Louisa rolled her eyes in spite of herself. She believed in the divine, but she was not an idiot.
Her hands and feet were filthy and the sight thrilled her. For the next few months she would live anew. She loved this land already and had been here but a day. Raising her eyes to the sky she took a deep breath and felt at peace. Louisa thought of her mother and mused that she was looking at the same sea that her mother would have witnessed. She was walking the same earth and breathing the same air. The idea made her a little sad and yet brought her some sense of comfort. Mary De vale was a force, Louisa remembered that much. She would have given as much strength to this wild place as it would have given her. Louisa smiled at the memory of her mother’s blond, fair face. She saw it smiling at her, proud and encouraging. The wind loud in her ears, she did not hear the approach of someone behind her.
William
His breath caught in his throat when he saw her. He had heard of ghosts on Mull, wandering the moors mourning lost loves and lives cuts short. She looked like a spectre there looking out over the sea, half here on earth and half in a world beyond.
William swallowed hard. She was also incredibly close to the cliff! What on earth was she thinking? He ran to her and without a thought for propriety, called out her name.
“Louisa! Louisa! Come away from there!” He waved his arms wildly at her.
Her mien was so casual, as if she was doing nothing wrong at all. “I am quite alright, as you see. I was just enjoying the view. Have you seen it?”
William was grateful that she not did mention his thoughtless use of her Christian name, but what was she doing? “Miss De vale, your father is worried. Janey told him you climbed the hill to come up here. You could have fallen! And standing so close to the cliff’s edge? What were you thinking of? It is not safe,” he scolded and grabbed her by the wrist to take her back with him. Louisa pulled her arm back and took a deep breath, as if to calm herself.
“Mr. Mara, I thank you for your concern, but as you see I am fine. And there is no need to drag me away as if I am a child,” she said kindly, yet firmly.
William’s hand still took the shape of having her arm in its grasp. He flexed it to remove the feeling. “I apologize Miss De vale, but seeing you so close to the edge was…was…well, it was very unpleasant. The winds of Tobermory are so strong and you are so…what I mean to say is you need to be careful,” he lowered his eyes to his shuffling feet as he spoke.
He had been terrified to see her putting herself in that kind of danger. Why did she do it? Did she not realize the risk she was taking? What would her father do without her? One day, he thought to himself, her over-confidence would be her undoing.
Granted, William knew very few ladies of the ton, but those he was familiar with would never dare scale a hill! At this thought William looked down at Louisa’s hands; they were covered in mud. What lady would dirty herself so? Come to think of it, what sort of lady would venture off to Scotland without any reassurance of her comfort? She had not even brought a lady’s maid. Her defiance made him want to laugh at her, reprimand her and kiss her soundly all at once.
Louisa De vale was indeed singular.
“I will be more careful, Mr. Mara for the sake of my father. I promise you,” she said.
He took a step towards her. “Yes of course, for your father’s sake. Shall we?”
Louisa took the offer of his arm and they slowly climbed back down the hill using the odd jutted rock as steps. Tentatively taking a step onto a slick stone she quickly lost her balance. William reached for her immediately, but instead of repositioning her at his side he swept her up and over onto his shoulder. Louisa screamed and he merely grunted in reply. “It’s easier this way, madam.”
William felt her concede and relax. He focused on each step as much as he could and pushed away the awareness of her body and how it felt to hold her this way. He would lock that memory for now and come back to it later. Right now, he only wanted her safe, unsullied and in one beautiful piece.
CHAPTER 18
Louisa
The first dinner at their temporary home was a rather informal affair. Although it had not been as informal as Louisa would have liked. She had invited the servants to dine with them - to her father’s shock and momentary discomfort - but Janey and Edward had politely declined. As Louisa sat down to the table across from her father, she noticed that it was set only for two. When Janey brought out the soup, Louisa inquired as to the whereabouts of Mr. Mara. She was informed that he was to take his meal in his room.
