All of Me: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  I smiled through my tears. “They run rampant, don’t they?”

  “Sure do. Whole world is nothing but a bunch of blundering idiots who don’t know their heads from their asses. I’m sure we can find one attorney with their head shoved up there somewhere.”

  Silence filled the room. Our spirits’ quick acknowledgement that this wasn’t a joking matter. Sometimes, the only thing a person could do was laugh their way through it.

  My voice tripped into sorrow. “I think it was me who was the fool.”

  She softly brushed her fingers through the hair at the top of my head. “Shh . . . don’t say that. You think with your heart, not with only two brain cells. Big difference.”

  “But I thought Reed was a good man.”

  Even though I was facing out, I could feel her give a sharp shake of her head. “You married Reed because that’s what his parents pressured you into doing. You went along with it because you thought it was the right thing to do.”

  “And what did you think?” I breathed.

  “I thought you were settling.”

  “I tried to love Reed with all of me. I did. I thought . . . in time . . . together we’d create a home. I thought it’d be a good choice,” I admitted. “You and Grandpa took care of me my whole life. The last thing I wanted to do was burden you with the issues I’d created for myself.”

  Reed and I had been married in a flash, and I’d been pregnant a month later. It wasn’t until I had a ring on my finger that I’d seen the true side of the man he was. Of course, I hadn’t given myself any amount of time to really get to know him before I’d gotten myself into that situation.

  I should have slowed down.

  Listened to the worried wisdom that my gramma had tried to give.

  She nudged me, forcing me to sit up and look at her.

  Through bleary eyes, I gazed at the woman who’d always been my everything.

  My rock.

  My anchor.

  She brushed her knuckles down the side of my face with her weathered hand, which bore spots of age but possessed more love than should be possible.

  “You listen to me, girl, and you listen good. Not for a second were you ever a burden to us. When we lost your mama, we were crushed in a way that I wasn’t sure either me or your grandpa were gonna survive. But she left behind the most precious sort of gift. This tiny baby girl who filled our lives with more love and blessings than either of us could have imagined.”

  In emphasis, her head tipped to the side, gaze penetrating to make sure that I understood. “I’m your family, and you’re mine. There’s no shame in leaning on each other in times of need. You weren’t a burden then, and you aren’t a burden now. Not you or your children.”

  She turned up my chin. “And my time is coming, sweet girl. I’m going to need you to take care of me. That’s what we do. We take care of each other. So, don’t you dare sit there thinking you were trouble then or that you’re trouble now. You’ve always done the best that you could, and you did it with love the whole way. You work harder than anyone I know. You love harder than anyone I know. Put those two things together, and you’re unstoppable.”

  A tear slipped free, and my chest expanded as she continued to speak. “You might have settled then? But you’re not gonna settle now. You fight for it with all that love shining inside of you, and I promise you, it’s all gonna turn out right.”

  “How do you know?” I whispered, searching for that hope when the vacancy cut so deep while my children were away. The terror of what my life would be like without them in it. When everything felt like a losing battle.

  “Because there are some things in the world that are just too right for them to go wrong.”

  I wanted to believe her. But I’d experienced enough horrible things to know life wasn’t that simple.

  She smiled, her blue-gray eyes so full of belief and love. “I got my gift when I needed it most. When I was sure there was no chance of survival. You’ve got one coming, too. I can feel it.”

  “I hope so, Gramma. I hope so.”

  But even I wasn’t fool enough to believe that every gift didn’t come with a cost.

  Sixteen

  Ian

  At just before five p.m., I strode into Lawrence’s office, which was two miles from mine. He was behind his desk, puffing at a cigar and talking on the phone.

  “I need to call you back,” he said, dropping the receiver into the cradle where it sat on his desk.

  “Why don’t you come in?” he offered sarcastically.

  I didn’t pause, didn’t wait, I just moved for his desk. I set my briefcase on top of it, clicked it open, and pulled out the documents. I slammed them down onto the wood. “Three sets. These will be the last.”

  Laughing, he rocked back in his executive leather chair, looking at me like he thought I was cute.

  I had the intense urge to smack the smugness from his face.

  “Oh, Ian, you were always such a defiant boy. I do hope you realize it’s my favorite thing about you. When I found you, you were nothing but an angry, bitter kid with nothing to lose.”

  But that was the problem. He knew that now I stood to lose everything.

  “And you should know that I’m no longer anything like that boy.”

  A dark chuckle, and he rocked forward, stubbing his cigar into an ashtray and slowly shaking his head. “There are some things that can’t be unbred. They just evolve. Become something bigger and badder and darker. You’ve become exactly the type of man I knew you’d be all along. It’s time you stop denying who you are. The man you are.”

  “And what kind of man is that?”

  “Wicked. Corrupt. All the way to the core. Men like us will do whatever is required of us. That’s why you belong with me. The way you always have. I’m not entirely sure why you’ve decided to fight this now.”

  He wasn’t wrong. I was corrupt, all the way to my soul. Still, there was something that stirred in that ugly pit, something rejecting all of this. I pointed at the documents. “Because one day that is going to ruin both of us.”

