Might As Well

by Dean Budnick

  “Drums” and “Space.”

  And of course my brother is going to come up to me and complain that it’s boring and it’s the same every time. But that’s bullshit, I’ve never seen it the same. Sometimes there are similar elements and maybe it’s rigid in the sense that now there’s a specific point in the show for it but—

  Whoaaahh. Feedback. Drum feedback. Where else but at a Dead show are you going to get drum feedback? Yeah, this is more than some tribal backbeat that-

  (Mickey’s looking frisky tonight.)

  “Rez! How long have you been there for?”

  (Long enough.)

  “I take it you were watching me during ‘Looks Like Rain?’”

  (Once Bobby hit the first note I abandoned your brother up in the luxury box and hustled on down here. I love the way that song bonks you on the head and reminds you how fab I am.)

  “Well fab you are.”

  (I appreciate Bobby for reminding you of that. How about that ‘Box?’ Phil’s voice was in fine form and the harmonies were Dead on.)

  “No argument there.”

  (I had that one you know. My scorecard’s looking pretty good.)

  “Do you have our lists with you or are they back at the hotel?”

  (Back at the hotel. I can refresh your recollection though. We both had ‘Bucket’ and ‘Bertha’ with double points for the correct order. I also had ‘Rooster’ third with the bonus, ‘Ten Jed’ and ‘Let It Grow.’ You had the ‘Memphis Blues.’)

  “Tell me about it.”

  (As Tommy would say, I just did. Second set you have nothing, you have bupkis.)

  “You’re kicking my bup. Another nod to my little bro.”

  (That I am. I have the ‘Box’ opener, double points. ‘Looks Like Rain’—I predicted you’d be fabbing me up—and also ‘Terrapin.’ My lead is nearly insurmountable. You have nothing on your scorecard for this set—and don’t say ‘Drums’ and ‘Space.’ It looks like I’ve got you tonight. One more victory will clinch the tour series too. You’ll be washing dishes for a month. You seem a bit distracted though, is everything okay?)

  “Everything’s fine. That’s the problem with ‘Drums,’ I space.”

  STELLA BLUE

  (Come on, Stella we’re almost there. Through this door.)

  “It’s tooooo faaaar.”

  (You can do it. Let Uncle Ernie open the door for you…There we go, we’re there. Now come on, Stella, Uncle Ernie just needs you to—)

  (Uncle Ernie? You sound like a pervert. Like that guy from Tommy?)

  (I have no idea what you’re going on about.)

  (That’s the problem with you old guys. You don’t know shit. Ooops. sorry kid, don’t make that face, I didn’t mean to swear.)

  (Stella, are you upset with Joey for swearing?)

  “Uh-huh.”

  (Well it’s okay, he’s just a little stupid.)

  “My Aunt Jenny swears.”

  (Aunt Jerry? Jesus, Ernie, this kid’s a loon like the rest of them. Aunt Jerry? Who’s your Aunt Jerry?)

  “Jenny. My Aunt Jenny. I—she—bwahhhhhhh! I want my mommmeeeee!”

  (Great, there you go, Joey start the kid bawling. Come on, Stella, it’s okay. Joey is sorry. Aren’t you, Joey?)

  (Yeah, I’m sorry.)

  (See, he’s sorry.)

  “Are you p’licemen?”

  (No, Stella, we’re not.)

  (We’re close.)

  (See now that’s your problem, Joey, that’s the problem with you young people. No, Stella, we are not policemen and we’re not close but we are going to help you find your mom because that’s what we do. We work for this whole big arena to help lost little girls like you. That why I said we work with the Grateful Dead because we’re all trying to do the same thing.)

  (Funnel much needed dollars into the impoverished drug dealer community?)

  (We’ll all trying to make sure that people can enjoy themselves. They call us security because we want to make sure that little girls like you feel secure.)

  “You’re good guys?”

  (We’re good guys.)

  “Aunt Jenny doesn’t like s’curity.”

  (And is your Aunt Jenny here with you tonight?)

