by Dean Budnick
I’m totally going to practice for summer tour.
ZEB
(Clear the aisles, you’re going to have to clear the aisles.)
Bobby Weir! Feeling those “Memphis Blues” again!
(Clear the aisles. Everyone, you’re going to have to clear the aisles.)
Smoked my eyelids!
(Sorry, you’re going to have to clear the aisles.)
“The set is almost over. Just a few more minutes…”
(Fire codes.)
“Have you see the lines out there? By the time I got in I couldn’t make it in to my seat. I was stuck outside and now they’re playing ‘Stuck Inside…’”
(Where is your seat, can I see your ticket?)
“Just a few more minutes? Then it will be set break and I’ll find my seat.”
(Can I see your ticket?)
“Sure. I… Here.”
(Your seat is a few sections over. It’s much closer to the stage than this. It’s a better seat.)
“But this is where I am now. Please, brother, I just landed here. The Dead are doing Dylan. I’ll move during set break. It’s not that far away.”
(You need to be out of the aisle.)
“Please. I was out there in line for so long, I’m finally in here and trying to connect. Please? How about if I scooch in here?”
(Fine, if it’s okay by him.)
(It’s okay by me.)
“Kindness.”
Kindness!
RANDY
(So are the two of you Deadheads?)
“Is that a joke, Doc?”
(No but here’s a joke: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?)
(I don’t know, how many?)
(None. They don’t change it. They let it burn out and then they follow it around for the next twenty years.)
(Okay…)
(Version two: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Deadheads don’t screw in light bulbs they screw in dirty sleeping bags.)
“I like that one.”
(I thought you might. Last one: How can you tell if Deadheads have been in your house?)
(No idea.)
(They’re still there.)
(Doc, you’re a regular Hawkeye Pierce.)
“Eddie, a TV reference? I’m disappointed, you’re slipping.”
(Seriously, Rand? I don’t I think ever watched that show. Come on, M*A*S*H? The great Robert Altman directed that one. I mean Alan Alda’s okay, and I suppose he’s a decent writer/director in his own right. The Four Seasons didn’t altogether do it for me although I liked Sweet Liberty.)
“My first Michelle Pfeiffer film.”
(Really, what about Ladyhawke?)
“I saw it later on cable. Best Rutger Hauer film?”
(Guys, should that even be a category?)
(Don’t be insulting, Doc, and Rand, can I remind you of a little something called Blade Runner? But, no, Hawkeye Pierce is Donald Sutherland.)
(Anyhow, do the two of you get my point?)
“Umm…”
(Deadheads look like all of us. We are everywhere. We’re doctors, we’re lawyers, we’re carpenters, we’re students. The whole point of Dead Meds is to offer non-judgmental medical assistance. We all volunteer our time and make every effort to treat and release our patients to their friends or family without involving the police in whatever may have transpired. So do you look like Deadheads? You look like Deadheads to me.)
“That’s a beautiful speech, Doc. In fact, I suppose I look quite a bit like this other Deadhead because I have his blood all over my clothes and some of his loogie in my hair. And don’t get me wrong, you Deadheads are fascinating creatures. I’m just not sure I’d let my sister marry one.”
(Will the two of you please do me a favor? When you find that guy please bring him to me. We’ll treat him the right way, I promise.)
“Your request is noted, Doc, although I might treat him my own right way first.”
STELLA BLUE
“Hey, Mommy, I know this song.”
(You do, honey, you do.)
“Aunt Jenny and I sing this song. Hey, Aunt Jenny… Aunt Jennneeeee…”
(What’s that, Stella?)
“I know this song.”
(That’s right, Stella. This is one of the songs we sing.)
“This song’s funny.”
(You think so…wait here comes the chorus. You know the words, you can sing it.)
“Get your head back on Tennessee Jed!”
(Nice singing, Stell. Although you could do with a little brushup on your lyrics. You know what your mom and I used to say to the people who didn’t quite know all the words to a song?)
“Nuh-uh.”
(‘Better attend the meetings,’ that’s what we’d say. That means go to more Dead shows, so-wait here comes another part you know…)
“Tennessee…ain’t no place I’d better beeee…black jack Tennessee…”
(Hey, Stella?… Attend the meetings.)
Giggle—
“You’re funny, Aunt Jenny.”
(I know I am Stella Blue. And you think this song’s funny too. But you only think that because the dog gets kicked and you like cats. Well I don’t think that kicking a dog is so funny at all.)
“Shhh, Aunt Jenny, I’m trying to listen to the Grateful Dead…”
ROBIN
Wheeaaahh! Twirlbuzz, twirlbuzz.
“Wheeaaahaaaa!”
Step-ba-ba-buh-turn-twirl-ba-ba-bu-bahoooo.
Whoaaah, look out, Rob, you almost turned into that woman.
Drink spill avoided.
Turn the other way
“Ooops. Sorry, ma’am…”
Well at least she didn’t—
“Yes, my hair is perfectly clean!”
