Without Fear of Falling

by Danielle Boonstra

  Emboldened by love and by drink, William shakily made his way down the stairs, candle in hand and cursed himself for consuming so much. He checked the hallways to make sure Edward and Janey were in bed. Noticing the fires were out, he concluded they must be. He made his way to the kitchen and stopped in front of her door. Deciding he had come too far to stop now, he opened the door and quietly stepped inside. He raised the candle to eyelevel and saw her sleeping soundly.

  For a moment it was as if the world had come to a standstill. Swallowing deeply, he could only stare at her. Just being in her presence soothed his soul. Her beauty was so much deeper than her pretty features. Louisa had a peace and compassion to her that he found intoxicating. He wanted nothing more than to climb into her bed and wrap her body around his, to fade into her and never look back.

  His breathing became heavy. He was thick with longing. William dared to inch closer. For a moment of insanity he believed he could have her right then and there without waking her. He closed his eyes briefly to imagine it and moaned involuntarily. She stirred.

  “William?” she called.

  In panic, he blew out the candle, but her eyes were accustomed to the dark.

  “William, it is you. Is everything alright?” Though she must have been able to hear him breathing, he made no answer. “William, I know you are there. Will you not come closer? I wanted to speak to you.” Her voice was groggy, yet kind.

  Reluctantly he stepped toward her bed and fumbled for the chair. Sitting down he said: “It is unspeakable that I am here, madam…” He prayed she could not smell the whisky on his breath.

  “William, all is well. I must apologize to you.” He could not have heard her correctly. Why should she apologize?

  “Louisa,” he interrupted. “This will not do. I am the one who has been drinking. I am the one who has raised my voice and I am the one who has invaded a lady’s room so disgracefully in the middle of the night!”

  “I am in love with you, sir,” she said quickly, perhaps afraid he would keep interrupting her. “I have been for quite some time. This is not easy for me to declare since I know you have no intention of marrying and that you prefer solitude, but there is no use in hiding it any longer.”

  William could not credit what he was hearing. How much had he imbibed? “You are joking. I have been so cruel to you! Louisa, no, this cannot be true.” Was she mad? Or was she trying to take revenge on him? No, she was much too kind for such tricks. Too kind…

  “Are you accusing a woman of not knowing her own heart? I love you. You are thoughtful, intelligent and…pleasing to look at. Shall I go on, sir?” she declared with a quiet laugh in her voice.

  He felt tears in his eyes and his throat closing up. He was overcome. Never had he felt so much hope and despair at the same time. She loved him, but he did not deserve her love. Not five minutes earlier he had been fantasizing about taking her body against her will. “You don’t know me Louisa,” he croaked. “I am not a good man. If you knew the nature of the thoughts in my head, you would think me the most despicable scoundrel.”

  “William,” she uttered softly. “I do not know what you think you were going to do to me while I laid here, but I know you well enough to be sure you could never go through with it. And, in any case, how do you know that your advances would not have been welcomed?” He was silent. “What have you to say to that?” She reached for his hand and placed a kiss in his palm. He breathed in sharply at her touch.

  “Louisa, I…I am drunk…”

  “I know,” she continued to kiss his hand and trailed a line to his wrist. “You are also beginning to make me nervous. I have professed my love for you and you have said nothing of your feelings for me.”

  “You want the confessions of a drunken man? You know not what you ask for,” he said quietly reaching for her hand and bringing it to his lips. “I am…taken with you.” The words sounded barely adequate, even to his own ears.

  He attempted to start again, “I…I love you Louisa. It is painful how much I do. You are second to no one in my eyes. Your beauty, your kindness, your wisdom…you are unequalled. I cannot have you and that is unbearable. It makes me want to rise above this world, to take you to some far off star and hide,” he confessed. His heart was heavy. He did not like feeling so vulnerable, but there was nothing to be done for it.

  “You can have me William. You need only ask,” said Louisa. She placed her hands on his arms and gently pulled him toward her. “Will you not come closer? I fear I need your comfort right now.”

  Though it was highly improper, William could not bring himself to refuse her. Louisa shifted herself to allow him room and he lay down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her near. The feeling of her body so close to his made him lightheaded. He found it difficult to focus, but knew he had to tell her his fears. “Louisa, you are out of my reach. We are in two very different spheres. I want nothing more than to…but in any case, my pride and my circumstances make it impossible,” he declared, his voice shaking.

  Her eyes grew soft and her entire being seemed to glow as she declared, “I see the light in you. And I am being taught that I am meant to see the light in everyone. I believe that I do. The difference with you William is that I would spend this life with you. You are not this body, this darkness. You are your light.”

  “I see only dark but with you.”

  She smiled at his severity. “You are being ridiculous, but I have not the strength to argue with you. Knowing that you love me is enough for now.” Reaching for his shirt, she gently pulled it up and out of his breeches and brought her hands underneath it to the bare skin of his back.

  William shivered and sighed. He sought her mouth and kissed her. Louisa yielded to him so easily. It was intoxicating and for a man who had already passed the threshold of reason, it was dangerous. He knew he could not stay another moment without compromising her irreversibly. It was his greatest desire to stay and do exactly that, but he respected her too much. Even in his inebriated state, he could not treat her thus.