  “Not here. She’s lost.”

  (Well we’re going to find her.)

  (I’d like to speak with her.)

  (Stella, we’re good guys, I promise. We’ll find Aunt Jenny and your mom. Everybody’s smiling here. Christ, Joey, smile at Stella. Good. Now Stella, can you smile at Joey and Uncle Ernie? Remember, Uncle Ernie has the magical power to create smiles.)

  (Is that a union job?)

  “Nufting left to do but smile smile smile.”

  ROBIN

  (Devils!)

  “Rhythm Devils!”

  (Jersey Devils!”)

  “New Jersey Rhythm Devils!”

  (Billymick MaraRob!)

  “Mickeybill RobinMar!”

  (Billymick MaraRob!)

  “Mickeybill RobinMar!”

  (New Jersey Rhythm Devils!)

  “Here we goooooo!”

  Move Rob buh buh twirl left left right

  Boom boom

  Move Rob move

  Buh-buh-buh-buh buh-buh

  Buh-buh-buh

  Spirals and circles

  Circles and spirals

  twirl right left

  Boom boom

  buh-buh

  buh-buh

  (Mickeybill RobinMar!)

  “Billymick MaraRob! Billymick MaraRob!”

  Whaaaahoooooo!

  BAGEL BOB

  (Come in! Bob! So where’d you disappear to, you missed the fireworks.)

  “Bob did not see much in the way of fireworks. Although he suspects that is just what awaits him inside the pages of Hawthorme’s Blithedale Romance which he acquired via bagel barter. It is a send-up of Brook Farm. Quality commune chortles from the mid-19th century.”

  (No, Bob. literally, you missed the fireworks. I think that’s why the yellow jackets were called away before the real confrontation could begin.)

  “Ahh, Morning Gloria. Bob did not notice you and your crayons.”

  (Fabric paints, Bob. I’ve got to earn my tour too.)

  “Bob very much enjoyed the book club. Thank you for inviting him.”

  (There was a little less clubbing than I had anticipated but I suppose that’s not such a bad thing. I’m always happy to make you happy, Bob.)

  “Bob reciprocates.”

  (We all just need to come together and protect each other. It’s not getting any easier out there.)

  “Truer words were never said.”

  (On the other hand, none of us needs to protect the tourists. Sometimes I think that they’re the real threats. They’re the ones who set off the fireworks or the firecrackers or whatever it was. They don’t understand the eco-system and they don’t worry about stirring up a yellow jacket nest.)

  “Agreed. Yet they also buy Bob’s bagels, scramble for Michael’s veggie scramble—”

  (I understand. Listen that’s why I’m in here adding some splashes of color to my “Bass Great, Lesh Philling” shirts. I only have twenty left. I came on tour with 150, although 15 were confiscated in Philadelphia. I already sold out of Air Garcia and Shakedown Calvin and Hobbes.)

  (Classics, all. I should say though that on my way back here, I saw some kid selling shirts that were blatant rip-offs of Gloria’s designs—)

  “Infringing on her copyright infringements.”

  (But this kid had just been busted. They were shutting him down and he was working himself into a frenzy, blaming it on the Dead, going on and on about how they’re the ones who hire the promoters who then hire the security. Maybe we should talk to somebody about it.)<
br />
  (Great, we’ll get Jerry on the bat-phone.)

  (Well what do you think we can do?)

  “An old question. There may be no new answer.”

  (There’s always an answer.)

  “There’s always a reply but not always an answer.”

  (So speaks the zen bagel master.)

  “An appellation that demands fruition. Bob is in motion. Good evening, Morning Gloria. Michael, Bob will return at a breakfoot pace after he dispenses his lifeblood, his lifebread, so that the chess can continue. Dick Deck promised to spin an extra set of tapes, so with any luck, tonight’s show can supply the soundtrack.”

  STEVEN

  Not working for me here.

  Too much soundandcolor.

  I smell.

  Uhhhh.

  Where did these people come from?

  It’s “Drums.” That’s why. Everyone’s in the hallway. Some even have drums.

