I'm Your Man

by Timothy James Beck

  Frank retrieved Rowdy from Adam’s house and sat across from me, sharing fishing stories with Louis and Hank. Lydia sank to the ground to pet Rowdy. Watching everyone’s parents reminded me that I hadn’t seen mine at the reception. They’d probably left right after the wedding. No doubt my mother had experienced one of her fainting spells.

  When the women returned, they had Faizah and Mr. T in tow. He seemed to be getting a big kick out of Aunt Jen, who was wildly waving her trademark cigarette holder as she told him a story. Gretchen sat down next to Frank, but everyone else stood next to our table as Daniel and Jeremy wheeled up a cart with champagne. Jeremy poured, and Daniel distributed glasses among us. He handed me one with a stern look, which I ignored. I wasn’t going to drink more than the obligatory sip if toasts were made. Which seemed likely, since everyone got quiet as if waiting for someone to say something.

  When Daniel set a glass in front of Gretchen, Aunt Jen said, “Don’t you have anything nonalcoholic, Daniel? She shouldn’t be drinking.”

  Daniel looked at his aunt and said, “Why not? Gretchen loves champagne.”

  “When is your baby due, dear?” Aunt Jen asked Gretchen.

  Even the cleanup crew seemed to be locked in silence as Gretchen looked at Jen and said calmly, “December fourteenth.”

  At our table, no one moved except Adam and Jeremy, who swung shocked faces my way. Their movement caught Daniel’s bewildered eye, and he turned to look at me, too.

  “Uh-oh,” Mr. T said. Our group suddenly got smaller as several people followed in his wake when he made a quick exit.

  “You actually took my advice?” I heard Lillith ask. Apparently she was able to count backwards from December faster than anyone else. “I told you March favored your houses of conception.”

  Blythe slid to the ground next to Lydia. Both of them seemed to be trying to make themselves invisible. Gwendy said, “Gretchen, my car is parked on the road. If you need a ride, I can drive you back to the Hampton Inn.”

  “Nobody move,” Daniel said, his gaze still locked with mine. “Blaine?”

  “Yes,” I said, making it a statement, not a question.

  He stared at me a few seconds more, then looked at Gretchen, who resolutely met his eyes. He shook his head, turned around, and walked out of the tent.

  Martin moved as if to follow him, but Jeremy quickly caught his arm and said, “Not this time,” then looked at me and said, “Go. Now.”

  I found Daniel in our bedroom. He was furiously throwing things in his suitcase and ignored me when I walked in.

  “Stop,” I said. “Don’t do this.”

  “I can’t talk to you right now,” Daniel said, retrieving his shaving kit from the bathroom. “I realize that you have the upper hand. You have information. I don’t. You have transportation. I don’t. Since you apparently don’t fucking know me at all, take my advice. Leave me alone. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.”

  “Daniel—”

  “No, Blaine!”

  Louis and Joyce Stephenson came through the open door of our bedroom. Louis made a hand gesture that seemed to be a sympathetic warning, then he picked up Daniel’s suitcase.

  “Come on, honey, our car is here,” Joyce said. Daniel strode out of the bedroom without another word or look for me, and Louis followed him. Joyce paused a moment to softly say, “Don’t force it, Blaine. Give him some time.”

  When I was alone, I sat on the bed and absently twisted the tangled sheets with one hand. It seemed ridiculous that just a few hours before, Daniel and I had made love in this bed, and now he’d left without giving me a chance to say anything.

  “Not pretty, huh?” Gretchen asked from the doorway.

  “Not anything,” I said. “Being Daniel, he wouldn’t discuss it.”

  “Are you surprised?”

  “Only because we came so close to making up,” I said. I shrugged. “At least we had a few good hours.”

  “I don’t know how Daniel’s aunt figured it out,” Gretchen said. “Maybe when I was changing clothes in the trailer, she could tell. I didn’t want Daniel to find out this way. I had it all planned. I was going to talk to you both together and explain everything.”

  “Explain what?”

