Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Ryan?”

  “What?”

  “I know this sucks –”

  “You’re going out on tour with your ex-boyfriend and not just any ex, but one you’ve lived with and clearly had sex with and you’re going to be spending every waking minute with him. I’m sorry if the visions going through my mind aren’t what you think they should be.”

  “Ryan –”

  “Is Alex going?”

  “No.” She says this so quietly I almost don’t hear her. So no Alex to keep Hadley occupied or to intercede. Perfect.

  I rub my hand over my face. I never knew what jealousy was until now. Everything in me is screaming that this is not good. Nothing good is going to come from this.

  “Hadley, I know it’s your job. I get it. I’m just… I don’t know what I am.” I lie. I’m jealous and hurt. Her manager did this. She was supposed to be off. We’re supposed to be able to spend winter vacation together. I’ll be eighteen. We had plans.

  “I’ll be there for your birthday.”

  “Yep. I gotta go. I have to work.” I hang up. For the first time since we’ve started dating I’ve ended the conversation first and throw my phone onto the bed. It rings instantly, but I ignore her call. I don’t have anything to say.

  She calls back, I hit ignore and get ready for work. I can hear the phone vibrate against my bed, but I don’t look. I can’t. I don’t want to look at her smiling face on my screen knowing that I’m losing her.

  Did I really even have her?

  Probably not.

  She’s Hadley Carter – mega superstar – and I’m Ryan Stone – nobody.

  CHAPTER 24

  Hadley

  He hung up on me.

  He isn’t answering my calls. I never thought things would be like this and all because of Ian and his need for power. I need to tell him no. Tell him that this tour isn’t going to be anything but a problem for me and that I won’t do it. I don’t need to. So what if some stupid article said I was in rehab. If my fans really want to believe that, then so be it. Ryan is more important to me.

  I should’ve known Ian was up to something when he demanded that I stay in Los Angeles and not return to New York when Alex left. We’re too close and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like that I listen to her and ask for her input on projects. I know he doesn’t like it when Alex speaks her mind; she challenges him and to him that’s disrespectful.

  I try Ryan one more time, hoping that he’ll answer. The phone rings and rings and by the fifth ring I know he’s not going to pick up. Why should he? I just told him that I’ll be spending the next six weeks with my ex-boyfriend. Ryan’s smart enough to know that’s night and day in this industry. There are daily rehearsals, interviews and travel. He’s going to drive himself crazy with worry. I can’t really blame him. I’d be worried too if he told me he was going on a trip with Dylan. I may have told him homecoming was a good idea, but I only did so he wouldn’t lose his best friend. I’m a woman in love, I want him on my arm, not my competition's and whether Ryan sees that or not, she wants him and I probably just delivered him to her on a silver platter.

  I put away my phone. He has nothing to say. In all likelihood I’m going to miss his birthday and there isn’t anything I can do about it. That was to be the night that I don’t tell him no. The night when I give in to all my urges and finally be with him the way I’ve been dreaming about. I know Ryan wants to move things along and now he’s worried about Cole. He didn’t have to say the words, but his reference to sex was enough to convey that he thinks there could be something more. I can’t blame him. I can’t. He has every right to feel jilted.

  I pull out my phone and try him again. Same result. I try Alex. She’ll know what to do. I can’t believe I didn’t think about calling her right away. She would’ve been able to tell me how to handle Ryan.

  “What’s up, Buttercup?”

  “I’m in trouble.”

  “Why, did you and Ryan tango and his parents find out?”

  “No, worse.” At least it is in my book.

  “Worse? Details and hurry, because the suspense is already killing me.”

  “You’re so dramatic. Anyway, Ian is sending me back on tour and Coleman is going with me.”

  Silence.

  And more silence.

  Alex clears her throat.

  “Coleman as in Coleman Hollister, the most eligible bachelor in the world according to People Magazine, Coleman Hollister?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “And you told lover-boy all about Coleman didn’t you?”

  “How’d you know?”

  “Because I know you, Hadley. You were upset about Ian and the hottie jailbait called and you spilled your guts.” I try not to smile when she calls Ryan jailbait. I should’ve called her first. She would’ve coached me on how to break the news to Ryan without having all this drama.

  “Don’t call him jailbait.”

  “Did you smile?”

  “Yes, but still. Anyway, he’s not talking to me. He’s upset and I don’t blame him, but there isn’t anything I can do. Ian’s still pissed from the last time I took off to see Ryan and said I need this for my image. He’s threatening to tell everyone how old Ryan is.”

  “He wouldn’t.”

  “I’d like to think he wouldn’t, but I’m not so sure I can trust him to keep Ryan a secret. Besides, he’s already told Cole so it’s just a matter of time.”

  “He told Cole?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Freaking shady.”

  “Tell me about it,” I sigh heavily into the phone. I don’t understand why things can’t be simple.

