by Norah Simone
“The buddy system is our way of making new students feel welcomed,” the principal explained. “You'll skip home room today and instead, Ryan will give you a quick tour of the grounds and help you find your classes. It's just for today. Tomorrow you'll be on your own.”
Tabitha nodded and thanked the principal before following Ryan out into the hallway.
“Well, off we go!” Ryan offered his arm to Tabitha, who hesitated for a moment before accepting it. She felt silly, like they were being formal, but Ryan's relaxed personality immediately put her at ease. He didn't smell half-bad, either.
The campus itself was very small, consisting of only two major buildings. The primary building was where the teachers' offices and most of the classes were held, while the secondary building housed a small auditorium and music room. The second building was also where the locker rooms were, as it was adjacent to the football field.
Ryan walked her around and pointed things out that might be interesting or important. Tabitha nodded politely, making sure that she at least pretended to pay attention.
“So why did you transfer?” Ryan inquired as the two headed back to the main building.
“My dad left.” She said it before she could even think up a lie. Tabitha felt strange just blurting out the truth, but it was a relief to tell someone. Even Katie didn't know yet. Tabitha simply hadn't had a moment alone to pour her heart out to her best friend, so she had kept it bottled inside for three exhausting days. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought about Dad now. His soft brown hair, the way he smelled like Old Spice, his laugh.
“He just left me. No goodbye. No phone calls. He just left.” She looked at her hands, then to Ryan, then back to her hands. Her world was empty now. She wanted to say that she felt sad or that she felt alone, but those words didn’t seem strong enough.
No, Tabitha felt destroyed.
She felt broken.
She felt crushed.
“Hey now, it's okay,” Ryan said, jerking her back to reality as he wiped away one of Tabitha's tears. “Lots of people's dads leave. It's not the end of the world.”
“It feels like it.” She shrugged, silently begging her tears to stop. “It's just...everything's different now.”
Ryan hesitated before responding. “I know. It'll get better though. You just have to try not to think about it.” He looked sad. He looked like he had lost someone once.
Tabitha wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “It's all I can think about.” She sniffled, embarrassed at her break down. She barely knew Ryan at all. Why had she thought it would be okay to tell him about her father? "I think I'd like to go to class now.”
“Yeah, okay.” Ryan opened the glass door and allowed Tabitha to enter first. The hallway was full of students now. Students who all have dads at home, Tabitha thought angrily, pushing back the urge to cry again. She felt humiliated that Ryan had seen her tear up. She promised herself that she wouldn't let it happen again. She couldn't.
“Thanks for showing me around. I can find my class from here.”
“Are you sure?” Ryan hesitated, not sure whether he should hug her or let her go.
“Yeah, I'm fine. See you later.”
Tabitha took off quickly, abruptly immersing herself in the crowded hallway. Ryan faded out of focus as she was swallowed up by the crowd of bustling students. Everyone had a friend and everyone had something to say, it seemed, but Tabitha managed to find her first classroom despite the noise and slipped quietly from the crowd into the empty room.
The rest of the day rushed by as Tabitha was given new textbooks and homework, guaranteed to keep her busy long into the night. She had a lot of catching up to do, so she headed home immediately after her last class, opting not to spend the afternoon with Katie as they had planned.
“Are you sure you don't want to come over?” Katie asked when Tabitha explained the situation.
“Yeah, I just feel kind of overwhelmed and want to get started on this homework. I even have a paper due this week in one class. The teacher wouldn't give an extension or anything.”
“Okay, yeah, I understand. Mr. Turner is harsh like that. Seriously, though, let me know if you change your mind.”
“Thanks, Katie.”
Tabitha tightened her grip on her backpack straps as she turned. The sidewalk was long, and empty, and Tabitha dreaded walking home to her empty house. Each step felt like the end of the world. Her tennis shoes, designed for quiet walking, seemed to bang on the sidewalk like a drum.
Stomp.
Stomp.