  “How I meant for the baby to make things better. You and I would have the child we want, but Daniel wouldn’t feel like it was a burden to the two of you or your life together.”

  “Come here, please.” She sat next to me on the bed. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that Daniel couldn’t get a piece of news without overreacting and making it all about him. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to share good news in our own way. But I’m not sorry that everyone knows. I’m definitely not sorry about the baby. This has been the most surreal week. I feel like I finally had the guts to be me. I dealt with Sydney. I didn’t try to smooth things over with my parents today. I let myself be just as annoyed and obnoxious with Martin as I wanted to be. I celebrated a great moment in the lives of two people I love. And I apologized to Daniel about the past and let him know how much I love him.”

  “And you met Mr. T.”

  “Yeah, I was getting to that,” I said and put my arm around her. “The most real moment I had was looking at you today and feeling in my heart that we’ve done this incredible thing. I know any two idiots can make a baby. But in our case, there are millions of idiots who think we shouldn’t. And I don’t care. Protecting C.L. from that kind of crap is my top priority now.”

  “Calling her by her initials won’t make her a boy,” Gretchen said, and her arm slid around my waist. “Thank you for telling me that. Dammit. I’m getting hormonal again.”

  “Do you want me to drive you back to the hotel?”

  “No. I have a ride. If it’s any comfort, Martin left with Adam’s parents. I think most everyone else is gone, too. Are you sure you’re okay? I can stay.”

  “No. I’m fine. How are your ankles, by the way?”

  “Large.”

  I walked her downstairs and smiled at Gwendy, who wrinkled her nose at me, which I figured was her way of saying, You fucked up, but I still think you’re okay.

  It seemed like the house was empty, so I decided to go back to the tent and see if Adam needed any help. But when I walked around back, I found Frank standing alone on the lawn, staring into the darkness toward the trees between Adam’s house and the stream that ran through his property.

  “Hi,” I said. “I figured you were gone.”

  “I thought I’d stick around awhile,” he said.

  “Where’s Rowdy?”

  “When I let him off his lead, he took off for those trees. I think he’s hunting.”

  I laughed and said, “Maybe he’s treed Lola Listeria.”

  “He’s a retriever, not a raccoon hound,” Frank said. We stood for a while in silence, then he cleared his throat. “I’m assuming from what happened earlier that you and Gretchen are with child?”

  “Yes, sir,” I said, a little leery of where this was going. There was no telling what Aunt Jen had said about me after I followed Daniel from the tent.

  “It’s a good thing, being a father,” Frank said. “In spite of my business success, it’s Seth I’m proudest of. You do the best you can, not really knowing what the hell you’re doing, and sometimes it seems like everything turns out okay in spite of you. I’ve known you for what, five years now?”

  “That sounds right.”

  He lit a cigar, and I could tell he was buying time. Finally he said, “You’ve changed a lot over those years. I feel like I helped you grow up. Hell, what I’m trying to say, Blaine, is that you’re like a son to me. I think you’ll be a good father. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you out, just tell me.”

  When I turned to look at him, he hugged me the way I’d always wished my father would. He didn’t pull away until Rowdy loped up and nudged his way between us.

  “Thank you, Frank. You know, if it’s okay with you, I think I’d like to use your place at Lake Geneva
after all. A week to myself sounds good.”

  “You got it,” Frank said. “Stop by the hotel tomorrow, and I’ll give you the key and the directions.”

  After he and Rowdy left, I went upstairs. Like Gretchen, I felt like I was on hormone overload. I undressed, turned off the lights, and crawled into sheets that still smelled like Daniel. I heard Adam and Jeremy when they came upstairs and hesitated outside my door, then walked on to their bedroom.

  I thought about Sheila and Josh and how glad I was that they’d left before the Plumpies hit the fan. I thought about how different my reaction to Daniel was from what I would have expected. A few months before, I’d have vacillated between being furious and devastated. Instead, I felt fatalistic. Either he would learn to live with it, or he wouldn’t. If he wanted to be angry with Gretchen and me, he’d be cheating all of us, but that was his decision to make.

