Words I Couldn't Say (Promise in Prose #1)

by Tessa Teevan

  Funny enough, too, because I couldn’t remember the last time Tawni so much as looked at a guy. I supposed it was the psychology major in her.

  She sighed. “I’m just so sick of the double standard. What they can do, we can do. I am woman. Stick a condom on. Fuck me senseless. Hear me roar! Then please, for the love of all that is holy, get out and let me sleep. Alone.”

  The sound of a chair scraping across the floor caught my attention. My head swiveled around to see the eyebrows wagging of one of the men at the table next to us while he elbowed his buddy and snickered. If the way they’d scooted closer to us was any indication, they were utterly interested in our conversation. Thanks, Tawni.

  I giggled, throwing my napkin at her. “If you plan on roaring, please go to his place,” I requested.

  She sobered then tossed a glare to the men who were eyeing her. “Not gonna happen,” she shot at them, which caused them both to quickly turn their attention back to the baseball game. “Look, Ava, I’m not saying go sleep with a bunch of randoms every night. Just that a woman shouldn’t deny herself because of an antiquated societal belief that a lady who enjoys pleasures is a whore. We’re in our early twenties. We have no plans on settling down any time soon. We’re single, so who the hell cares if we have a bit of fun along the way as long as we’re safe about it?”

  “And what about when we do settle down? Do you know how many girls I know who’ve lied to their significant others about how many sexual partners they had? Not because they were ashamed, but because men sometimes have fragile egos and are hypocrites? What happens then?”

  “I want to settle down eventually. I want a husband and a family one day, but not now. And, when I do, I’ll be completely honest about my sexual past. If a man can’t handle it, then that man isn’t man enough for me.”

  I raised my beer and tilted it in her direction. My girl had a point. Not that I’d be taking her up on her advice and she knew it, but still. I liked her soapbox.

  “I agree. Sex doesn’t have to be about love,” I said. “It can be about pleasure and a good time. But my reality is I love Tucker, and the idea of another man touching me is… I just can’t do it.”

  “And that makes sense to me. I’ve never been in love, so I can’t say I get it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t commend you for holding out. It’s just as brave.” She drained her beer then gave me a pointed look. “The only man you’ve ever wanted is thousands of miles away.”

  “Yup.”

  “So, what’re you going to do about it?”

  I took a sip of beer and turned to face her. “I’m going to make a film.” Then I took another sip.

  She waited.

  “I’m going to Cincinnati.” Another sip.

  Still waiting.

  “I’m going to be the perfect Abby. Don’t worry, Tawni. I’ll do you and Mr. Bankman proud.”

  She beamed, not saying a word, waiting while I downed the rest of my beer.

  I placed my hands on the table and sat up straight. “And then I’m going to put on my Trevor pants and I’m going to win back the love of my life. Even if it kills me.”

  As she pressed her hands to her heart, she grimaced, tears welling in her eyes. “Too soon, Ava. Too freaking soon.”

  I laughed. “You read that book months ago!”

  “It doesn’t matter! It still hurts like it happened yesterday.” She wiped the corners of her eyes with a napkin. Then she stretched across the table and took my hand. “He’s not gonna know what hit him.”

  Her vote of confidence did little to bolster my own, but I didn’t care. It was abundantly clear what I had to do.

  I had a movie to make.

  Then I had a heart to unbreak.

  Neither was going to be easy.

  I HAD TO GET OFF the job site.

  I’d already nailed my thumb with a hammer. Nearly taken Tanner’s hand off with a circular saw. And, if I didn’t get my head out of my ass soon, I’d probably put myself out of my misery and tumble off the roof.

  “You look like shit.”

  I heard my brother’s gruff voice before I saw him climb the ladder. Gratefully, I accepted the bottle of water he had held out to me, took a long swig, then released a sigh.

  “Thanks. I can always count on you for a boost in confidence,” I said, running a hand through my damp hair.