“In his room? Whatever for? Is he ill, Janey?” she asked.
“I don’t believe so, mum.”
Louisa saw her father lift his spoon and attempt to eat his soup. “Father!” she admonished. “We have not yet said grace and Mr. Mara has not yet joined us.”
Sir Thomas sheepishly set down his spoon, disappointed.
“Miss Louisa, I do not think Mr. Mara has any intention of joining you for dinner,” said Janey gently.
At this, Sir Thomas once again attempted to eat his soup and once again was halted by his daughter as she levelled a look of warning at him.
“We shall see about that.” Louisa set down her napkin and strode up the stairs with purpose.
William
William Mara looked about his room with a mixture of relief and anxiety. It was a comfortable space indeed. The wood-plank floors were pleasantly worn, well-loved. The ceiling was slanted so that he had to duck his head whenever he moved about the room. The furniture, a bed, writing desk and chair, was simple and functional. These things were all good. The anxiety he felt was that their current situation was born out of a comedy of errors.
Several days previous, when he had been in Manchester, he received word that the so-called ‘inn’ in Tobermory had only two rooms to let and that neither was available. Scrambling, he had written to one of the engineers who was already in Mull to see what could be worked out. Thankfully, a letter reached him in Oban that an abandoned cottage had been let and furnished for them.
This is not how it was supposed to have been. He should be somewhere else, staying with a village family perhaps. He should not be here with the De vales. It was not right.
He heard a knock on the door and called to Janey to enter. The voice on the other side however, was not Janey’s.
“It is Miss De vale, sir. May I speak with you a moment?”
William felt his pulse quicken and his heart beat loud in his ears. What was she doing at his door? He rose from his chair and opened the door, bowed quickly and saw her standing there, arms crossed.
“Well, I can see for myself that you are not ill. So enlighten me, Mr. Mara, why will you not join us for dinner?”
Her daring nearly caused him to fall backward. This was not done. William was not accustomed to having his actions questioned, never mind having unmarried ladies appear at his bedroom door.
“I know not how to respond to that query, madam, except to say that I believe it best to take my meals in my room.”
She would not be deterred. “Why is that?” Her tone was gentle and genuine, as though she really had no inkling as to the wisdom of his choice.
William sighed loudly. “Under normal circumstances, it would be highly unlikely that we would share a meal. I am not even a guest here. I have imposed upon you and your father.”
It was Miss De vale’s turn to sigh. “I will not even dignify that statement with a response. It is my dearest wish for you to join us for dinner, Mr. Mara. Will you honour it?” Her arms were still crossed and now she was tapping her foot, awaiting his answer.
William raked his fingers through his hair in defeat. “I will.”
These two simple words brought a smile to her face. “Good. I shall see you downstairs.”
He shook his head as he followed her. Louisa De vale was accustomed to getting exactly what she wanted.
“Is the food to your liking, Father? I helped Janey with the vegetables myself,” said Louisa with pri
de.
Sir Thomas raised his eyebrows. “You did what?” He shifted his chair to look directly at her. “My dear child, while I expect that you will have to do some things for yourself out here in the wild as we are, there is no call for you to cook and clean like a common servant.” Throwing up his hands he declared, “I still cannot believe I let you talk me into bringing only a maid and a manservant.” His tone was severe but he did not seem to be truly angry.
Miss Louisa reached out to him and squeezed his hand affectionately. “Father, I want to learn. I want to be of use during our stay here at Cliffside. Please allow me this,” she pleaded. Her father looked at her, shook his head and smiled. It was clear she had won.
“Cliffside?” asked William.
“Oh yes! I forgot to tell you both. I have named our humble abode here in Tobermory. Gentlemen, I formally welcome you to ‘Cliffside Cottage,’” she announced beaming and raising her glass.