Stomp.
Her steps echoed into the empty air, reminding her of how alone she was. It was then that the rain drops began to fall, melting into Tabitha's skin and soaking her clothing. She began to run as fast as her feet would carry her, wishing it was over, wishing the pain was gone. With every thump of her feet and every splash of the gathering rainwater, she felt the aching crack in her heart spread deeper and deeper until the pain exploded and the tears began to fall once more.
Chapter 5
The house was empty when Tabitha got home. She left her wet tennis shoes by the front door where a small puddle quickly formed around her shoes. She tossed her backpack on the couch and ran upstairs to take a long, hot shower.
Tabitha stared at herself in the bathroom mirror while the water warmed up. Her hair fell loosely over her shoulders in thick, delicate curls. Her eyes were piercing, but hollow and filled with pain. Tabitha wondered if the world would ever feel right again.
Somehow, she doubted it.
She had tried calling Dad three times since he left, but he never answered the phone or called her back. Now, alone in the bathroom, Tabitha pulled her cell phone from her jean pocket and stared at it, willing it to ring. Dad didn't have text messaging with his cell plan because he thought it was a waste of money, so Tabitha didn't bother typing out a short message. Instead, she dialed his number once more in an attempt to reach out to him.
“I'm not here right now,” the voice mail message greeted her after several rings, “but please leave a message and ---”
Tabitha hung up before the message finished and collapsed on the bathroom floor in a pile of tears and anguish. Her chest physically hurt as she sobbed.
“I want my daddy,” she cried out loud. “DAD!”
No one answered her cries. No one came to her rescue. There was no one home to comfort her or make her tea or promise it would get better: Mom was at work.
Wearily, Tabitha stopped sobbing long enough to take her shower. She sat in the tub and let the waves of water rush over her. The hot sprays of water washed away her tears and poured over her, sliding over her skin and down the shower drain. Tabitha knew things would never be the same, but she also knew that she couldn't handle this alone. It was time to call Katie.
Tabitha dried with her favorite blue beach towel. Dad had bought it for her one summer when she was little. It was soft and big and she wrapped herself tightly in it before walking down the hallway to her bedroom. She dressed in a skirt and t-shirt and plopped onto her bed to call Katie. Katie answered the phone on the first ring.
“I-I need you,” Tabitha sputtered, suddenly unsure of what to say.
Without hesitation or questions, Katie told her “I'll be right there.”
And she was. Katie arrived quickly and entered the house without knocking. She didn't need to knock: she was Tabitha's house more than she was at her own.
“Come on,” she hauled Tabitha to the kitchen and plopped a brown paper bag on the table.
“Mom sent cookies,” Katie explained with a smile and pulled out a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies: Tabitha's favorite.
The girls each ate their cookies in silence. The gooey deliciousness melted on Tabitha's tongue and left her feeling warm and loved long after she took her last bite. Tabitha was working up the courage to speak while Katie waited patiently for her friend to feel comfortable enough to discuss her problem.
Katie had known Tabitha lon
g enough to know that she needed time to process her feelings about something before she was ready to share. There was nothing wrong with it, but Tabitha's mom, Mrs. Peterson, sometimes got frustrated with Tabitha's inability to instantly communicate her feelings and needs quickly. Katie, however, was a fortress of gentleness. She was used to waiting for things: her dad's deployments had taught her patience well. She could wait for anything, almost indefinitely, without growing weary or annoyed.
Finally, Tabitha explained the situation. It wasn't beautiful or dramatic or special. She just spoke. The words tumbled from her lips willfully and deliberately, and Katie waited in silence until Tabitha was done speaking.
“I just feel empty. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart where my Daddy needs to be. I feel so empty. And I feel alone.”
Tabitha laid her head on the kitchen table and began to cry again. Katie rushed to her side. Wrapping her arms tenderly around her friend, Katie held Tabitha.
“You are not alone,” she whispered softly. “You are never alone. You will always have me.”
