Happy Pants Cafe

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  A long line of very happy people stood behind the roped-off entrance while ushers took names and checked a clipboard. a battalion of security guards dressed in black stood on high alert.

  “Wow,” was all Harper managed to say.

  When she got to the front of the line, a young man in a black polo, wearing a headset and sporting a name tag that read “Jim,” greeted her. “Good evening. Name, please?”

  “Harper Branton.”

  He flipped through his pages of names. “Hmm…I’m very sorry, but I don’t see you on the list.”

  “Ummm. Well—”

  “Did you receive an invitation from the Leon-Parker family?”

  “No, actually. A friend of mine is here and—”

  “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but this event is by invitation only.”

  “I know Ms. Luci, and I’m sure—”

  “She’s very thorough and gives us very clear instructions. No invite. No entrance.”

  Feeling the sting of humiliation because a long, long line of people were witnessing her rejection, she turned away and headed back toward the line of buses.

  “Harper!” She heard a male voice call out. It was Sebastian. He wore a red silk button- down shirt, open to mid-chest. A puff of fluffy gray hair spilled out and gave her the urge to run home and get a pair of shears. Hair was manly, but he looked like he was Baby-Bjorning a poodle.

  “Hi, Sebastian.” She made a little awkward wave as he slid past the rope toward her.

  “Why are you leaving?” he asked. “We have not had our chance to dance.”

  “Turns out I’m not on the list.”

  “Oh. Well, for a kiss, I can get you in.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not serious.”

  “You may show me your breasts instead.”

  “What?” she seethed.

  He started to laugh. “Okay! You win. You may show me your breasts after the tequila-shot contest. No?”

  Harper’s mouth hung open.

  “Dad?” Juan magically appeared dressed in a very nice-looking black suit. “You’re needed inside. The caterer is having trouble with one of the guests who wants a fat-free sausage.”

  Duh. They don’t make people sausage without fat.

  “What?” Sebastian’s bulging eye bulged out of his head. She was scared it might actually pop out. “These…these…people! This is not Burger Queen. You cannot have it your way.” He stomped away, mumbling about the inanity of fat-free foods.

  “Thank you,” Harper said to Juan.

  “I’m sorry about my Dad. He can be a giant ass. Especially when it comes to big breasts.” Juan looked down at Harper’s chest and smiled.

  Oh boy. Here we go again.

  “So,” he said, “what are you doing out here?”

  “I came to talk to Austin, but I’m not on the list.”

  “Not to worry; I’ll get you in.”

  “Oh. How nice—”

  “For a kiss.”

  Her face lit up. “You’re just like your dad, you know that?”

  He shrugged. “Kiss or no entrance,” he said playfully.

  Idiot. “Fine. Bye.” She turned to leave, but was jerked back and found herself wrapped in Juan’s big arms, his lips smothering her mouth like a blanket thrown over an accidental fire.

  ~~

  Austin had been keeping an eye out for Harper from the porch for over an hour while watching an ocean of very happy people pour into the party. He still couldn’t believe the size and scope of the event, but over the week he’d learned they’d done this every year for the last forty years. The family had an army of people—party planner, caterer, transportation, security—do most of the work while they oversaw every detail.

  Now, how the press had never learned about it or come to stalk the invitees was a mystery to him because he’d seen the guest list. There was everyone from high-level dignitaries, A-list movie and television stars, to well-known business people. There were also plenty of non-famous people from all over the world, too. But the variety of people coming for this event wasn’t what really piqued his curiosity. It was the brides. And grooms. And best men and maids of honor.

  “What the hell is going on?” he asked Alberto, who was head of security for the evening and posted on the porch with a walkie-talkie in each hand.

  Alberto smiled and scratched his chin. “This isn’t just a party. It’s a wedding.”

  “Wedding? For who?”

  “Anyone who wants to get married. They are all happy customers of my mother’s, but we do this for about a hundred couples every year. We have the county registrar set up inside the house so people can get their licenses.”

