Down to the Bone

by Mayra Lazara Dole

  I rummage around the floor for my small sketchpad. I find it under the TV and start sketching galloping horses without looking at her. I want her to go away and stop the noise. Just when I know I’ve made the best decision of my life, Soli comes and stomps on it.

  She keeps at it. “Forget about London. Go out with Tazer as just friends. You’ll meet girls you’ll like that way. He’s knows tons of smart and pretty lesbians and bi’s. I’ve cut the hair of a few of them and thought how much you’d love them. You’re just traumatized because of what happened at school and because the Betrayer screwed you up.” She repeats, “Hang with Tazer and his friends, till you find the right girl. He’ll understand. He’s got plenty girls after him. Let London do his thing with a real straight girl. I know you guys have been texting and you keep making excuses about why you won’t go out with him now. Just tell London the truth. It’s only fair to him.”

  I throw the sketchpad and pencil on the floor. “The truth? The truth is that everyone should be left alone to decide what they want to do with their lives without someone hounding them. You’re beginning to sound like my mom who wants me one way. Didn’t you hear what I just said about not dating anyone of my same sex or anybody who’s different or looks gay? No one listens to me. When I told this to Tazer, he kissed me.” I place the palm of my hand in front of her face. “Stop already. I swear, I’d rather get an enema from a gorilla than keep listening.” I search the pile of CDs on the floor for something loud.

  “You don’t have to get so testy, okay?” She tugs at her nose ring and calmly lays her head on my thigh, hands clasped behind her head.

  I scrub my face with my hands and place the CDs on the floor. “I just need to be left alone so I can figure out my life. I know you care about me, and you’re trying to help. But I must make my own decisions, regardless of the consequences, all right?”

  She stands and stares down at me with fists on her waist. “You’ve changed. You’re suddenly becoming the biggest liar. Lying to others about you and Marlena was okay because she would have been disowned. But lying to yourself and to a guy? And you never used to get so pissed at me for any little thing.”

  I look up at her. “You’re nuts.”

  She peels a piece of cracked polish off her fingernail. “You’ve never had such a strong personality. What’s happened to you?” The peel drops on the tip of my big toe and I leave it there. “You used to be the most fun girl alive. You listened to everything I said. You’re a different person since Marlena left you.”

  My frustration is mounting. Soli should get how hard it is to be caught up in something irrational for my own good. I need to stay on course without any interference. She’s pointing her finger at me as if I’m about to commit a crime. So what if I’m manipulating my own life to shape my mom’s opinion of me? I must get rid of “my true self” and never, ever, give her a chance to emerge again.

  It would be great to get a little support and sympathy right now from Soli, since I’ll be losing so much. I mean, who chooses to kill herself? Doesn’t she see I need to be in denial? Why is she forcing me to feel guilty before I embark on a new life that’ll eliminate all my pain and sorrow, forever?

  Her words insult me. In a heartbeat, I spring up. We’re this close, facing one another.

  “Are you toasted? I’m still the same person, just someone who knows what she wants to do with her life.”

  “No you’re not. You’re going to be doing strange things like dating a guy when you know you want to go out with girls. Before Marlena, you were crazy about two guys, but after your first kiss with her, you didn’t even remember they existed. You told me so yourself.”

  “They dated me on a dare. Remember? I was the bony bookworm. I didn’t even know how to kiss. If I’d known they were playing a joke with friends, I’d have never kissed Lorenzo. You know that the guy I really liked, who looks like London, wasn’t into me. If he’d been, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

  “You wouldn’t have felt anything for him either.”

  “Yes I would have. I had a mad crush on him. I’d shake when around him.”

  There’s a sad silence in the room. I stare at the painting next to the flat TV on the wall of the three of us we did last night, after I jogged around the neighborhood, picked up some groceries and an empty canvas. Viva, Soli and I are holding hands under an aqua sky with billowy clouds surrounded by palm trees.

  I expect it to make me feel better, but it just pulls at my heartstrings. I’ll soon be leaving here for good. This might be Soli’s last attempt to keep me as part of her little family. She should tell me she doesn’t want me to go instead of putting me through hell.