  I didn’t think about work, other than the gratitude I felt toward Frank. Because what I really thought about was fathers and sons. I didn’t know how the hell I would raise a daughter, but I knew how I would not raise a son. I would not be my father.

  Sometime near dawn, I knew what I had to do. I slept a couple of hours, then got up, showered, packed, and slipped out of the house without disturbing Adam or Jeremy, intending to send them an e-mail later to explain things. I drove my rental car to my brother Shane’s house, determined to be there before he and Beverly could start their usual busy, dysfunctional days.

  Beverly gave me a weird look when she opened the door, saying, “What’s wrong? Is your mother sick again?”

  “I don’t know. I want to talk to you and Shane.”

  “His tee time is at—”

  “Now,” I said firmly.

  Her eyes widened, but she left me at the kitchen table to go upstairs and get him. When he came back with her, he looked less than happy to see me. I waited until they both filled their cups and sat down.

  “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have a few things to say. You’ll make your golf date,” I assured my brother. “Beverly, Shane probably told you what I shared with him while our mother was in surgery. I’m gay. I’ve been gay as long as I can remember. Nobody made me that way. I didn’t ask for it. Nobody came to me when I was nine or twelve or fifteen and gave me a choice. I did my best to fight it until I was twenty-five. I tried to do things your way. I got married with the intention of starting a family and living the life our parents wanted me to live. I couldn’t do it, because it was a lie. Maybe other people can live a lie, but I couldn’t. I know the crap you believe, because I heard it all my life. I don’t care. What your Bible, your minister, your friends, or your parents say. It would have been great to have a family who could acknowledge it, let alone accept or embrace it, but it didn’t work out that way for me. I can’t say I don’t care about that, because deep inside, I do. I always will, but that’s just something I have to live with. I can’t change you; you can’t change me.”

  Beverly stood up and walked to the kitchen sink, staring out the window. Shane looked at his coffee cup with a sullen expression and said, “Is that it?”

  “I just want to be clear about this. There was a time, if I had been given a choice, that I would have chosen not to be gay. Not anymore. I’m fine with who I am. But again, I had no choice. That’s it. Have a good day on the links. I’ll see myself out, Beverly.”

  I drove to the Hampton Inn and got the key and directions to the cabin from Frank. Then I wrote a letter and slid it under Gretchen’s door, knowing she would understand my need to be alone. Once I was on the highway, I allowed myself to breathe. I had no idea if what I’d done would ever be of any help to Nick, but hopefully I’d given his parents something to think about against the day he might tell them what I’d never been able to tell mine.

  I stocked up on groceries before finding Frank’s cabin, which I was relieved to discover wasn’t the primitive place I’d expected. It was a comfortable little cottage with every amenity, including a computer with a cable modem. I should have known that a businessman like Frank would never strand himself without access to his company.

  I made myself something to eat, then plugged in my laptop. First I composed an e-mail to Adam, explaining where I was and thanking him and Jeremy for letting me stay there. Then I began dealing with Lillith Allure e-mails as I read them in order. After about forty of them, I got a surprise when I hit “Next” and found one from my nephew.

  Uncle Blaine,

  I heard you talking to my parents this morning. Way to go!

  Love,

  Nick

  I rubbed my eyes, then kept my hands over my face. Had I actually thought that Nick needed me to save him? It was starting to be obvious who was rescuing whom from the lonely silence imposed by the Apple Dunhill Gang, as Jake always called us.

  I sent my nephew a simple reply to thank him and tell him I loved him, then I did the most shocking thing I could think of. I powered off my laptop and returned it to its case.

  Six days. Without e-mails, phone calls, or news. I didn’t want to deal with anything else at the office. No one was indispensable, and I needed a vacation. Frank knew where I was. If there was really such a thing as a crisis that couldn’t be managed without me, he’d know how to reach me. If Gretchen needed me, she’d know to call Frank, because I’d told her in my note that I was using his cabin.

