Without Fear of Falling

by Danielle Boonstra

  He planted a hard knock at her door.

  “If you are still angry with me, I shall not grant you entrance,” she shouted.

  William felt a knot of self-righteous indignation deep in his gut. He had not been so angry since the death of his parents. The feeling was overwhelming.

  It seemed she would stow herself away lest she drown in his rage.

  William burst through the door in defiance. He stopped a moment seeing her crying on her bed, but with a grunt he walked toward her. He could not contain his ire any longer.

  “I have had a letter from my paternal grandmother, Lady Mara, Louisa. She writes that she received a letter from you forwarded by your solicitor, Mr. Michaels. She goes on to say that you took it upon yourself to make her aware of my existence, that you acknowledged yourself and your father as close friends of mine and that you would implore her to introduce me into society as a recognized relation. Does this all sound familiar?” He was seething as he stood over her. Louisa would not look up from the bed.

  “She goes on to inform me that she had heard of my existence some years ago after the death of my parents. Apparently she considered finding me at that time, but knew she could not be responsible for my upbringing and was fearful of witnessing the conditions in which I lived. Furthermore, she has heard I have made a living for myself representing the British Fisheries Association, but she again chose not to contact me. Knowing you and Sir Thomas to be a reputable and noble family, she writes that she will agree to meet with me at your father’s home in London, but that she makes no promises of furthering our connection beyond the meeting.” His tone was biting, his breathing ragged.

  “Louisa, I demand that you look at me,” William bellowed. “You are to be my wife. I cannot have such deceit! I will not have it!” He stepped forward and kicked the wooden chair in front of him.

  Her sobs slowed and stretched. She was shivering. He resisted the impulse to warm her body with his own. A moment later her crying stopped, but her face remained turned toward the wall as she lay on her side. She said slowly, “I will not speak to you, sir, nor will I look at you until you cease your tirade. If my father were here he would have you thrown from the house.”

  William took a long, deep breath and finally sat on the chair. He felt as though he were ready to burst. How could she not see how wrong she was? His emotions since leaving Glasgow had been tumultuous to say the least. He was angry indeed, but he was also hurt. Why had she done this? Over and over again she had told him that his past and his current situation in life made no difference to her. And yet now, here she was applying to a wealthy grandmother he did not even know to introduce him into society. It seemed to William this was only to make him acceptable to her friends in the ton. She had lied to him. She had made him feel an equal and all the while secretly looked down upon him.

  William cradled his head in his hands and drew a deep, strangled breath. He could hear Louisa shift in the bed and then he felt her reach for him. He pulled away quickly and looked at her face. She looked as though he had slapped her.

  “I, I do not know what to say. You are so cross with me. I was only trying to help you,” she whispered.

  William heard her. “I only want the truth, Louisa.” He bore his eyes into her, to hold her there in place, to answer him.

  “It was all for you. I wrote to Mr. Michaels and asked him to find your grandmother and give her my letter, this is true, my intention in doing so was only to secure your comfort. I did not think you would ever be easy in accepting help from me…in introducing you into society. And yet it was clear you felt it necessary to do so. I suppose I was worried you would wish to wait ten years until you were able to do so of your own accord. The thought of having to wait so long to be with you was unbearable. It also seemed entirely unnecessary to me since you are in fact the son of a gentleman.”

  She searched his face for sympathy. He offered none.

  At length he decided to reply, “You do not understand. I have felt rejected by my father’s family my entire life. This was a confirmation of all I have felt. My grandmother is mildly interested in who I am now because of my connection to you and your father. Do you not see how offensive that is?” He spat the words. “Can you not comprehend how that makes me feel? And more than that Louisa, this whole ordeal has made me feel rejected by you, the one person in my life whom I have ever trusted. I feel betrayed, saddened and unworthy. You have made me feel this way. You who I love beyond all reason; you have brought me to my knees! I know not what to do.” William turned away for fear of seeing something that would break his will and his will was that she should suffer.

  “My intentions mean nothing to you? I wanted only for you to feel as though you belonged. I tried to do that with my words, even with my body and it was all for naught. You refused to believe me. I did not think Mrs. Mara would speak of my letter to you. In truth I asked her not to. I am sorry William. I never meant to harm you. I do see you as my equal. If I had not, would I have agreed to marry you?” She lowered her head and grew grave as she appeared to consider her next words. “If you wish to cancel our engagement, I will understand. I will not force you to stay with me. You are free to go if you wish.”

  William sat still for fear that any movement would lead her to assume what his answer would be. He did want her to feel badly for what she had done. He wanted to feel right while she begged his forgiveness, but it appeared that this was not to happen. She had leapt straight to cutting him loose.

  Louisa sat up and studied him for a moment. “I know what you are thinking and it drives me mad!” She pounded the bed with her fist. “You think I am perfectly well without you. That is true William. I do not need you in my life.” At her words he drew a breath in sharply and turned away. “Listen to me, please! I do not need you, my love, but I want you. You are more than this guilt, suspicion and anger! You are kindness at your core; I know it. I would share this life with you, but I will not ever let you berate me like this again. You have jumped to cruel assumptions. I am sorry that your grandmother is such a small and unfeeling woman, but you choose to be affronted by her!”