  We’ve never had an official fight. I don’t want to argue, so I change the subject.

  “I think you’ve got a mustard stain on your top.”

  “No, it’s mango. Diego and I . . . er . . . well . . . forget it.”

  “What? Tell me.”

  “You don’t care, anyways.” She walks to the living room window. I jump over the piles of CDs, trying hard not to step on anything, and grab her arm.

  “Soli, I do care.” I don’t like it when she acts this way. She knows I love her. I can tell she’s hurt about my choosing to go back home to a mom she thinks doesn’t deserve me. She wants me to teach my mother a lesson, but in doing so, I’ll be hurting Pedri.

  She presses her forehead and nose up against the windowpane and fogs it up. “You don’t care what I think anymore. You won’t listen to me, and you get pissed at me for everything. I don’t need you anyways, Shyly.”

  “You do need me, you turkey. It’s not that I want to leave. I swear. I could live with you and your mom till forever. It’s just that I miss Pedri. I have to be there for him. He needs me. I know you’ll miss me too. Just relax on the gay thing, okay?”

  I grab my Cuban architecture book from the floor, sit down, and leaf through it. She picks up one of my organic gardening magazines, sits far away from me, and looks at the photos as if she were into it.

  I put the book down. “Ever since my mom threw me out, and Marlena left, I’ve had the worst times of my life. You and your mom are the only two people in my life who’ve been there for me.” I scratch the tip of my nose. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever have, so stop the crap and let me live my life as I want to. I don’t tell you how to live your life.”

  She looks up from the magazine. “Shyly, you’re my best friend. You know I’d chop off my dreads for you.”

  “I know. I’m sure you’d rip out your eyeballs for me.”

  I smile, but she doesn’t. Instead, she says, “But it’s ridiculous and insane that you like girls and you’re going to live a lie for your mom. Look at everything you sacrificed for Marlena and where is she now?”

  I wring my hands. “You know I hate labels. If you want to brand me, then I guess I was lesbian when Marlena and I were together. I was wholeheartedly in love with her. I felt complete and I was never attracted to another girl or guy. The truth is that I’m drawn to London. It’s not emotional yet, because I don’t know him well, but everything else is there. If I were to fall in love with him, I’d consider myself straight. It’s no big deal.”

  “Straight? You were deeply in love with a girl for two-and-a-half years, Shyly.”

  “I know. But I’m telling you the truth. That’s the way it really is for me. The thing is that I don’t know if I can fall in love with London. If I don’t, I’ll stop dating him. I won’t use him. If I do, I know I’ll never look at another girl or guy in my entire life. That’ll mean I’m het.”

  “I get not using confining labels. But I just know you’re not like most of my girlfriends at work into guys and girls. Labels don’t exist in my world. I wouldn’t tag any of my work friends. They’re not gay, bi or straight. They just are. But I know you better.”

  “I need to go with my better judgment this time, and not just with my heart and feelings. That got me into serious trouble. Get i
t?”

  “Nope.”

  “Look. For the one hundredth time: I need my mom and Pedri in my life. I’ll do anything to have them back. I’m in so much pain without them, Soli. I just have to clear this mess of my life up for good, on my own.”

  She wraps her arms around me for a hug. “Oh, I get it. It’s about giving your mom, who threw you out of your house, the satisfaction of letting her see you with a guy.” I loosen my hug and back away from her. “It’s about lying to your mother so she can love you. Way to go, Shyly! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  I peel off my cap, throw it on the couch, and my hair comes tumbling down. “Didn’t you hear or believe anything I said?”

  “I heard you, but no way do I accept it as truth.”

  “F you!” I belt out as I reach for the front door.

  “Up yours!” she blasts as she slams the door behind me.

  15—Get Me Out of Here!

  Autumn marks its transition from summer into winter (Florida’s two seasons) with the arrival of nights appearing earlier. Regardless of what season it is, it barely gets dark in Miami until after seven p.m. You’d think the days have started to grow cooler. That’s not Miami. September is our hottest, most asphyxiating month.