Ahhhhhrrrghhh!
Nevermind, nevermind.
Buh-buh-buh-step-buh buh buh-bu-twirl step buh buh twirl buh!
Step buh buh step twirl step-twirl-move it Rob step step bu-buh-buh-buh step step twirl!
“Aheeeeee!”
Jed Jed Jed Jed Jerr Jed Jerr-Jed Jerr-Jed Jerr-Jed Jed-Jer Jed Jer step step Jeddy-Jer Jeddy-Jer Jeddy-Jer Jeddy Jeddy Jerry Jerry Jerry je-je-je-je-Jeddy step twirl bu buh bu buh.
“Ain’t no place I’d rather beeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
ZEB
Ten Jed!
The kindness potential is high.
High!
It’s all up to Jerry.
Back when I started seeing shows this was one of my favorites. It has a high kindness quotient for the beginner. Jerry jams and the song makes you laugh. It’s a total beginner song. It comes with the Dead starter kit.
It’s always a treat but some nights with the “Ten Jed” Jerry sends out these mixed message vibes that seem to tell everyone that he’s done this one too many times but he still does it because he knows the people love it, especially the newer Heads.
But other nights when he’s up there, he tears off a lick and gives a look like “No shit, that was killer. And in the ‘Ten Jed’ too, I forgot I could pull off a killer lick in the ‘Ten Jed’.”
Then he just smiles.
And there’s nothing crazier than Jerry when he smiles.
STEVEN
Now this is more like it, this is what the Grateful Dead are all about. “Tennessee Jed.”
I’m back into it. Man, going to a show is like a mushroom trip. You’re up, you’re down but it’s always intense.
It all happens in waves, almost liked it was designed that way, to match the rhythms of a mushroom trip.
Maybe it was though. That would make perfect sense.
It’s all in the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. That’s how the Grateful Dead really became the Grateful Dead before t
hey were the Grateful Dead. Whoa, that’s a cool thought. But yeah, back when they were still called The Warlocks and they were playing for Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters at the Acid Tests, that’s when they figured it out all out. So it would make perfect sense if their shows emulated the patterns of a psychedelic experience.
Whoa…
Of course “Tennessee Jed” is just good wholesome fun. It’s such a Dead song. It’s a total goof on everything. It’s about how people are always getting kicked around but they bounce back. Just like me, just like I’m doing. Of course I don’t have a talking dog, yet, but this is…well it’s merry, like the Pranksters. I bet that’s not a coincidence. Plus, I know the chorus…
“Tennessee, Tennessee, ain’t no place I’d rather be…”
Oh man, so that’s so true. I mean not Tennessee but here.
There is no place we’d rather be.
That’s why we came together.
We’re all back together again for the “Ted Jed.”
Except for Shannon. She’s sitting down, no, no… She’s back up. She’s back up for the “Tennessee Jed.” And she’s smiling. No shit, she’s smiling. Jerry made her smile.
JERRY MADE HER SMILE.
TAPER TED
Mitch really must be running on fumes now. Unless he came up with something. From this angle it’s hard to tell. Although he is hunched over the D-6 so he must still be running that kid’s blank, likely with his own deck on pause so he won’t cut the signal when the tape ends.
Where’s Rez?
The whole situation reminds me of that night at the Greek in ’84. They hadn’t pulled a “Dark Star” in three years and I’d only seen two before that. That evening at the Greek there was supposed to be a lunar eclipse and people were talking about the “Star” but people were always talking about it. They’re still always talking about it. Or about some other song about to make its miraculous return. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard rumors about them bringing back “St. Stephen.”
So the second set ended, it was a pretty hot “Sugar Mags” to close and I still had room on my tape because I figured we were due for a “Day Job” or a “Johnny B” but then they came out and started tuning and I KNEW. So I reached down and started fumbling for a blank but this was pre–Taper City and my blanks were hidden and it was too late. So I was standing there while they dropped the “Star” down on us and there was nothing I could do. So I just waited out that tasty, spacey “Star.”
When my tape ended I fired in what was left of my first set blank which was the best I could pull off under the circumstances. I lost some continuity but what was I supposed to do?
Luckily Rez made the rounds and by the time we made it home a few days later, we had a crispy uncut version waiting for us at the post office.
Where is she?
There!
“Excuse me… Excuse me… Excuse me.”
(Ted—)
“Where have you been? No, wait, do you have any analog blanks with you?”
(Sure, I think so. Wh—)
“Mitch is having problems. See him back there? Could you work your way over and hand him one?”
(Sure—)
“Give him anything you’ve got except the Phili ‘Dark Star.’ I might want to listen to that again on the way back to the hotel.”
(Sure, sure.)
“No, forget it, just give him whatever tape you have that’s already wound back to the beginning of a side. And thread it past the leader.”