  At this William seethed, “I choose no such thing, madam! She hates me and I have done nothing and it is most unfair.” He looked at her, disgusted. “What would you have me do, Louisa? Shall I rejoice at her letter, at the news of her apathy towards me?”

  She softened her tone and said, “Perhaps I should not have gone behind your back to contact your father’s mother, but I confess I felt it the right thing to do at the time. Can you not see that it is possible you were meant to face this? You have been harbouring such resentment. Would you really carry that into our marriage? Would it not be best to heal it, William? Your grandmother can only harm you to the degree that you allow it. I offer you my support, my love and my embrace.” Louisa looked down at her hands as she nervously wrung them together. “Should you find yourself still hating me however, I will release you. You need only say the word.”

  William hung his head and raked his fingers through his hair. “It is all too painful.” His once forceful voice was now hushed and frail.

  She attempted to reach out to him. “My darling…William? Will you not look at me? It pains me to see you so tortured. You will not allow me to comfort you and I understand. If you are determined to push me away, I will not fight you. My love for you will never change. You can come to me in a year; in ten years or in ten lifetimes and I will welcome you. I will still love you as I do now.” She paused a moment. William kept his head down. “It would appear to be the best if we do not marry. Would you agree?”

  He exhaled a stifled cry, but then nodded his head weakly in assent. Everything was happening so fast. For days he had been planning what to say to her and now it was all falling apart.

  He heard Louisa take a deep breath and looked up to see her wipe her eyes and leave the room.

  Where was she going?

  He rose to follow her.

  Coming down the stairs he saw h
er head to the kitchen. As he rounded the corner, he could see she intended to go outside. She was no longer crying. She was calm, eerily so. It was almost as though she was sleepwalking. He wanted to stop her. He opened his mouth to call her name, but no sound escaped his lips.

  Edward and Janey were not about…probably taking cover in their bedchambers.

  William watched as Louisa pulled on Edward’s slicker and her mud boots and opened the door. The wind nearly knocked her over, but she went forth, her hair flailing wildly in the violent breeze. William scrambled to follow her.

  He saw her wrapping her arms tightly about her body. The rain blurred his vision although he was able to spy her climbing the hill to the cliff. William continued to watch her as he walked on, but was slowed by the mud claiming his boots. With every step he took he sunk further. He called her name but she did not turn. She scaled the incline in a few short moments, seemingly without effort.

  “Louisa!” he called again. She was out of sight now. With every last bit of determination, he finally made it to the top of the hill. His heart beat fast. He bent over briefly to catch his breath.

  There she was at the edge. Her form lit by moonlight.

  A great gust of wind roared loudly in his ears and nearly knocked him to the ground as thunder rolled. William blinked and opened his eyes once more to a sight distorted by rain and confusion.

  Her hair swept northward, horizontally. Her arms outstretched.

  She flew.

  And in a flash of bright, white light she was gone.

  Ellie and Louisa

  With eyes closed Mother Mary was heard clear and strong: Be still child. The wind shall carry you and you will not be harmed. All is well.

  A breath and a scream. A strong current of wind. A crash and a flash.

  There was wet, there was darkness, and then there was light.

  CHAPTER 38

  Ellie

  The fire long since burnt out meant the room was cold. I shivered. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the room and I was gradually remembering where my body had been all this time. I looked over at Declan. His eyes appeared heavy and were still closed. He gave the impression of being agitated, making low, frightened noises.

  If he was seeing what I had just seen then his reaction is more than understandable.

  I cannot stop shaking. Somehow I rise to make tea and wait for him to come back in his own time.

  I feel a million emotions at once and I witness myself trying to wade through them all, as if I were still drowning in the sea.

  I try to concentrate on the water tap, the kettle. I am gasping for air. My head aches. My bones are cracking, crushed.

  Just turn on the water, Ellie.

  I left them. What was I doing up there? I had no business being up there.

  The water, Ellie, just turn it on.

  Father, William, Janey, Edward…I left them. I did not listen. Mary said “Let go.” I did not listen.

  Put your hand on the faucet and turn.

  My hands shake as I turn the cold water on. I straddle two worlds, not trusting what I am seeing.

  I had experienced her death and yet there seemed to be nothing final about it. In that last vision, I became her. I felt her faith and yet her hopelessness. I felt her serenity and her sadness.

  How long will I carry the pain of this? When may I lay this burden down? Do you hear me?

  I do. And you can let this go.

  My nose is running and I realize that I have been crying. I wipe my face with the back of my arm.

  I pour the boiled water into a teapot and bring it with two mugs to where Declan is seated. Pouring my own cup, I hear him sigh. He opens his eyes and looks at me with a secret sadness only I am privy to.

  “I drove you to your death,” he says quietly. He takes his mug and warms his hands with it. He stares into the hot liquid as if recalling the drop, as if replaying the sight of a love lost to jagged rocks and saltwater.

  I shake my head slowly. My voice is thick from silent cries. “No, you didn’t. She walked up to the cliff to clear her mind, to just get out. The wind took her.” I think about moving closer to him to give him comfort, but I am too exhausted.

