Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Mom leans back in her chair. Her hands leave the table and rest in her lap. Her eyes, they move from me to the table and to the window. Maybe she’s watching for my dad, knowing I’d never say things if he was around.

  “She’s very pretty.”

  “She’s beautiful, inside and out. And I like her a lot.”

  She nods and picks up her coffee cup, but doesn’t take a drink. “You know you’re not allowed to date.”

  I sigh. “Why’s it okay if I go out with Dylan?”

  This has been something weighing on my mind. They are always so eager and willing to let me hang out with Dylan. Hell, she even let me spend the night in a hotel room with her without even questioning our motives. For all she knows we were having crazy animal sex all night long.

  “Dylan…” Mom smiles when she looks at me. A real smile, one that makes her face light up. She loves Dylan. I know this. “She’s a good girl and treats you well.”

  “So does Hadley.”

  She shakes her head. “A good girl would never ask you to sneak out at night to meet her.”

  “You…” my voice catches in my throat. “You know?”

  She nods.

  “It’s not what you think.” I look away to gather my thoughts. How am I going to sell Hadley to my mom when she’s so smitten with Dylan? “I like Hadley, Mom. A lot and want to see her as much as I can. She doesn’t live around here, so it’s not like I can see her at school or hang out after. She works a lot –”

  “What does she do?” she interrupts me. At least she’s asking questions. That could mean she’s interested.

  “She’s a musician.”

  “Devil’s music?”

  “Mom, she’s not the devil. She’s a musician. You’d like music if you’d listen. Hadley tells stories with her songs.”

  “It’s not allowed, Ryan.”

  “Why not?” I ask, leaning forward. I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me why we don’t watch television or even have a radio, but she doesn’t. She just sits there with her coffee cup in her hand, holding it tight as if it’s her lifeline.

  “Mom, please talk to me.” I plead. “I saw you last night in here and things looked weird. What was that?”

  She looks at me, her eyes cold. “It’s called praying. You should do more of it. It will help you guide your decisions so that you are making the best one for yourself.”

  “Mom, I like Hadley and she likes me. I’m not asking for permission to see her. I’m almost eighteen and am willing to take the risk of sneaking out at night to be with her, but I’d like for you to see things from my side. For the first time, I’ve found someone that likes me for who I am and isn’t turned off by my second-hand clothes. She doesn’t care that I don’t have money, drive a fancy car, or live in a mansion. None of that matters to her because she likes me, your son, the one you’ve been raising.”

  I can’t sit anymore. My hands are shaking. I want to throw her puzzle across the room and demand that she show me one ounce of support, to be there for me instead of hiding inside herself all the time. I get up and pace, chewing on my bottom lip. When I turn and look at her, she’s crying. I’ve made her cry.

  I go to her, bending down in front of her. “Mom,” I say as I move her chair away from the table and take her cup out of her hand. “I want a chance at a life different from here. This life isn’t for me. The walls are closing in and I feel like I’m being squeezed of everything I know. Please, Mom, I know you’re not happy here. You never smile and it kills me to see you like this.”

  “I’m happy,” she says quietly.

  I shake my head. “Well, I’m not. I don’t want to work at the mill. I don’t even want to live in Brookfield anymore. I hate it here.”

  “Ryan –“

  “No, Mom, listen to me. I need something different. I want to be in a place that is alive, where people talk to each other every day, not just on Sundays.”

  “And this girl plans to take you away?”

  “No, she doesn’t, she’s not like that.” I get up and move back to my chair. “Hadley is different and the way she makes me feel – I didn’t know what I was missing until I met her.”

  “You sound like you’re in love with a girl you just met.”

  I shrug. Maybe I am. I just don’t know what love is or what it’s supposed to feel like. If love is what my parents have, I don’t want any part of it.

  “I like her, mom. She makes me happy.”

  “You just met her.”