  Never thought I’d be out here in a Dead drum circle.

  Maybe if I dance I won’t feel so cold.

  Gonna shake my bones, shake my—

  “Bluuuuahhhhh.”

  Uhhhh, all over the floor. I hope nobody slips on­

  “Bluuuaaaaahhhhhh.”

  (Are you alright?)

  “Uhhh? Huhhhh? Ye-Ye-Ye-Bluuuuuuh.”

  (You need some help.)

  Too loud.

  Too loud my head is splitting. Splintering.

  (Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to a Dead Med or something?)

  “Nuhhhhh-bluhhhhh. I’m uhhhh-right.”

  Toomuch.

  Need fresh air.

  “Uhhh-scuse muh-eeeeeee.”

  Huh?

  Where?

  Theresadoor.

  (Son, are okay?)

  “I’m uhhhh-right.”

  (There’s no re-entry.)

  Uhhh-Huhhhh.

  Must head out.

  Head

  Out.

  (Did you hear me, there’s no re-entry once you leave.)

  “Uhhh-Huhhhh.”

  Where to go?

  Uhhhh.

  Never wrote down parking spot.

  Bad Deadhead.

  “Haahhhha-bluuuuahhhhh.”

  Drums outside too.

  “Drums” inside.

  Drums outside.

  Cool.

  Cool but need quiet.

  Too much.

  So many.

  So lonely.

  Must head away.

  Head.

  Away.

  RANDY

  (Shotgun?)

  “Nah, I prefer to settle things with my fists. Sometimes even with my head.”

  (Well, you do have one hard fucking head.)

  “It’s knocked you on your ass quite a few times. But that’s not what I meant.”

  (Whatever. You’re soft.)

  “Have you seen yourself in a mirror?”

  (You’re not good at taking criticism.)

  “You’re not good at taking criticism,”

  (That’s exactly the attitude that leaves Angela cold.)

  “Enough with my girlfriend.”

  (That’s not what she said.)

  “Already give me that shotgun.”

  (I meant a beer, you wanna shotgun this beer?)

  “Why not, I’m off the fucking clock, right? Even if I am still wearing this bloodied up windbreaker.”

  (We’re gonna get that guy, Ellis. That’ll salvage the day for you. Ready? Coors Extra Gold in a can… Boom!”

  Ahhhh!

  “Hits the spot!”

  (Seconds?)

  “Why the hell not?”

  (Alright, here you go! Pow!)

  Yehhhhh!

  (My turn. None of that Extra Gold for me. You heard what’s really in there to give it that special goldiness, right?)

  “That’s Corona and that was bullshit. I’ll prove it by ground pounding another one to ease the stress of a stressful fucking day.”

  Yahhhhhh!

  “What are we going do with the rest of these? I mean I bet we could plow through the entire case.”

  (Hang on, let me Bud Light myself… Damn that tastes good… It’s even sweeter because it was free! Damn, I am going to make the best cop one day.)

  “Or the worst.”

  (Potato, potahto,)

  “Well, you are already giving in to the starches…”

  (Alright, let’s go find that guy for you…)

  “Why do you keep coming back to that?”

  (Like I said, I love this cop shit. Mack even had me go in Serpico style. How’s that for a film reference?)

  “Serpico?”

  (Maybe I got that wrong.)

  “What about all this beer?”

  (I say one for the road. Second thought, how about a double session?)

  “I’m game.”

  Yeeeahhhhhhhh!

  (Sweeeeeet! So we’ll leave the two cases out here, right on the edge of civilization in this corner of the lot. Then after we go pop that guy, I’ll come back for them. You had a problem with Rennick’s Chevette? Maybe you can go grab Robbins’ car and swing it back here. But for now our focus is this other guy. We are officially on the prowl! Ready?)

  “Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You’re mine. Next time I come in here I’m cracking skulls!”

  (What?)

  “Breakfast Club!”

  (Any time of day is fine by me.)

  ZEB

  (You ever think about what you’d say if you met him?)

