by Emma Slate
“We’ll all be together soon,” he promised. “This is just temporary.”
I sighed and then stepped away to go to Hawk. I put him to my shoulder and began to rub his back, hoping to soothe him enough so Flynn and I could finish our conversation, but Flynn was heading for the door.
“Sasha stays with you,” I said.
“Aye, Barrett. Sasha will stay with me.”
I stood alone gazing out at Dornoch Firth. Dark, ominous clouds were far out on the horizon and the waves crashed against craggy rocks. Rain was imminent, and it was cold enough that it might turn to snow.
Shivering, I hunched lower in my coat. I wasn’t ready to go inside. Because the minute I went inside, I’d have to take Hawk and Ash and leave for New York. And I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Dornoch, the Highlands, my husband. For some reason, it didn’t feel like an “until we meet again” kind of goodbye. It felt permanent.
Just as I was on the brink of exhausted tears, I heard footsteps behind me. I swiped at my cheeks, not wanting anyone to see how much leaving Flynn was killing me.
“Barrett?” I heard Sasha ask. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said through a strained throat. “Why would you think something’s wrong?”
“I can see you shaking. You’re either cold or crying. Maybe both.”
“I’m fine.”
He came up next to me and looked at me closely as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. The bitter wind teased the strands of bright blond hair at his temples. “Campbell said you wanted to speak with me?”
I inhaled a breath and nodded. “I can’t thank you enough. For what you’ve done for me. For Flynn. For Hawk.” I kept my eyes trained on his.
“Ask,” he said softly.
“Will you stay with Flynn and help him with this? There aren’t many people he can trust right now.”
Sasha’s gaze slid from mine as he peered out at the firth. “I can’t, Barrett.”
“Why?”
“Have you forgotten that I’m the head of the Russian mob?” he demanded.
I blinked. “Of course I haven’t forgotten.”
“I’ve been away long enough. I have to get back.”
“Sasha,” I pleaded.
“No, Barrett,” he said harshly. “You do not get to do this. Not again.”
“What am I doing?” I demanded. “Begging you to help my husband? You helped us once already. Why won’t you do it now?”
“I came for you. I helped find Hawk because of you.” He took a step closer to me and before I could stop him, he placed his hands on my cheeks, crowding into my space so that I couldn’t breathe.
“You’re killing me slowly, Barrett. And I don’t have the strength to stop you. So please, don’t ask me for anything more.”
I hated the pain in his eyes; I hated that I put it there. Closing my eyes, I shut it out, so I didn’t have to see it. I nodded.
Sasha held my face for a moment longer and then released me, but I was the one who took a step back.
“We leave for New York in an hour,” I said, my voice clipped.
Chapter 35
“It’s cold in here,” Ash said.
“I can have the temperature adjusted,” I said as I held Hawk and fed him from a bottle.
“Oh, I’m not talking about the temperature of the plane,” Ash said with a wry grin. “I’m talking about your treatment of Sasha.”
The man Ash was discussing currently sat as far away from us as possible in the rear of the private plane. We were only forty-five minutes in to our eight-hour journey and I’d been freezing out Sasha from the moment he told me he wouldn’t stay in Scotland to help Flynn.
Rationally, I didn’t blame him. Emotionally, on the other hand…
“I thought he was going to stay and help Flynn and Duncan,” Ash said. “That’s what Duncan told me.”
“Change of plans,” I said, not wanting to unload everything without even a modicum of privacy.
“How is Flynn taking the change of plans?” Ash asked, lowering her voice. “I can’t imagine he’s happy to have Sasha in the same city as you without him there.”
I unhooked my seatbelt so I could move around in my seat. Hawk finished his bottle, and I put him to my shoulder to burp him.
“What makes you say that?” I asked Ash.
She snorted. “Don’t play dumb. Everyone knows Sasha is head over heels in love with you.”
“Ash,” I warned.
“It’s painfully obvious, you know.”
“Can we please talk about something else? Anything else.”
“Fine. How long do you think it will take for all this to end?”
“Can you ask questions I have the answers to?” I grumbled.
“Tell me not to worry,” she demanded. “Tell me I have nothing to worry about. Duncan survived a bullet to the chest. This next part of the plan will be a breeze. Right?”
Instead of replying, I looked away from her and glanced out the window. We soared through white puffy clouds. How did I tell my best friend that I was a ‘glass is half empty’ person these days?
“Yeah, I was afraid of that,” Ash said with a sigh. “I can see it all over your face. Do you have any idea what we’re supposed to do while we wait around for all this to pan out?”
“Stay busy,” I said.
“Obviously. Any ideas?” she pressed.
I sighed. “Can we just touch down and get situated first?”
Ash rolled her eyes and reached for her bag. “Fine. You relax, take care of your son. I’ll make a list.”
Relax on an airplane? The last time I’d been on this airplane, we’d had to make an emergency landing due to weather. I remembered how Flynn had taken my hands and made me look at him. A lump of emotion settled in my throat. I hated that we were separated, and that I couldn’t be there for him. But it was only for a finite amount of time. I just wished I knew for how long.