  “I know, but haven’t you ever felt a connection with someone so strongly that you’d do whatever it takes to see them?” I lean forward, waiting for her answer. She must’ve felt something for my dad at one time. He couldn’t have always been like this.

  She shakes her head. I wonder why she married a man she doesn’t love.

  “Do you love Dad?”

  “Of course.”

  “But he doesn’t make you smile.”

  “Things…” she takes a deep breath. “Things change after a while.”

  “If you love someone, your love should only grow stronger. Isn’t that what you used to whisper to me at night?”

  Mom looks out the window and back at me. “Love is foolish, but I have a feeling you aren’t going to listen to me, so you need to be careful, Ryan. You can’t let your father find out about this girl or what you’ve been doing at night.”

  I sit back, shocked at what she just said. “You’ll let me see Hadley?”

  She nods, biting her lower lip. “Please don’t do anything stupid. I can’t protect you.”

  “I won’t, I promise. Would you like to meet her? Again, I mean.” I hope that she says yes. I don’t want to keep Hadley shut out of my life. I’d like for us to have a normal relationship. Well, as much as one is allowed.

  “Your dad isn’t going to church tomorrow. I’ll meet her then.” Mom gets up and walks away, leaving me to think about what she just said. She’s willing to meet Hadley and invited her back to church.

  I hear the pots and pans clinking together and figure I should help. I roll up her puzzle and put it away, along with her folding table. I have a few minutes before I’m due to leave for work and there’s only one thing I want to do.

  I walk into the kitchen and wrap my arms around my mom, hugging her tightly. “I love you, Mom.” I kiss her cheek quickly, but it was enough to know she’s been crying.

  CHAPTER 20

  Hadley

  “We should get up and do something. We could go shopping.” I say this with no intention of moving. I’m comfortable. My head is resting on his chest as he plays with my hair. I picked him up at work and we came back to my hotel. When he suggested we go to bed, I admit that I froze. I’m walking a fine line between right and wrong and one slip up and I’m in deep. I have to be careful. When I said we could sit on the couch, he whispered that he’d keep his hands to himself. Something I wanted to tell him wasn’t necessary, but knew it was.

  Now the sun is shining through the large picture window of my hotel, warming the room. I could stay here all day, locked in his arms. We slept, but not very much. Once I got over the shock of him actually being here, I couldn’t keep my lips off of him. He held true to his word though and his hands didn’t roam, even if I wanted them to.

  Ryan sits up on his elbow, effectively pushing my back onto the bed. His hand trails down the curve of my face. His fingers ghost over my lips. His eyes roam over my face, before his lips touch mine briefly.

  I reach for him instinctively when he pulls away, but he shakes his head. He’s toying with me and it makes me wonder how he learned to act like this or if this is just natural.

  “Would you like to meet my mom?”

  I move away slightly, staring at him with shock. I know I heard him correctly, but for some reason I’m having a bit of trouble comprehending what exactly he just said.

  “Say what?”

  “You heard me.” He pulls me back into his arms, nestling against my neck. His lips p
ress against my skin ever so lightly, sending chills down my arms.

  “You want me to meet your mom?”

  He nods against my neck.

  “Does she want to meet me?”

  “Yes,” he whispers against my skin.

  This time I sit up, breaking the connection between us. I can’t take him seriously when all I want to do his rip off his clothes. I sit cross-legged in front of him. His hand immediately finds mine. He, too, needs to touch me. It’s like we need each other to breathe and that’s something I haven’t felt for a very long time.

  “What’s going on, Ryan?”

  He sits back up on his elbow. “We talked yesterday before I went to work. I told her that you’re important to me.”

  “Does she know you’re here?”

  “Yes, she does. I guess she’s helping me in a way. She doesn’t approve of me sneaking around, but she’s not going to tell my dad.”

  “That’s a good thing, right?”

  Ryan chuckles. “Very good.”

  “Where am I supposed to meet her?”

  “Church,” he says as he looks at the bedside clock. “That gives you two hours to do whatever girls do before we have to leave.”

