back to the car, Austin waving and apologizing to the cranky drivers as they got inside. He put it into first and headed north toward Calistoga.

  This was going to be a long, long day.

  ~~

  Austin couldn’t believe what an ass he was being. Seriously. He was being an ass. A really, really big one. All because he was caveman livid over the thought of Juan and Harper. And the worst part was that she’d zeroed right in and called him on it.

  Damn, I like that. He loved that he couldn’t B.S. her.

  All right. It wasn’t as if he’d attempt
ed to hide his jealousy, but he wasn’t advertising it either. That jealousy, however, paled in comparison to the anger he felt toward himself for being so fucking weak. Yes, weak. Because that’s what jealousy was, a sign of weakness. He’d lashed out at Harper because he’d been up all night, tossing and turning with images of those two—her and Juan—kissing and showering together. He’d imagined Harper’s hips and breasts and—fuck!—he’d imagined everything. Only, he wasn’t the one touching her body. It was that goddamned Casanova smoothing a soapy loofa over her supple, alabaster skin while she groaned in ecstasy. He’d barely slept a wink, which was torture in his book because he was a man that liked his goddamned sleep. Every damned second of it. Then she’d showed up wearing yet another provocative outfit—sexy little khaki shorts that only covered enough thigh to cause an instant erection—think about crying babies, crying babies—and a tight white T-shirt that allowed him to imagine every inch of her skin below it. Then there was that long neck accentuated by her short hair. What was the woman trying to do to him? He couldn’t wait to get away from her before he did something crazy like grab her and kiss her and…

  Knock that shit off.

  The moment they reached Calistoga, Harper’s phone rang. It was Sebastian saying that they’d found a bottle of linseed oil and no longer needed them to make the run to the vet.

  “All right,” said Harper, speaking into her phone. “We’ll turn around.”

  She listened for a bit, then protested, “She really thinks we would be so careless?” Silence. “Well, yeah. I know we knocked her over, but that was different.” Silence. “Well, yeah. I know I burned Alberto with hot coffee, but that was different.” Silence. “Yes, I understand. We’ll see you later, then.”

  “What did he say?” Austin asked.

  Harper sighed. “He said he’d talk to Luci, but she’s still pretty pissed. She doesn’t want either of us to go back. She thinks we’re bad luck.”

  Austin felt a tiny bit relieved, but wasn’t sure why. Could it be because then neither of them would win this tournament and it could be blamed on someone else?

  “Well, what would you like to do, then?” Austin asked.

  Harper shoved her hands through her short silky hair, and it made him want to reach over and touch it, too. He wanted to touch every inch of her soft body, despite his better judgment. “I don’t know.”