  “How did you manage that?”

  “She’s another satisfied customer. So is the nondenominational reverend performing the ceremonies.”

  “These are all people who ate cookies?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. It’s pretty amazing, actually. Even if you don’t believe in my mother’s cookies, it is damned strange how many people eat one and find their significant other.”

  That was pretty strange. But maybe there was some reason. Or maybe it was like Luci said, when people believe in something, it just has a way of happening.

  So why don’t you believe? he thought to himself, but he wasn’t referring to those silly cookies; he was thinking about Harper. He was thinking about how he wished things could be different between them. He was wishing that she’d change her damned stubborn opinion about love and relationships. I wish she would change her mind about…

  He looked down at his feet. His plan suddenly became clear. Like it had been whispered to him from the stars above.

  Dude. Really? Did you just think that? You’d better hope your friends don’t find out what a sappy ass you are.

  Fuck them. I want Harper. I’ve wanted her since I was eleven years old. And now he realized that he hadn’t been with all of those women because he was a horny asshole. He’d been patiently searching for “the one,” biding his time, learning how to master a woman’s difficult, prickly, and treacherous terrain all with the hope that if he ever met “her,” he’d be ready. But every time he’d met a woman, he’d subconsciously compared her to Harper, hoping that one might fit as perfectly as she had.

  None of them did. Because you can’t get any better than perfect.

  Dude. It’s official. You are a closet romantic.

  Yes. But I am manly enough to accept it. And to beat the crap out of anyone who makes fun of me.

  He turned to Alberto. “Put another couple on the list.”

  Alberto’s eyes widened just a bit, and he shrugged his brows. “Sure. Why not? And may I ask who the bride will be?”

  “Never mind that. Just make sure I’m on your list.” Tonight, he was going for all or nothing. He’d invited his parents, thinking that they would be his proof that true love was real and lasted. But now he knew that this was what he was meant to do. He was going to marry Harper tonight. He would show her that he was willing to put everything on the line for her: his job, his pride, his heart. Men like him didn’t go around exposing themselves like this. But he was willing to risk it all. For her. He would simply need to believe enough for the both of them. He simply needed to believe in her.

  He turned toward the entrance and spotted Harper. His heart dropped through the soles of his feet as he saw Juan kissing her passionately.

  Austin practically choked on his own rage.

  “Man, that’s rough.” Alberto slapped his back and chuckled. “Still want me to put you down on the list for wedded bliss?”

  Austin was speechless for several moments. “If my parents show up looking for me, I’ll be over in the drink tent with the mariachis doing the shots competition.”

  ~~

  Harper pulled away from Juan, shocked as hell that he’d just forced himself on her like that. What was he thinking?

  She slapped him as hard as she could across the cheek.

  Juan rubbed his face and smil
ed. “Mmmm…don’t pretend you didn’t like that.”

  “I didn’t. Now get me into that party. A deal is a deal.”

  Juan dipped his head. “Okay. But you and I aren’t done yet.”

  She hissed in his general direction and walked past the rope. As she got closer to the music, the base thumped inside her ears so loudly she could barely hear her own thoughts. She needed to find Austin and then get the hell out of there. This was just too much.

  She rushed toward the porch and spotted Alberto in his black polo talking on his walkie-talkie. He took one look at her and pointed toward the drink tent.

  “Thanks!” She rushed through the crowd and stopped in her tracks when she saw her sister, Jessa, and her husband, Cas, talking to Dan, the owner of the paper, of all people.

  What in the world?

  “Jessa?”

  “Harper, honey! So nice to see you.” Her sister hugged her tightly, and Cas gave her a kiss on the cheek. Jessa was snookered.

  Just then, Christina Bass-Andrews came up with her hubby. “Hey, sweetie!” She hugged Harper’s sister and then smiled at Harper.

  “Christina,” Harper said, “nice to see you again. How was the honeymoon?”

  “Fabulous!” She turned toward Dan and his wife. “Hey, guys! Wassup!” They hugged and laughed like old friends.

