Might As Well

by Dean Budnick

  (PUT OUT THE FIRE!)

  (They’ve gone to the megaphones already.)

  (WE SAID PUT OUT THE FIRE!)

  “At least eight of the jackets in yellow.”

  (Right on, check it out Bob, good for them. They’re actually listening and extinguishing the fire.)

  “That would be auspicious but cast your eyes in that direction.”

  (Oh, shit.)

  (HEY! Why’d you make them do that?)

  (What is it to you?)

  (Please, please do not intervene on our behalf. The Jevushuans do not seek conflict.)

  (My man, Yoshni. Sounds like you, Bob.)

  “Although Bob’s kindling is cream cheese.”

  (Well I don’t care if these guys don’t want to protest, I do! And I speak for the scene!)

  (This is where the trouble begins.)

  “This is where Bob departs. Once someone volunteers to speak for Bob, Bob wishes to select another spokesperson.”

  (That thinking will get you nowhere.)

  “Most blessedly so.”

  (We refuse to accept your tyranny. These people were not disturbing anyone. You cannot use your bullshit bullying tactics on us!)

  (The hell we can’t! You are on private property, you must obey the laws of the arena.)

  (NO ONE OWNS THE EARTH! IT BELONGS TO ALL OF US!)

  (FUCK THE ARENA! THE ARENA DOESN’T EXIST, IT’S A FUCKING CORPORATION. FUCK CORPORATIONS!)

  (AND FUCK THE LAW!)

  (AND FUCK YOOOOUUU!)

  “Bob counsels retreat.”

  (Fine. Listen, I’ll meet you at my place in ten minutes, okay? Forget about the cribbage, though, I’m up for something a bit headier.)

  “Bob has sworn off Scattergories due to irreconcilable differences.”

  (With me or with Scattergories? I am not budging from what I said down in Greensboro. Respiration is not a hobby. I’ll accept Transcendental Meditation perhaps but not the sheer act of breathing. When you included both that was double-dipping.)

  “Bob takes offense.”

  (But can Bob play defense?)

  “Challenge accepted. Chess and Coltrane it is.”

  ROBIN

  Here we go, here we go. Up the stairs.

  Skip, skip.

  Sounds good sounds good.

  Okay okay okay.

  Check it out, everybody’s twirling in the hall out here.

  This is kind, this is kind…and Bobby sounds good too.

  Okay then right here. Clean floor, happy dancing people.

  Wait, wait I should run in and see what it looks like?

  Okay, okay.

  Skip, skip.

  Kind view, kind view. No ushers, a couple twirlers. Phil side too.

  I love dancing Phil side.

  Okay, move out, back to the hall.

  Sweet sweet ‘Rooster.’

  “Oops, I’m sorry.”

  A little Mountain Dew in the hair, that’s okay, a little caffeine treat couldn’t hurt.

  “Sorry. Yes, I wash it every day.”

  Geeesh.

  This is nice. Lots of space and everyone’s smiling and there’s a great breeze and the sound carries out here too.

  Okay, Robin, now think. When you were dancing you were trying to think of something…

  No, no, you were trying to remind yourself of something—Mara, oh yeah, Mara. You were wondering where she is. I hope she got in. Seems like it’s gonna be a hot show and there’s some kind dancing room up here, I—

  No, no, that wasn’t it. Setlist, you wanted to remind yourself to write down the setlist. Okay, cool. Now, look for your stub.

  Hurry, hurry, they’re tuning, the next song’s gonna start. Wait, wait I don’t have any pockets so… Right, right, here it is.

  Cool. Okay, Now I’ll just-no wait, pen. I need a pen. Do I have a pen in here? Let me see… Okay, yes here we go, ummm okay, let’s see…

  Okay Robin think—right on! “Ramble on Rose!”

  Come on Robin, do this first. Forget “Ramble on Rose” for now.

  It’s sweet, it’s sweet though but come on, write down the list.

  Write down the list and then you can dance-you can even run inside for a minute and watch Jerry sing.