  “Here’s the thing. Your image, it’s fine. So what if one magazine thinks you went to rehab. You were gone for a weekend. It’s not like you disappeared for a month and you were spotted in Jackson. It’s not like there’s a clinic there. There’s only one image of you and Ryan and you can barely see Ryan. Someone would have to do a lot of digging to find dirt on you and him together. Ryan could totally play off the superstar crush that all the other guys out there have. I think Ian is up to something, Hadley. He’s dirty and sneaky. And why bring Coleman in? Unless he’s planning a bunch of staged publicity shoots and telling the media you guys are together, what’s the point?”

  I hadn’t thought of it like that. I’d like to think my uncle wouldn’t stoop so low, but maybe he would. Maybe there’s more at stake than I realize. But Ryan's at stake for me. He knows this is my job and he accepts that, but I promised him time off and a special birthday and I’m not interested in breaking that promise to him.

  “Do you really think Ian would do something like that?”

  “In a heartbeat. Listen girl, something’s fishy. I’m not there and all of a sudden you have this tour with Coleman. Remember when you guys broke up and Ian made sure you were moved out as soon as possible. There were pictures of Coleman coming home with flowers, only to find a moving truck there. Staged, totally.”

  “I don’t know. Ian says there have been a lot of rumors about me that he makes sure never end up in the paper. He’s making it sound like every time I take a misstep the media is making me out to be some type of drug user or something.”

  “That’s such bullshit. You’ve never done anything stronger than aspirin.”

  “I know that and so do you, but what about everyone else? Is that what people think of me?”

  “Let me ask you something. Why are you doing this tour? Is it for your image or to keep your secret about Ryan?”

  I think about her question for a minute. “A little of both, I guess. I want his mom to like me and I felt like I was walking on eggshells when we met, but also for Ryan. He doesn’t need people digging into his life.”

  “Have you told Ryan about what Ian said?”

  “No.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Girl, I’m going to kick your ass. Tell him! He’ll understand.”

  I sigh.
“You’re right. I’ll tell him.”

  “Of course I’m right. Be honest with Ryan, he deserves it. He didn’t grow up in this messed-up industry and if you have to, fly out to see him.”

  “I will.”

  “Okay, mama’s yelling. I love you, Hadley, and so does Ryan. Let him prove it.”

  Alex and I hang up, leaving me with a lot to think about. I know Ian isn’t perfect, but he’s a good manager and I know the decisions he makes are for my benefit. My parents picked him because he has a good sense of business, dabbled in the music scene when he was younger and because he’s family.

  I look around and notice that the nannies are all gone and the sun is going down. I really need to call a cab. Walking back to Ian’s is out of the question. Hell, at this point I just need someone to drop me off at the airport because I don’t want to be here anymore. That would really send a message to Ian. His checkbook is missing again. The thought makes me laugh. I’d love to disappear and make him suffer for what he’s doing to me. What is he thinking?

  I stand and immediately wish I had done this more slowly. My feet are asleep. The annoying prickly feeling coursing through them makes me want to sit down right away. I don’t. I take tiny steps around, not far enough away from the tree just in case I need the support. Each step is less painful, more annoying than anything.

  I pick up my shoes. Still refusing to put them on, the cool grass sends a slight chill through me. I don’t have an option but to walk through the grass without my shoes. I’d sink with each step I take in these stupid heels. I should stop wearing them. I’m sick of having to put on a show for everyone all the time. What about what I want? Comfort would be nice. I wouldn’t mind not having to wear form-fitting clothes all the time. Maybe then I wouldn’t be afraid to bend over or sit down.

  As soon as I hit the pavement I immediately regret walking this way. Cole is leaning against his car, his arms across his chest and his legs crossed. He looks like he’s posing for the cover of a car magazine. Thing is, if someone took a picture, he’d probably be asked the next day. He has that charisma about him. He can sell you on anything with just his looks. I should know. I paid dearly for it.

  I pause when he steps forward. I’m not prepared to deal with him. The last thing I want is to talk to him, especially out in public. I look around for any photographers, wary of what Alex said to me. What if this is just all a set up by Ian, some ploy to get Ryan and me apart?

  “Looks like you need a ride,” he says with such sincerity that I almost believe he’s an honest person. But then again, I could be over-analyzing everything when it comes to him.

  “I’ll walk.” I set down my heels and step into them, surprised that my feet don’t scream in pure agony. I make a mental note to start carrying around a bag. I’ll make it couture or whatever, but something that I can keep some flip-flops in.

  “You can’t walk back to your hotel.”

  “Yes, I can.” The first few steps are okay, but the hard concrete and each push of my foot into the toes of my shoes is an unwelcome feeling.

  Cole grabs my arm, halting my steps. I pull away, turn and look at him. I hope I’m conveying the right amount of anger. He steps back and holds up his hands.

  “I’m just trying to help.”

  “You’ve done enough.”

  “Babe, come on, we’re going to be working together.” He steps forward. “The long days and nights will be spent with each other. You know how things get on the road. You’ll get lonely. I’ll get lonely. I know how to make you sing.”

  I shake my head. I won’t ever turn to him. I learned my lesson the first time. “Shut up, Cole,” I say as I take a step closer. “I haven’t forgotten what you did. What I said. How I felt. It’s fresh every time I think about my boyfriend and being away from him. I wonder if he would do the same things that you did while I was away.”

  “You never let me explain.”

