Forced Out of the Darkness

by Jackson Jr, G. Wayne

  The game of cat and mouse was continuing and Cameron got excited because he liked playing hard to get. He had no intention of meeting this guy but didn’t want to turn him completely off either. He never knew what was up with Monti and he wanted to keep his options open, even though he was prepared to delete his account.

  So let’s meet sometime soon. I can keep a secret and won’t tell your guy nuffin. I probably don’t know him anyway so your secret is safe with me.

  This guy was laying it on thick, but Cameron was not going to bite. He clicked on the account settings icon and his phone started to ring.

  “Hey Cameron. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing Monti.” Cameron replied. “I am about to get up here and get in the shower and get dressed for work.”

  “How long have you been up?”

  “Not too long, why?”

  “When are you just going to be straight up with me?”

  The buzzer that indicated a new email on the site rang.

  “What was that?” Monti asked.

  “My computer making some sounds.” Cameron replied as he turned down the volume on the laptop. He clicked on the email icon to read:

  You just gonna play me like that. Why won’t you be honest? I am talking to you on the phone.

  “You got busted!” Monti said.

  “Busted? I didn’t get busted. Monti, why do you play so many mind games? I logged on to delete my account and I wanted to clear up any outstanding emails.”

  “You are not in an ‘official’ relationship? What does that mean?”

  “Monti, look I was just having a conversation with a complete stranger. I didn’t have any intention of meeting this guy or even continuing the conversation. I was in the process of deleting my account when you called.”

  “You just telling me what you think I want to hear.”

  As Cameron listened to what Monti was rambling on about…it dawned on him.

  “Wait a fucking minute! You are the one that said you deleted your account. Don’t turn this shit on me. You are the sneaky one. You deleted one account and then created a completely new one.”

  Monti heard the irritation in Cameron’s voice. He knew that he had to say something to smooth over the situation. He knew that he was wrong in the situation. “I just wanted to know that you did what you said you had done. That’s all.”

  “I said I would do it. You could have just asked me. Sneaking around and being a detective is a bunch of bullshit. I have to go. I will talk to you later.”

  With that, Cameron logged off the computer and ended the phone call. He was pissed off and didn’t feel like dealing with any passengers today. He looked at the clock to find out that it was 5:36am. He knew that he had to take a long shower to relieve some of this tension. He got up and turned on the shower and disappeared into the steamy hot water. Cameron never knew a person like Monti before. He loved being around him but knew that there was a shroud of secrecy and uncertainty around him. Everything in his head said to leave him alone; however everything in Cameron’s heart said play this out.

  * * * * *

  Monti called Dee because he needed someone to talk to. Of all the people in Monti’s life, he felt that he could be the most honest to Dee. “What’s up, Big Man?” Dee said as he answered Monti’s call.

  “Man, I am ok…I just have a lot of things on my mind. Do you have a minute?”

  “Of course man. What is going on?”

  “It’s about the guy I met a couple months ago.”

  “I did not know that you both were still even talking. You have not mentioned anything about him in a long time. What about him?”

  “This kat got me tripping. I am feeling him and all that but when he goes to work, my mind keeps going. I don’t know what he is doing and it is driving me crazy.”

  “What does he do?”

  “He’s a flight attendant.”

  “You mean…a stewardess?”

  “Yes, but they are called flight attendants now.”

  “Oh well, whatever they are called, you know what they say about them dudes…they fuck all over the world. He ain’t nothing but an international hoe.”

  “Yeah, I heard that before. You just don’t know how this dude is though. He is cool and sexy as hell. He brought the standard of flight attendants up when he got his job. He is a class act.”

  “Sounds to me like you want to be with this dude. You just have to focus on what is in front of you. You always go to the negative and that is going to have you in a bad place all the time. You are going to have to take time to work on yourself before you are going to be able to be good for someone else.”

  Monti began to reflect on what Dee had to say. He knew what he said was the truth and he needed to work on himself; however Monti was in denial. He would not admit that there was something wrong with him. In Monti’s mind, he was the person that people always messed over. He was the one whose father hated him and without the love of a father to a son, the son was left trying to fill that void. Monti equated sex with love. As long as someone gave him attention or affection he was ok. Monti did not like other people to challenge him. He would rather stay in the status quo before he was willing to tackle the demons in his life that he was harboring.

  “Yeah, I hear you.”

  “You hear me? The bigger question is, are you going to act on it?”

  “I’ll do what I have to do.”

  “What have you been up to lately? We need to hang out sometime soon.”

  “I am not doing much. Cameron is supposed to be home today. I have some making up to do.”

  “What do you mean making up?”

  Monti told Dee what happened earlier today. He was honest and sincere in his description of the events that happened; however he was not able to see the err of his ways. Would anyone be able to reach Monti before he self-destructed? Who would be the casualties of his destruction?

  “You are going to have to figure it out or you are going to lose another guy.”

  “Man, I got this…I will be ok. Most guys only want to be taken care of sexually and my skills in bed are on point.”