  Come on first song…

  Okay it was a Bobby, I remember it was a Bobby—“Bucket!” Right, okay, second song was a sweet “Bertha” and then we had the “Rooster.”

  Oh, crud! Pen doesn’t work though, not sure if stub is soggy or pen is loggy. Hey, I’m Rhyming Simon the pieman!

  Now it’s working!

  Alright Rob, enough of that, put down your pen and dance.

  ZEB

  Okay, what to do?

  I have this 100 level mail order ticket and he said it was a good seat but it’ll be a ton of effort to make it down there right now. The wise Head’s move is to wait until setbreak.

  So what now? What now?

  I guess it’s the aisle hang. Phil side in the far left corner, there’s a bit less congestion and the sound is great. Time to move in…

  Just in time. They finished up the “Rooster.” Time for some Jerry.

  (We want Phil!)

  (We want Phil!)

  (We want Phil!)

  Ahhh, maybe not…

  Right on! There’s some righteous crazy. They’re chanting for my man. Chanting for THE man.

  “We want Phil!”

  “We want Phil!”

  Awww, it’s fading. Sometimes they listen, though. We want Phil and sometimes the boys give him to us. I could dig all over a “Box” right now. Or a “Tom Thumb’s,” that would be equally kind. I love it when they chant for Phil. A couple of times I tried to get people to yell “Let Billy sing!” or “Let Mickey Sing!” I think the boys would dig it and who knows what would come out of it but for some reason it’s a non-starter.

  Hmm, it’s a little tighter in here than I thought. It seems like everyone in the 200 levels decided to clog the aisles in the 100 sections, making it uncomfortable for fellow cloggers like me. The ushers are bound to come in and bust us.

  But what to do now? I could run up a level. The aisles are probably clear up there because everyone’s down here.

  Or I could spend some time in the hallways with the Heads in the skirts and bell anklets, that’s usually a good trip. Nah, the first set is the wrong time for that scene. The jams aren’t long enough. Second set’s the time to catch a buzz off that action, when things get going and the jams start raging. Heads swaying, arms flying, the people become the music. On the right night whatever question anyone has about the Grateful Dead, those people are the answer.

  So what should I do?

  Ahhh…“Ramble on Rose.”

  Question asked and answered.

  I’m staying.

  STELLA BLUE

  “Mommy, it’s smoky in here.”

  (Yes it is.)

  “My eyes are itchy.”

  (I’m sorry, honey. Do you want Mommy to put in your eye drops?)

  “Nuh-uh.”

  (No? Okay.)

  “Mommy, why doesn’t anybody sit down?”

  (Because everybody’s standing up and dancing, honey.)

  “But what if they get tired?”

  (Well then they can sit down. Do you want to sit down Stella? Mommy will sit down with you.)

  “Okay.”

  (Okay. Here, why don’t you lie down and put your head on my lap… There you go. Now, why don’t you close your eyes.)

  “I don’t want to, Mommy.”

  (Okay, okay.)

  (Someone’s getting cranky.)

  (It’s been a long day for her. If she falls asleep now and sleeps through the rest of the set, I can wake her during the set bre
ak and she can walk around and look at all the people. She’ll like that. Then she can be up for the second set if she wants.)

  “Hey, Mommy, Jack and Jill. They just sung about Jack and Jill.”

  (That’s right, honey, and Jerry’s going to sing about more people you know. Like Frankenstein. And Wolfman Jack, do you know who he is?)

  “Mommy, I want to get up.”

  (Okay. Do you want me to pick you up and put you on your seat?)

  “I can do it myself, Mommy.”

  (She can do it herself, Mommy… Hey, Stella, nice to see you back. And that’s some fine dancing you’re doing. You’ve got a nice little groove there.)

  “I know I do, Aunt Jenny.”

  STEVEN

  (What did you say to her?)

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  (Come on…)

  “Emily, I didn’t say anything.”

  (Well then what did you do?)