  A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. “No, Ian, that is where you’re wrong. It isn’t. Because I won’t let it. My connections are greater than you know, and it’s time you stopped questioning my power. It’s time for you to step up. Stand at my side in this business where you belong.”

  He kept spouting that ridiculous shit. Like I was actually going to join him. Set aside my goals for him. He was delusional.

  My jaw clenched, and I jabbed at the stack of papers I’d set on his desk. “I want to know where this money is coming from and where it’s going.”

  What the fuck he was actually involved in. At first, he had me on a bunch of bank accounts. Making transfers for him. I assumed he was moving money around, evading taxes and shit like that, details I didn’t want to know about.

  But, lately, I had felt myself getting dragged into something that went too deep. Dark, dark waters climbing higher and higher until I was swallowed. Sucked to the bottom.

  Lawrence scoffed. “Since when do you think you get to ask the questions?”

  “Since you put me in this position.”

  “You’d do well not to worry about it.”

  I huffed out a biting sound. “Don’t worry about it? That’s your solution?”

  “You don’t actually think your concerns have any bearing on my business, do you?” Arrogance seeped from him. Ancient and thick and callous.

  Rage pulled across my chest, old, old pain mixed up with that emotion Grace had managed to evoke in me. It was something brutal and wild and confusing.

  Maddening.

  I pressed my palms flat on his desk and leaned in his direction. “I think you might be underestimating me. You might think I’m that same kid you pulled out of the gutter and dusted off. But I wasn’t going to become him, whether you came along or not. No one controls me. Not ever. I’ve helped you because you helped me. But be clear, I won’t stand aside and let you des
troy what I’ve built.”

  I pushed off the desk, grabbed my briefcase, and headed for the door.

  When the low threat hit me from behind, I stopped, not looking his way but tucking his words away deep in my chest. Where they could grow and fester, and the hatred I’d started to feel could expand.

  “I could ruin you with the snap of my fingers, boy. Make you disappear with a simple call. Don’t make me go that far. Not when I actually like having you around. I’d hate to lose the asset.”

  Asset.

  Bitter laughter bounced against his walls.

  I’d once looked up to him like he was the father I never had.

  From over my shoulder, I looked back at him. No fear raced my veins. No hesitation. The fucker had no idea the threats I’d endured. The blows and the punches and the pain. “Don’t think I would hesitate to do the same. Come after me, old man, and I promise, you’ll regret it.”

  I walked out without looking back, his door slamming shut behind me and my heart clawing at my chest. I flew past his secretary without a word and stumbled out onto the sidewalk in front of his building.

  Guilt unlike I’d felt in years crawled beneath the surface of my skin.

  Worst part was knowing it was the girl who’d gotten there. Sinking and seeping and making me contemplate things I couldn’t keep.

  Agitation sped, muscles twitching. Anger and hostility seethed through my veins.

  I was so sick of this bullshit.

  Being someone’s puppet.

  I’d promised myself I’d live for myself. Then I’d gone and earned myself another debt.

  Worse than that?

  I couldn’t get Grace off my mind. Couldn’t scrape her from my skin. Couldn’t evict her from the crack she’d found in my mangled heart.

  I was . . . worried. Was that what this bullshit was? I guessed I’d been since that first night I’d seen her. The girl whipped something up inside me that shouldn’t be possible.

  I hated it.

  Hated that she held that power, too.

  I still couldn’t believe she was Reed Dearborne’s ex-wife.

  The news hadn’t reported the separation.

  Shocker.

  A local story like that paid off and swept under the rug because the bastard didn’t want to tarnish his name.

  But there was enough talk around town for us to hear rumblings of it in the office.

  I’d met him twice.

  Let’s just say shady recognized shady.

  And the guy skeeved me out.

  But now? It felt personal. Like I wanted to hunt the fucker down for ever touching her. For hurting her. For claiming her.

  Couldn’t stand the thought of his hands on her. On that sweet skin. Fingers sinking into that soft heart.

  Three kids.

  Three kids.

  Irritation stretched thin, everything feeling so goddamned off-kilter and foreign that it had my mind spinning with all sorts of bullshit I couldn’t entertain.

  Getting soft.

  So goddamned stupid.

  I knew better.

  Still, that feeling was chasing me, thoughts pushing me one direction and then shoving me the other. Wanted to claw my goddamned eyes out, imagining it all, Reed and her family and the girl who I’d first seen sitting at the bar.

  The opposition of the girl who’d been in my bed, blowing my goddamned mind, and the girl who’d been standing in my office with all that cash.

  I couldn’t reconcile the two.

  I lost my jacket and brief case in my car and was driving back through town, unable to go back to my hollow condo.

  Knowing her scent would still be there. Knowing my ears would still be howling with her pleas.

  I needed an outlet.

  A reprieve.

  I hopped out of my car and paid the cover at the seedy club.

  Like I said, shady called to shady.

  And it wasn’t like I was in the mood to hit Monty’s. Mack would show, and there was no way I could explain away the mood I was in.

  Didn’t fucking get it myself.

  I entered the dark club.

  Nothing but sleazy air and flashing lights.

