“What think you of Scotland, Janey?”
Janey removed the hairpins in her mouth to reply. “I like it well enough, miss. It is perhaps a little gloomier than our beloved England, but it is wild in the most beautiful way. I also adore the sea. Why do you ask?”
Louisa lowered her head and took a deep breath. “I was only wondering. It feels right to stay here. Mull is mysterious and yet I find the unknown strangely comforting. My mother is from this place and I feel closer to her here, at least sometimes I do. I am changed since we have come, more my own self perhaps. I cannot explain it Janey, but I feel I will spend the rest of my life here. Do you suppose Mr. Mara feels the same?”
“It’s best to ask the gentleman himself, miss. I am certain the two of you can work it out.” Janey returned to styling Louisa’s hair. “Do you really see yourself here at a cottage though? You are a lady accustomed to living in a grand home in London. Would it not pain you to give that up?”
Louisa turned. “Why should I have to Janey? Could I not keep the house in London and spend my springs and summers here?”
“Of course, child; I did not mean to imply that you would never go back to London. I suppose I was just surprised that you would want to stay in this cottage. It is very…um…snug,” she replied gently.
Louisa was sad for a moment, finding it difficult to imagine herself happy anywhere but here. Was she failing Mother Mary by feeling this way? Was she wrong to want to stay? “If I am honest Janey, part of me is sensing that big changes are afoot and I want everything to stay the same. I want my father close, William happy and my spirit free. Tobermory has given me all of that and more. London could change everything. I am not certain that I am ready to face that.”
Janey squeezed Louisa’s arms gently. “Tobermory is merely where all of this was shown to you. It has always been so. You are free, my dear. You always were. Everything that you have here you can have anywhere, and that is the truth.”
So now her Mother Mary was speaking through people…perhaps she always had, thought Louisa.
That evening dinner was a light and celebratory affair. Louisa insisted that Janey and Edward dine with them. Sir Thomas carried most of the conversation, relating how he and Louisa’s mother had courted and eventually came to be married. Louisa watched William as he listened to the tale and then saw his attention appear to wander. Something was amiss and she was determined to find out what it was.
Having gained her father’s easy permission to speak to William alone after dessert, Louisa led him into Sir Thomas’s tiny library. There was a wingback and an old wooden stool; William took the latter.
She took his hands in hers. He stroked her palms with his thumbs, but kept his head lowered. “I could not help but notice how troubled you looked during dinner, William. What is it?”
“It is nothing, my love. I am sorry if I have upset you unnecessarily. Truly, I am a very happy man.”
Louisa was dubious, but decided to trust him for the moment. “There is something else I wished to speak to you about. I would like to set a date for our wedding if that suits you. Have you spoken yet to my father about this?”
William raised his head and tensed for a moment. “I have not. What is your feeling on the matter?”
“I was about to ask you the same, but I am willing to speak first. I wish to marry here. The parish will soon be finished and I would dearly love to exchange our vows there. Tobermory is you. This is where I fell in love with you. It would break my heart to leave this place without being able to call myself your wife,” she declared.
She was finding it difficult to make this speech and maintain eye contact with him. She had not realized how nervous she was that he may not feel the same way as she. So when he stood and picked her up in his arms and twirled her about the room, she was nothing short of shocked.
“Louisa! You have no idea how pleased and relieved this makes me. It is exactly what I would wish. I received word today that I have business in Glasgow that must be attended to, but that shan’t take long. We can be married within six weeks if you wish! Would that make you happy, my love?”
Louisa was still trying to recover from his grand and impulsive gesture. She laughed and declared, “Yes indeed! I confess I was afraid you would prefer to return to London. I am most pleased to be wrong again in my assumption.”
Placing her feet back on the floor, William bent to kiss her. “I will make a confession of my own. You were correct when you thought I looked disturbed at dinner earlier. I was.” His face was so close to hers. “It crossed my mind how accustomed you are to grand balls and assemblies. I knew it would be wrong of me to deny you the splendid wedding you deserve.”
William released her and crossed the room to gaze out the window. He squared his shoulders and sighed. “I am aware of the differences in our stations…acutely so. You have been so kind as to try and abate my concerns in this matter, but I fear when we are married it shall all come to a head. You know how the ton will talk. Who am I to them but an imposter? And how shall I bear hearing them speak of you with such venom? It will drive me mad to know people are thinking ill of you.” He pumped his fist as he spoke through gritted teeth. “You may say I am reacting excessively, but that is how I feel. I am a man, Louisa, and when you are my wife, my job is to protect you. How can I do this when I am the subject of your humiliation?”
Louisa walked up behind him and tentatively wrapped her arms around his waist. She wanted to comfort him, but also felt a tinge of guilt at allowing herself to indulge in touching him. She whispered into his back. “You could never humiliate me. I love you. All will be well William, I promise you.”
He turned to look at her questioningly. “You speak as though you have done something…as if you know something. What is it Louisa? What have you done?”
