by Rue Volley
“I just would love if you thought about me that way,” he said in a whisper.
I had to lean up to hear him.
“You do realize that I am IN this asylum; I don’t work here,” I whispered to him.
He grinned and looked at my mouth. I cleared my throat and suddenly realized that he didn’t care that I was in there. You have got to be kidding me right? He leaned up and passed me a note, like we were in school. I looked at it and he held it in my hand.
“Read it alone… in your room,” he said.
I nodded, mainly because I had no idea how to react any other way to the weirdness.
I looked at him and my sarcasm got the best of me.
“You just passed me a note,” I whispered.
He leaned up closer to me.
“I know I did.”
I blinked at him.
“You do realize that this is weird?” I said.
He laughed a little and looked down.
“Well, thank you,” he said.
“No… I mean, this is a ‘note’… like we are in school. We are so not in school here,” I said.
“I am aware of where we are at,” he said.
I shook my head.
“Okay then… just checking,” I said as I leaned back and held the ‘note’ in my hand.
He smiled and stood up, holding out his hand. I didn’t know if I should have been holding his hand now he’d revealed how he felt. Suddenly I felt like it meant something other than I thought it had.
I mean I did like him… maybe a lot, well… I don’t know. I am positive that I really, really like the boy who turned into pillows… like pillows. Okay, I needed to think this through. I had my hot boy who nobody sees but me and then I had Blake here, who I was sure was not a figment of my imagination. Oh, that’s a tough one. Go for the really hot annoying one that was probably a crack in my mind or the hot one that was right there? Well, I guess that I should read the ‘note’. Maybe that would clear up everything. I mean if it was all stupid and crazy I could easily dismiss Blake as some boy who should be in there alongside me. But what if it’s awesome...? More than awesome? Crap.
We stepped onto the elevator and I didn’t look at him. He held my hand and I just stared at the door, waiting to hear the ding. I held the ‘note’ in my hand and suddenly the door dinged and opened. I blinked. He glanced over at me and we stepped out. We walked down the hallway and I heard a whisper to my left. I looked over. Who the hell is in room 314 anyway?
I glanced over and thought I saw someone standing in the shadows of that room.
“Oh crap,” I whispered as I squeezed Blake’s hand. He looked at me and at the room.
“What is it?” he asked me.
“I don’t know… I thought I saw someone standing there,” I said.
He stopped and left me by the wall. He stepped into the room and I held my breath. I waited to hear a scream, or something crash. Blake popped out and I almost peed my pants. I jumped and held my mouth. Blake smiled at me and I sighed.
“Who is in there?” I asked.
“A girl… she is asleep,” Blake said.
“Are you sure?” I asked him.
He walked up to me and shook his head.
“Are your meds making you feel paranoid?” he asked me.
I placed my hands on my hips and stared at him.
“How would I know?” I asked him.
He smiled and took my hand.
We stopped at my door and he turned to me. I looked at him and he looked at the floor.
“Okay then,” he said to me.
I nodded and opened my door up. I stepped in and looked around my room. I closed my door behind me. It felt warmer in there than earlier. I could see Blake’s shadow at the bottom of my door… just lingering. I stood there waiting to hear him knock, but he walked away. I sighed and sat down on my bed.
I held the ‘note’ in my hand. I wanted to open it but I was so afraid that it would suck. I guessed I didn’t want it suck, I really didn’t. I mean here I was… two years into crazy and I had a boy wanting to know me. Maybe really know me. I flipped the note in my hand and started to open it up. I sighed as I brushed my hair behind my ear and stared at the paper.
“Okay, Rue… just read it already,” I muttered to myself.
I leaned back and looked at it. I heard a noise outside my door and looked over. A shadow passed and I held my breath for a moment. Was he back to act as a pillow for me? My heart stopped, what would I say? I just get funky with pillows? Sorry “real” boys just don’t do it for me? I watched the shadow move and I let my breath out. Whew.
I looked back at the paper in my hand and settled back against my headboard.
Dear Rue,
I will avoid any words that you may find offensive.
Such as:
Crazy
Delusional
Nut job
Coo-Coo
Off your rocker
Or my personal favorite… Girlfriend.
I smiled and bit my finger. How clever he is… it sounded like I letter that I would write myself.
I won’t lie and tell you that I do not have any feelings for you. I understand that I am working here and that you are a resident. That does not detour me though from sharing how I feel about you. I like you, probably more than I should. I won’t be hurt if you don’t feel the same way and I would hope that you would not be afraid to tell me if that’s the case. I just wanted to be honest with you. I felt compelled to do it, so here I am… just letting you know the truth. I hope you appreciate the truth. I do. Anyway, now you know what you probably already suspected to be true. If you still want me as your personal intern, I would like to be. If you feel weird… then let me know and I will stop.