  I moved through the pricks that filled the place, sordid fantasies playing through their minds. I found a secluded spot in the back, in the darkness, and welcomed it, the partner to my heart.

  I sank down into the plush, deep chair. Maroon, crushed velvet.

  Dancers were on the stage, glued to their poles. Lights strobed and music blared.

  My attention was on the stage, eyes roving over the mostly naked bodies, sucking down the feeling that held fast to the atmosphere.

  Greed and lust and desperation.

  It didn’t make me hard. Didn’t turn me on. It just made me remember that I wasn’t the only one who would do what they had to in order to survive. That there was no shame in doing whatever it took to make sure there was food in your stomach and a roof over your head.

  When a cocktail waitress appeared at my side, I ordered a scotch, guzzled it down and asked for another. Told her to keep them coming.

  If I was going to drown in my own self-inflicted depravity, I was going to do it right.

  I drained glass after glass. Until I couldn’t feel my fucking fingers or my toes or that blackened, mangled ball that was supposed to be my heart.

  I didn’t even reject the dancer who came over and asked if I wanted a private dance, let her take my hand and lead me to a back room, let her grind her body all over mine.

  I watched her.

  Detached.

  Numb.

  Verging on something else.

  Like I was hanging on a sharp edge and getting ready to be cut in two.

  Hating every second.

  Wanting more.

  Punishment.

  She leaned in, hands on my shoulders as she ground on my dick, her lips on my ear. “I have somewhere we could go.”

  Revulsion spun, loathing rising to the surface. My hands instantly shot out, and I gripped her by the waist. “No.”

  The word was harsh.

  Hard.

  It only made her try harder. Her pussy barely covered as she rubbed herself all over my two-thousand-dollar suit. “Oh, come on, don’t pretend like you aren’t here for one thing. I see it written all over you. I promise to make it worth it.”

  “No,” I said again.

  “Come on, baby. Let me help you out.” Through my pants, she stroked my limp dick.

  Disgust.

  Rage.

  They spiraled. Twisted and bound.

  My body was barely even reacting while my mind tossed me into the pit of my past.

  Darkness.

  Fear.

  Sickness.

  She grabbed both my hands and pressed them to her breasts.

  Nausea tumbled in my guts and rolled up my throat.

  I pushed her off my lap. Harder than I should have, and she stumbled back onto her five-inch heels while I stood, dug into my wallet, and pulled out a wad of cash.

  I grabbed her hand and stuffed the bills into it, curling her fingers around the wad. “That should be more than enough to cover the dance.”

  She looked at me as if I were crazy.

  Sounded about right.

  I headed for the draped exit, needing to get the hell out of there before I lost my mind. Unable to understand what was happening to me. Why I felt like I was five seconds from coming unhinged.

  I threw aside the heavy fabric, and I flew out, coming to a quick stop when a shadow stepped out in front of me, blocking my path down the narrow hall. “Are you showing disrespect to my girl?”

  The asshole was wiry and thin, trying to play it big, jutting out his chin.

  Begging me to put my fist in it.

  My head cocked, aggression a blister rushing across my skin. “Disrespect your girl?”

  “That’s right. You touched her. That means you’re goin’ to pay. One way or another.”

  “Just drop
it, Cody. He didn’t mean no harm.” I could feel her behind me, cowering, attempting to get her voice to come out strong, but there was no missing the fact it wavered.

  He sneered at her from over my shoulder. “Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Cocoa. Unless you’re opening up for dick, it stays closed. No one gives a shit what you have to say.”

  He turned back to me. “Here’s how it’s gonna be. You’re either gonna take back out that fat wallet of yours and give me the rest of what’s in there, or you take her with you, do what you will, and still give me everything left between the leather. Your choice. Makes no difference to me.”

  Hostile laughter rolled up my throat, coating him in my venom. “I’d think twice before you start throwing ultimatums my way.”

  He tried to get in my face, like his pathetic being held an ounce of intimidation, pushing up onto his toes.

  I was still looking down my nose at him.

  “What, like the fact you’re about to get your ass handed to you out in the alley?” he tossed out.

  Saw another figure step up behind him. Another piece of shit asshole lurking in the shadows.

  Motherfucker.

  My mind spun and my heart thundered, and I could taste the bile on my tongue.

  Hate. Hate. Hate.

  I turned on my heel to get a look at the girl who was fidgeting on this side of the curtain. I was barely able to speak through the clench of my teeth. “You want to come with me? You’re welcome to. But the only reason for it will be to get you away from this prick, and you won’t be coming back. Do you understand what I’m getting at?”

  Caught off guard, I floundered forward a step when I was shoved from behind. Filthy hands on the back of my suit, even filthier breath that hit the stagnant, stale air.

  “The fuck you say? Because I think you were actually implying that you were going to take one of my girls.”

  This prick was right there, at my back, thinking I was nothing but a chump in a suit who wouldn’t retaliate. Thinking I’d whip out my wallet and beg for mercy.

  The last thing he expected when I whirled around was the fist I threw.

  It cracked against his chin.

  His head whipped back and tossed him from his feet. He tumbled to the dirty ground, and I didn’t think twice.