  I didn’t want to read a newspaper, including Lola Listeria’s damage control on why her dire predictions about Sheila’s wedding had not come to pass. I didn’t want to talk to my friends about everything that had happened in Eau Claire, either before or after the wedding. I was going to have six days disconnected from the world if it killed me.

  Not that I wouldn’t work. I thrived on work. But with silence, punctuated by hiking and swimming, I could go back to New York with the full Gods of Mythology campaign mapped out.

  I called the airline and changed my point and time of departure. By flying out of Chicago on Saturday night, I’d be able to walk into a quiet apartment without fanfare, rest and catch up on e-mail on Sunday, and be ready for the corporate world on Monday. Meanwhile, I had six relaxing, Blaine-only days ahead of me.

  CHAPTER 12

  I had a spring in my step as I climbed the five floors to my apartment at one in the morning. Shutting out the world had been the best gift I’d ever given myself, and I couldn’t wait to crawl into my own bed, wake up to Gavin’s breakfast, and find out what the pesky Dexter had been up to in my absence. I managed to get into my apartment without making a sound because I didn’t want to wake Gavin.

  I needn’t have worried. No one noticed me, and I silently shut the door and tried to figure out the meaning of the tableau spread before me. Every light in my apartment was on, the television was blaring, and Dexter was nowhere to be seen. I assumed that was because Rowdy was snoozing as if oblivious to the chaos around him.

  Violet and Gavin were sitting on floor pillows at the coffee table, which was littered with Chinese takeout containers. They were deep in conversation with Frank and Lillith Allure’s attorney, Ryan Sloane. Barbara, Lillith’s assistant, was lightly snoring from the end of the sofa. Lillith herself was ensconced in my armchair, with one of her many advisors at her feet. He was using one corner of the table to cast what I assumed were rune stones. For all I knew, they were I Ching stones, since it was apparently Asian night at Blaine Manor.

  “As long as Secret Splendor isn’t issuing an outright denial, people are going to assume the story is true,” Gavin was saying.

  “Employers aren’t obligated to make public statements about their employees’ private lives,” Ryan said.

  “Including our company,” Frank added. “Even if they eventually print Blaine’s name, it will be up to him how he responds to it.”

  “Peorth,” Rune Reader intoned. “Signifies something unresolved in one’s life.”

  “But whose life?” Lillith asked. “And which lifetime are we reading? I’m so tired.”

&
nbsp; “Daniel’s a celebrity. The show can’t keep dodging the question. Or at least Daniel can’t. It will come up in any interview he does in the future. They’ll keep asking until he either confirms or denies it,” Gavin said.

  “That’s Daniel’s problem,” Violet said. “I’m only worried about Blaine. Please give me his phone number at the cabin. He isn’t answering his cell phone or returning my messages.”

  “None of this has anything to do with Lillith Allure,” Ryan repeated. “So what if Lola names Blaine in a future column? He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.”

  “Backlash,” Gavin said. “Gay people are consumers, too. We boycott companies that piss us off. If everyone issues denials about something that’s obviously true, there could be a boycott of Secret Splendor’s sponsors. And Lillith Allure’s products.”

  “Ice counsels caution. The best action is no action,” Rune Reader chimed in.

  “How many gay men buy Zodiac?” Ryan scoffed.

  “The men’s line,” Lillith moaned. “What if they don’t buy our new men’s products? Assuming Blaine isn’t too distracted to create an ad campaign for them.”

  “I know he’d want to hear it from me first,” Violet insisted. “Instead of seeing it in the paper.”

  “Would anyone like to tell me what’s going on here?” I asked.

  Rowdy sat up with a quiet woof; Barbara continued to doze. Five pairs of stunned eyes turned to look at me as the television reminded us that we had only hours to take advantage of a limited offer, and Rune Reader said, “Eolh reversed. Danger with a negative outcome.”

  “Blaine!” Violet exclaimed. “We were just—”

  “Talking about me? I heard. What’s this about?”

  Since they’d been talking over each other before they knew I was there, I expected them to all speak at once, but I only got stares. And another soft snore from Barbara.