I want to see where he is. I want a glimpse, a sign that he is out there. I know he doesn’t know about me, but does he ever wonder if he has a child somewhere? Would he like me? Would I like him? I never let myself think about these things but now, it seems, the floodgates are open.
And then in a flash I see something…someone.
I see Pelee Island and somehow I know that I am seeing my father where he is or where he will be very soon. The air is mild and comforting as he grasps a mug of coffee. He sighs with resignation and disappointment as he looks at his car: a beaten-up, old Chrysler LeBaron. I can feel him thinking he will have to let it go.
I smile. That was cool.
My father is ok. That, for now, is all I need to know.
The moon is full and I am thankful for it. I use it as my guide. The wind whistles around me so hard I can barely hear, but somehow I manage to notice someone calling my name behind me. It’s Tynan.
“Ell! Hey! Wait up,” he calls.
He’s running toward me. It’s not easy to run in denim. He looks so awkward I actually start to laugh. But by the time he reaches me, I’m in tears again.
“Geez, Ellie what’s going on? I thought you were laughing at me; I was ready to smack you! I won’t smack you now though; I promise. What’s up?” he asks putting his arm around my shoulder.
I sigh and lean into him gratefully. “I don’t have a clue! I’m a mess, but I need to see Declan. I have to talk to him, but I have to calm down. He can’t see me like this.”
He breathes in sharply. “Are you sure you want to be hanging out with that guy?” I shoot him a dirty look and he backs off. “Ok, alright. I’ll walk you there. Can you tell me what’s going on? Did you guys do the deed or something?”
I punch his arm hard and he pretends to be hurt. “Tynan! No, ok. No! We didn’t. It’s much more complicated than that.”
“Ellie, in my experience, there’s not much more complicated than sex…maybe death, but at least that’s final.”
I look away and say, “Yeah, it’s not though. Final, I mean.”
He gives me a questioning look and so I elaborate. “Tynan, I am ninety-nine percent sure that I had some kind of love affair with Declan in a previous life and I think it messed him up pretty bad.” I’ve got his full attention now.
“He was a “rags to riches” businessman and I was the daughter of a baronet. It was the late 18th century and we were in the UK. I’m not exactly sure what happened yet, but I know it can’t be good. And Declan knows about it too except he can’t remember like I can. He’s drawn pictures of me though, and he drew all of them years before he ever met me.” I look up at Tynan and he’s stunned, silent. “I’ve been asking Mrs. Dawes to regress me through hypnosis and that’s how I see all the memories, but I’ve also had dreams.”
Tynan is, for perhaps the third time in his entire life, speechless. He stares at me for a full minute before finally exclaiming, “Holy crap, Ellie! What the hell are you talking about? Does this have to do with those blackout things you have?”
I pause. I hadn’t meant to confide in anyone else in so much detail. “Yes. They are visions…past-life visions. As soon as I met Declan they got stronger, clearer and they were all from the same lifetime.” I tell him. He looks unsure of what to say. My stomach is in knots fearing that he is judging me…that his soul is slowly inching away from mine, reconsidering our friendship. Looking up at Tynan I ask him to say something, anything.
He shakes his head and his eyes are still wide in amazement. “This is kind of mind-blowing, Ell. I don’t know what to say.” I take a deep breath and put my head on his chest. He holds me close and strokes my hair gently. “I believe you. Does that help?” he asks hopefully.
I half-laugh and half-cry at his simplicity. “Yes, it does. Believe it or not that helps a lot.” Squeezing him tighter and tighter, I begin to feel tears in my eyes and I let them come. It’s too late to be embarrassed and much too late to care. Tynan doesn’t say anything. He just keeps stroking my hair and holding me tight. Faintly he says “Shh,” in my ear.
I relax easily into the comfort he provides. Breathing in his citrusy cologne I am grateful for his embrace. I know he has questions, but for now he keeps them to himself. His arms and his silence give me everything I need.
CHAPTER 20
Ellie
Climbing the stairs that will take me to Declan’s room I stop suddenly. Something pushes me back for a second. It’s like a force, some kind of an energetic warning. It’s not alarming, just a gentle heads-up. I reach his door and raise my hand to knock when it opens. There he is right in front of me. We’re both startled, but I’m clearly the one who is nervous.
“Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t know you were going out.” He looks surprised, but not upset to see me and I am relieved. That’s one fear put to rest.
Declan smiles warmly and reaches out a hand to my cheek. “I was just going out to find you,” he says. “Come in.” He steps aside to let me pass. I walk over to the sofa and sit down. There’s something about him, something so calm and composed. It’s as if he’s made a decision.
“So, I’ve been thinking…” he starts. “Wait, no. I should have started with; I’m sorry, Ellie. It was a shitty thing to stand you up last night. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m really sorry,” he says and moves to sit beside me.
He takes my hands in his. “Wow, your hands are freezing. You’re freezing! How long were you outside?” I look up at him, but I can’t bring myself to say a word. “Have you been crying, Ellie? Your eyes are all red and your makeup’s all smudged. What happened?” His voice is like a thick, warm blanket of comfort.