  “You are going to have to do more than just bring a guy to sexual climax to keep him. Men are no different from women; you have to reach them at more levels than just sex. That is only if you have a quality man. You will always have the ones that just want to hit it and keep it moving.”

  “I am ok…it will be alright. I know what I am doing.”

  “Monti, how is that working for you?”

  Monti was getting upset. He always knew that Dee was able to see through his façade. He would also challenge him, but this is not what he wanted or needed at this time. He wanted to be legitimized in his current state. He never received legitimization from the man who was supposed to empower him to be all that he could be, the one that was to show him how to be a partner, a lover, and a confidant. Monti wanted to stay in his comfort zone, he didn’t want to have his life interrupted.

  “I have to go…I will talk to you soon.” Monti said dismissively.

  “You need to listen to what I said and stop being hard headed. We will talk soon.”

  “Later.”

  Chapter Twenty

  C heck Your Baggage

  Cameron’s flights went well despite him being pissed off at what had happened between him and Monti. Cameron came home and called his best friend.

  “Hey Shaine. How are you?”

  “I am well. What is wrong with you?” Shaine always knew when something was wrong with her best friend.

  “I had an interesting conversation with Monti this morning and he made me very angry.”

  “What was the conversation about?”

  “Deleting our hook-up account. I woke up with the intention of deleting the account but I had some emails when I logged on. I read them and then another email came through from a new account. I responded to the new email and then a small insignificant conversation transpired between this person and me. Then,
my phone rang and when I answered it was Monti. He asked me how I was and how long I had been up. Then, the other person responded when the email came through the alert on the laptop chimed. This other person ended up being Monti, acting like he was trying to catch me doing something. The thing that bothers me is that he had called me and acted like there was nothing going on and then tried to check me.”

  “OMG…are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am serious. No joke.”

  “Are you all in a committed relationship?”

  “No, we have been seeing each other but we have not decided as a couple about being committed to each other. We did have a conversation about where we want the relationship to go though.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I am going to take my time and think about the situation and figure out what I need to do.”

  “You know what I say…take time to talk to God about this situation and let him tell you what you should do. You have to take some time to think about what is going on and to clear your head. You know I love you and all that, but you do make some irrational decisions when you do stuff on impulse.”

  “You know you didn’t even have to go there right? I am going to just take some time during my time off to chill and think about the situation.”

  “Ok, honey. You know I love you and wish you nothing but the best. I’m always here to talk or listen, if you need me.”

  “Thanks, Shaine. I love you too.”

  “Bye.”

  “We will talk soon.”

  Cameron hung up the phone and he turned on the bath water. He put in some lavender scented bath salts and poured himself a glass of Riesling. He lit the candles around the tub and got into the tub to soak his stress away. As he settled into the warm fragrant tub, his phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and declined the call that registered to Monti. The phone rang again and he sent it to voice mail again, this time instead of laying it down he turned it off. He did not want to have any more distractions. He wanted to be alone; he needed to get his thoughts together.

  Cameron had drifted off to sleep as the water soothed his body allowing his mind to relax. Cameron stayed in the tub until the cold water forced his exit. He dried off with his Egyptian cotton towel set and put on his plush terry cloth robe. He walked back into his room and got into his king sized pillow-top bed. He pulled his European-styled down comforter up to his neck.

  As he laid under the comforter in his bed, his mind would not stop figuring and calculating. He reached for the remote for his Bose system and pushed the power button. The lyrics came through saying: its just another lonely love song.

  Cameron laid there listening to the music. He needed to take time out for himself. He didn’t know why but he felt depression coming upon him. He and Monti were not seeing each other exclusively. Monti declared that he was only seeing Cameron. Cameron never verbally committed to a monogamous relationship with Monti. There were some things that Cameron needed to get resolved before he would be able to commit to a monogamous relationship with Monti. Cameron wanted to be in a relationship but he did not have the mental go ahead to enter into one with Monti just yet. Cameron pondered his situation and prayed:

  Father God, I thank you for being who you are. I know I have not lived like I should all the time and I have not done all that I should have but I come to a forgiving God looking for help. Please show me what I must do to get some clarity about this situation. Please show me what I must do to get through this situation. Amen.

  With that prayer, a peace came over Cameron and he went to sleep. Cameron slept through the night. The next morning when Cameron woke up, he remembered that he had turned off his phone the night before. He turned his phone back on and was greeted with 45 voice messages. Cameron dialed into his voice mail to see who called him throughout the night.

  “Hey Cameron, it’s Monti. I wanted to talk to you…” Cameron hit #3 to delete the message.

  “What are you doing?” Delete.

  “Look, I need to talk to…” Delete

  “What’s going on?” Delete

  After going through 44 messages all from Monti, Cameron listened to the last one.

  “Cameron, look, I’m sorry for what I did. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but my insecurities got the best of me. I won’t ever do anything like that to you again. I know you are upset with me, but if you can find it in your heart, please forgive me. Call me when you get this message. I won’t bother you anymore. I do hope you are alright and know that I am thinking about you.”