  What alternate universe have I landed in?

  Dan glanced at Harper and then dropped his smile. “Ms. Branton, how’s the unemployed life?”

  His wife slapped his shoulder. “Oh, honey, don’t rub it in. We’re here to have fun. Speaking of fun.” She looked at Harper. “I saw you’re with Juan.” She fanned her face. “What a catch, sister!”

  “You’re with Juan?” Jessa asked. “Wow. I just met him. That guy is crazy-humpable.”

  Cas blinked at Jess. “Humpable?”

  She shrugged. “Yeah. It’s a word.”

  “Must you be so crass?”

  Jessa’s eyes flickered with mischief. “You weren’t complaining on the limo ride over.”

  Iiiiick! “Thank you two for that wonderful tidbit. By the way, I’m not with Juan. I’m here to…to…” Everyone stared at her, suppressing smirks. “What is with everyone?”

  They shrugged in unison, looking very guilty of something.

  “Wait. How do you know my sister?” Harper asked Dan.

  “I got married recently. She helped with the prenup; it’s standard procedure as I own the paper, and my investors want to be sure it stays mine, no matter what.”

  Small world, I guess, but…

  “How do you know Christina?”

  “I’m a news man, Harper. You’re not the only one who goes to events. My wife is also a fan, so Christina always gives us backstage passes to her show’s filming. Is there a particular reason, Miss Harper, that you’re asking all of these questions?”

  “No. I guess I thought…I don’t know. I think I’m in shock.” She was about to comment that it was all too much of a coincidence, but then she spotted Austin across the crowd over in the drink tent surrounded by mariachi. Was he doing shots?

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Jessa grabbed Harper’s elbow. “Hey, where are you going?”

  Why was everyone grabbing her tonight?

  “I need to go talk to someone.”

  “Harper, you and I need to talk,” said Dan. “Immediately.”

  “About what?”

  “Um…um…” His wife elbowed him, and he yelped. “About me firing you.”

  Harper blinked. “Are you hiring me back?”

  His wife leaned into him and whispered. He nodded in agreement. “Well, I see you’re rushing over to speak with that reporter from the Oakland Examiner. And I’m sure you’re upset with him for telling me that you were helping him, but I wanted to point out that we must adhere to a code of ethics in journalism. Mr. Royce is not to blame. In fact, I applaud him for his honesty.”

  Harper couldn’t believe her ears. Was Dan telling her that Austin was the one who got her fired?

  “May I speak to you privately for a moment?” she asked Dan.

  Harper pulled Dan a few feet away. “You’re telling me that Austin called you in person and told you that I was helping him break a story?”

  He stared at her, but didn’t reply.

  “But it’s a lie, Dan. I wasn’t helping him. We were competing. Winner would get an exclusive interview with Ms. Luci and access to her client list.”

  “Well, it appears he won. I’m told by my sources that he’s breaking the news of the café and this party tomorrow morning.”

  “No. I don’t believe you.”

  “You don’t have to believe, Miss Harper. Because he’s doing the story for me. I offered him a job earlier today. He’ll be taking over our political section. His first article will be about this event. I believe he’s going to highlight how faith plays a role in modern politics. It’s a very unique angle if you think ab—”

  “You offered him a job?” Harper seethed.

  “Yes. And he just accepted about one minute before you came up. I’m very excited; he’s got a lot of passion. You could learn a lot from him.”

  Harper just couldn’t believe it. Austin had gotten her fired and then had taken a job, a promotion no less, at her paper! What a complete asshole. He really would do anything to win.

  Oh, this was the last straw. The. Last. That man was going to pay. If it took every ounce of energy she had, she was going to destroy Austin. First, she would smash his little pious faith to teeny tiny pieces. Then, she would find out whatever he was working on next and crush him. She’d work for one of those online papers if she had to, but she’d make sure that man never had a new story for the rest of his life. She wouldn’t stop until his life was utterly destroyed.