  “I didn’t do anything. We were just standing here dancing and then she freaked.”

  (You didn’t touch her or anything, did you?)

  “No I didn’t touch her. Why would I touch her?”

  (Steven. I know you’ve got the hots for her. We all know you’ve got the hots for her. Even she knows you’ve got the hots for her.)

  Shit.

  “I’m not hot for her. She’s a friend of mine. I’m just a friend, I’m concerned. I’m a concerned citizen. A loyal patriot, a—”

  (Alright, alright. Whatever. Ooooh, ‘Ramble On Rose.’ Hey Shannon, ‘Ramble On Rose,’ ‘Ramble On Rose’… Whatever. She thinks you’re a good guy. The rest I leave to you, just behave. I can’t deal with this, I’m shrooming too and it’s ‘Ramble On Rose’ so I’m moving back to my seat. I’m leaving her in your hands. Not literally.)

  Leaving her to me. I can deal with that. I’ll be mellow. I won’t even turn my head and look over at her, not yet. She might freak or something. “Ramble On Rose” is a sweet song, I’ll let her try to deal with it on her own for a little while. Then I’ll check in and look over at her sideways. I definitely don’t want to freak her out. Besides I’ve got my own business at hand. I’m here at the show and I have to get my groove on again.

  “Ramble On Rose,” I like this one. It’s kind of hard to dance to it though. It’s like a Broadway show tune or an old-timey song or something like that. It’s cool though the way it names all those people. It’s a song about America.

  Hey that guy over there has it right, he’s kind of dancing like a slinky, sort of letting his body collapse and then straightening himself out. No, no that guy there has it, more of a skip. He’s just sort of standing there shaking his bones and kicking out his feet. That’s the way to go.

  Before my next show I’m going to work in some practice, maybe in front of a mirror. And I’m going to learn more lyrics, I definitely need to learn more lyrics.

  “Just like Jack and Jill…”

  Alright, I snuck in a couple. Okay, it’s time to peak over at Shannon. Shit, she’s sitting down. Everyone’s dancing and she’s just sitting down staring into space.

  (Hey, what’s with Shannon?)

  “Nate man, I don’t know. I think she’s having a bad mushroom trip.”

  (Nah, can’t happen. She just needs time to adjust. Watch her, she’ll be up and dancing by Mary Shelley.)

  “Who will she be dancing with?”

  (No, no. In the song. By the time Jerry sings ‘Just like Mary Shelley’ she’ll be dancing.)

  “Oh yeah, right, I know what you mean. I was thinking of something else and I spaced.”

  Shit, I gotta learn some lyrics. At the end of the term that’s what I’m going to do. I’m gonna sit down and write out the lyrics to songs on notecards so I can learn them before summer tour.

  RANDY

  (Where is he?)

  “He’s gone.”

  (What do you mean he’s gone? He was barely conscious when I left.)

  “Well while you were away he got a little more conscious and then he took off.”

  (Seriously?)

  “He spit a big old nasty loogie on my face and then when I went to wipe it off he punched me in the gut and ran.”

  (Seriously?)

  “Did I stutter? I’m covered in his blood.”

  (That’s what you get in your house when you spill paint in the garage.)

  (I’m not sure it’s necessary for the two of you to make light of those with speech disfluencies.)

  (Rand, this is Gil, the Dead Med. Gil, I don’t think that’s what we’re doing, I’m pretty sure we were just sharing an homage to John Bender.)

  (Yeah, Breakfast Club, I got that. It’s not an obscure reference. But let me reiterate, why do you need to reinforce negative stereotypes?)

  “You Deadheads are the most sensitive, delicate creatures to ever take a swing at me.”

  (Well—)

  “Or threaten to take a swing at me.”

  (Well I’ve done neither.)

  “Although you are unduly sensitive.”

  (Thank you.)

  “I’m not sure that’s a compliment.”

  (No, it is.)

  “Can a compliment not delivered still be a compliment received?”