  He pulled back. “Louisa, I cannot stay. I shall leave you now,” he said, determined.

  “I do not want you to go,” she said burying her head in his chest. After placing several kisses on the bare part of his neck she finally lay back and released him. “Good night, William.”

  He felt cold suddenly as she pulled away. He wanted to reach out and hug her to him once more, but knew the impossibility of releasing her again if he did. William rose, fumbled for the flint lighter at her bedside and re-lit his candle.

  The neck of her night dress had been pulled down past her shoulder. Forcing himself to look at her eyes he said: “Good night, Louisa. Rest assured, I will dream of you tonight as I have done every night since seeing you in London. Though I have done nothing to deserve it, I am overwhelmed at the idea that you return my regard. I only wish things were different.”

  She studied his face. She appeared to be thinking of something that pleased her. “I love you,” she uttered in a hush.

  “Anam cara.” he whispered.

  And he was gone.

  Louisa

  She found no sleep that night.

  Putting her fingers to her lips, she closed her eyes to recall the moment when they kissed. She thought about how she had wanted more and could not bring herself to feel ashamed of it. Being with William was as natural as sleep, as breath, as heartbeat. It was not something she could repress, nor did she wish to.

  Her mind raced with excitement and possibilities. She would write to the family lawyer in the morning and all would be well. They could be together. She would take care of everything!

  Her inner guide whispered: You need do nothing, but she silenced it.

  This was different, she reasoned. This time she needed to intervene. All would be well.

  CHAPTER 29

  William

  He awoke from a half-hour’s rest with a pounding in his head and a pain in his heart. He could scarcely believe the even
ts of last night. Louisa loved him. She offered herself to him and he refused her. And she so much as asked him to propose to her. He could not credit it. Not only that, he could not agree to it. He had not yet been introduced into society and he could not enter through his wife. What a laughing stock he would be! No, if she could wait five years for him, perhaps he would have amassed enough money and clout so that he could enter society through his own merit and connections. He could not take a handout. He would not. Louisa deserved a man of worth.

  Breathing deeply, he forced himself to get out of bed though his entire body ached at the effort. He walked over to the small, dusty looking glass hanging on the wall and studied his reflection. He desperately needed to shave. Rubbing his chin, William’s thoughts drifted back to Louisa’s beauty and the softness of her body. Could he wait five years to hold her like he had? Could he suffer half a decade of not being able to kiss her again? The desire to take her and make her his wife was overwhelming, made his mind run rampant with irrational possibilities.

  He was fooling himself if he thought he could stay here any longer. He needed to get away for a while and think. He would feign a business emergency and return to London for a few weeks. Construction had been going well and he knew Sir Thomas planned to stay for a few more months.

  It was decided. He would go.

  He dressed himself and forced down a gulp of whisky: Hair of the dog.

  He would leave tomorrow. Outside his window he could hear the wind whipping the cottage. A tree branch scratched the pane and reminded him of Mull’s wild weather. It was not good for travel to be sure, but it could not be helped. Perhaps he might take a ship to Harwich. That would keep his mind off of Tobermory, off of her. He needed to think of London. London would bring solace and ideas to solve his dilemma.

  William stepped toward his bedroom door and stopped in an attempt to rein in his thoughts. Resting his forehead on the door he chided himself. There was surely no man who deserved Louisa less than he. Why did she love him? He was the son of a chambermaid, a mere tradesman, and last night he had acted vilely!

  But it was obvious she had sensed his love for her. She knew him so well that he would swear she knew him before they met. When William had first spotted her in the ball room she appeared to look right through him. He was done for right then and there. Her beauty was obvious and her worth only slightly less so.

  William raked his fingers through his hair and stomped his boot in frustration. He hated this confusion. His pride was leading him to London, but his desire for peace was beckoning him to stay. Would her love for him improve her life in any way? William was not convinced. She was so good, so pure and ready to forgive in an instant. If they did marry and she realized her mistake afterward, she would never complain. He could not bear to see her suffer in silence. It would wound him irreparably to suspect she felt indebted to him.

  The more he thought about it the more he was convinced that Louisa’s feelings for him were more likened to a vague inclination than love. She barely knew him after all. While he did not doubt his admiration for her, he also knew that was different. Louisa was perfection. Everyone loved her. William was only too aware of his many faults. Melancholy took hold in his mind once more. It was unfair to take her now and it was unfair to make her wait. The best thing to do was to end this whole mess before it even begun.

  He could feel traitorous tears stinging his eyes and sniffed them back in an effort to regain control. It is for the best, he told himself. She would be happier without him.

  Louisa

  Louisa knelt at her bedside in prayer. William was pulling away. She did not need to see him to know it, she felt it. She knew him better than he knew himself. She felt as though she could recite word for word the tall tale he was spinning in his imagination. Surely he was convincing himself of his unworthiness. He was concocting some kind of escape. She was well aware of his propensity for guilt and misery, but she also caught glimpses of its retreat. William did have moments of hope…of allowing himself the happiness he deserved. She would concentrate on that. She would give that to the wind and pray for its return tenfold. But it could not hurt to help things along a little. Louisa would follow through with her plan. She had to…for William.