  I punch him lightly with my free hand.

  “How long does it take you to get ready?”

  “I can be ready in forty-five minutes. Why?”

  “Because I want to kiss you some more.”

  “You do?”

  “Come here, let me show you.”

  I fall into Ryan’s arms. His hands don’t leave my hair, my neck, or my face. They never roam past my shoulders. This PG relationship is not what I had in mind when I thought about having a boyfriend, but I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever I can get with him.

  Pulling away from him is torture. It’s like pulling two magnets away from each other. The pull is there and sometimes you aren’t strong enough to keep them from reattaching. That’s how I feel. He makes me want to be better, to write more, to smile at every little moment that happens to me, whether it’s a good thing or not.

  I slip on a dress, one more appropriate for church, and stare at myself in the mirror. I’m twenty-two years old and in love with a boy. I mouth the words over and over again, I love him. I watch in fascination, as my face breaks out into the biggest grin I’ve seen in a long time. Nothing can even come close to what I’m feeling for Ryan and he’s about to introduce me to his mom. If he had told me this when we first met, I’d call bullshit.

  Coming out of the bathroom, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s changed into slacks and a dress shirt. If I didn’t know better, I’d say we are an old couple following a daily routine. I like the idea of growing old with him.

  He stands, taking the few steps that separate us. He pulls my hand into his. He’s happy – it’s written all over his face.

  “I have a beautiful girlfriend.”

  I shy away at him calling me beautiful. He doesn’t realize how much of a compliment that is. How much that word means to me. Sure, I hear that I’m hot or sexy, but never beautiful.

  “Thank you.”

  “I mean it.” He steps closer. I want to kiss him. Throw him back onto the bed and rip off his shirt. The desire to feel his skin against mine is there, testing my resolve.

  “I know,” I say, nodding. “You make me feel beautiful.” He does. It’s in the way that he looks at me. The way that he holds my hand or caresses my face, his fingers stop against my skin.

  A knock on the door causes him to step back; even though Alex knows he’s here and knows about us, he’s cautious. I can’t blame him, but would like him to feel at ease when we’re together like this. Alex isn’t going to tell anyone.

  “Come in,” I holler. Ryan lets go of my hand. He turns away and stares out the window, stuffing his hands into his pockets when Alex walks in.

  “Your car is here.”

  “Great, thank you. Do you want to come with us?”

  “To church?”

  I nod.

  “I’ll pass. I have a date with my American Express.” The thought of going shopping appeals to me, but this is important to Ryan. It’s important to me. I want his parents to like me and if his mom is offering an olive branch, I’m not going to turn my back.

  Alex turns and leaves. I know she’s waiting for a heart-to-heart, the one where I tell her that I’ve fallen completely in love with him even though we’ve just met. If I believed in love at first sight, I’d say I had it for Ryan, but I don’t. Not after last time.

  I walk over to Ryan and slide my arms through his. My head rests between his shoulder blades. He leans back, gently, adding just enough pressure to let me know he’s aware of me. My lips press to his cloth-covered back. He turns in my arms, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close.

  “I hate thinking about leaving this room.”

  “I know. I’ll have a house soon, not that it makes much difference, but we’ll have more freedom. We’d be able to go outside and walk around.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  Ryan smiles down on me, giving me a light kiss on my nose. “We need to go.”

  I reluctantly let him go and we walk side by side out of my hotel room. Our arms brush lightly as we walk. I want to hold his hand, but with the security cameras, I can’t risk it. I hate feeling this way – hate it. It makes me feel as if I’m ashamed that he’s with me. Of all things, why does he have to be only seventeen?

  When we reach the lobby, Ryan slips his jacket over his head. This is something we discussed and as much as I hate it, it’s for the best. I need to protect Ryan and this is the only way to do it. The last thing I need is for Ian to have to do damage control. He has already been leaving me angry voicemails and once he figures out I’m in Jackson, he’s going to become even more irate. Not that I can blame him. I did leave right after a show without any word to him.