  (Absolutely. Can an envelope not delivered still be an envelope received? Can a roundhouse punch not delivered still be a roundhouse punch received?)

  “No and no. Didn’t I already bring up the punching?”

  (Okay maybe you’re right. What about earthly salvation?)

  “Are you serious?”

  (Who wouldn’t be serious about earthly salvation?)

  “Jesus…”

  (Really?)

  “No, I didn’t mean that literally, I was muttering to myself.”

  (Do the two of you really have to stand here and debate this? Isn’t there something more productive we should be doing?)

  (Okay, I wasn’t serious about the earthly salvation either but I was serious about the stuttering. It’s a medical condition. Just let things rest. There’s no need to aggravate the situation.)

  “I feel you, Doc.”

  (Just be gentle when you do.)

  BAGEL BOB

  (Spare change for bong hits?)

  “Excuse Bob?”

  (Spare change for bong hits?)

  “Which do you seek?”

  (Excuse me?)

  “Which do you seek? Do you wish to inhale from Bob’s hookah in exchange for coins or would you prefer that Bob offer you some change so that he may partake of your smoke?”

  (I just want some change, dude.)

  “Do you wish to receive this sum so that you may ingest marijuana smoke or is such smoke the legal consideration or illegal consideration as the case may be for the coins you covet? Of course Bob should inform you that illegal consideration is an oxymoron and the exchange would be invalidated in a court of law.”

  (Dude, I don’t understand you, I just want some change.)

  “People everywhere want change. But how to achieve it, how to achieve it…”

  (What’s that?)

  “Perhaps Bob wishes to respond, to aid in your quest for change. However Bob also desires to learn the conditions you seek to allay and the reforms you hope to initiate.”

  (Dude, I don’t know what to say to you.)

  “Then perhaps you ought to say nothing. Bob entreats you to have a glorious evening.”

  STEVEN

  No shit, Nate was right.

  By the time they got to Mary Shelley, Shannon was grooving. I could see her in the corner of my eye.

  “Hey, Nate, you were right.”

  (About?)

  “Shannon. She was up by the end of ‘Ramble On Rose.’”

  (Cool. What do you think they’ll play now?)

>   “An ‘Althea’ would be sweet.”

  (Steven, man, where’s your head? Your dose must have kicked in. Two Jerry songs in a row?)

  “Right, right. I thought you meant what would the next Jerry song be. Right, the next Bobby song, I—”

  (‘Memphis Blues.’ Never mind.)

  “Right, cool.”

  “Memphis Blues.” “Memphis Blues?” What’s “Memphis Blues?” What album is that on? Of course Nate could be wrong, they’re still tuning. You can’t necessarily tell-although that guy in front of me said “Memphis Blues” too. Well here it comes, we’ll see… Yeah, yeah I recognize this. I’m pretty sure I know what this is. It sounds familiar. Everyone else seems to know it. I’ll sneak a peak… Yup, even Shannon’s kind of swaying her arms back and forth…

  (Killer…)

  “Yeah.”

  Shit, what is it? Nate knows everything. I should have gone to one of the shows last year. I don’t know any of the songs, I can’t tell what they’re playing by listening to them tune, I—wait I know this one. “Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again.” Bob Dylan. They play it on that classic hits station.

  Of course it looks like Nate knows all of the words. He’s sort of mouthing them as he grooves. Man, after this semester’s over I’m definitely going to sit home by the pool with my SAT book, a Dead lyric book, some notecards and take turns learning vocabulary words and Dead lyrics.

  And then maybe when it gets too hot outside I can go up to Sarah’s room, stand in front of her full-length mirror and practice my moves. It’s like I’m too stiff or something. These other people move like they’re liquid, it’s the classic Dead dance. Their arms and legs and head kind of roll off their bodies. Even Shannon, she’s just sort of staring out into space like she’s a zombie or something, but she’s making these little waves, almost involuntarily. And Nate, he’s doing that plus some cool things with his hands when Jerry takes a solo.