  I throw my hands up and scoff. “I’m not stupid. I know what sex looks like.”

  I turn and walk away from him. I was wrong. I can’t work with him. I don’t care if it’s what’s best for my career or not. I’ll quit.

  I make it three blocks before I have to pull off my heels. I’m doing more damage by walking in them. I’ll just have to schedule a pedicure tomorrow. I ignore the honking of car horns, knowing better than to turn around. I pull my hair forward, shielding my face from onlookers. The last thing I need is for my picture in the tabloids with some flashy headline about me walking down Sunset with no shoes on.

  Or maybe that is exactly what I need. The perfect headline that will send Ian into a tizzy and he’ll have no other option but to give me what I need. Sounds dirty, but I’m willing to play if it means I can be with Ryan more.

  I round the corner that will lead to my hotel. The home stretch, thank God. I have to stop when a car pulls into a parking garage. The window rolls down, the blue eyes I know so well staring at me before his face shows.

  “Are you following me?”

  He doesn’t answer. He gets out of the car and comes toward me. I could yell and scream. Make a scene that brings out the police, but I’m not given any time. He scoops me up, cradling me like he did so many times when we were together. My arms go around him, hanging on for dear life as he swings us around.

  The bright flash of light blinds me. The distinct sound of clicking fills my ears. I hide my face in his neck, realizing a second too late what I’ve done.

  They’re like vultures, getting closer, blocking Cole’s attempt to get me into the car. He isn’t saying anything, neither of us answering the same question being asked repeatedly. “Are you back together?”

  I scream at the top of my lungs as soon as he shuts my door. I count the seconds until he’s inside. Thirty seconds pass and then a minute. I turn and look. Is he talking to them? Are they blocking his way to the door?

  He finally opens his door. The flashes start again. They are taking photos of me, shoeless and dirty with road grime. I know I said I didn’t care, but that was before. Now I’m screwed.

  “What the hell was that?”

  He shakes his head as he starts his car. He’s careful not to hit any of the paparazzi. If it were me, I’d run them over.

  “That was me saving you. I just thought I had more time.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Ian called. Someone saw you walking down the street without your shoes. They told him you were going in and out of different bars and were staggering.”

  “Bull crap. No one knew I was out here but you. You set this up.”

  He pulls into my hotel and is out of the car before I can protest. My door opens and the valet helps me out. He takes one look at me and smirks. Jerk.

  Cole follows me in, his hand on the small of my back. I want to push him off, but I owe him a thank you for saving me. He follows me into the elevator. I take one side, he on the other. I’m not sure why he’s still here. He could’ve gotten off on the next floor, but he’s still with me.

  The car dings on my floor and he steps behind me. “What are you doing?” I ask without turning around. He pushes me forward when the door slides open, directing me down the hall.

  My mouth drops when he opens my door. He smiles as he holds it open.

  “Ian thinks you’re about to head back east. I’m here to stop you.”

  CHAPTER 25

  Ryan

  I’m avoiding the cafeteria today. It’s not because of the meatloaf or lumpy white pile of gunk that they call potatoes, but because Dylan told me I need to lookup Hadley on the Internet. When I asked her why, she rested her hand on my arm and looked at me like I had just lost my dog.

  I thought maybe the usual suspects would be talking about her in class. I tried to pick up on conversations, but no one was saying anything. I resolve that I need to go to the library and find out why Dylan would tell me to lookup Hadley.

  I sign in at the desk, showing the librarian my student ID and wait for her
to assign me a computer.

  As I pull out the chair and sit down the machine stares at me, mocks me really, because I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t felt the need to search Hadley on the computer before, so why am I here now? I lean my head back and close my eyes. I picture her, in a dress and the cowboy boots she loves so much, leaning up against the oak tree outside of church. I’m standing there with her, my arm above her head. I like that I’m taller than her. I like that she has to look up at me.

  We haven’t spoken in twenty-four hours. I’ve ignored her because I’m angry and jealous. I knew this was going to happen. I knew that someone would come along and show her that I can’t offer her anything. I’m a high school student going nowhere fast. Destined to be a shop foreman like the Stones before me, a family legacy that I have zero desire to be part of. What really sucks is that I’m powerless to stop either from happening.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. I know it’s Hadley. She knows it’s lunchtime. We talk at this time every day so why would today be any different? Because yesterday she told me she’s going on tour with her ex-boyfriend and not just any ex, but one that she lived with. I know in my haste of being pissed off, I brought up sex. I can’t help it. There are things that I want to try with her, but she doesn’t let me. She stops me each time we’re getting somewhere and I have all these…I don’t know, urges, running through me and when I touch her, they increase and make me feel good. She makes me feel good. I just want to be with her.

  I pull out my phone, her gorgeous face smiling at me. I ignore the call. One of these times I’m going to make a mistake by ignoring her. She’ll just text me that we’re done, that I’m childish and immature and not ready to handle an adult relationship. And she’s right. I am.

  My phone vibrates, this time with a text.

  I love you, Ryan. I miss you. Please, we need to talk before it’s too late.

  Too late? What the hell does that mean? I hadn’t realized we were on some type of time limit.

  Too late for what?