Taken aback by his sudden questions, Louisa quickly lied. “Nothing, William! My goodness, I have done nothing. Is it not enough that I know all will be well? I feel it. Do you not trust my feelings?” It was unfair to hide from him what she had done to secure his introduction into society, but she told herself that she wanted it to be a surprise. Of course the other part of her had been afraid he would flatly refuse to engage in her plan.
She would not dwell on these thoughts however; they would lead her nowhere good.
He pulled her towards him bringing his hands to her waist. “I do trust you my darling. I do. I trust you more than anyone else. I apologize.”
Placing her hands on his chest she said, “I accept your apology, sir.” She looked into his eyes and was taken aback by what she saw there, a combination of fire and guilt. Louisa knew not what to say and so decided to change the subject altogether.
“So when will you venture to Glasgow and how long must I bear your absence?”
His gaze cooled. “I shall leave one week hence and will return in a fortnight or so.” She allowed herself to pout for a moment. “It will go by quickly, Louisa. You will have to have a dress made and you will have many letters to write informing all of your acquaintances. I hope you shall write to me as well. My solicitor will forward all of my correspondence to Glasgow while I am there. I promise I will be no longer than three weeks. It is not easy for me to leave you. You do know that do you not?”
Louisa considered his words. If he took care of this business now, it would mean he would not have to do it after they were married. “I do, sir. And is it too impertinent to ask where you plan to take me on our honeymoon?”
William looked down. Clearly he had not made plans of any kind.
She spoke first, “For my part, I would dearly love to explore more of Scotland. It is in my blood after all. And nothing would please me more, dear William, than to return to Oban and the inn where we had our first real conversation. You were so handsome sitting there in the dining hall. I stood and watched you for a few moments, you know. It was as if I had been granted a glimpse into my future.”
He said nothing and acted quickly. Placing a hand behind h
er head, and another at the small of her back he drew her to him and kissed her thoroughly. It seemed the only response within him. Louisa was startled and yet she felt no fear.
His hands moved to her hips and he shifted her closer. A growl, soft and low escaped his lips. He thrust her against the wall of the tiny room in one fluid movement, their mouths never parting. Louisa’s mind raced as she struggled to keep up with him, trying to anticipate the strength of his feeling.
In surrender, she raised her arms above her head and he took his hand up to pin them in place. Her breathing was strangled and staccato beneath his hunger. Quietly, she called his name.
And as if she had just slapped him, he stopped suddenly. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he withdrew from her.
“I am no gentleman,” he uttered in disgust.
Louisa’s heart still raced and she was already grieving the loss of his body. “Do not torture yourself, my darling. I did not want to stop. Please, look at me.”
He raked his hand through his hair and deigned to meet her eyes.
“Your desire for me frightens me. It frightens me because it mirrors my own. We are the same. If we were alone in this house right now…”
“Cease!” he warned.
“…I would let you take me and I would feel no regrets.”
William flashed a rakish smile, but instead of coming for her once more, he turned to quit the room. “Louisa, I know not what to do with you. But for now, I must seek water…very cold water.”
She laughed as he left and brought her arms about herself and squeezed. She would not regret anything that happened between them. Not ever. Her faith and her safety were woven into something beyond this world and William was a part of that. This, she knew for certain.
CHAPTER 37
Louisa
The weeks of William’s absence were busy and yet lonely. Louisa had found a local woman who could make her wedding gown. Because her taste was simple, it had not been difficult. The material was brought in from Oban and the dressmaker simply fashioned it after one of Louisa’s gowns that she had brought with her from London. Everything was falling into place. The church was finished and the first service would take place this Sunday. William would return the following day.
Louisa sat in her room in quiet contemplation and called on the guidance of Mother Mary. She knew it was silly to feel so gutted by the absence of another person, even if he was her fiancé.
Mother Mary told her to let go. You are loved completely child, you know this. All you need do is remember.
Louisa felt better. It always felt better to quiet her mind. And yet she felt uneasy. A sense of foreboding crept into her mind. There was a knock at the door that stopped the sensation dead in its tracks…for now.
It was Janey. There was a letter from William.
November 8, 1790
My Dearest Louisa,
My journey has been long but thankfully the roads were clear.
I have been in Glasgow but a day and already I feel your absence greatly. It is warmer here than Tobermory and yet somehow it is colder. I miss the sea, the untamed wind and most of all, I miss you.
Glasgow is very modern of course. My room is warm and I am quite comfortable and yet I find myself yearning for my draughty quarters at Cliffside. There I think of you at night and know you are a mere three doors down the hall. Here I think of you and know you are more than 100 miles away. I know not which the greater torture is.
Though business shall fill my days, my mind will always harbour space for you. I carry you with me, your love and your spirit. There is never a time when you are not bound to my being. Somehow this comforts me more than anything. I was content in the knowledge that your presence filled a room, made it better without effort. Now, however, I know you fill the world. You transcend it. Your kindness, intelligence and compassion are of heaven, surely. I know not how it is that you are mine. If it was not such a vain question, I would ask you why you chose me? I suppose the why is immaterial. My only alternative then is undying gratitude.