I consider telling him that there’s nothing wrong and that I’m just happy to be here with him, but it seems better to go with the truth. “Your father came to see me,” I tell him quietly.
“Oh.”
“I hope you’re not angry with him. He was genuinely worried about you. He told me about your time…away,” I say looking down at our hands.
“Away. Yeah, that’s one way to put it.” He takes a deep breath. I want to know what he’s thinking.
“Are you mad at him?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not mad. I kind of figured that’s where he went after I told him I wasn’t meeting you.”
He’s drawing circles in the palms of my hand with his thumb. “I’m sorry you had to hear all of that. I was pretty messed up for a while. In a lot of ways I still am, but at least I can tie my own shoes and play guitar again. That’s definitely progress for me,” he says smiling. He gently lifts my chin and looks into my eyes. “Did it change anything for you? Hearing about my past, I mean?”
I shake my head. “What is there to change? We’re friends, right? A friend doesn’t leave because of a shady past. And it wasn’t even that shady. You were sick,” I tell him. My voice is cracking. There’s something so peaceful and gentle about him now, like the anxiety is just melting into nothingness. I wonder if he took his meds.
Declan frowns slightly and I notice a dark look in his eyes that leaves me with a heady feeling. “Friends…” his voice trails off and I swear my heart in is my throat. “Right, well, as I was saying before Ellie, I’ve been thinking. I feel like I haven’t breathed a full breath since I met you and my heart pounds so hard that I can barely hear. You do that to me. I want to see you every moment, but it’s more than that. I want to know you. I want to know you better than anyone else does. Your hands will never be cold again if I can help it. You will never be cold again.”
I’m beginning to feel devoured by his gaze. I have to look away.
He continues, “I remember you said that you didn’t think a guy would move here for you, but I would. I will. If you ask me to, I will.” He’s serious, but he’s also radiant somehow, lit from within.
I have to clear something up before I let things go any further. “Can I ask you something, Declan?” He nods and I still cannot bring myself to look him in the eye. “Are you high
right now?”
“What? No! Shit, Ellie,” he shouts, clearly offended. He releases my hands, turning away.
“Well, I’m sorry but you seem so different. You seem…peaceful,” I say putting my hand on his elbow. I can’t regret asking him. We have known each other for such a short while, I barely know him at all. He feels familiar, but there’s a sense that his mood could change at the drop of a hat. My intuition begs me to be cautious.
He turns to face me. “I’m peaceful, Ellie, because I made a decision to take a chance and it feels good to not be tortured by fear anymore.” I nod, encouraging him to continue.
“When I first met you I recognized you. That’s what I thought at least. Now I know it was more than that. This may sound silly, but it wasn’t ‘me’ that knew you. It was my soul, something bigger than me and it wants you. It has to have you.” He runs his hand through his hair and exhales loudly, forcing himself to continue. “And I had a dream last night…and in my dream you wanted me too.”
He blushes. “I know you haven’t said you like me in that way. This is me taking a huge risk; I know that. You don’t have to say anything tonight. I just had to tell you. It was killing me to keep all of this in.” He says the last part quickly as if trying to confess every last thought.
I don’t take time to think. I just step closer to him, reach my hand to his cheek and kiss him.
He sighs and softly pushes me back to look at me. “Is this your answer?” he asks.
“You told me I didn’t have to answer tonight. Not to mention, you never actually asked me a question.” I smile and raise an eyebrow at him.
“Let me ask a question now then: will you stay here with me tonight?”
I move my head slowly up then down. Yes.
It’s all instinct. There was never a plan to fall in love with this man. I’ve spent the past week thinking about him, wanting to help him, trying to see our connection through time. It never occurred to me to just be with him, to just let him hold me.
Declan reaches up to cradle my head in his hands. His gaze is heavy. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I have to hear you say yes. I have to see the shape your mouth takes when you say it.”
“Yes,” I say softly, biting my lip. “Yes, I will stay with you tonight. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
He brings my face to his and kisses me. My mind feels light and I surrender to it. Our kisses begin slow and soft and then become hungry. Declan reaches his hands under my sweater and pulls it up over my head. I shake out my hair and smile at him. I reach for his shirt and begin to unbutton it.
My hands are trembling. It’s been so long since I’ve been with a guy. As if reading my mind, Declan puts his hands on mine and undoes the buttons for me. The look on his face tells me we don’t have to go fast and I am relieved. I can’t remember feeling so safe. Kissing his chest, I breathe deeply and whisper “I think I love you.”
I feel him tense and then relax all at once. He leans down to kiss my temple. “I know that I love you. It’s something I couldn’t help if I tried. You’ve got me.”
He stands and leads me over to the bed. “There’s something so wrong about crowding you on a couch. I want you to be comfortable. Get under the covers. I want to kiss your body while you tell me your story.” His mouth is at my neck.
“My story?”
“Yes, I want to hear whatever you want to tell me. Will you do that for me? We won’t go any further than what you are ready for.” He reaches his hand to the side of my breast and traces a line down to my hip.