  He grinned then took a seat next to me. “Manning Construction,” he replied, waving his arm out towards the trailer that held our family business name. “Who’d have thought it’d be just us?”

  Pain sliced through me at the memory of my dad and the day he’d purchased that trailer. Sure, I’d never had a desire to follow in his footsteps, but I’d still felt a sense of pride when he’d placed an arm around my shoulder and told me that I’d be his legacy. I never thought I’d become just that, but there I was, tool belt and all.

  “You know, I’m old enough to take over, Tucker. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself.”

  “You graduated three months ago. You think you can take over the business now?” I scoffed.

  “You did,” he pointed out. Then he tilted his head, eyeing me strangely. “I know you never wanted this. And I gotta admit I’m surprised you’ve been as successful as you have been.”

  “Dad had everything set up. I just stepped in and kept it going,” I replied, not mentioning all the sleepless nights I’d had when I’d become CEO of Manning Construction. “Plus, failure wasn’t an option. I had mouths to feed.”

  “And, now, you don’t. You can go back to school if you want. You can go to California, follow your dreams. You can find her,” he said, not for the first time in the past five years. “I know how much Ava meant to you. How much it hurt when she left. And I can’t help but feel partly responsible for that. If it hadn’t been for me, you never would’ve stayed here.”

  “Don’t go there, buddy. What happened between Ava and me is solely on us. Not you. You’re my brother, and as much as you piss me off, I love you.”

  “Still…”

  “Leave it alone, Tanner.” My voice was gruffer than I’d intended, and I was lying through my teeth.

  The thing was that I couldn’t tell him that I’d set things in motion for Ava’s return. I couldn’t tell him that I’d demanded Ava play Abigail, even though I was sure he’d figure it out. No, I’d shared that truth only with Jeremy. Everyone else could just wonder. Because, while my heart wanted to believe she’d return, hear my words, and let them be enough, the rational part of my mind constantly reminded me that, before, I hadn’t been enough. My words hadn’t been enough. And, this time, I still wasn’t sure it was possible to change her mind.

  But I’d do anything in my power to do so.

  After hours of tossing and turning, I gave up on sleep altogether. I tried working on my newest novel idea, but all words were lost to me. Instead, I grabbed my favorite copy of Cyrano de Bergerac, but not even that could keep my mind from wandering. And my eyes from doing the same, landing on the bedroom window of the girl who’d held my heart from the very moment it had begun beating. The girl I’d loved more than life, who had walked away from me when I’d needed her the most.

  The girl I hadn’t seen in over five years but would soon be crashing into my world. I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle her nearness, but I wanted it. Craved it. It’d been five long years since Ava had left Cincinnati, and I was finally in a place where we could be together. No obstacles. You know, other than the giant hurdle I had to jump over just to get her to talk to me. But I would do it. It’d be my one last-ditch effort to see if she still felt the same.

  Would she care that I was T.A. Bankman? Would she get the connection when she read Those Three Words? Would she be pissed that I’d demanded she, and no one else, play the role of young Abigail?

  Did I care?

  Not in the least. Not if it meant she’d be back. Not if it meant I had one last chance to live my life to the fullest with the only woman who’d
ever held my heart. Because, over the past few years, I’d learned that life isn’t worth living alone. Life isn’t worth living without the one you love the most. Ava was that woman for me, and now that Tanner was of age, I had nothing stopping me from bringing her back to me. I just had to wonder: Would it work? Or would I crash and burn once again, only forever this time?

  It didn’t matter. I wasn’t the scared, grieving eighteen-year-old idiot who’d pushed the love of his life away. I’d do whatever it would take to prove to Ava that our love was worth it. Five years and thousands of miles apart had done nothing to squash my feelings for her. If anything, the longing made my heart yearn for her even more than I had before she’d blown me away with that first kiss.

  I just had to make her believe it.