It was around 10 PM when I finally got Hawk to the private penthouse suite in The Rex Hotel. Flynn had already called ahead and there was a bassinet and changing table in the bedroom.
Everything looked exactly the same. It was familiar and comforting—it had a special place in my heart. The night Flynn and I had met, he’d brought me here. Though we’d met due to my brother’s callousness and selfishness, Flynn and I both had never imagined what was to occur between us. Kidnapping, the FBI, marriage, babies. We’d lived a lot in our short time together. I just hoped there was more living to do.
I put Hawk down and then closed the bedroom door. My cell phone vibrated. I collapsed onto the couch and put the phone to my ear.
“How are you still awake?” I asked Flynn. It was a little after 3 AM in Scotland. “We didn’t even sleep last night. Or was it this morning? I’m so jet-lagged.”
“Running on scotch fumes,” Flynn said. His raspy voice with his brogue sent tingles down my spine. I was exhausted and sad and yet I wanted him. Desire was a funny thing.
“I’m sitting in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames, and nursing a glass of scotch. If I weren’t so damn exhausted, I’d be furious.”
“I know how that goes,” I agreed. “I’m worried that when I catch up on my sleep, all I’ll feel is anger.”
“I’m going to find the bastard that has caused us all so much heartache and I’m going to kill him with my bare hands.”
“Arlington, too,” I reminded him, though I knew he needed no reminder.
“English weasel. No loyalty to anyone or anything.”
“Easy, love,” I said, wishing I was there next to him to tame the wild beast of his temper.
“You might have to remind me of that in the coming weeks,” he said. “I need a clear head and you have a way of calming me down.”
“This royally sucks,” I said.
“Aye. It does.” He sighed. “We buried Elliot today, and I took Betty back to Barnabas and asked him to take care of her until you get back to Dornoch.”
> I fell silent, hating that I was even going to ask the question. To ask seemed to make it a possibility, it gave doubts a voice. I didn’t need any more doubts.
“Will I come back to Dornoch?” I asked softly.
“Ah, hen,” Flynn began. “I wish I was with you. I’d wrap my arms around you and promise to bring you home. For now, you’ll just have to settle for my promise. You and Hawk will be back in Scotland before you know it. In the mean time, keep busy. If you need anything, talk to Brad.”
“I will.”
“Good night, hen.”
“Good night, love.”
We hung up and then I went to get ready for bed. I was so overtired that I had trouble falling asleep, my mind spinning out of control. Though Hawk was nearby in the bassinet, he was still too far away for my liking. I got up to check on him, watching him sleep. I placed a gentle hand on his belly, the rise and fall of it the best form of comfort. With a deep breath of my own, I climbed back into bed and fell asleep.
Igor Dolinsky trails a finger up and down my bare arm, the white sheet from the king-sized bed pulled up under my breasts to shield my nudity. His bare chest is in my sight as his foot peaks out from tangled blankets.
“Why could you never admit your desire for me when I was alive?” Dolinsky asks.
“Why do I see you in my dreams?” I ask him back.
He smiles, his mouth twisting with humor. “Because I symbolize everything you detest about yourself. Every terrible gruesome thing you’ve ever done is mirrored at you through me. You see me because you’re not sure you want absolution.”
“I still don’t understand why I see you here. Like this.” I gesture to our lack of clothing. I take in his rumpled hair. It looks like my fingers tore through it as I gripped him to me.
“Because only in your dreams can you admit to all the things you’d rather forget. You wanted me—you pretended to want me, in the beginning, but at some point, your wanting me became real.”
“Stop,” I command.
“No,” he says, rolling over and taking me under him. “Admit it, Barrett. You wanted a killer. Desired him, wanted to feel his hands on your skin.” He shifts and presses into me. I can feel his arousal hard against me.
“Admit it,” he repeats. His head descends, brushing his lips against mine. My hand grasps the back of his head to bring him closer. We clash together, angry and violent, two killers, two people who will stop at nothing to have everything we want. We use people and toss them away.
I’m not sure I still know the meaning of love.
A baby cries.
Dolinsky kisses me harder. I bite his lips and draw blood.
“My son needs me,” I pant against him.
“So go to him.” Dolinsky climbs off of me. “But just remember, I’ll be here waiting for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
Chapter 36
“You look like hell,” Lacey said with a smirk as she embraced me.
I laughed. “I know.”
Only a handful people had an access key card to get into the penthouse suite without having to check in with the front desk. The manager of The Rex Burlesque club was one of them. I was glad to see her, but before I could wave her in, she was already at the refrigerator making herself at home.
“And where is your adorable child?” she asked, unscrewing the top of a bottle of sparkling water and taking a sip.
“Napping. Hawk suffers jet lag, just like the rest of us.”
Lacey grinned. “So Flynn’s son isn’t infallible. Interesting.”
I sat on the couch while Lacey took a seat in a chair, crossing her long legs encased in three hundred dollar jeans. She looked sleek and impeccable while I probably looked like a weathered hag.
“So far, Hawk is exactly like his father,” I said. “Stubborn, unyielding, and very vocal when he wants something.”
Lacey’s smile softened. “Should we discuss the elephant in the room?”
“Which elephant? Because there are a few.”