  Louisa’s ankle felt sufficiently better and she turned Janey away this morning in favour of dressing herself. She dressed in a plain white day dress and pearls. She styled her hair simply and pinched her cheeks.

  She was ready to face him.

  Was it too much to ask that he hold her? Kiss her? She hoped not. It felt as though they had crossed a bridge of understanding last night. She did not wish to go back. Indeed, she could not. William reaffirmed her faith. And though he mostly identified with darkness, his light was bright. She saw it. She recognized it at once and knew it to be her home.

  A knock came to her door and she hobbled to answer it. William greeted her solemnly on the other side. Her stomach fluttered. Though she knew relatively few men, her intuition told her she observed near-perfection when she looked upon him.

  “Louisa! What are you doing on your feet? Come; let me carry you back to bed.” William swept her up into his arms before she could protest.

  “I believe it is good for me to try and walk a little. I have only gone between my bed, my dressing table and the door, sir!” she laughed. Louisa soaked up the feel of being in his embrace. It was only mere seconds before he placed her on the bed.

  “How are you feeling this morning? You look well,” said William with a kind smile as he settled himself into the chair at her bedside.

  “I am well. I will only get better, you can be sure. Will you not come sit beside me again William? My father has gone to the village and Janey will not disturb us,” she said hopefully. She watched him consider her request and then lean back away from her. Louisa’s heart sank.

  “I see,” she said almost imperceptibly. “May I ask you something, William?” He nodded his assent. Louisa brought his hands to her lap. “Will you ever allow yourself to be happy? Will you ever be able to let go of these insane notions of unworthiness and allow yourself to experience the peace and comfort you so deserve?”

  William looked at her with a strained expression. “Madam, I am afraid I do not have the pleasure of understanding you. Have I given the impression that I am unhappy? And if I have, is there reason to believe that you could be the remedy?” His words held no warmth.

  “Why must you grasp onto so much pain? It only begets more pain,” she said bringing his hands to her lips.

  He removed his hands from hers under the guise of needing to adjust his waistcoat. She had clearly struck a nerve.

  “Louisa, I have business that needs my attention. I will have to leave for London in the coming days.”

  She ignored him. “William, dare I ask you about us? Many women would have hopes for an engagement after what transpired between us yesterday. I fear I know you too well to expect that, but any insight into a future together is welcome, sir,” she said softly trying to catch his eyes.

  “Louisa, you have every right to demand marriage after…”

  “You know I will not,” she interrupted.

  He softened at her declaration and his voice grew tender. “You are too good. I wish you knew what I know.”

  “Interestingly enough Mr. Mara, I wish for the very same thing,” she replied. It seemed impossible to be angry with him. He suffered so, even if it was at his own hand.

  Louisa breathed deeply, parted her lips and willed him to kiss her. He appeared to be watching her, helpless. He leaned in and put his mouth to hers. Her hand went to the back of his head to deepen the kiss leaving her in a fog of desire. William rose from the chair and lay down beside her without their lips parting.

  Louisa shifted slightly to allow him room and then moved her body closer to his. She could feel his force as he put his arms around her. She moaned softly and momentarily brought him back to his senses. He pulled away slightly and apologized. “Forgive me,” he sa
id bowing his head. He attempted to rise from the bed, but was restrained by Louisa.

  “There is nothing to forgive. I want you here with me. Is that so wrong?” Perhaps it was unfair to ask, but she knew he would leave no matter what. Because of that, she felt entitled to confessing her heart’s desires. She felt it imperative that he know exactly how she felt, even if part of him did not believe her.

  “I must go,” he said unfeelingly. Looking up at her face though, he seemed to relent: “Louisa, I admit I am at your mercy. I will not make a speech. You know my heart and I suspect you know my mind, my reasoning…everything. I ask that you trust me. I may be a miserable soul, but I am one who would die to see you so. My love for you outweighs my need for you. I must leave you now.” He stood up from her bed and she let him go.

  She took hold of his hand one last time and kissed his palm softly. “You are a ridiculous creature, William Mara. I will not succumb to the torture you so readily embrace.”

  “I would not have you do it,” he replied, his words heavy with despair.

  “Yes, well I have seen too much to be anchored to such hopelessness. However, when I say I love you, I mean it. In you I see myself, the shadows and the light. There is an undeniable perfection beating strong in your heart. Know that.”

  William bent down and kissed the top of her head. “I make no promises.”

  And he left her.

  Louisa lay back and closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down.

  She pictured Mother Mary in her mind’s eye. She smiled at Louisa and opened her arms wide.

  Just let go, whispered the spectre.

  Louisa took a deep breath, allowed a few tears to be shed and then finally surrendered to sleep.

  CHAPTER 30

  Ellie

  Mrs. Dawes brought Declan out of hypnosis slowly and gently. Listening to him and experiencing William and Louisa from the other side was all-encompassing. I felt drawn in. I could sense William’s pain so vividly. It was like I was remembering it.