(I’ll jump like a Willys…)
Okay… It’s a good thing she’s smaller than me so she can drift up there without freaking anyone out and… Bingo! Okay, he’s got it. But let’s see what he does. Will he stop, eject and insert a new tape, cutting the kid’s signal in the middle of the “Ten Jed,” or will he hold off until after the song? Now that’s a true measure of a man.
Let’s see… Attaboy. That’s the right call, he’s going to wait out the “Ten Jed” and let the kid have a clean tape…
Boom! Song over, time to drop in the new tape. Ooohhh, Mitch still has it. Clean wrist action to make it seamless. He always had the knack.
It looks like the kid’s gonna want that clean tape too. “Let it Grow.” The band has been crushing these as of late.
ZEB
Bobby, you are speaking my language!
“Let It Grow!”
I know there was a reason I bought one of these shirts from Sharon. Other than that my other one was smelling ripe and not the good kind of ripe.
This is the Bobby song for me.
This and “Playing.”
And “Cassidy.”
Oh and “Jack Straw.”
Right and “Sugar Mags.”
And “The Other One.” I cannot forget the Philtastic intensity of the “The Other One.”
And “Estimated,” that one’s heavy.
Right and “I Need A Miracle,” everyone’s favorite chorus.
And “Playing” did I mention “Playing?”
“Stranger,” right. “Stranger.”
“Throwing Stones?” Yup, “Throwing Stones.”
“Greatest Story Ever Told.” So they say.
“Born Cross-Eyed” even if they’ll never play it again.
“Black Throated Wind” because they just started playing it again.
I definitely said “Playing.”
“Mexicali” not so much.
But “Let It Grow?” This can be a beast.
Bobby’s passion, Jerry heating it up, Phil bombing away, the Devils pounding on and Brent lending a hand. Make that two.
There’s gonna let this one grow deep and spacey.
BAGEL BOB
“So, you return. Back from the wars!”
(Robert, you are not one to talk. You’ve left casualties of your own in your wake. I just passed by some kid outside the camper shaking his head and muttering something about someone who sounded suspiciously like you.)
“Was this youth soliciting change?”
(He was, indeed.)
“It is possible that Bob engaged him in jest.”
(The thing is Bob, that at times what you offer in jest others receive in confusion or even fear.)
“Fear of whom?”
(Of whom, indeed. That’s what really gets me. Best I can tell, they end up fearful of themselves.)
“Perhaps people should unnerve themselves more often. It keeps them awake and aware.”
(Perhaps, but with you it always seems to go further.)
“Bob is an advocate of going further.”
(Generally I’m with you although I have found at times that you have a unique gift for creating self-directed panic attacks in the hearts and minds of complete strangers.)
“That is the beauty of being Bob.”
(I know, I know. And in this instance you think you acted properly because you don’t believe that kid should have been out there doing what he was doing.)
“The youth’s presence is irrelevant although his actions are not. Bob does not care about geography, however behavior is significant.”
(You don’t think he should be in the lot begging for change.)
“Not until he is speaking metaphorically.”
(Well I think you’re being unreasonable there. People do that all over America. There is no reason why it should be any different here on Shakedown.)
“The distinction is that in the surrounding society most people have no choice about their condition, however this youth elected to enter the hothouse of our environment.”
(I can’t believe you’re saying that. You wouldn’t have said that fifteen years ago. That kid could have been you fifteen years ago.)
“Bob will not grant you that point. But no matter, the past is past. In the present we must work to preserve
the sanctity and purity of our environment lest we lose it.”
(And that’s why you won’t participate in the book protest.)
“Correct.”
(Well I understand but I still think you’re reading this wrong. Reading this wrong—hey now, there’s a Bob-worthy turn of phrase.)
“Chapter and verse.”
(Hey, no one-upmanship, the game is not yet afoot…Although that’s what this all is about. Anticipation and response, because—and I know you know this to be true—sometimes you have to actively campaign to make things better. And that’s what we’re going to do.)
“Bob fathoms your motivations. Yet he believes that your efforts will only antagonize. What transpired at the fireside?”
(Nothing. The Jevushuans put out the flames and the yellow jackets walked away with a couple of angry Heads yelling into their backs.)
“And you deem this fruitful?”
(Hey, sometimes it helps to challenge Big Brother.)
“Only when they have the temerity to tour without Janis.”
(Ahh, you surprise me there. I was expecting a more direct Holding Company pun.)
“Bob is happy that after all these years, he can still bemuse and bewilder. It was 50/50 on the pun.”
(Seriously though, you should reconsider. Those are the same yellow jackets who tried to close you down.)
“True. But Bob does not seek confrontation. When it arrives he will not shrink from it but he does not actively pursue it. Except perhaps in his fervid quest of an opponent’s king.”
(Fine Bob, fine. We’ll play chess. But listen, it’s a quarter of nine. The protest is supposed to take place at ten. I have to leave ten minutes earlier. If we’re in the middle of a game then we’ll have to stop and continue when I get back.)
“That is satisfactory.”