William smiled widely at her. It was becoming agonizingly difficult to hide his admiration. Her happiness was infectious. He had been so anxious at the prospect of bringing her here. William had no idea what to expect, but felt there was little chance it could live up to Miss Louisa’s standards. To see her now so happy, so at home and even naming this small, dusty place, he was delighted to be wrong.
“Mr. Mara?” she said softly.
William cleared his throat and raised his eyes to hers. For a moment he feared she had read his thoughts. He replied, “At your service, madam.”
“I hope you do not think I am prying sir, but may I inquire after your family? You have not spoken of them before, but I should dearly wish to know about them,” she said gently.
William looked down at his plate, unsure how to respond. He did not want to disappoint her, nor did he want to relay the tale of his poor parents. “I thank you for your interest in my family. Sadly, my parents both passed away when I was but twelve years old and I have no brothers or sisters,” he said hoping to close the subject.
“I am sorry to hear that, lad,” said Sir Thomas quietly.
“As am I,” echoed Miss Louisa.
William thanked them both. His mood turned grave at the mention of his parents. He was now wandering down a dark hall of thought and knew not how to bring himself back to the light.
Sir Thomas clearly felt the tension in the room and attempted to lessen it, “Shall we play cards after dinner? I would like some amusement after such a long journey.”
“I must apologize again, Sir Thomas, for intruding on yourself and your daughter. It was my intention to stay at the inn. I had n-no idea it would be so small…” stammered William.
“Think nothing of it! Louisa and I are more than happy with the arrangements are we not, my dear?” he asked kindly looking to his daughter for confirmation.
But she could not let the matter drop. “Sir, I must say you are a mystery to me. Why you keep insisting on this imaginary barrier between yourself and us I shall never understand!”
“There is nothing imaginary about it, madam!” William was nearing the end of his patience on this subject. How could she not see the disparity between them? He looked to Sir Thomas who seemed uncomfortable with this line of conversation. William schooled himself to calm. “Though I may have some wealth now, it was made in trade. Yes my father was a gentleman but he…In any case, I am not your equal in society, nor do I ever expect to be. You are very kind, Miss De vale, but I cannot accept your notion that we shall ever be peers in that sense,” he said with feeling. His heart was racing.
Her face softened at his declaration. She paused before she answered him. William felt halfway between pulling her to him to quiet her with his mouth and bolting from the room altogether. In the end, he was silent, waiting for her reply.
“I thank you for your honesty, sir,” she said finally. “I am sorry that our situations appear to bring you pain. May I make a suggestion?” He looked up at her. Her eyes were so kind, so full of compassion. William nodded. Louisa continued: “May we play a game while we are here? Might we pretend that we are equals? I should have liked to have had an elder brother. And here you are, three years my senior! What say you? I would like so much to get to know you, sir and I am sure my father feels the same way.”
Sir Thomas readily agreed. “Certainly, lad! I understand why you feel the way you do, but we are in a small island village. I see no harm in leaving certain society rules behind us in London so that we may better enjoy the company we have. Now, what do you say?” he asked, slapping William on the back.
William smiled as he looked from father to daughter. It was becoming impossible to doubt their sincerity. He had not felt a sense of family since the passing of his parents. Here now were two kind people offering him just that. It would be foolish of him to think his feelings for Louisa were akin to that of a sibling, but he knew how hopeless the alternative was.
“You are both too kind. How could I refuse?” He looked at Louisa meaningfully. She was changing him. Whether she knew it or not (though he was fairly certain she did), she was changing him. It was an uncomfortable feeling, though not an entirely bad one.
CHAPTER 19
Declan
Hope is a dangerous word. It’s fully loaded with potential joy and possible heartache. There is risk in hope.
I’ve never had any use for it myself.
I was a moment-to-moment kind of guy, a victim of circumstance. I always let the world tell me who I was and what my struggles were. It was as if I only existed when noticed by someone else. Every person became a mirror in my life to remind me I was still here and that I hadn’t fallen into some black hole of nothingness. So many people I know have been kind too, if not a little preoccupied with their own shit. I’ve been supported, helped and loved.