My body is willing to fall into this headfirst, the traitor. My thoughts however, are a jumble of confusion and hesitation. Declan is handsome and mysterious, and I feel myself wanting to know more and more with every move he makes. I love him from a place that I don’t yet understand.
Damn. I can’t even enjoy what his mouth is doing to the spot behind my ear. My hands are clutching his waist, distracted, ready to still him.
As much as I would love to think that William and Louisa don’t matter, I know deep down that isn’t true. The closer I get to Declan, the more all that happened back then will come to the surface. There is something there that I don’t want to look at.
A voice whispers: You’re not ready.
I know the voice is right.
“I’m not ready.”
Declan calms and then tilts my chin so that I am looking up at him. “Ok. I understand.” I put my head to his chest and feel tears in my eyes. I am confused and ridiculous. He sweeps my hair out of my eyes. “I’d still like you to sleep next to me, if you’re okay with that. And I still want to hear all about you.”
I sigh with relief and a realization that I barely know myself. “I’ll tell you everything I know.”
CHAPTER 21
Louisa
Autumn in Mull was beautiful even if the wind was not. Trees seemed to bend to near breaking every day, and if things were not tethered to the ground, they were lost to the whims of the breeze. It did not bother Louisa though. She loved the wildness of it. There was no pure beauty in this world, for without fail, some kind of darkness would follow. She knew that for certain.
Louisa considered herself a good and kind person even though her status in society dictated that she had no real need to be. She often thought of the welfare of others first and foremost, though she did have her character defects. She could be impatient, especially when she was sure of the outcome. It was not so much a lack of faith as it was a burning desire to experience the good (or not-so-good) without delay.
Louisa also had a tendency to force her opinion on others. Although she found it difficult to explain to people, she sensed things before they occurred and could often tell how people were feeling without them having to express it. The only problem was other people didn’t always follow the advice she so generously relayed. This frequently frustrated her even though she knew it shouldn’t. As Mother Mary would remind her: I am responsible for myself alone.
The other character flaw she felt she possessed, which had been especially troubling to her lately, was her curiosity with men. She found them fascinating and incredibly pleasing to look at. While she was definite that she would never marry, she was intrigued by the relationship that was expected between a man and a woman in that arrangement. She had heard that these relations were more for the man than the woman, but her cousin Margaret had told her something very different.
Margaret had said that it was actually very pleasant if your husband took his time. She also said that kissing was divine. Louisa recalled Margaret lighting up at the description. Ever since that conversation with her wiser, married cousin, she found it hard to think of other things when in the company of a man she found particularly attractive.
William Mara was such a man.
Every time William spoke, Louisa caught herself staring at his mouth. It held a world of wonders soft and whispered. Thankfully, most of the time she could recall enough of what he said to form a proper response. It seemed unfair that she should have to go through the great trouble of getting married in order to discover the pleasures a man could bring. Then she would chide herself for thinking this way. Louisa was acquainted with more than a few wealthy women who stayed single their entire lives. It was a safe wager she reckoned, that these women never entertained such thoughts.
She wondered what was wrong with her. Why did she have to be so strange?
Her interests and pursuits were mostly related to philosophy and prayer. There had always been little that was of this world that interested her. She loved her father dearly, of course, but until Mr. Mara appeared, she never questioned her ability to move through life with discovering its meaning as her sole objective. He was an anchor to earth when heaven was her goal. It was perplexing. How could she possibly have both?
“Miss De vale?”
Louisa was seated by the fire and had not heard him entering the drawing room. She was startled and hoped he had not noticed the blush that was so plainly now on her cheeks. “
Oh I’m terribly sorry. I’ve interrupted you while deep in thought,” Mr. Mara said kindly.
Taking a deep breath and shaking her head she replied, “It’s a welcome interruption, sir I assure you. My thoughts were doing nothing but troubling me.” Louisa stood to greet him and hoped he did not notice her discomfort at his joining her. Finding her courage as she again sat down, she ventured, “And Mr. Mara, if we are to be treating one another as brother and sister, surely you can begin to use my Christian name?”
William took the armchair across from her and coughed nervously. “I suppose I could do that. Perhaps it is best to keep that between the two of us, however. In front of the servants and your father I will still refer to you as Miss De vale.” He laced his fingers together and leaned forward, awaiting her reply.
“And may I call you William, sir?”
This request appeared to make him uneasy, though Louisa could not think why. It took a moment before he finally replied, “Of course you may.”
She tilted her head to study him. “Have I made you uncomfortable? I realize I often impose my will upon others. This is done frequently by people in my own sphere of acquaintance of course. However it is a trait that I am nevertheless ashamed of. If using each other’s names makes you ill at ease, I am prepared to surrender the idea,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands as she smoothed her skirts.
William observed her strangely, as if he did not understand her. “I promise you Louisa, if I was uncomfortable with anything you suggested, I would tell you straight away. It may not have always been so, but I feel acquainted with you sufficiently for this to be the case now.”
Louisa was relieved. “I thank you, sir. You have eased my mind.”
The silence of words unsaid hung heavy. Louisa began to feel nervous at the strength of feeling between them and decided she must say something. “Tell me about your friends, William. Are most of them married?”
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