  “Who?”

  (Who? Who. Jerry. Isn’t he just infiltrating your head right now? It’s almost insidious.)

  “Actually I’m having my Phil—”

  (We were talking earlier about how he’s a literary scholar. He owns the rights to a Kurt Vonnegut novel. Not Slaughterhouse Five, maybe Breakfast of Champions. So if I ever met him that would be the conversation starter. I’d ask him what he’s gonna do with that.)

  “Right on, if that’s what interests you.”

  (Well actually, it doesn’t. Not really. Maybe a bit. Perhaps even more than I realize but I’d have to be strategic about it. Okay, what I really want to know is when they’re gonna bust out the nuggets. I’ve never seen ‘St. Stephen’ or ‘Cryptical.’ Sometimes, I feel like I’m chasing both of those. How about you?)

  “I’ve never seen them.”

  (I realize that. They stopped playing both of them when you were in nursery school. This is the part of the show where I just start thinking about those possibilities, you dig?)

  “I dig.”

  Craig is right on about that because this is where the big time craziness begins.

  ‘Drums’ into ‘Space’ into Whatever. That’s the killer part, the righteous part, the into Whatever.

  I think the Rhythm Devils are misunderstood. Some brothers and sisters just don’t get it. They go off and get a hot dog or something but some of them, like the dancers in the halls, they groove all over it, especially if it’s one of the more tribal ‘Drums.’ But I totally get into the edgier stuff, where the drum sounds are going back and forth through the speakers and it builds and builds and builds and then BOOM the loudest sound I ever heard. So loud it pisses me off because I forgot that a sound that loud even existed. It rattles me.

  But then ‘Space.’ Now that’s THE PLACE.

  All kinds of Space and the Boys know all of them. Outer Space. Inner Space. Already in My Head Space. Space that’s forced into my head. Space they extract from my head.

  Last night it was all UFOs and orchestras.

  My number one right on Space though is that burpy P
hil bass Space. It takes me down into the ground and I’m a dinosaur fossil playing with all the other dinosaur fossils.

  But sometimes they’ll even go back further and I’m not a fossil, I’m an actual stegosaurus. Then I’m a stegosaurus who turns into a fossil who turns into oil. I’m way below ground but when they play little bits of songs that I recognize I bubble up closer and closer to the surface.

  And then ZWAPPP! They do it! One second I’m a dinosaur and then I’m a fossil and then I’m oil and then they go into a song and I come gushing up through a hole in the earth and I’m dancing along with 20,000 other people. I don’t have any arms or legs or anything because I’m still liquid but I’m already dancing.

  (I can tell, you’re thinking about your special Jerry question, aren’t you?)

  STELLA BLUE

  (Ernie, for once you’re actually right about something. It is indecent that this little girl—)

  (Stella—)

  (That Stella has never watched Sesame Street. But she’s heard of Ernie and Bert, right? You’ve heard of Ernie and Bert right?)

  “Nuh-huh. I wannnnt my mommmeeeee.”

  (Sorry, Stella. we’ll find your mommy. Ahh, now here’s someone who can help. What’s the story, Roberts?)

  (We put it out there through the walkies on the open channel. We also have a few people walking around this level of the concourse with the specific goal of reuniting a missing three-year-old girl—)

  “Threeandalmostfour.”

  (with the specific goal of reuniting a missing three-and-almost-four-year-old girl with her mother. As long as said mother isn’t tweaking out somewhere—not sure how I’d lay the odds there—we’ll be fine.)

  (Hey Joey, where’s that old black and white TV set we used to have in here?)

  (The basketball game against the Pistons was so painful a few weeks back that I traded it for early release so I could go home and watch Cheers. I’ve been getting back into it lately, despite the whole Boston thing.)

  (Really?)

  (Yeah, I used to like it better with Coach but I’m really warming to Woody. He cracks me up. Plus I think that Frasier has come into his own now that he’s part of the ensemble.)

  (Ensemble? That’s a rather hoity-toity way to describe a bunch of barflies.)