I should not perhaps, have been depressed but I was. I was. And now it seems…It seems I have hope. Hope born in a beautiful girl with golden hair dressed in oversized knit sweaters and black tights.
It is as if I have wandered the earth feeling like a fragment and have finally found where I fit. She is a thousand-piece puzzle, and I the thousandth piece. I feel like I would follow her anywhere and believe me, I know how that sounds. So many years spent being so vulnerable has helped me to let go of the fear of looking like a wimp. This is how I feel.
And I dreamt of her last night. She looked different, but it was her. She had desire in all her looks, a photo booth reel of attraction and acceptance. She told me that I had been mistaken and there was so much I did not know.
I want so badly for it to be true. I have hope.
I’ve got to go get her. There’s nothing left to do but say I’m sorry and ask for her forgiveness. It is worth the risk I am sure. I can’t have her thinking I’m a jackass. There is a whole new lens with which to see myself through her. I have to wipe it clean.
I splash water on my face and rub my chin. I would rather not shave. A big part of me just wants to meet her as I am, to test the waters in a way that will leave no room for questions.
I’ll just show up and lay it all on the line.
I am a desperate man.
I’m in love.
Ellie
Coming back to my own time and place I can’t help but feel annoyed. If I was ready and willing to wait out this story before, I wasn’t anymore. What if the answer to his depression lay deep in my subconscious? What if looking into the past could help him heal? I get up and start pacing the room.
“What is it, Ellie? You look upset.” Mrs. Dawes watches me with concern.
“I am upset. I’m pissed! I know I said I was happy to wait but things have changed. It’s worse than I thought with Declan. He was in a mental hospital, Mrs. Dawes. Did you know that? A loony bin! What if I send him back there? What if I’m too late with all of this stuff? He…he was catatonic. Can you believe that?”
I collapse back onto the couch and let myself cry finally. I’ve been holding so much in, trying to be strong. In an instant it all comes pouring out of me.
“Why is this happening?”
Mrs. Dawes rises from her chair and sits down beside me. She rubs my back and pulls my hair back from my eyes to rest it behind my shoulder. “It’s ok, Ellie. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. You’ve charged yourself with a huge task.”
“What is that supposed to mean? I didn’t ask for the visions! I didn’t ask for any of this!” I shout.
“I know, love. I know that. But you’re assuming that you are being asked to heal him. It’s clear to me that it is your own heart and mind that needs healing. Declan has his own path. He deserves to walk it the way he is guided to. That is not for you to decide. As you heal, you help him to heal.”
“I’m fine! I know I’m supposed to help him. You don’t see what I see.”
She pauses, holding my eyes with her own. She means business. “Yes I do, child. Believe me.” Her voice is gentle.
I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t have the time to sit here and listen to you be all cryptic. I have to go see him. I have to do…something!” I grab my coat and bag and scramble towards the door. I’m behaving like a petulant child, but I don’t care.
“Ellie, wait! You often describe Louisa as listening to some kind of inner voice. Remember I said that you have it too. We all do. You are just as guided as she was. You and she are the same soul. You can do it too.”
“You forget, Mrs. Dawes that something really awful is going to go down between Louisa and William. I can feel it. I’m pretty sure you can too. Whatever this voice is she listens to, whatever guidance she received, it seems to me she would have been better off tuning it out.” I surprise even myself at how frustrated I am.
“I have to go. I’m sorry,” I say and walk out the door.
Putting my coat on and tightening my scarf, I leave the store with a direction in my mind.
Walking along the harbour I find myself thinking of my father. I never knew him. My mom said he was an older guy in his twenties who came to Tobermory for a week to do some ice fishing. They got drunk, had sex and that was it. She didn’t even get his last name, but told me his first name was Chuckie. I don’t think Chuckie when I think of him though. I think Charles. He sounds like less of a jerk that way.
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