  Ryan follows me through the lobby. As soon as the door opens, I look to my left and then right. I don’t see any cameras, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there, lurking in the shadows and behind brick walls. I slide into the car, followed by Ryan. Once the driver has shut the door, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

  I search for Ryan’s hand while watching out the windows as the driver takes off. We’re sitting too far apart due to the lack of privacy glass. At least the windows are tinted. Alex will have to be more specific when she orders cars, especially when I’m with Ryan. I don’t want to hold back if I don’t have to.

  Our conversation stills and, believe it or not, we discuss the weather. I never thought I’d be that type of person, apparently I am. Ryan tells me that the temperature here stays fairly warm through the winter, but they do get a lot of rain. He asks me about Christmas in New York City, so I tell him. I watch as his features change, much like you’d assume a little boy on Christmas morning would look. I may have to kidnap him and take him to New York. There is no way I’m not going to try and recreate this image again.

  When we pull into the church parking lot, people stop and stare. I wasn’t thinking. I should’ve rented a car and drove us. This black town car is a sore thumb, a blinking light screaming ‘look at me’! I lean my head back and close my eyes, wanting it all to go away just for two hours so I can meet my boyfriend’s mother without any disruptions. Somehow I doubt that’s going to happen.

  I slip on my dark glasses and large hat just as my door opens. I’m being treated like the celebrity that I am. I should’ve asked for no special treatment. I seem to stop thinking rationally when I’m with Ryan. He clouds my judgment. This isn’t what his mom needs to see. I look like some rich snob, too lazy to open my own door.

  Ryan nudges me. I look at him briefly and smile before sliding out of the car. He follows, reaching for my hand once the car door shuts. I try to pull away, to save him from the onslaught of what’s about to happen, but he holds on tighter.

  The last time I was here, we snuck in. That was the smart thing to do. This time
, I’m out in the wide open and people staring. Funny enough, these are the same people that saw me in the basement and paid no attention to me, but now, they can’t get enough of an eyeful.

  Ryan walks us by a small group of people. A few of them whisper, one of them points. I should be used to this, but I feel like I’m under a microscope. I’m being scrutinized and I hate it.

  His mom walks up to us. Her dress is green and looks new. She beams when she looks at her son. The expression on her face is infectious and I can’t help but grin.

  “Mom, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Hadley. Hadley, this is my mom, Sally Stone.” Ryan repeats the same words he said last time he introduced us, only adding girlfriend this time. I extend my hand and am warmly met by Sally Stone’s hand.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Hadley.” Her hand is cold in mine. She doesn’t have a strong grip.

  “Believe me, Mrs. Stone, the pleasure’s all mine.”

  “Please, call me Sally.”

  I look at Ryan, who looks pleased, if not sitting on the edge of excited. “Thank you for inviting me today.”

  “Well, I know you’re busy so I’m glad you could join us.”

  Ryan leans in and gives his mom a kiss on the cheek. Her face lights up, like this is the first time he’s done something so sweet. Somehow I doubt that.

  We follow his mom into church. I try to ignore the stares and whispers and wonder if Ryan is listening. If he is, does he care? I pray that he doesn’t, because this is peanuts compared to what things will be like if we were to be seen in someplace like New York.

  We stop short when his friend, Dylan, steps in front of us. She looks upset. Her hands are resting on her hips and her eyes are red. It looks as if she’s been crying.

  “I can’t believe you brought her here after you told me yes.”

  CHAPTER 21

  Ryan

  I freeze when Dylan stops in front of us. I never got a chance to tell Hadley about the stupid dance. No, that’s not right. I had many chances, but couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Deep down I have a feeling I’ve done something wrong. Every time the words were ready to come out, my heart feels as if it’s squeezing, cutting off my circulation. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I tell Hadley, but my gut is telling me that she’s going to be hurt.