  “Well, thank you, Dan. I appreciate the honesty.”

  She turned to go find Austin, but Dan stopped her. “You aren’t going to do something drastic, are you?” His tone indicated that he almost seemed hopeful that she might say yes.

  “Nope. I’m just going to shake the winner’s hand and be on my way.”

  She felt everyone’s eyes on her as she wove her way through the crowd toward Austin. When she came up behind him, she saw him pounding shots with five mariachi gentlemen and that Jodiann woman.

  “Hello, Austin,” she said in a sugary-sweet tone.

  He turned quickly and immediately frowned. “Harper.” He wasn’t dressed up like the rest of the crowd, but wearing her favorite outfit on him: jeans and his white button-down shirt. His hair was messy but sexy as hell, and the man still hadn’t shaved, which gave him a sinfully rugged look.

  “Well, I’m here. All ready for you to prove me wrong.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, about that. I’m calling off the bet.”

  “You are? How interesting. Why would that be?” Because you already took everything from me?

  “Let’s just say that I’m no longer interested in what you believe or who you believe it with. Why don’t you go back to Juan? I think I saw him keeping his mouth warmed up for you over in the dinner tent.”

  Ah! He saw Juan kissing her and was jealous. This was her opportunity. She was going to make him wish he’d never been born.

  “Oh.” She looked at her feet. “Well, I didn’t want to kiss him, but he said it was the only way I’d be getting in, and I really wanted to see you.” She put on her most offended face and turned away, pretending she was about to leave.

  On cue, she heard Austin calling out for her. “Harper, wait.”

  She turned and looked at him. “Yes?”

  “Did Juan really force himself on you?”

  Harper nodded.

  “I’m going to kick the crap out of him.”

  Oh, look at this guy! Acting like he’s my big protector. What a jerk!

  “I can take care of myself. Besides, I slapped him pretty hard. I think he gets the point now.”

  Austin beamed at her.

  Why is he bea
ming? I can’t believe this guy!

  “Harper, all this fighting is ridiculous. And the bet…” He ran his large hands through his hair. “I-I think that you’re wrong about your beliefs, which is why I came here tonight, fully expecting to persuade you, but I know pushing you will only make you dig in harder. I just wanted to tell you that I respect you and your decision to believe whatever makes you happy.”

  “Agreed. So why don’t we bury the hatchet, then? Start over. As friends.”

  He looked down at her. “I think I can do that.”

  “So.” Harper sighed. “Where’s Libby tonight?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “She’s not here. I had to file a restraining order.”

  “Really? Why? You two seemed…happy.”

  “I didn’t lie to you, Harper. She’s crazy and threw herself at me. And she refuses to accept it’s over, which is why I came up to St. Helena in the first place. I needed to get away.”

  “Oh.” Harper gave it a bit of thought. Nope. Doesn’t change anything. He still got me fired and now has a job working at my ex-paper. “Well, I see they just switched music in the dance tent.” It sounded like they were now playing some sort of Mexican-slash-country style music. “Wanna dance?”

  “I’d like that.” He followed her over to the dance tent, where about half of the people had cleared out and moved over to the food tent, where someone was making an announcement on a loudspeaker. People cheered, but she couldn’t hear for what.

  When they reached the dance floor, she faced Austin and looked up at him, trying not to let his powerful size get to her. She placed her hand in his. It was warm and rough and made her skin pulse. He placed another hand on the small of her back.

  Don’t let it affect you. This guy is about as low as it gets. You’re going to destroy him. But as he pulled her close to his warm body and they swayed to the music, she couldn’t help but feel hurt. Why couldn’t it have worked out between them? She felt so good being in his arms, being close. Even his smell felt right. How could he have done this to her?

  Don’t think about that, Harper. Don’t be weak and soft. Think about him calling Dan. Think about him positioning himself for a promotional opportunity at your paper after he got you fired. Step one. Destroy his faith. Show him he can be tricked and fooled, and everything he’s ever believed in isn’t right. Shake his bedrock.