Sincerely,
Blake
I let the letter fall from my hand onto my lap and grinned. How sweet and smart all at the same time. He cleverly just put it all on me. What do I say to him now? I had no freakin’ idea. How could I return any feelings to anyone when I didn’t even know who I was? Great. What a strange thing to have to worry about. I was thinking that I needed to talk to Holly about it the next meeting. Not so much about him but more about me. Me for real. I wanted to look at the inkblots again. I wanted to know how to climb my way out of here and back to someplace that I can receive a letter like this and honestly react to it like a normal person would. Like a girl would that wants to be with someone.
I cleared my throat and closed my eyes. A flash of that boy came into my mind and I sucked in my breath when I heard a voice in my room. I opened my eyes and there he was, like I’d summoned him. He sat in my corner and stared at me. I shifted in my bed and folded the letter up in my hand.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him.
He stood up and walked towards me. The moonlight lit him up as soon as he stepped into it. I wanted to just tell him to go, but I sat there staring at him like I couldn’t stop. He grinned and sat down on the edge of my bed and took the note from my hand. I let him. Why? I don’t know. It’s my letter, not his. He stood up and opened it. He read it and crumpled it, dropping it on the floor. He turned and shook his head at me.
“What the hell is this?” he asked me.
Not the best way to start his conversation with me.
I looked at him and crossed my arms on my chest.
“Why do you think that it is any of your business?” I said.
He tilted his head and bit his lip.
“You are a pain in my ass,” he said.
“Me? Oh my god. You are not even real!” I said as I sat up on my bed and pointed at him.
“I am real,” the boy said to me.
I sighed and relaxed my arm.
“You are not. You came here and ‘poof’ just when things got all crazy you decided to turn into pillows!” I said.
“Rue,” he whispered.
I tilted my head and looked at his face.
“You know my name...? Well, of course you do,” I
said as I tapped my head. “You are a figment of my imagination. Right...? You know me, because I know me,” I said.
He stepped up to the side of my bed and reached out his hand to me. I took it. I knew I should not have, but I couldn’t help myself with him. I think if he’d slid my window open and said, “jump” I’d have done it… no problem. Well, big problem there. I stood up and tried not to look up at him. The last time I lingered on his face I ended up humping my bed. Great, I am a pervert.
He grinned and touched my face.
“You need to stop talking to Blake,” he said.
I blinked a couple of times and stepped back from him.
“Listen… imaginary boy, I can talk to whomever I want to,” I said to him.
He laughed and threw his hands up in the air.
“Listen to me; I don’t have a lot of time… Just do me a favor and get another intern, preferably a girl,” he said to me.
I tilted my head and walked to my crumpled up note on the floor. I picked it up and started to unfold it. How dare he come in here and read my note… tell me what to do? I shook my head and pointed my finger at him.
“You need to stop making me crazier than I already am,” I said to him.
“Me? You put yourself in an asylum for crap sake!” he said.
I crinkled my eyebrows.
“I did not,” I said, all defiant.
“Yes… you did. I didn’t expect this… or ‘Blake’.”
He said Blake’s name all nasty and sarcastic, it made me madder than I already was.
“What is wrong with the name ‘Blake’?” I asked him.
The boy laughed and sat down on my bed. I watched him, wanting to remain pissed off, because I felt I had the right to, but he looks like… everything I wanted rolled into one. Damn it. My mind was messing with me so hardcore right now.
“It’s beyond stupid,” he muttered.
That pulled me out of wanting to knock him on his back and kiss him.
I started to pace and undo the crinkles in the note.
“Who made you the authority on what name is good and what name is stupid?” I asked him.
He covered his face with his hands and let out an “Arrrghh!”
I stopped and grinned. Was I pissing him off? Good.
He stood up quickly and walked to me. I looked up at him and my stomach flipped. Why did I want him so bad? I mean he was in my head right? He looked at me and smiled. I guess he decided to play nice all of a sudden.
“I need for you to fight, Rue… fight for me, not him,” he whispered.
“What?” I said as I watched his face become softer.
“Fight for me… You need to focus on me, that is the only way we are going to survive this crap.”
I shook my head and looked down at the letter. I gripped it in my hand.
“You are asking me to be insane forever,” I whispered.
He didn’t respond. I looked up and he was gone.
I sighed and walked back to my bed. I dropped back and laid the note on my chest.
“Fight for you?” I whispered to myself.
What the hell did that mean? Was I trying to stay in that place? Was I so messed up that I would rather have an imaginary boy visit me the rest of my life, than take a risk with one who gets to leave here every day?
I rolled over and squeezed my pillow. I looked at it and grinned.
“I am not going to make out with you, so stop looking at me,” I whispered to it.
Then I laughed and buried my head in it.
***
Josh sat up quickly and screamed out every obscenity that he knew. Johnathan sat there, crouched down across from him grinning.
“What the hell are you smiling about?” Josh asked him.
“She is so not going to pick you, dude.” Johnathan said as he stood up.
Josh looked up at him and shook his head.
“She is not going to do Blake, you ass!” Josh yelled at him. “I just need to find a way to stay with her longer. I can’t just say ‘Hey I’m Josh’ and then tell her everything. Memory doesn’t work that way. It would fry her freakin’ mind and then I would lose her forever.”