  At the same time, I had to push past my fear. Sure, I’d made this play, this grand gesture in hopes that she’d return to me, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have my doubts. What if I let her back in only for her to rip my heart out again? What if she’d moved on and all I was was the guy she once loved? What if I was her past and she didn’t see me as her future?

  Those questions had haunted me throughout the entire book-writing process. They’d haunted me when I’d insisted she play the part. They’d haunted me when Jeremy had informed me that she would be home soon and it was time to make my move. The terror of the unknown had so often had me in its clutches over the past five years, and now that I was up to the plate, some deep-down part of me wasn’t sure this was all worth the risk.

  But then I remembered her smile. Her touch. Her kiss. I remembered everything, and no matter how much pain it would take, I would endure it if it meant she was my endgame.

  That didn’t mean it was going to be easy.

  “YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT to come with me?” I asked Tawni for the hundredth time since I’d received my report date to go film in Cincinnati.

  According to Martin, before selling the movie rights, the author had insisted the entire film be shot in the city where it was set. Because I’d read the book, I completely understood. The city was central to Abby and Trevor’s love story, and there’s no way it could have been filmed anywhere else. Even though I’d second-guessed it quite often since Martin had informed me of this, I was excited to return to my hometown. I was also terrified and didn’t want to do it alone.

  Tawni’s laughter did little to ease my nerves when she pulled up to the drop-off zone at LAX. When she put the car in park, she angled towards me, her eyes dancing with amusement. “As much as I’d love to witness this reunion in person, I think I’d be too much of a distraction—which is the last thing you need when seeing him again for the first time. But you better tell me every single detail later.”

  I sighed. “I don’t even know if there will be a reunion, Tawni. He’s avoided me every other time I’ve visited Cincinnati. I have no reason to believe it will be any different now.”

  “Then make him see you. Do whatever you have to, girl, but don’t let this opportunity pass you by. There’s a reason you were chosen to play Abigail. A reason the perfect role landed in your lap, taking you back home to film for weeks.”

  I nodded, praying that she was right. Leaning across the car, I gave her a side hug. “Thanks. I’ll call you when I land.”

  She returned the hug then pulled back to look at me. “Ava, you came to Hollywood to follow your dreams. They’re all coming true, but at the end of the day, what are dreams if you’re facing them alone? You miss him. You still love him. He needs to know. And, if in the end, for some insane reason, it doesn’t work out, that’s okay, too. You’ll have closure, and then you can move on.”

  Hot tears pricked my eyes. She made it sound so easy when, for all I knew, Tucker was already seeing someone. My stomach twisted up in knots at the idea.

  “I will, Tawni,” I promised, hoping that it was a promise I could keep.

  The long flight from L.A. to Cincinnati did little to calm my nerves. The snoring man next to me ensured I couldn’t get a wink of sleep, so I had nothing to occupy my mind other than thoughts of Tucker and what Tawni had said.

  It was true that I still loved Tucker. That had never changed. Still, I stood by my decision to leave. Trying to make it in Hollywood was hard enough without also trying to maintain a long-distance relationship.

  But Tawni’s words echoed in my mind. She was right. Sure, I was living my dream, but I was doing it alone. At the end of the day, I had no one to share it with. But how was I supposed to simply waltz back into Tucker’s life and expect us to pick up where we’d left off? And, even if we did, there was still the fact that I lived in California. He lived in Cincinnati, and from the tiny bits and pieces of information I’d gotten from Mom over the years, he’d been quite successful running Manning Construction.

  He’d given his dreams up to raise his little brother.

  I’d left him for mine.

  Why in the hell would he ever take me back?

  All too soon, the landing gear was down and we were making our way to the terminal. As nervous as I was, for both seeing Tucker and taking on such a huge role in a movie, wild exhilaration coursed through me as I took my first step into the Cincinnati airport. It’d been too long since I’d been home, and I missed my family. They’d come out to California a couple of times, but it’d been nearly a year since their last visit. I couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around them, roll my eyes at my parents, and spend time with my little brothers.