  Declan takes a sharp breath. “I saw you fall. Jesus Christ, Ellie, you look so much like her!” He stands up and starts to pace the room. “I feel like I have carried the guilt of this for two hundred years. Watching you fall off that cliff was like having my guts ripped out of me! I ran to the edge. I don’t know what I was hoping to find. Looking down, I saw you face down in the water, your coat on the rocky shore and that dog…That goddamn dog was there! He got to you before I could.” The tone of his voice is icy. The vision is fresh. “That pissed me off. So you know what I did? I shot him. I went back to the house, grabbed Edward’s rifle, climbed down the side of the cliff and I shot him.”

  My eyes are laden with hurts ready to be let go. I yawn, allowing fatigue to rule despite the drama. Declan looks jarringly different and yet familiar, as if some ghostly aspect of William has invaded him…taken over. Even his voice has changed slightly.

  For a moment, I do not know what to say.

  “I’m sorry you had to relive that.”

  He stops pacing to look me straight in the eye. “I have to make amends to you and I have no clue how to do that. How the hell am I supposed to make up for all I’ve done to you when I can barely think straight most days?”

  Working through my weariness, I go to him. At first he will not let me near, but he relents when he sees the look in my eyes. “Do you love me?” I ask.

  He shakes his head and throws up his hands as if my question was ridiculous. “You know that I do. You are my anam cara. But my mind, Ellie! My fucked-up mind makes me half a man. I can’t expect you to take care of me. I am supposed to take care of you, protect you!”

  I smile at him, not having the strength to fight him. “You do all of that Declan. You do. You are not responsible for Louisa’s death. William wasn’t either.” I stroke his temples and kiss his chin gently.

  He looks down briefly and then catches my eyes. “You say that, but I can feel the guilt in me as if it were a part of me. I can’t just shut my eyes and pretend it isn’t there. The truth is that I’ve felt it all along. Now it has a name and a reason.”

  “But, Declan, you were there; you saw how guilty William was his entire life. Louisa’s death just added fuel to the fire. It’s as if our lives are a product of all the guilt we’ve carried and we just keep playing it out in different bodies with different problems.” Now this did not even feel like me speaking. Ellie was half-asleep. Something else had taken over.

  Declan looks at me, confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I did things. I was cruel to you in that lifetime and in this one. There were hurtful things that occurred. That is why I feel guilty.”

  I sigh. All I could do was assure him that I did not resent him in any way, not as Louisa and not as Ellie. “It’s all forgiven, Declan.” I hug him close and wish I could fall asleep on his chest, but I want my own bed. I make small circles on his back with my fingertips and ask him to take me home.

  He agrees. The door is thankfully unlocked, another reason I love living in a small town. The house is dark and I wonder where Frances is. I check my phone and notice I have a text from her: Staying at Jack’s tonight.

  Right. I can’t think about this now.

  I feel numb and yet strangely alive. It’s as if I have new eyes with which to look upon the world. I hear Louisa’s voice tell me that an awakening is taking place and that it will be gentle.

  All is well, she says. I feel it is true.

  I take off my coat and Declan takes it from me, hanging it on the coat rack. I had almost forgotten he was here. Walking into the kitchen I go straight to the window to look out onto the bay. The sun has been set for hours now, but there are specks of light littering the harbour.

  It calms me further.

  I focus on one particular light directly in front o
f me and I close my eyes. In my mind’s eye I picture my body dropping away and my luminous, love-filled essence floating into the light…becoming the light. I feel at peace. My being expands and I see only shimmering oneness.

  It’s unclear how much time has passed, but I begin to return to my body again and feel Declan coming up behind me. He sweeps my hair to one side and bends down to softly kiss my neck and nuzzle my ear. Immediately I am back in my mother’s kitchen with him, my senses at attention.

  I am tired no longer.

  He gently grips my rib cage bringing his hands up to my breasts.

  I breathe in.

  The difference in feeling between this world and the one I have just left becoming obvious: one utterly physical, the other transcendent. I decide to let go and give my body to this man who so desperately needs it. I need him too.

  “Where is your room?” he asks, his breath heavy with meaning.

  “Upstairs.”

  My eyes are closed savouring the feel of his hands on me and so I am shocked briefly as Declan pulls away and picks me up in one quick move. Carrying me up the stairs he says not a word. He is silent need.

  Setting me down on my feet he bows his forehead to mine. He is finding it difficult to look me in the eye and I don’t press him. He hugs me closer and kisses my neck, at first softly and then hungrily. He’s craving connection and release. Putting my hands at his waist I arch into him. Leading him to the bed, I lay back and look up at him, biting my lip. He holds my neck gently and pulls my face to his with ease.

  His body speaks desire: pure and simple. I surrender to it. I surrender to him.

  He slowly strips me bare from my waist up. My arms move to cover my chest. He gently removes them, places them intertwined above my head. My eyes close. I remind myself to breathe.

  My black mini-skirt and tights are next. He sweeps a gaze over me. I feel exposed and completely self-conscious until I catch his eye and see the longing there. He removes the last shred of clothing. And it’s just me. Struggling for a full breath. Waiting.