  Five months have passed since my one and only fight with Soli. We were upset ten minutes. I jogged around the block. When I got back home we put on my Brazilian CDs and started jumping around, bopping our heads up and down, side to side, pretending to be punk/goth groupies, as if nothing had happened. The following morning I went with her to the gyno. Luckily, she only had a yeast infection. And if that’s not fabulous news, listen to this: Marco promoted me to part-time landscape designer/sketcher and part-time tree installer. He gave me a colossal, juicey raise!

  I’ve also been dating London on weekends. I started seeing him a week after the day he visited me at work. He’s a fun guy who also likes things I love. We’ve spent time snorkeling off the Keys, bicycling around the Everglades, mini-biking, swimming with the dolphins and skateboarding. He’s taught me how to surf, windsurf and sail. Luckily, his uncle has a windsurfing school/shop right on Key Biscayne Beach where he sells catamarans. He’s told me, “All my exes hated water sports because they’d break a nail. I’m so lucky you’re not like them.”

  Several times, we’ve been water skiing with his uncle, aunt, Soli and Soli’s aunt who’s a water sports freak, too. It took me a while to learn, but I got the hang of it and love it! Thanks to London I’m living the life, and having more fun than I’ve ever had with any of my old friends. But still, I miss CC and Olivia. I can’t help it. They’ve never returned a single text or call.

  London and I get along pretty well. I like his friends who’ve become my friends too. It feels good to be so accepted. I want to keep taking it slow, but he’s driving me crazy about needing to see me more often. I’m going to bend because he’s so good to me.

  It’s September eighth, Astro Viva’s fiftieth birthday. Marlena, whom I’m one hundred percent over, called a bunch of times and left messages on my cell (I managed to keep my old digits). She seems to want to be friends, now that it’s all behind us. “I’m so excited! I’m coming to Miami. I’ll be staying at my uncle Marco’s house. Rick isn’t coming. I’d love to see you and talk in private. I hope you’ve forgiven me.”

  She talked as if nothing had ever happened between us. I haven’t called her back nor do I plan to. I don’t yearn to be Marlena’s friend. After the way she ended it, something in me died. I’m sure if my mom and I were talking, Mami would be ecstatic to see her, since she never found out who the “culprit” was, and she really cared about her. She’d wrap her arms around Marlena and welcome her back, thrilled that she’s married.

  Early this morning Soli and I dropped off Viva and her best friend Adela at the Imax 3-D theater in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s La Caridad del Cobre day. Traffic was horrendous because of a procession carrying the Virgin statue on Calle Ocho. Although worshipping virgins isn’t my cup of latte (except for Marlena’s body, that is, which was my shrine), I get the significance around the reverence and adoration behind the ritual: believers in our community get together to pray, ask for help, and celebrate with music and dance. I believe in something so strongly also that I too join a procession with others on April 22: Earth Day. Venerating plus taking action in caring for the earth gives you back so much more than praying to a statue, but I’m sure some might argue that.

  Afterward, we headed to the dog pound. I bought Viva what she’s always wanted since her dog Pelusita died of old age (21) two years ago: a bulldog mutt. Our neighbor is keeping the pup at her duplex till tomorrow morning, for an even bigger surprise.

  Diego comes by to help Soli and me clean, organize and prepare our place for the most electrifying party ever. We’re working away when Tazer walks in. I open my eyes wide. He stopped talking to me, cold, the day I made him up as a geisha. I called him that night. I let him know I just wanted to be his friend, and I was about to start dating London. He said, “I’m not into being just friends.” No matter how many times I called, texted or e-mailed him, so we could talk things out, he wouldn’t answer the phone or write back.

  I’ve missed him. He has great ideas and opinions about the world and everyone in it that I enjoyed hearing. He challenged me to think outside the box. I miss our long talks, fun texts, book recommendations and hearty laughs.

  He pulls me by the arm outdoors. We stand next to a pregnant banana tree. I’m excited to see him and hope he doesn’t chew me out.