The girls held each other for what felt like hours. Katie wept for Tabitha's loss and for her pain, and then the tears stopped. Composing themselves quietly, Katie said she should get home for dinner.
“Mom will wonder what happened to me,” she laughed softly.
“It's okay, my mom should be back from work soon.”
When Katie was gone, Tabitha wandered around the house. Everything looked normal. Everything looked the same as it always had. The brown sofa in the living room with its torn cushion and bright red throw pillows stood boldly in the center of the room, begging to be sat on. The family photos lining the fireplace mantle glistened with dozens of smiles just waiting to be looked at and remembered. And the ancient black coffee table that housed three books and dozens of magazines sat quietly in one corner, rarely used and often forgotten.
Tabitha said nothing as she stared at the room, memories floating past her in waves. She had spent her Christmas mornings in this room, opening presents and laughing with excitement as the wrapping paper fell away from each gift. Her birthday celebrations, complete with wonderful company and delicious cupcakes, had been hosted in this room. And quiet autumn evenings like this one had been spent here as a family. After dinner and chores, the board games would come out and the small family would play for hours and hours.
Tabitha glanced at the bookshelf in the corner. The board games, which had once offered so much excitement and relief from the stresses of everyday life, were now covered in dust and shame. Tabitha walked to the games and ran a finger over Monopoly, wiping away a thin line of dust from the cover. This had been her favorite game once. Without hesitation, Tabitha picked up the box and carried it outside to the trash can. Unceremoniously, she placed Monopoly in the bin and closed the lid tightly.
She would not be playing that game again.
Chapter 6
Mom got home late from work. Tabitha was upstairs working on homework when she heard the front door open and shut.
“I'm home!” Mom called out, her voice wafting throughout the empty house. “I brought dinner!”
Tabitha had already eaten a turkey sandwich with cheese for dinner, but she went downstairs to see Mom. When Tabitha walked into the kitchen, Mom was opening a bag of fast food and placing its contents on dinner plates. Soon the kitchen smelled like cheeseburgers and fries, and Tabitha felt hungry again. She was happy to join Mom at the table to eat while Mom talked about her day.
The office Mom worked in was well managed and very quiet, so it was easy to get her work done quickly and efficiently. Mom liked this a lot. She had worked in an office before Tabitha was born, but it was loud and bustling. Uncle Nick managed his employees well and met their needs quickly, according to Mom.
“Can I see where you work?” Tabitha asked, dipping a fry in mustard.
“Sorry sugar,” Mom frowned slightly. “Since it's a call center, non-employees aren't allowed in the building.”
Tabitha was disappointed, but she understood. She told Mom a little bit about her day and how she had met a few classmates.
“Ryan was really helpful about showing me around,” Tabitha mumbled through a mouthful of french fries. “And my classes seem pretty bearable.”
Her teachers seemed, for the most part, to be thorough instructors, and they had each welcomed Tabitha to their classrooms with open arms.
“I am a little overwhelmed with how much homework I have. I guess it'll take awhile for me to catch up with the other students on projects and papers.”
“Well, I'll let you go upstairs and start studying. Don't worry about the dishes tonight, Sugar. I'll take care of them.”
Tabitha smiled and returned to her room. She finished her homework and got ready for bed. Mom was downstairs on the phone talking to Grandma, so Tabitha brushed her teeth and changed into her pajamas. She laid in bed for what felt like hours. She thought of Katie and was filled with new respect for her friend. Tabitha had never heard Katie complain or whine about her father's deployments.
“My dad is keeping us free,” Katie would say sometimes. “My dad is making a difference in the world like I want to someday.”
Tabitha decided she would help Katie make a care package this week. Maybe they could bake cookies together to send to Mr. Miller. Tabitha knew he and his fellow soldiers would all enjoy a tasty snack to remind them of home and of their loved ones. As Tabitha sunk deeper and deeper into the warmth of her blankets, her eyes grew heavy and her thoughts became more scattered. She thought of Dad briefly, but she didn't cry. Instead she tried to focus on Mom and school and her friends, and soon her alarm was beeping to let her know it was time to begin the day.