She didn’t find me funny. Not that I blamed her. I was jet-lagged and exhausted on top of that. I doubted I’d ever be rational ever again.
“Hawk’s kidnapping,” she said. “Why didn’t you let me come over there?”
“What could you have done?” I asked her.
“I could’ve been there for you.”
I appreciated her sentiment. I did. But how did I explain it to her? Those weeks of terror, vacillating between hope and despair that I’d ever see my child again. Not to mention the strain it had put on my marriage. And just when Flynn and I were getting back on track, he had to fake his own death in hopes that the traitor might make a play for the leadership of the SINS.
“I needed what I needed,” I said slowly. “And it wasn’t about anyone else.”
“Yeah,” she sighed. “I know it wasn’t about me.”
“Can we please talk about something else?” I begged. “The last thing I want to do is rehash the last month. I think about it enough.”
“That’s fair,” Lacey said.
“Are you still sleeping with Brad?” I asked her.
“Honey, if we’re going to have man talk, I need a martini.”
“Have at it,” I said. “But count me out.”
“Because it’s too early in the day?”
“Because I’m breastfeeding.”
“Oh. Right. Well, I won’t drink alone.”
I picked up the hotel phone and ordered every dessert on the menu. When I hung up, I looked at Lacey. “Will that do?”
“It’s a valid substitute,” Lacey allowed.
“Okay, so save the good stuff for when the dessert gets here. Tell me about the club.”
“Alia is ready to take over as full-time manager,” Lacey said. “And I’m ready to move on and do something else.”
“I know you stayed at The Rex longer than you wanted to,” I said. “I appreciate that and so does Flynn, but it’s time you got what you wanted. Lacey, you’re fired.”
She grinned. “Really? You mean that?”
I smiled back and laughed. “I mean it.”
“Oh, wow.” She leaned back in her chair and shook her head. “I might go on a vacation. A real one that lasts fifteen days and all I do is read trashy books on the beach while some sexy young man brings me piña coladas.”
“That sounds amazing. Flynn still owes me a honeymoon.”
“You’ll have to bring Hawk.”
I nodded. “I plan to. I’m never letting him out of my sight ever again.”
The next few days I spent close to The Rex, catching up on sleep and trying to get my life into some sort of orderly routine. Anger was the emotion I felt foremost. It was at the front of my mind. Every time I looked at Hawk, I was reminded of what I’d already lost, what I could’ve lost, and that Flynn and I weren’t on the same continent.
Rage filled me up, strangled my throat, and made it impossible to focus on anything else. It made me snappish and volatile. I wanted to throw things just to see them break. I wanted to destroy.
“You need an outlet for your anger,” Ash said to me one afternoon when she came over to visit. She was staying at her brother’s apartment. Jack was away on business and Ash had the entire place to herself. Duncan wasn’t happy that she’d chosen to stay outside of The Rex, but Ash now traveled with a bodyguard. And there was only so much Duncan could do with an ocean separating them.
“You should take up running again,” she suggested. “You always liked to run in Central Park.”
“It’s winter,” I reminded her and gestured to the living room window with the drapes pulled back. White flakes lazily floated out of the sky to land on the ground. It wasn’t cold enough to stick, so the roads were clear, but it was just nasty enough that I refused to be out in it.
“Besides,” I went on. “I can’t leave Hawk.”
“You’ve been cooped up here and refuse to leave his side. It’s not healthy. For either of you.”
“I can’t
leave him,” I insisted.
I’d left him once and he’d been taken right out of his crib from our home. I didn’t need a shrink to tell me why I was having issues leaving my son.
“I’ve been wanting to take a self-defense class,” Ash stated, skating past my refusal to part from Hawk.
“Yeah?” I asked, getting up off the couch to put on another pot of water for tea.
“Yeah. I think it would make me feel better,” she said. “I kind of freeze up in situations, and I want to do anything I can to change that.”
I nodded. “That’s a good idea.”
“Will you take the class with me? I was going to hire a private instructor. He could come here. Then you wouldn’t have to leave Hawk.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course,” she said, her face frowning in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I do that for you?”
I shook my head and then shrugged. While we waited for the teakettle to whistle, I sat down on the carpeted floor of the living room. Hawk was on a blanket, flipped onto his back, his eyes slowly scanning the ceiling.
The teakettle began to whistle and Ash hopped up from her chair to tend to our tea bags. After adding a liberal amount of honey to my mug, she set it down on the coffee table for me. It was within my reach, but I left it to cool.
“This city sucks,” Ash said suddenly, gripping her tea mug and settling back down into her chair.
I let out a startled laugh. “It’s New York. The epicenter.”
“Used to be,” Ash began. “You know, when I first moved to Dornoch, I wondered what the hell I was going to do. The town is obnoxiously small and quiet—so quiet I could hear myself think. I didn’t like that.”
I smiled in understanding. “And now?”
“Now, I want to live in no other place. I miss Duncan.”
“I miss Flynn.”
“No, I mean I really miss Duncan,” Ash stated.
I nodded. I knew what she was referring to. “Do you think all Scottish men are as amazing in bed as Flynn and Duncan?”