  He buttons up his fancy white shirt, pulls on his black suspenders, and sticks his hands in his khaki baggy pants pockets. “Sorry I became so upset when you said you were going to date London,” his eyes avert from mine, “a male with a penis, who, according to Jaylene, are the lowliest animals among us, thus why I’ve decided to be the poster boy and give them a good name.”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know. I get the motives behind your actions. To some extent I agree with them. I’m not in your shoes, so I don’t have the urge to make it right with my family.”

  “Thanks for understanding. I wish we could have stayed friends but I get it.” I can’t lie to myself and deny that there wasn’t a single day I didn’t think about Tazer and wonder what he was up to. There were times when I wanted badly to read texts from him. But after he stopped communicating, I stayed away to respect his wishes.

  “It’s not as if seeing you with London would have been a heart wrenchingly, utterly devastating experience. I just wanted to be spared the torture of wanting you and being dissed for a genetic guy. I won’t allow it to be the story of my life. I moved on immediately. I’ll never let that type of negativity pervade my psyche too long. I’d rather live it up without turmoil or drama. You get it, right?”

  “Absolutely.” I grab a long banana leaf, pull it toward my nose, and sniff it. “I never saw it that way. It seems so insensitive now. I’m so sorry.” I have to make sure he knows I never wanted to play with his feelings.

  “It wasn’t you. I’m the one who was after you. I got all your messages, texts and e-mails. I should’ve called you back, but I was upset you chose him over me.” He stretches his neck, squints, and checks out the scene indoors. “Is he here? Are you still seeing him?”

  “Yes, but he’s home with the flu, so he’s not coming today.” I peel a piece of the leaf and tear it into a few strips. I tell him everything that’s been going on and the truth about why I’m trying to fall for London. If he wants to be my friend, he’s going to have to accept my life as I’ve chosen to live it. “Do you think we can ever be friends again? I mean, just friends?”

  He hugs me to him really hard and slaps my back. “For sure, chica. That’s why I came today when Soli called me last week. I recently met Elicia, a girl who works at my optometrist’s office. She’s studying to become an oculist. She’s also a writer, like me.” He fixes his purple tinted glasses and lets out a shining smile. “I dated a fe
w girls and had blast going to the theatre, seeing plays, bungee jumping and things like that. But something different happened when I met Elicia. We instantly hit it off. She finishes my sentences; we listen to the same type of underground music; it’s as if we’ve known each other all our lives. Finally, after Dori, I meet someone I’m really into. We go out on goofy, nerdy dates, like bowling, fishing, to the library and horseback riding. Soli said I could bring friends. I came early to help. Elicia is working, but she’ll be here later.”

  “Fantastic.” I feel happy and a little sad. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I’ll never know what could have become of us if I’d given him a chance. He has all the qualities I’m fiercely attracted to. I’m sure we would have made an amazing couple. It’s not easy letting go of someone who could have been part of your life in a deeper way. It’s a sacrifice one must pay in order to do the right thing for your future with your family. But I’m psyched we can stay friends.

  Tazer confides in me, “You know, when London came into the picture, he became my competition. I never felt intimidated, but I thought you were making a grave mistake to associate with a dense, superficial and intellectually inferior guy.” He lifts an eyebrow. “I hope you know I’m joking.”

  “Of course.” I smile. He hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

  “Granted, I’m sure he’s exciting, but nothing like I believed I could be for you. I felt a little possessive of you. I kept hoping he’d make your life monotonous and dreary so you’d text me things like, I was wrong! Come save me!”

  I laugh and the sadness leaps right out of me. “The truth is, Shai, once I got to know you, I couldn’t help but love your sarcastic sense of humor, personality, and different way of thinking. You’re not so bad on the eyes, either. And besides, you grew on me like testicles. But for my own selfish reasons, I didn’t want you dating another guy. I wanted to be the only male you fell hard for.” His vision swings toward the bananas and back to me. “I was ecstatic about you from the get-go. I guess if you’d allowed it, I could have fallen hard for you. I know that you too would have felt the same.”