  I was lost in thought, wondering if I could fit in a couple of baseball games between filming, when I glanced up and my world tilted on its axis. Heck, it abruptly stopped spinning and I came to an abrupt stop right in the middle of the hall because less than ten feet away was Tucker Manning.

  My carry-on slipped from my shoulder and crashed to the ground, but I didn’t care. No, all I could do was stare at him, amazed at how life had changed him since that summer we’d spent together.

  The five years we’d spent apart had very, very been good to him, and part of me wanted to weep on the spot for having missed out on all that time. Because the Tucker Manning I had fallen in love with? He’d sure grown up.

  Gone was the lean eighteen-year-old boy whose lips, if I hadn’t been kissing them, had always been curled in a goofy smile. The boy whose unruly hair had always been mussed up and hanging in his bright-blue eyes. In his place was a man, tall and built, undoubtedly from years of working on construction sites. The image of him in nothing but a tool belt shamelessly arose in my mind. As I studied him from not-so-afar, I realized I’d been fooling myself. The urge to leave my carry-on on the ground, rush across the room, jump into his arms, and pepper his tanned cheeks with kisses was nearly impossible to resist. Seeing Tucker there and then, in the flesh, and how much he’d changed made me realize I’d missed him far more than I’d allowed myself to believe. Now that I was so close to him, I wanted nothing more than to undo the last five years, even if it meant I’d stayed in Cincinnati and never pursued acting. Because I was painfully aware that I’d given up everything that truly mattered to me for a dream that didn’t if he wasn’t by my side.

  My elation at my realization was short-lived, because when he slipped his phone into his pocket and lifted his gaze, his eyes immediately landed on me. The smile on his face disappeared, his lips forming a straight line, giving nothing away. The eyes I’d spent hours staring into were now indifferent, as if seeing me hadn’t affected him the way it had affected me.

  Balls. This was going to be so much harder than I’d even imagined.

  I supposed I deserved it. This impromptu reunion with Tucker couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Or in a worse place, with strangers milling about all around us.

  Sucking it up, I picked my bag up and slid it onto my shoulder. I took a deep breath then put one foot in front of the other, closing the distance between us. With the way my heart was racing, I wondered if I was about to have a heart attack. Instead of croaking, however, I made it to him in one piece and gave
him a warm smile.

  “Tucker, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

  As the words left my mouth, my stomach dropped. What if he was picking up a girlfriend? Oh god, was I about to witness a lover’s reunion instead of getting my own?

  “I could say the same.” His voice was huskier, more masculine.

  My gaze went from him to the ground, where he was impatiently tapping his foot. Clearly, this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have. Too bad. We had to start somewhere, right? As much as I wanted to flee and hide in the comfort of my parents’ home, I had to do this. Fighting for him was never going to be easy. Plus, I’d already run away once before. I wasn’t making it a habit. Not when it came to him.

  “Right. Umm, well, it looks like I’ll be in town for a while. Umm, filming in Cincinnati, a new movie. I’ll be staying next door. You know, umm, with my parents,” I informed him, my gaze returning to his face to try to read his reaction, to see if he had any response to the fact that we’d be so close once again.

  Nothing. Not an eyebrow raise or an errant lip twitch. Not even a frown. There was nothing there. No reaction at all. Perhaps indifference really was what Tucker felt. Indifference was the worst possible emotion he could give me. If he was still angry, that meant, from somewhere deep within him, he still cared about me. But not caring? That was a tell-tale sign Tucker Manning was over me and didn’t give a damn that I was back in town.

  He nodded curtly. “Heard.”

  That was it. One word, one syllable, yet it said so much more. It said everything. He obviously had no interest in small talk, and I was too exhausted from the flight to try to pull teeth from him. As eager as I was to speak with him, to find some way to work this out and start fresh, it was clearly not the time or the place. Not that it would deter me in the future. I’d made a conscious decision to stay with my parents when I could’ve stayed in the short-term apartments the studio had rented for the cast.