Tabitha hurried to get ready. She had slept poorly and didn't even remember falling asleep. She pulled on jeans and a sweater before peeking out the front door to make sure it wasn't raining again. Satisfied that today would be a better day, Tabitha grabbed the lunch Mom had carefully packed for her and hurried to Katie's house.
Tabitha's friend was waiting patiently on her porch, again hunched over a book. Katie was nervously chewing her fingernails when Tabitha approached.
"That's bad for you," Tabitha motioned her head toward Katie's hand, where small bits of nail polish had flaked off her recently painted fingernails, leaving small speckles of blue and pink paint smattered across Katie's white skirt. Katie sighed and obediently withdrew her hand, using it instead to grab her backpack. She tossed the book she was reading onto a nearby chair and the two girls began their walk in silence.
Tabitha felt awkward as they walked. Katie wasn't her normal, bubbling self. Usually, Katie would be pointing out flowers or interesting yard décor, but today she was suspiciously quiet. Tabitha wondered if Katie felt strange knowing her secret, but before she could ask what was wrong, Katie piped up.
“I'm really sorry about your dad, Tabby Cat. I don't really know what to say to you to make you feel better. Do you want to come over after school so we can do homework together?”
Tabitha smiled at her friend's genuine kindness. “That sounds great. It'll be nice to hang out with you and your mom. It'll help me keep my mind off things. Will Kenny be home?”
“Yep. He's done with quizzing practices until next semester, so he'll be hanging out.”
Kenny was Katie's older brother. At 17, he spent most of his free time studying with the school's history quizzing team. Kenny loved school and studying almost as much as Katie did, and the two siblings were constantly in competition to get the highest grades.
Tabitha was excited that Kenny would be around. A senior in high school, Kenny was one of the most popular boys at Mitchell. His suave persona was highlighted by his kind attitude and gentle spirit. Although Kenny enjoyed hanging out with his friends, he never let being popular go to his head. He always said hi to the nerdy and awkward kids at school, and Tabitha loved that about him.
“Maybe we'll even bake some holiday cookies,” Katie offered, brin
ging Tabitha back to the present.
Tabitha smiled. “That sounds great.”
The girls walked the rest of the way in silence. Leaves bristled and blew wildly across the sidewalk, but Tabitha barely noticed them. She instead focused simply on putting one foot in front of the other and walking as quickly and determinedly as she could. As they approached the school, the two girls parted ways to head to their separate classrooms. Tabitha would attend homeroom today for the first time, but felt more at ease than she had just the day before.
She reached the classroom and opened the door, unaware of what the day would hold.
Chapter 7
Tabitha's morning classes breezed by, a whirlwind of pop quizzes and dull lectures. When the bell tolled for lunch, she was ecstatic and raced to the cafeteria. She found an empty table in the corner to unpack her lunch at while she waited for Katie. Mom had packed Tabitha a turkey sandwich with some fruit inside a vintage metal lunchbox.
It had been Mom's when she was a teenager, and its age showed. The front of the lunchbox displayed a scene from The Princess Bride, one of Tabitha's favorite romance movies. Tabitha stared whimsically at the image of Buttercup and her true love, Wesley, in front of the setting sun. The love story of Buttercup and Wesley was perfect. It had everything any girl dreamed of: hope, adventure, danger, and mystery. There was nothing quite as magical as Buttercup's relationship with Wesley and the never failing strength of their love. Tabitha wished quietly to find a love that pure and magical.
As she bit into her sandwich, a familiar voice jolted her back into reality.
“Hey Tabitha!”
She looked up and saw Ryan smiling at her. He slid into a chair across from Tabitha and clumsily placed his cafeteria tray on the table.
“Mind if I join you? It's pretty crowded in here today.”