  Cameron felt the emotions behind the voice message. He even thought he heard some wavering in Monti’s voice, as if he was crying. It was time to have a conversation. Cameron didn’t know if Monti was working today or not but he needed to give him a call. He wanted to speak to Monti face to face. He needed to be able to see his body language as they talked about this situation.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Monti.”

  “Hey, Cam. I am so glad you called. I have been worrying about this and about you. How are you?”

  “I have better days but I am ok. What are you doing today?”

  “Nothing, I called off work because I could not focus on work without knowing the state of where we are.”

  “Want to meet me for breakfast?”

  “Yes, where at?”

  “Meet me at the Coney Island on Telegraph just south of Wick road.”

  “I will be there in about thirty to forty-five minutes.”

  “Alright, see you there.”

  “Oh and Cam…you just made my day.”

  “Is that so…I would not say that until after breakfast.” Cameron said dryly.

  Cameron got up and took a shower. He was feeling relaxed and composed. He wanted to look like he was prepared for business. He brushed his pearly whites and ran the electric shaver over his baldhead and went to his walk-in closet. He pulled out his favorite pair of Nautica jeans and put on his grey Nautica limited edition t-shirt. He threw on his 2004 Detroit Pistons Championship hat and a pair of brown and black boots. He put on his signature fragrance Marc Jacobs Men. He loved the woody and aromatic tones of this fragrance. He felt confident when he was put together 100 percent and today he needed confidence.

  Cameron looked at his watch and saw he had about twenty minutes before Monti should arrive. He knew Monti would probably break speeding laws to get to him. Cameron decided to stop off at the store and pick up some flavored coffee creamer. He liked coffee but needed his flavored creamer to fully enjoy it. Cameron got the creamer and made it to the restaurant before Monti got there.

  Cameron was sitting in a booth when he saw Monti’s Jeep pull up in the parking lot. He watched as Monti got out the Jeep and walk to the other side. “What is he doing?” Cameron thought. When Monti emerged from the other side of the Jeep, Cameron knew what he was doing. Monti entered into the restaurant and found Cameron. He looked like he had not slept all night. Cameron could see the weariness in his eyes and the redness from not sleeping, but when he looked at Cameron, his eyes lit up and he seemed to get a spark back in his eye. Monti handed Cameron a dozen long stem red roses and a box of Godiva chocolate covered caramels.

  Cameron felt warm on the inside and he thanked Monti. This was something that was out of the normal for Monti. Monti was still a closeted man. He did not do public displays of affection. When he went on his late night hook-ups, they were done in the darkness of night or in the dimly lit dark rooms of the adult bookstores. Cameron knew that this was a different side of Monti. How long would Monti be able to keep this going?

  “I am really glad to see you. You smell delicious enough to eat.”

  “Thank you for the compliment. I am glad to see you as well, I had to take some time to think about what this is and where this is going and if I can deal with the secretive and sneaky ways you have.”

  Monti sat down across from Cameron.

  “Cameron, like I said baby, I am so sorry. I am still getting t
o know you and I really have to just put my issues on the back burner and just take this a day at a time. I really want you in my life and I just can’t lose you right now.”

  “Wow.” Cameron thought. “Had he heard right? Did Monti just call him Baby?”

  “I know that there will be times when I have to step back and check myself.” Monti continued. “I am willing to do that and try to make you the happiest man in the Detroit area. I am so much better with you than the days that I did not have you in my life. Cameron, I just want you to forgive me and let’s get back on the same sheet of music and do what it takes to make this work.” Monti said as a tear came to Monti’s eyes.

  “Is there something I can get yous both to drink? I see you have coffee creamer so would you be having coffee?” the server asked. The server had a Midwest twain in her speech.

  “Yes, that will be fine.” Cameron said.

  “Same for me too.” Monti added.

  “No, problem. I’ll be right back.” The server responded as she smiled.

  “Alright, where were we? Oh yes, Monti, before we do all that, thank you for your candid acknowledgement of the situation. But Monti, that is the problem. You keep putting the things that you need to address on the back burner to try to work on keeping a relationship. You can’t be good for you, if you keep ignoring the rest of the problems. You can’t be good for me by ignoring them either.”

  “You have a good point. I have to agree with you on that point.”

  “I have never given you reason not to believe me. I have been honest with you where I stand in this situation and in my level of commitment. I want a partner in life because there is so much going on out there. I want to be in love. I just want….no…need to know what you are going to do to not have a repeat of yesterday.”

  “I am going to work on my insecurities and make sure that we talk about things. I do not want to have these nightmares about you cheating on me. When we are together, I am the happiest. I am secure and strong when we are together. When we are apart I am not the same. I recognize that I need you in my life. I just hope that you see that and that you need or want me in yours. You have the world going for you and you have the world at your fingertips, I am just a guy from a small town outside of Detroit who wants more in life than what I have now and I am willing to work for it. Can you allow me to earn your forgiveness and your trust?”