Johnathan shook his head.
“You are screwed, dude. Blake looks pretty on top of his game… with that note and shit.”
Josh stood up and looked around.
“That was a note Rue wrote in her mind, of course she would like it, you ass...! Listen, just do me a favor and shut up for a while.”
“Whatever,” Johnathan said as they started to walk.
“Let me just say one thing,” Johnathan said as he stared at Josh’s back.
Josh stopped and didn’t even turn his head to him, but his shoulders tightened up like he was about to turn and fight him.
“What is it now?” Josh asked him, knowing that even if he didn’t say anything… Johnathan would talk anyway.
“Well, if she does ya know… do Blake, is it game over or what?”
Josh turned to him.
“Yes, you dick… happy now?” he said gritting his teeth.
“Okay… just wanted to establish that I was right.”
Josh laughed. “God...! You are not real, dude… You are in my head; stop telling me everything that I already know.”
Johnathan sighed and crossed his arms on his chest.
“Well, that is a shitty thing to say. I mean I thought that we were starting to become friends.”
Josh continued to laugh.
“Fine… if you want to be buddies, then that is what we are… Better now?” he yelled.
Johnathan blinked and shrugged his shoulders.
“What!” Josh yelled at him.
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess that my idea of friends and yours are two different things.”
Josh shook his head and started to walk.
“Oh my god,” he muttered.
“No, I think that you and I should share stuff… like how we feel.”
Josh stopped and pulled his hair.
“You are here to torture the shit out of me, right...? I mean you will turn me into a Lord if you don’t stop acting all emotional and shit.”
Johnathan rolled his eyes at him and kicked the dirt.
Josh looked at him and held his hands out.
“Listen to me, I know that I cannot kill you so please stop making me want to, okay?”
“You want to kill me...? God, why?” Johnathan asked him.
Josh sat down. He had to. This emotional journey with Johnathan was causing his head to hurt. He placed his head in his hands and Johnathan sat down in front of him and held his hand out to him. Josh peeked through his fingers and grinned.
“What the hell are you doing now?” he asked him.
Johnathan smiled and wiggled his fingers.
“Take my hands,” he said.
Josh crinkled his eyebrows and shook his head.
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“Oh come on, we can just sit here for a moment and talk… you know, open up.”
Josh dropped his hands and his head as he laughed.
“Oh god… come on!” Josh said as he continued to laugh at him.
Johnathan lowered his hands and frowned at him. Josh tilted his head.
“You cannot be serious,” Josh said.
Johnathan raised his hands again and grinned at him.
“I am so not going to sit here in the forest and hold hands with you,” Josh said as he leaned back on his hands.
Johnathan shrugged his shoulders.
“Okay fine, but I think if we do this we may be able to figure out a way to get to her for real.”
Josh stopped smiling and stared at him.
“What do you mean?” he said.
Johnathan picked up some grass and stared at it.
“You are emotionally closed off, that is why you cannot go to her and stay,” he said.
Josh shook his head and looked up at the sky.
“I am not. I love her,” h
e said.
“Not completely,” Johnathan said.
Josh looked at him and frowned.
“That is so not true,” he said.
Johnathan stood up and stretched his arms out as he yawned.
“Nope… I’m right and you know it, because I’m in your head. Right?” Johnathan said as he grinned at Josh.
“Oh shut up...! I seriously can’t believe you,” Josh said as he started to stand up.
Johnathan flashed to his face.
“What now?” Josh asked him.
“You and I both know, well… because we are the same, that you need to open up and really love her. You have never given yourself to anyone or anything… You’ve spend thousands of years keeping everything at an arms-length, so you wouldn’t run the risk of being vulnerable. Well it’s time, you dick… You need to embrace your girl side.”
Josh rolled on his side and laughed.
“Oh my god… I don’t even have a ‘girl side’! You cannot be serious.”
Johnathan shook his head.
“I am only telling you the truth. Don’t try… spend the rest of your existence killing everything, but I think that you really want to be with her.”
Josh stopped laughing and looked at him. This was worse than trial. This was something that was deep rooted in him, something that he didn’t want to face ever. Johnathan… or his subconscious… was right. He didn’t allow anyone in his heart completely, not even Rue, the only girl that had ever chipped through his armor. He looked at Johnathan and sighed.
“See… I told you, you ass,” Johnathan said.
“Oh shit,” Josh muttered as he held out his hand.
Johnathan smiled and sat down in front of him.
Josh took his hands and grimaced as Johnathan rubbed his fingers over the top of Josh’s hands.
“Just tell me how you feel,” Johnathan said all girl-like.
Josh rolled his eyes.
“Ummm, I like her mouth,” he said.
Johnathan sighed.
“Yea, okay… and?”
Josh looked at him and tilted his head.
“I love the way she tenses up when I touch her.”
Johnathan smiled.
“See, that’s better… but can we move away from the physical stuff...? I mean we both know that you want to hump the crap out of her.”