Tomorrow I will begin to wrap up my dealings here and will be able to think about the wedding, more specifically the wedding date. What think you of December 17th ? I will admit it holds special meaning for me. It was my mother’s birthday. Did I ever tell you her name was Olivia? I suppose I have not.
My shame over the low station my mother held before she married my father is deep. Conflictingly, so is my love for her. She was a remarkable woman who simply did what she had to do to survive. I cannot hate her, though I tried to for years. I blamed her for our poverty. My father did not speak often about his former life, but I gleaned bits and pieces throughout the years. Any intelligence I received only served to further my resentment. I can only look back on my behaviour now with guilt. My mother is never coming back and I know I can never make it up to her. She would forgive me, I think. As I said, she was a lot like you and I know you would forgive.
I hope my letter finds you well, my love. I know I am not as educated as the men that you are used to and that my writing may not be as legible, but I do hope it is clear how dear you are to me. I would and I will do anything for you.
Your face and form stalk me in dreams.
Such is my plight while separated from you.
I love you, Louisa.
Yours in every way,
William Matthew Mara
Louisa hugged the letter to her breast and proceeded to read it eight times over. She read it until she had memorized nearly every word and could hear his voice uttering each syllable.
Knowing there was work to be done; she eventually made her way to the kitchen and began peeling potatoes while Janey did the laundry. Without thought for who was within earshot, she sang aloud.
“I know where I’m going
And I know who’s going with me
I know who I love
And the dear knows who I’ll marry.”
She did not hear her father approach and was startled when he entered and asked, “Wherever did you learn that song, my dear?”
“Hello Father, I did not see you standing there. Is anything amiss?”
“All is well. I was only wondering how you came to know the song you were singing just now,” he asked again.
“Oh! I learned it from a few of the village girls. I overheard them singing it and asked them to teach it to me. It is beautiful is it not?” she exclaimed happily.
Sir Thomas wiped a tear from his eyes and smiled widely at his daughter. “It is indeed, Louisa. Your mother used to sing that song. She sang it most often in the days leading up to our wedding.”
Louisa gasped. “Really father? How wonderful!” She went to him and hugged him tightly. “Perhaps she is singing it right now, right along with me?”
Her father released her and looked at her with complete adoration in his eyes. “Perhaps she is, my darling, perhaps she is.” He wiped his eyes once more and clapped his hands in resolution. “Now, where is Janey? I wish to have a cup of tea!”
Louisa laughed and turned to grab the kettle and take it to the fire. It would be her pleasure to make her father some tea.
At long last Monday had come. Louisa had slept for only an hour and yet she was awake at dawn, fuelled by love. She implored Janey to help her select the perfect dress and to arrange her hair in a new and becoming way. She did not know why she was so nervous. Because of the uncertainty of when he would be crossing the sea, Louisa had no idea when to expect him and therefore resolved to be fully dressed and ready for him at eight in the morning.
At noon the residents of Cliffside cottage were disappointed though unsurprised to see the sky cloud over and rain begin to fall. Louisa tried to occupy herself in the cottage. She reached for a book, a favourite of hers. It was a collection of poems by Thomas Gray. Turning the page she read “Hymn to Adversity” and could hear the last three lines in her head as though William himself was reading them:
Teach me to love and to forgive,
Exac
t my own defects to scan,
What others are, to feel, and know myself a Man.
He was a man beginning to know himself, Louisa was sure of it. And remembering this made her all the more impatient to see him and to feel his arms around her. She strode to the window in frustration, but looking out saw nothing but November rain, heavy and insistent. Where was he? She briefly wondered if the weather would keep William away.
Her thoughts only proved to drive herself mad and so she decided to see if Janey needed any help in the kitchen. Her father had been invited to dine with a family in the village so she could not share her anxiety with him. Before she went to see Janey, she could not resist looking through the large window at the front of the cottage. She was rewarded. There was a figure coming up the path to Cliffside. Having a thought for neither wind nor rain, she raced outside toward him. Finally, he was home!
William
Running through the driving rain, Louisa was a mixture of laughter and tears. She was still wearing her slippers. Their eyes met, but upon seeing William’s face, Louisa’s smile disappeared.
He didn’t care.
Pulling a letter from his coat he screamed, “Louisa! How could you?”
“William, I…”
“Answer me woman! What were you thinking? What made you think it was acceptable to pry into my family affairs?” he shouted with fury.
“William, is it not best we discuss this indoors? I am drenched.” She had to raise her voice to be heard above the pounding of the rain, but she appeared to tremble with fear as she did.
Without waiting for him to answer, Louisa fled to the house with William following close behind her. In his head he counted accusations, readying to be right. Reaching the front door, she entered quickly and flew past a concerned Janey to her bedchamber. He heard her crawl on to the bed, her cries coming in choking heaves.
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